I found a room that night in a town about an hour away. For hours, I paced the small room as my heart and soul struggled to understand what happened tonight, even as my body and soul still tried in vain to recover from the taste of Maggie’s mouth. What was happening to me? Why was I feeling all this? This was Maggie, not Madeline. I knew this. Simple logic told me this, yet something deep inside me wanted to argue.
That mouth, those lips, and that tongue. Could it possibly be that, like everything else about them, even something far more complex than a smile or the sound of their voices, kissing them could feel and taste exactly the same too? For a moment there, I’d been transported back to those heavenly days on the lake as I spent glorious hours devouring my beautiful Madeline’s mouth. I knew that mouth better than anything. I’d memorized every angle and crevice. As much as every lap and swirl of our tongues felt exactly and as perfectly in rhythm as my kisses with Madeline, I knew it just wasn’t possible. Yet my heart . . .
“There’s no fucking way,” I muttered under my breath as I pulled my phone out.
I needed to talk to someone. Have someone talk me down before I completely lost it. This was insanity. Even though my head knew the truth, my desperate and delusional heart was begging me to at least consider the possibility. But how?
It was too late to call my shrink, even though I was pretty sure he’d answer. But this felt too insane to share even with him. I sat down on the edge of the bed, staring at my phone and running my hand through my hair. “What the fuck?”
There was no way I’d be getting any sleep tonight, not with everything going on in my head. There’d been many times in the past agonizing years since Madeline’s death that I thought I might be losing it, but now I was certain of it.
Without thinking, I hit speed dial. I hadn’t spoken to Dr. Hidalgo since the day I’d broken things off with her over the phone. If there was anything I could say about Tara, it was that she was the epitome of grace and poise. After our breakup conversation over the phone, when she didn’t even try to hide the fact that she was crying, I never heard from her again. That had to be hard. She was a stronger person than I was because, even though I was the one who broke things off, this wasn’t the first time I’d been tempted to talk to her. Though it wasn’t for the reason I was sure she’d prefer it be. There’d been more than one occasion when I really needed her advice. I knew it was a shit move on my part to reach out to her now, but I was desperate, and this felt like an emergency.
“I think I’m losing my mind,” I said the moment she answered.
She was quiet for a moment. “What’s going on?”
I filled her in quickly about my trip to Huntsville, backtracking to tell her about Maggie calling then showing up at the shop a few months prior. She knew firsthand what seeing Maggie had done to me, and I was sure she could hear the desperation in my voice now. She had to know how crazy this was making me.
Tara listened quietly to all of it. I explained how there was more to this. It was more than me just feeling as if I were staring at a ghost in her eyes. I told her about how different Maggie was now than I remembered her. She’d never been this outspoken and obstinate. “That was Madeline and then she kissed me.”
I explained about the three consecutive kisses. How Maggie had done it exactly the way Madeline used to. “Did Maggie ever see her sister do that to you?”
It was a question I’d already gone over and over in my head. It’d be the only explanation, but I couldn’t remember a single time I’d been that worked up and Maggie had been there. Anytime Madeline and I argued or debated something that we knew might get heavy, we waited until we were alone. But then it did stand to reason that, like everything else, Madeline had shared even this detail of our relationship. As awkward as I knew it might be, I told her about the kiss that followed. “I know how insane it sounds and that this can’t be possible—”
“Why can’t it?”
That stunned me silent until I shook my head and stood up. “Because it can’t be. Jesus, Tara, you’re supposed to be the sensible one here, not encourage my insanity.”
“I’m not encouraging it,” she retorted immediately. “I’m just asking why can’t it be? They’re identical twins. You said yourself no one could tell them apart. Maybe whoever first identified Madeline as the deceased sister got it wrong.”
The idea both excited me as much as it terrified me. Mostly because I knew it couldn’t possibly be what happened, and yet what I felt in my heart—deep in my soul—when we kissed tonight and each time I gazed deep into her eyes was a complete contradiction of what I knew the reality was.
“The birthmark isn’t there, Tara.”
We’d spoken enough about Madeline in my early sessions with Dr. Hidalgo, back before it felt awkward talking about how I was still hopelessly in love and not over my late girlfriend to my new girlfriend. I’d told her all about Madeline’s beauty mark, the one only a select few knew about because it wasn’t something she went around pointing out. Even I wasn’t aware it was something Maggie didn’t possess until a few times after sucking on it when Madeline mentioned it. I liked being one of the few who could tell the difference between them immediately.
No surprise, Tara didn’t even attempt to argue. Instead, she said the things I’d hoped she say to help talk me down. “We’ve spoken of the power of thought before, Nicolas. When you told me you really believed you felt her presence, as tortured as you’ve been over her loss, it’s natural that your heart would be trying desperately to convince you that this is the case. That somehow someone made a terrible mistake and what you’re feeling is the real deal.”
As much as I hated to accept it, it made far more sense than the absurdity that I was grasping for. Once calmed a bit, I asked her how she’d been and we made small talk for a while, but then I cut the call. We promised to stay in touch, but I knew that wasn’t going to happen, not that I minded staying in touch with her. I could just hear it in her voice. The fact that she’d even taken my call with such grace was telling enough. As much dignity as she’d shown in her restraint to try and reconnect with me since our breakup, she did let it slip before we hung up that she missed me.
Tara was a good person. She didn’t deserve to be strung along, and I’d already hurt her once. If I hadn’t felt so desperate tonight, I would’ve never called her. I was just grateful she’d been able to talk me down. There’d be a flower arrangement coming her way. A very non-romantic arrangement offering my sincerest thanks, but it’d be the last she’d hear from me.
Before the kiss, I’d had no intention of letting Maggie go back and meet with that smackdat idiot, but I especially wasn’t going to now. I knew it was bullshit, but Tara was spot on when she spoke of the power of thought. I’d convinced myself without even really having to that Madeline would’ve wanted me to go back and make sure Maggie was able to get on her way home just fine.
After lying in bed for hours apologizing to Madeline about tonight’s unprecedented turn of events, I finally knocked out. But the next morning I woke with my heart racing and a new urgency to get back to Huntsville.
As wrong as I knew this was and as much as I knew I’d regret this once this weekend was over, my heart felt frenzied with anticipation. The whole ride back to town all I could think of was seeing her face again, gazing into those eyes, and knowing she’d enjoyed that kiss just as much as I had. As excited as my insides were, they were also a mess.
After giving it much thought, I decided Tara had been absolutely right. My heart would continue to grasp at what was nothing more than an illusion. So, I’d be making one thing clear from the moment I got there. What happened last night could never happen again. So why was I still so damn excited about being near her again? My heart even thudded a bit when I pulled up in front of her room. For a moment, I was afraid maybe she’d already left. Then the door flew open, and I was greeted with the most breathtaking smile ever. Seeing the excitement and giddiness in her smile inevitably brought on vivid memories of . . . It was almost more than my heart could take.
With much effort, I was finally able to speak and not have it sound emotional. “Did you think I’d be letting you go out there alone with Steve the Smackdat idiot?”
She continued to grin widely, and geez, it felt like she might be running down those steps and into my arms at any second. Mercifully, her smile flattened a little, and she chewed the corner of her lip. “Listen. About last night—”
“If you can, please pretend it never happened,” I said before she could finish, and I immediately saw all but shock in her eyes.
I knew what she was thinking. How could either of us ever forget last night? But it was what had to be done. Trying to shake off some of my exasperation over this, I exhaled before going on. “I’d appreciate it if you would because it’s what I’m gonna try to do. It was beyond wrong, and I spent the whole fucking night apologizing to your sister about it. Now I’ll apologize to you.”
Those bewitching eyes would be the end of me. Try as I might—even through the shock her eyes gazed at me—I felt what little resolve I’d attempted to show as I arrived dissipate, so I cleared my throat. “I’m sorry. That won’t happen again. It’s just that . . .” Like last night, her lips were like a magnet, and my eyes were on them again. “Fuck!” I muttered, as the frustration of how easily I could give into what I’d given into last night mounted.
This was going to be even more impossible to erase from my mind. Walking past her, I stalked into the room and grabbed the duffle I’d forgotten last night. “Do you have to look so much like her?”
Maggie shrugged, saying nothing else, but it was obvious in her apologetic eyes that she felt bad about what she was doing to me. It wasn’t her fault my ass couldn’t man up already, so I changed the subject. “Let’s go get breakfast.” I walked past her and out the door. “We still have a couple of hours before we have to go meet that douche.”
After dropping her luggage off at the motel’s office, we headed back to the same café we’d had lunch at the day before. “So, where’d you sleep last night?” she asked when the waitress walked away after bringing us our menus.
“In Bourbon,” I said without looking away from my menu.
I explained about the small town, refusing to look up from my menu because I just didn’t trust myself not to get caught up in her eyes again. We’d been quiet for a few moments as we both studied our menus until . . . “I think I’ll have the corned beef hash and eggs with a side of biscuits and gravy.”
Now my eyes were on hers, fully expecting her to be looking up from her menu as well. Possibly even grinning in a teasing way. But she wasn’t. She was still reading her menu, and I sat there, my insides heating as I tried to figure out if this was her way of being funny—breaking the ice. If it was, she was about to get a mouthful because, after last night, this wasn’t cool.
Finally, she looked up, doing a double take when her eyes met my glare. “What?” she asked, looking genuinely confused.
“What are you doing?”
“What do you mean?” Though she really did looked lost, I still couldn’t tell if she was pulling my leg.
“Maddie always ordered corned beef hash and eggs with a side of biscuits and gravy.” Glancing down at her neck absentmindedly as if that beauty mark might magically appear and feeling even more frustrated when of course it didn’t, I glared at her again.”You hated biscuits and gravy.”
Her mouth fell open ever so slightly, but she recovered quickly. “I didn’t know that.”
“Just like you didn’t know her kissing me three times in a row was her habit?”
“I didn’t.” She sat up straighter, lifting that Hellman brow in a way I knew so well. “I swear I don’t remember any of that.”
“You really like biscuits and gravy now?” I asked, not the least bit convinced. “You used to say it looked like cat puke on shit and always said you didn’t understand why your sister had to order the prison slop every time. It pissed you off that you’d be forced to smell it whenever we all went out for breakfast.”
This time she didn’t bother trying to hide how her jaw dropped opened. But to my surprise, she didn’t bite my head off the way I was beginning to think she might. Madeline would’ve, had I gotten that exact same look from her. Instead, her disgusted expression morphed into a troubled one, and she shook her head. “I have no idea why I would like them now, but I do. I’ve been eating them for as long as I can remember.”
I peered at her for a moment because her change in demeanor was so odd. Both her ordering Madeline’s exact favorite breakfast and now her reaction to my questioning it. “That’s too fucking weird.” I stared at her for a moment longer then decided to just let it go. “But then I guess you not remembering anything is just as weird.”
I admitted I’d never actually seen her try them. How she’d always refused to when Maddie tried to get her to. It seemed to give us a temporary truce.
We ate the rest of our breakfast with no further incidents or surprises or getting heated over anything until we got the bill. “I got it.” She grabbed it before I could.
“Nah,” I held my hand out for it as I reached for my wallet in my pocket.
“No way. You paid yesterday.”
I pulled out my wallet, ignoring that last comment. “Give it to me.”
The waitress walked by just then, and I attempted to give her my card. “I’m paying,” Maggie said before the waitress could take my card, then turned to me with yet another one of those stubborn glares I was so used to seeing—on Madeline.
Never on Maggie.
For a moment, it made my breath catch, and before I could argue, the waitress was gone with her card. Maggie lifted her chin, waiting for me to say more, but I didn’t. I knew better.
By the time we got out to where her car was stuck, Steve was already there and had the car out. Maggie got off my bike and was greeted very cheerfully. “Just in time.”
Maggie glanced down at her phone’s screen. “You said eleven.”
I stayed on my bike as Steve explained why he was able to get there early then handed her his clipboard for her to sign.
“So, I’m good to go?”
I looked up just in time to see Maggie inspecting what I knew had to be caked on mud all over the bottom of her car.
“Yeah.” Steve walked around to inspect the car with her. “You might wanna take it through a car wash . . .”
I zoned out as I pondered how, in a few hours, maybe less, we’d be saying good-bye. That is until I heard the guy telling Maggie it was so great to see her again. I looked up just as he held his arms open for a hug.
“Good seeing you too,” she said then leaned in awkwardly and hugged the guy, allowing his arms around her.
Feeling a heat I hadn’t felt in years, I straightened out, staring at them until Maggie’s eyes met mine.
“When will you be back?” Steve asked as he finally let go of her and pulled away.
“Not sure . . .”
With my eyes locked on her, I vaguely heard much of what she said after that as she explained how her trip here was on a whim.
“Give me a call next time you’re in town,” Steve said, outwardly flirting now and saying something about having a drink sometime.
He hadn’t even finished when I was already on my way to where they stood. You could almost pinpoint the moment it dawned on the idiot that I might just be someone he should be worried about.
His eyes went wider with every step I took toward them, staring straight at him.”That’s if you don’t mind, of course.”
“I do mind.”
“I’m sorry,” Steve sputtered and backpedaled just as I’d expected him to.
He stuttered something about thinking I was just out here helping her with her car because I was her sister’s ex. “Well, you thought wrong.” I walked past them to inspect her car. “Let’s go get this cleaned up.”
The stuttering went on a little longer with Steve apologizing some more, but I was through talking to his ass. He finished up the paperwork quickly and was gone fast enough.
I turned to Maggie, who was walking toward me with this strange gleam in her eyes. It made me wonder and worry that maybe just like that smile I was greeted with at the hotel, after last night’s kiss, she, too, was feeling more than she should.
“What was that about?” she asked, still wearing that somewhat amused expression.
“I told you I didn’t like the douche.” I straightened out and stood up, trying to make less of this. “Your sister wouldn’t have either. Just looking out.” Swallowing hard, I walked past her, hoping she’d just drop it. “I really think you need to get those rims cleaned up. I know a good place in town. Follow me.”
The ride alone back into town felt as empty as it had those entire first horrid months after Madeline’s death. And this was just the beginning of what I knew now would have to be good-bye. As much as I’d love nothing more than to continue staring in those eyes and listening to that voice, the damage it’d do to my sanity in the long run couldn’t possibly be worth it. Besides, there was no way I could be around her too long before giving into the temptation of tasting that mouth again. That shit would be just too weird.
Already after just one kiss, my heart was feeling entitled enough to make it clear to Stuttering Steve, that I was not okay with him asking her out. If I allowed myself to get even closer to Maggie, I had no doubt I’d be making real claims on her in no time. I’d be breaking one of the biggest unspoken rules between my brothers and me. No matter how long ago Nolan had been with her, Madeline had shared Maggie’s secret with me. Nolan had been her first. Even if Nolan might be okay with this now, given the circumstances and time that had passed, I knew I wouldn’t be able to deal with those kinds of Jerry Springer family gatherings.
I shook my head as I pulled into the parking lot of the auto-detailing place. I was getting way ahead of myself here. You didn’t move in with someone unless it was very serious. And Nolan specifically said her moving out was recent, so who knew if she still wasn’t harboring feelings for the guy or vice versa. This had the potential to get uber complicated and the last thing I needed was more chaos in my life, especially when it involved my dead soulmate’s twin, for fuck’s sake!
“Detailing?” she asked as she got out of her car. “I thought we’d just hose it down or something. Maybe go through a car wash.”
“Nah, you don’t wanna mess with anything being stuck in there or underneath. Looks like your car was in there good and deep. You have a long drive home. Better to be safe than sorry.”
Ignoring her warmed expression, I reminded myself that my concern for her safety had everything to do with Madeline. She’d want Maggie safe too. I was doing this for her.
The guy at the body shop said they’d take an hour. “We don’t have to wait here,” I said, handing the guy her keys, even as my mind raced for safe ideas of what we could do in the meantime.
Luckily, she came up with the idea of a nearby park we’d driven by. A park in broad daylight was as safe as it was going to get. We drove to a park with a big water fountain right in the middle of town, the very park she and her sister used to wait for their mother to pick them up from after school. Of course the first memory it brought back was the day of the pregnancy scare when I went to talk to Jenna at the dollar store and Madeline spotted us.
Despite the temporary mental distraction, my mind was back on another thing, so I figured I may as well just ask and relieve my curiosity.
“Nolan mentioned you’d been living with someone until just recently. Did you live with him long?”
Clearly, my question had come out of left field. Maggie’s expression was an odd one as she got off my bike, but she shook her head. “Um, no, not really. Few months. I’d just moved in with him this past spring. Ryan and I didn’t even make it through the summer.”
Just a few months. Good to know. Wait. What? No. “You feel like sitting or walking?” I asked, chastising myself inwardly for even starting to go there.
“Let’s walk,” she said and we started along.
Not even a minute went by when the curiosity won out, and my mouth was at it again. “So, what happened?”
Again, she glanced up at me for a moment before shrugging. My entire body began to cringe when she spoke of how perfect he’d been in every way until she added, “Then he put his hands on me, like no man ever should.”
Feeling my insides instantly light up, I stopped in my tracks and turned to her. “He hit you?”
She shook her head and we continued walking again, but my insides were still simmering. “No. But I wasn’t going to stick around and wait for it to get to that. He just grabbed my arm hard enough to bruise it. I moved out of his house the very next day.”
“Next day? You didn’t leave that same day?”
Shaking her head, she explained how it’d happened at a bar. She’d left and gone back to her mother’s, and the next day, they’d rented a truck and went and got her things from his place.
Deciding to drop the subject of Ryan, I asked about something safer, something that’d keep my irrational mind from wandering into things it shouldn’t. “Any other reason why you’re out here all alone on your birthday weekend?”
For a moment, she turned to me, gazing deep in my eyes, but then she shrugged again, glancing away. “I’ve been obsessing about all this for so long, and you saw how overwhelming my triggers can be. Mama asked if I could just try and let it go, accept that I may never remember anything about my past. I promised I would, and then I started having nightmares and other dreams, and I just had to come back one last time and see if I could find some answers.”
I peered at her. “By going to the pier?”
“Well, yeah.” She huffed. “Thing is I have no idea what I’m looking for. I’m grasping.”
“Did you get any answers?”
She shook her head, staring straight ahead. “If anything, I have even more questions now.”
“Tell me about the flashes.”
She stopped suddenly, surprising me, then stared at me wide-eyed. “Does the photo booth at the vintage theater mean anything to you?”
My heart nearly stopped for a moment until I remembered the expressions on both her and Shelby’s faces the day Madeline showed them the photos of us kissing. Even if she didn’t know it that day, that it was the very first time I’d kissed her sister, I was certain this was why she was bringing it up now. Shaking my head because I knew that’s all it was, I responded, “Maddie must’ve told you about it. She told you everything, right down to the last detail.”
“Told me what?”
“It’s where I first kissed her.”
Her eyes closed tightly, and she clutched her chest. Like yesterday at the river, she seemed wobbly, and again it appeared she might be having some kind of seizure. “What’s wrong?” The question had her eyes opening widely, and I searched them. “Is it happening again?”
Maggie nodded, but didn’t immediately speak. She appeared to be trying to gather herself, but whatever was happening, while she didn’t cry as she had yesterday at the river, she was just as rattled by this as she was yesterday. Maybe more.
“I just had another flashback,” she finally said. “Same as when I had my first of that booth the day Mama and I first came to Huntsville.”
“What was the flashback about?”
“Just of the photo booth. Nothing more,” she added quickly. “It’s why it never made any sense to me.”
There was something about the way she seemed to backpedal. Her reaction was too unnerving for her explanation. Still, as my heart calmed, my mind began to think more rationally. I explained how often she and her sister took photos in there. How close their bond was, which made more sense than the conclusion my heart kept trying to jump to. “It’s like you two were one person, not whole without the other.”
“Mama says the same thing.”
Again, her expression didn’t match her words. She still seemed more troubled by this than she was admitting.
“I had another trigger,” she said, chewing the corner of her lip, “when I came across another painting in our storage unit of a couple on a bridge overlooking a river.”
I knew immediately which painting she was talking about. Madeline had painted one just like the one she’d given me for our anniversary for herself. It was one of her favorite photos of us. This actually made me smile, and in spite of the emotion it evoked, I explained about the painting.
She listened intently to every detail about that first day I kissed Madeline so intently I told her more. How crazy her sister had driven me that first year before I finally made the move. How hooked I’d been on her from the moment I’d first spoken to her and about our unspoken game.
I smiled, trying desperately to not lose it again like I had last night. Instead, I glanced up at the sky like I’d done so many times since her death. “You were mine before we made it official, and we both knew it.”
Turning back to Maggie, I could see it in her eyes. She, too, was feeling emotional, but I was determined to embrace the memories as my shrink insisted I do, so I went on. I told her about how earlier that same day I first kissed her and about running into her outside the Five and Dime and the words she’d said to me that day—words I’d never forget: So this is what they mean by missing someone even before they’re gone.
As painful as the memory was now, it had me smiling big. “I swear to God that’s the moment I knew just how hopelessly in love I was.”
The emotion in her eyes was a familiar one. The only way to explain it was like I’d seen it—felt it—many times before. It was so genuine as if she might be remembering stuff now too, so I continued. I told her everything that might jog a memory. How that first kiss I shared with Madeline was on her birthday. “By the way, I just realized today’s your birthday. I’m sorry.” I shook my head with a frown. “I didn’t even say happy birthday.”
Shaking her head, she assured me I had nothing to be sorry about. Then she mentioned that, with a new man in her mother’s life, even her mama had forgotten, but was quickly back to something she seemed far more interested in. “So, was it a birthday kiss? Is that why you agreed to kiss her?”
That actually had me laughing. As if I would’ve ever stood the chance of rejecting Madeline if she’d asked me to kiss her. Especially given the circumstances the day it happened. I told her more about it, continuing to chuckle even if it felt bittersweet. Talking to Maggie just felt so perfect. In all the years since Madeline’s death, I’d never opened up this much and allowed myself to dwell on the memories this long. I was so comfortable I decided to just ask something I was curious about ever since she first mentioned it. “Those dreams or nightmares you said you had . . .” I stared at her, swallowing hard because I had a feeling this might be too personal, but I needed to know. “What were they about?”
Once again, I was caught in those beautiful eyes as she gazed into mine without saying a word at first. And then she did. “They were about you.”