For the second time that day, I stopped in my tracks, feeling a strangeness in my chest, and faced her. “About me?”
“Yes.” She nodded, glancing away for a moment as she explained how they didn’t start until the day she’d seen me at the cemetery. “Before that, I didn’t know you existed.”
“And they’re nightmares?”
She nodded and took a deep breath before she started walking again, and of course, I followed along like a puppy dog—hanging on her every word—like I used to anytime I was around Madeline. “I have no idea what to make of them. Maybe I was just in so much shock to learn you even existed, but I started to dream of you that day. That day, when I first saw you . . . there were flashes”—she seemed to hesitate but went on anyway— “mainly of your face, your eyes, everything I was seeing at that moment anyway, so like the others, it didn’t make sense. You’ve seen for yourself. The flashes can be traumatic, so I think there’s this sense of negativity that comes with them sometimes. Fear of the unknown, you know? So maybe it’s why when I dream of that day, when I had one of the more intense triggers, it’s always alarmingly frightening, and I cry out until I either wake myself or Mama wakes me.”
She glanced up at me as I once again stopped—because I had to. This only fed the crazy notion still buzzing in my head now, one I knew would have me back to square one with my shrink trying to fix my fucked head, despite all the progress I’d made. “What about it made you cry out? What did you cry out?”
“Ryan pulls me back,” she blurted out, surprising me, “from getting any closer to you in every dream. I think I’m haunted by the way you looked at me and everything I was hit with that day. The sadness in your eyes, being so shocked about finding out Madeline had such a serious boyfriend when Mama never mentioned it, all of it had been a blow to my gut. In my dream, I think I want to console you, but Ryan pulls me away each time and I cry.”
Clenching my jaw, I swallowed back the swarming jealousy I was suddenly feeling, but I had to ask. “Are you still keeping in touch with Ryan?”
She nodded, but said nothing more; though if I wasn’t mistaken, I thought I detected a hint of shame. “Does he know about Nolan? Is that why you think he might be pulling you away in the dream?”
Maggie quickly explained how the only other person who even knew yet about all the stuff her mother kept from her was her friend Clarisse. The more time I spent with her, the longer I gazed into those eyes, the more I felt this connection I knew I was misinterpreting, and doing so would only be disastrous. Yet, I couldn’t bring myself to stop while I was ahead. “What else do you dream about?”
“It’s always a different version of that same dream,” she whispered.
Really? I peered at her for a moment. “You said not all were nightmares?”
“They’re not,” she agreed immediately. “Some are just a replay of that day. They’re not all as emotional.”
I stared at her for moment, wondering if there was anything else I should ask. We appeared to be at a stalemate. But I could feel it as my heart raced in my chest. Something was off. Something just wasn’t right about all this. How could—why—would Maggie be feeling all this? Why was my heart swelling with insane hope. While I knew what my heart was grasping for here was an impossibility, there was one more thing I had to ask. “Do you like M&M’s, Maggie?”
“No.”
And there it was. It was a tiny flash in her eyes. She was either wondering the same thing I’d begun to wonder or maybe she already knew. A million new theories bounced around in my head but none that made any sense. Madeline would’ve never stayed away all this time if there was any truth to this insane idea.
Maggie went on quickly as if she might be reading my mind. “I mean, yeah, what’s not to like? I like them as much as any other candy. But I’ve never had such an affinity for them the way my sister obviously did.”
My eyes were on her lips again because the urge to kiss them again was just too overwhelming. But even as my desperate eyes searched her neck for that missing piece of the puzzle, no amount of willing would magically make the absent beauty mark appear. The painful truth jerked me back into reality, and I had no choice but to nod and agree. Of course she liked M&M’s. Her explanation made far more sense than any of the crazy thoughts floating around in my head.
She sighed softly as we walked along the path again. “I wonder if I would’ve had a better chance of remembering if Mama hadn’t gotten transferred and we’d stayed in Huntsville.” I turned to her, forcing myself not to be so overly dramatic and not stop again. “I might’ve—”
“Transferred?”
“Yeah. We were in the process of moving when the accident happened.” I shook my head because even this didn’t make sense, but she went on. “My mom had taken enough time off work to be with me in the hospital. It’s why we left as soon as I was released.”
“You guys weren’t moving. Maddie never would’ve left Huntsville unless it was with me,” I said it with all the conviction I felt because it was the absolute truth. It never would’ve happened. “She never once mentioned moving, and your mom . . .” I paused to try and compose myself because this only confirmed what I’d thought all along. Her mother had meticulously planned this out for one reason alone. “She worked as an accountant for the feed store in town. It’s family-owned. There are no other stores to transfer to. Where does she work now?”
Seeing her wide-eyed, I could tell, just as she’d admitted earlier, this only added to all the questions she’d be walking away from Huntsville with—instead of answers. “She’s an accountant for Wells Fargo. She said she worked at the branch in town.”
I shook my head as the reality sank in once again. “Not that I ever knew of, and Maddie told me everything.”
“Maybe she—”
“She took you away from Huntsville because she didn’t want you here.” I stared at her, strangely relieved as the actual reality resurfaced again. “She wanted you far away from the person she blamed for Maddie’s death.”
We were both silent for a moment as we reflected on the harsh reality, as if she too might’ve begun to suspect the same thing and the reminder of the truth had just burst both our bubbles. But I was curious about something else now. “Is Ryan the first guy you’ve connected with since the accident?”
There was another one of those flickers I’d seen flash in her eyes again. I wasn’t sure what to make of it, but there was no ignoring the fact that Madeline used to do the same thing. It was a subconscious reaction to something rattling her that she didn’t want to admit to. But she continued walking as if I hadn’t inadvertently touched a nerve.
“For years,” she said, emphasizing that second word. “I hadn’t been able to make a connection with anyone.”
This time I was glued to her every word as she spoke of the emptiness she’d felt for years, as she described the very loneliness I’d lived with since Madeline’s death.
“But I’d since decided to give into the very thing you suggested,” she said with that same sadness I’d felt all these years. “That the emptiness must just be my other half—Madeline—and it’ll always be there. When I met Ryan, I was determined to give him a chance, despite still feeling like something was missing. At first, he seemed perfect in every other way, even if, in hindsight, my moving in with him was more of a convenience. I was always over at his place anyway. But the emptiness.” She paused for a moment, staring out into space. “That feeling that something was missing still lingered. I’d just accepted it always would.”
How was it possible that, after one chance weekend with her, she’d be able to describe my heartache, loneliness, and that ever present void I’d live forever in my heart with to a T. But then it made absolute sense. I may’ve had a bond with Madeline like I’d never had with anyone else in my life, a bond I knew would never exist again with anyone else. But Madeline had only touched my life for a few years. Maggie and Madeline had been together since birth. They were identical twins who’d been inseparable their entire lives. Of course she was feeling the same void I was. It was likely far more profound even than what I felt, and her not remembering her sister was likely a blessing. Otherwise, that void might’ve been even more unbearable.
We left the park and barely said a word all the way to the body shop. Until we got there and I pulled out my wallet.
“Don’t you dare,” Maggie snapped immediately as she reached into her purse.
“Why the hell not?” I pulled out my card, the frustration of what I’d felt after our talk today spilling over onto this. “I’m the one who insisted on getting it detailed.”
“Because it’s my car. That’s why.”
“Let me pay for part of—”
“No!”
She handed the guy the card before I could continue to argue, and I stared at her. The Hellman eyebrow was at it again, high up into that crinkled forehead. The reminder of my bull-headed peanut was just too unbearable. As much as I would’ve liked to remain in touch with Maggie and maybe help each other get through this, I already knew being around her would be more detrimental than helpful. I had to make a clean break after today.
We started back to her car after she paid. “I guess this is good-bye—”
“Please, don’t say that.” I turned, startled to hear her voice break, and equally stunned to see her eyes all welled up, but she went on quickly. “I still have so many questions. I’m still so confused about so many things, and I know I’m gonna need to talk to you again. Please, don’t ignore my calls. Please, don’t say good-bye forever.”
She sounded as desperate as my heart had begun to feel just knowing I’d be driving away from her forever. But I knew staying in touch with her would only be torture to my already mangled heart. Staring at her for a moment as I thought of how best to respond, I finally pulled my phone out. “What’s your number?” She rattled it off as if she thought I might change my mind. “If you have questions, text me. It’ll probably be easier for me.”
I smiled when she nodded sadly but could no longer refrain from doing what I’d wanted to do the moment I saw the tears in her eyes. I pulled her to me and hugged her.
Hard.
She wrapped her arms around me tightly as if she never wanted to let go, and I did the same to her. I kissed her softly on the head, and we stood there for a long while until I finally had to put an end to it and pulled away.
“You have no idea what seeing you again has done to me, Maggie,” I whispered against her ear. “My heart can hardly take it because, every time I look into your eyes, I see her.”
I pulled away to look in those eyes one last time. What the hell was it about her? There had to be more than her just looking exactly like Madeline that had me feeling this way. I could see it, feel it in her eyes. She was feeling it too. Except if she was possibly thinking, hoping, for what my delusional heart had actually begun to believe a few times this weekend, we both knew there was no way that could be true.
Finally, I took a deep breath, despite my still unconvinced insides. “Not forever, but good-bye.”
For a moment, I thought of mentioning my crazy theory, just to hear what she might have to say about it, but I decided it was too insane to say it out loud. Just because I knew how mentally unstable I’d become since the loss of Madeline, didn’t mean the whole world had to know. Least of all Maggie. So I got on my bike and rode away with a heavy heart, knowing that, in spite of my promising her I’d stay in touch, I likely wouldn’t. Because the only thing more insane than my crazy theory itself, was putting myself through this torture again.
Any chance I might pull off of getting home and still sticking to my story about being in Louisville all weekend was a wash the moment I walked in. I waited until I saw Ama’s room light go off and entered through the great room, where I knew my brothers would be if they were still up. I didn’t want to upset Ama, and I didn’t think I could hide how shaken I was feeling by the time I reached Radcliffe.
The more I thought about it, the more my insides felt ready to explode. Not just because I knew how insane I’d sound if I mentioned my theory to anyone, but the fear of giving into staying in touch with her was ever mounting. Already, I missed hearing her voice, looking into those eyes, and tasting those sweet lips again.
This had to stop.
I’d be in therapy for the rest of my life if I kept this shit up. No matter how good being around her felt, it’d wreak havoc on my mental state. Besides, just like with Tara, this wasn’t fair to Maggie either, even if she’d be all for the unimaginable happening between us. I’d be in it for all the wrong reasons, and I could finally admit it because it’d be even more so with Maggie. The whole time I’d been with Tara, it was Madeline I thought of when we made love. Each time I kissed Tara just like when I kissed Maggie this weekend, all I could think of, feel, taste, was Madeline. I was doomed to never be able to have a meaningful relationship because my heart would forever belong to Madeline.
I’d been so lost in my mental turmoil, I didn’t even realize I was standing in the middle of the room now with all three of my brothers staring at me. “What’s wrong with you?” Xavier asked.
I shook my head, feigning not understanding the concern in their faces. “Wrong?”
“Yeah,” Nolan peered at me strangely. “You high? We asked you twice how it went.”
Glancing blankly from one brother to the other, I knew I was toast. I wasn’t fooling anyone. With a deep breath, I walked around the bar in the corner to the small fridge and grabbed a bottled water. Peeking toward the kitchen, I glanced back at my brothers, who were still staring at me with anticipation. “Dad’s not still up, is he?” They all shook their heads as I took a swig of my water. “I wasn’t in Louisville. I was in Huntsville.”
A mixture of understanding, disappointment, and concern washed over their faces. I explained about my therapist suggesting I embrace my memories of Madeline instead of suppressing them the way I had for so long. How this weekend worked out perfect because not only was it Madeline’s birthday weekend, I was off, and I could use the bike show as an excuse to get away without worrying anyone.
“So what happened?” Nolan asked, searching my face.
From the way they were all staring at me, I knew it’d be stupid to try and just shrug it off and say it’d gone okay. Clearly, I must’ve looked as shaken up as I was still feeling. The four hours of nonstop thinking on the ride home had only upped the anxiety I’d started feeling over this.
“She was there.”
“Who?” they all asked at once.
I took another long swig of my water before answering, “Maggie.
“She moved back there?” Xavier asked.
Shaking my head, I explained about her visiting Madeline’s grave for her birthday. How I’d spent most of yesterday and the better part of today with her. Everything in their eyes said exactly what I’d thought the whole way home. This was so going to screw with my head. For as much as I wanted to spare them any added worry, I was no actor. This shit had my insides twisted so tight there was no hiding it, so I was just honest.
I explained about her car getting stuck in the mud on the road to the pier. “She was out there trying to find some closure of her own. She’s still struggling with not remembering. It was sheer luck . . . or something that I showed up when I did. There’s still no signal out there, so she couldn’t even call for a tow.”
By this point in the story, I’d calmed a bit. So I could at least tone down how freaky it’d been to see her spunky side that reminded me so much of Madeline. Thankfully, Nolan had to leave. He was already late to meet his girl. So I could talk a little more openly about what happened without it feeling too awkward since Nolan did have feelings for Maggie once upon a time.
Still, leaving out the fact that I’d been close to staying in her room Saturday night, I told them about the conversation getting emotional when talking about Madeline, how I’d gotten choked up and Maggie’s response—the three consecutive kisses to my temple. “It’s something Madeline always did when I got worked up over something.”
They stared at me but didn’t say anything, just exchanged confused looks, so I went on explaining that, when I asked her about it she had no idea why she’d done it. That it was something she’d just done spontaneously. I left out the kiss. I knew that would freak them the fuck out almost as much as it’d freaked me out. I also left out the part about me calling Tara, not that I cared if they knew I was still in touch with her but because I knew they’d know just how freaked I really was about this. Enough to call Tara that very night.
Unlike Nolan, Quino and Xavier weren’t familiar with Madeline’s love for her heavy breakfasts or Maggie’s abhorrence to them. Particularly corned beef hash and biscuits and gravy. So even after I explained it to them and told them about Maggie’s breakfast that morning, their reactions weren’t nearly as staggered as mine had been—still was.
I just wanted them to understand why I might be a little freaked, but I needed some reaffirmation that I wasn’t a complete nutcase because of the insane theories buzzing in my head. Already I’d had visions of being put in a padded room if I kept this shit up. So I kept those to myself.
“She ate every last bit of that breakfast too.” Swallowing hard, I did my best to tone the next part down. “She said her mother told her she grew out of her shy demeanor, so that might explain why she snapped at me several times, like when I called her out on the breakfast thing.”
I told them about her being adamant about paying for breakfast and later the bill for her auto detailing. They took it all in, not saying a whole lot, but through it all, I could see their concern. Their uncertainty about whether or not they’d have to be put on Nico duty again.
It wasn’t even until late the next morning that I finally got a little of that affirmation I was hoping for. Since I’d spent most of the night tossing and turning and didn’t fall asleep until the wee hours of the morning, I’d slept in. By the time I dragged my ass into the kitchen, everyone had gone to work except Dad, who was out in the chicken coop, and then to my surprise, Nolan walked in the room.
Glancing over the pantry door, I smiled weakly. “Hey, you’re still here.”
“Yeah, Trick’s opening up the shop for me,” he said as I closed the pantry and walked over to the fridge. “We don’t get busy until after lunch anyway.”
I peered at him as I pulled the milk out of the fridge and walked over to the counter because it seemed there was something on his mind. When he didn’t say anything right away, I glanced down at what I was doing to make sure I didn’t spill any milk outside my cereal bowl. “You gonna eat?”
“No, I ate what Ama made for breakfast earlier. There’s still some migas left. You know Ama. She makes enough for everyone.”
Glancing over at the pan on the stove, I scrunched up my nose. “Yeah, I saw them, but my stomach’s not up to anything heavy this morning.”
“Rough weekend?”
I stared at him for a moment as I took a spoonful of cereal in my mouth. Obviously, they’d told him about it, so I shrugged. “Sort of.”
“I heard about some of the weird shit she did.”
It was understandable that Nolan might be annoyed by this. As the youngest of my brothers, he’d by far been the most worried about me when I was losing my mind over Madeline’s death. Even Quino and Xavier had questioned if maybe she wasn’t playing head games.
“You know what they say about the quiet ones,” Quino had said; though I was sure that wasn’t the case.
“Did you tell her you were going to be out there this weekend?” Nolan asked.
With the food still in my mouth, I shook my head, not saying anything at first, but he continued to stare at me almost . . . suspiciously. “Aside from running into her this weekend, I don’t keep in touch with her, Nolan. I’m not planning to after this weekend either, if that’s what you’re asking.”
He shook his head immediately. “That’s not what I’m asking. I was just wondering if maybe her being out there the same weekend you were wasn’t such a coincidence.”
Now I eyed him suspiciously. “Why would you think that?”
“I’ve been talking to her, Nico. She’s said a few things that just make me wonder if she didn’t plan this weekend and some of the weird things that happened.”