Even this had me feeling a mixture of something I only ever felt when Madeline was alive—a strange but urgent sense to protect. But protect who? Maggie? And against who? My brother who was only concerned for me? Of that, I had no doubt.
So I chose my words and tone carefully. After taking in another spoonful of cereal as nonchalantly as ever, I posed the burning question. “What are you getting at, Nolan?”
Tapping his fist softly on the counter in a nervous pattern, he started telling me what I’d suspected already: that since Maggie showed up in Radcliffe, he’d kept in touch with her but hadn’t mentioned it because he didn’t think I’d want to hear about it. Mostly they’d texted but he’d talked to her on the phone a few times as well. “That blow to the head she took must’ve been real bad because even after all these years she still seems really confused and has lots of questions.”
I nodded, trying my damnedest to focus on what he was saying and not my unreasonably heating insides. Instead of agreeing that she did seem very confused still and she also had a lot of questions for me, I waited and braced myself for what else he had to say.
“One of the first things she asked me . . .” He paused as if thinking twice about his next words then went on. “She’s well aware that Madeline’s the love of your life, but she still wondered if anything had ever happened between the two of you—you and Maggie. She says she feels some kind of connection with you but can’t put her finger on it.”
Feeling my breath catch, and trying not to overreact, I nodded. “She asked me the same thing.”
I told him a little about what Maggie shared. About the void she’d felt all these years and how desperate she was to fill it, but she wasn’t sure what it is. “I told her it’s the same void I’m feeling. If my connection with Madeline was that deep—so profound I knew I’d never fill the void either—can you imagine Maggie’s connection to her?’
He nodded in agreement. “She told me about that too. Did she tell you about the triggers or visuals she’s been having?”
We discussed the things she’d shared with us, and it all matched up. There were a few things she’d told me that he didn’t mention but nothing big. “I have a theory,” Nolan said, walking over to the stove and picking at the migas. “She never said it really seriously or anything, but back then, on more than one occasion, Maggie was completely honest about feeling envious of her sister.”
I started to make a face because we both knew how genuinely and unconditionally the sisters’ love for one another was. Nolan lifted his hand before I could retort to what I was pretty sure he was implying. “I mean when she said it, it was always in a good way. Nothing negative. She was proud of Maddie’s strength and confidence and all that. But just about every time she praised her sister’s qualities, she did always slip in something along the lines of wishing she was more like her.”
“So what are you saying?” I asked, humoring him because I had a feeling where he might be going with this, only there was no way.
“My theory . . . I got to thinking because Maggie mentioned going through a ton of photos and videos of her and Madeline. And, Nico, even in photos, there’s no hiding Maddie’s wicked smile when she was teasing or being playful.”
Closing my eyes momentarily, I swallowed hard, remembering my peanut’s bright smile. As if he knew what the visual alone did to me, Nolan went on quickly. “I’m just saying, if she’s seen videos, there’s no denying how much more outgoing and carefree Madeline was. Maybe over the years and after watching those videos over and over she’s taken on the qualities she admired most about Madeline? Maybe it’s why she claims to love biscuits and gravy . . .”
He paused when I started shaking my head. “Not claiming,” I explained because it was the conclusion I’d finally come to. “She really does like them. It’s biscuits and gravy, Nolan, not liver and onions or pickled pig’s feet, stuff you really either love or hate. What’s not to like about them? Despite Maggie and Peanut being so opposite personality wise, if there was anything those two had in common, and even Madeline admitted it, it was their pigheadedness. She may’ve been the quiet one, but she didn’t budge when she got stubborn about something. I never once saw her try the biscuits. Madeline tried to get her to more than once, and she refused. She just didn’t like the look or smell of them, so she decided she didn’t like them without trying them.” I shrugged because saying it out loud now made even more sense. “So maybe without knowing she didn’t like them after she’d lost her memory, she tried them. Of course, she loved them, and she’s been eating them ever since.”
“Do you remember if Maggie ever painted like Madeline?”
Almost auto-responding with a resounding no, I caught myself. Once again, he sounded like he was going somewhere with this, and I wanted to be sure before I answered. I thought about it for a moment, but the answer was still no. In fact, just as Madeline got ribbed about her cooking, she ribbed Maggie about not being able to draw a stick figure to save her life. I shook my head, peering at him curiously as I waited for him to get to his point.
“Maggie’s painting,” he said then went on quickly when my eyes went wide. “She said it just came to her out of nowhere, and she paints all the time now. Her mom told her she must be a natural, and get this. When I asked her about her culinary dreams, she had no idea she’d ever considered culinary school. Her mom never mentioned it, but she was surprised to hear it because she said she can’t even make a grilled cheese without butchering it.”
I’d stopped eating midway through Nolan’s talking. She’s painting? And Maggie can’t cook? My heart hammered away with reawakened theories—hope. Though the plug was quickly pulled when Nolan went on to offer his theory.
“I’m thinking maybe now that Madeline is gone, subconsciously Maggie is trying to take her place since she did always express wanting to be more like her. I know it sounds crazy, but maybe that natural and innocent envy she admitted to, actually ran a lot deeper.”
You could almost hear my hopes deflate as his words sunk in. Because as nuts as it did sound, his theory was more plausible than mine. Still, I furrowed my brows, giving his theory some thought.
“Think about it,” he continued. “Obviously, that blow she took to the head was brutal. Who’s to say it didn’t mess with her memory in other ways. She may not even know she’s doing this. She may be mixing real memories with the memories of what she’d always secretly yearned for, more than she ever admitted to out loud. Maybe it’s why she thinks she has this connection to you. It’s either that or . . .”
His expression went hard suddenly, like when he’d first suggested Maggie’s being in Huntsville this weekend might not be such a coincidence. “Or what?”
“Only other thing I can think of that makes sense is maybe she had secret feelings for you back then and now—”
“No way,” I said, dismissing the idea immediately. “There’s no way—”
“She’s the one who suggested it.” Nolan’s words stunned me silent, but he went on answering my unspoken question. “She did. When she told me about the reaction she’d had to seeing you that day at the cemetery, she said she’d kept wondering if maybe she hadn’t had a secret crush on you and it’s why she couldn’t stop thinking about you. It’s why when I heard about the weird shit she did, it made me wonder if knowing what she does to you, she’s using it to her advantage and purposely trying to push your buttons.”
I shook my head adamantly again. “There’s no way her car getting stuck out in the middle of nowhere and me being the one to find her could’ve been planned. She had about as much idea I’d be out there as I did that she would.”
“Okay, so maybe running into her was coincidence, but all those things she said and did, Nico? You explained the breakfast thing, but what about her kissing your head the way she did?”
“Look.” I stood up and walked my bowl to the sink “I can get on board with her head possibly getting her memories mixed up and shit.” The bowl banged a little louder than I intended it to as I put it down in the sink. “Maybe she remembered seeing Madeline kiss me like that. I don’t know. But she’s had enough respect not to come around here anymore or even call. She has to know what a dick move that would be for her to play games like this.”
“It would be.” He agreed with conviction “So that better not be what she’s doing.”
“She’s not.”
I didn’t know how I knew, but I was certain of it. My theory might’ve been insane and farfetched, but not as improbable as Maggie doing something so heartless. I witnessed her real sympathy for my having such a hard time dealing with all this. I felt it in her touch, her kisses, the genuine remorse in those baby blues . . . I’d sooner believe she was dealing with other mental issues brought on by the trauma to her head than for her to actually be that cruel.
“So you’re really not gonna stay in touch with her?”
Running a hand through my hair roughly, I shook my head. “I can’t. Looking in those eyes alone is too painful. But hearing that voice . . .”
I didn’t say the rest of what was on my mind only because this was Nolan. It felt weird telling him the way Maggie looked at me in that almost enamored way just did things to me that might have me giving into the curiosity, the temptation—again.
As if he knew without having me say it, Nolan didn’t push for me to finish explaining. Instead, he nodded in understanding; though he still looked a little unconvinced about Maggie not having ulterior motives.
“I don’t talk to her too often,” he explained. “She drops me a text when she has questions regarding something she just remembered or whatever. Last I heard from her was when she called to ask about the pier. She’d had a dream about it, but didn’t remember anything about the pier.”
Hearing about her dreams reminded me of Maggie dreaming of me. Of course I’d kept this to myself. I hated how, on top of what a confusing mess this was, I had to be mindful that this was a girl Nolan had slept with. One who though he didn’t admit it then I could tell he was beginning to fall hard for. Even if he was long over her now, it’d still be weird as shit.
He had nothing more significant to tell me but assured me if he heard or remembered anything else he’d let me know. As far as I was concerned, he could keep it all to himself. Two things were clear now. I’d lost enough sleep over this, and as much as I’d like to keep an open mind about staying in touch with her, I’d be a constant mess. Already, I couldn’t imagine shaking this weekend off any time soon.
It was just after one in the afternoon. I’d driven out with Xavier to pick up a bike he’d bought for parts. The price was a steal, but we had to pick it up and haul it away ourselves. We’d just loaded it up onto the truck and Xavier was thanking the guy when I got the text from Maggie. My insides were instantly roiling. Just as I’d told Nolan she’d had enough respect to stay away before, I really wasn’t expecting to hear from her, especially not this soon.
Since I was just here to help, because this was Xavier’s deal, I lifted my phone and motioned to him I’d be in the truck waiting. As soon as I walked away, I clicked on the text and froze.
The day I drove to Radcliffe and your brothers said they could never tell my sister and me apart, you said you could. I’m confused about so many things right now. Can you please tell me how exactly you could tell us apart?
I wasn’t ready for even this. For a moment, it dawned on me that maybe she didn’t know about the only physical difference between her and her sister. Maybe like some of the other things Loretta had failed to get straight with her, this was one of them. But it wasn’t just the birthmark. It was so much more. So much of her personality came through just from her smile. As Nolan said today, even in photo stills of the two, it was easy to tell just by what she was incapable of hiding behind those playful eyes. But more so it was the way she looked at me. It touched my soul. Only in this case it’s what drove me so crazy.
Only Madeline ever looked at me the way Maggie had all weekend.
So I decided not to respond. I just couldn’t get into this right now, not with Xavier climbing back in the truck.
“Good deal, ay?”
I looked at him, not sure what he meant; then it hit me. The motorcycle. “Yeah, that was a good deal.”
“Who called?” He turned on the truck and headed out the unpaved driveway.
“Nah, just a text,” I said, glancing out the window.
The rest of the way home we talked motorcycles and business until we went through a drive-thru where we talked food. We got back to the shop and started working on taking the new bike apart. Working on bikes was the perfect distraction. Despite everything still floating around in my head, I managed to keep busy for a few hours without thoughts of Maggie’s text until I got another text. This time from Nolan.
Did Maggie say anything to you about being engaged?
With my heart already racing, I didn’t bother texting back. I hit the call button right on the text screen. He answered on the first ring. “She said she’d broken up with the guy she was living with just this past summer,” I said, feeling more alarmed than I should. “Said she had no intention of giving him another chance. He put his hands on her.”
“His name Ryan?”
“Yeah. I think that’s what she said.”
“Well, he just posted a photo of her on his Facebook. She’s holding up her hand, showing off a big ass ring, and he captioned it with, ‘She said yes.’”
My brother sounded as fired up as my insides felt. He went on to explain how he’d tagged her so all their friends were congratulating them now—including her mother. Why the fuck would she lie? Maybe because of the kiss? She was too embarrassed to admit she was still with the guy when she gave in completely to that amazing kiss.
This pissed me off. I wasn’t even sure why, but it did. Still, I took a deep breath “Has she commented on it?”
“No, but I asked her about it.”
Nolan’s continued fervent demeanor was to be expected, I guessed, but it felt a bit over the top. I supposed his suspicions about her playing games had something to do with it. I’d been certain earlier that she wouldn’t do anything that conniving. But this threw me for a loop. I knew I shouldn’t even be asking. That maybe it was better this way. She’d be even more off limits, and I should just let it be. But I couldn’t help it. I wanted to know. “What did she say?”
“I just texted her to ask if she was really engaged, and her only response was that it was complicated, and she’d explain later, but that was hours ago. I still haven’t heard back, and they’re still commenting on his Facebook post. He keeps responding like it’s the real deal. Maybe you should call her?”
“For what?” I asked, feeling the frustration and alarm mount as I paced outside the shop now.
The thought that Maggie—the girl who shouldn’t but was invading my every thought now—could be getting married soon, scared the shit out of me. Worse yet, she’d said it herself: the guy didn’t deserve a second chance. But most important was one absolute fact. “It’s none of my business.”
“Yes, it is!” he insisted, and despite the urgency I’d begun to feel, Nolan’s almost panicked demeanor surprised me. “This fucker has a temper he already tried taking out on her. She’s still dealing with emotional issues. She’s all over the place and vulnerable, man. Maybe that’s why she’s gone back to him.”
“So why don’t you call her?”
“I have, but she’s not answering or responding to my texts. Maybe she will to yours.”
Letting my head fall back, I thought of the text she sent me earlier. Why would she even be thinking about how I could tell the difference between her and her sister on the day of her engagement?
I agreed to text her but nothing more. As soon as I was off the phone, I put together a quick text. My answer to her question was more of an explanation of why I’d be going back on my promise to stay in touch. The main giveaway to telling the twins apart was the way Madeline always looked at me and Maggie never would. So I decided to just be honest. The way she’d looked at me this weekend was too much like how Madeline used to, and it was sheer torture. I just couldn’t keep putting myself through it, and I told her so. I added a final good-bye and sent it off, feeling like the biggest coward ever. I didn’t even bother to ask her about the engagement.
To my horror, my phone rang just minutes after I sent it, and it was her. I felt completely torn because on the one hand I wanted nothing more than to hear her voice but on the other I was certain I wouldn’t be asking about her engagement.
I’d be demanding.
Nolan was right. She was vulnerable, and demanding to know about her engagement would make it too obvious I was livid with jealousy. I’d seen it in her eyes, and Nolan had confirmed. For whatever reason, Maggie was hoping for more between us. Why? I couldn’t be sure. Clearly, she was still dealing with a load of emotional shit. My suddenly demanding to know about her romantic life would only confuse her more.
I knew Nolan would be pissed that I sent her call to voicemail and hadn’t asked about the engagement, but I just couldn’t. Worse thing was, I felt like coming out of my skin now. What the fuck was really going on? A small part of me still wanted to believe the unimaginable, but a bigger part, the more reasonable side, knew how incredibly unlikely that was.
Forcing myself, I stayed at the shop until closing because I knew there’d be no way I’d sit still at home. We were just finishing locking things down when Nolan burst through the shop’s door.
“Maggie thinks she might actually be Madeline.”
It took a second for that to sink in, and even then I didn’t quite understand. “What?”