If I thought myself naïve before, I was fucking nuts to think even for a minute that things wouldn’t be changing too much after that first day. Not only had everything changed, I’d been sucked into one whirlwind of crazed emotion after another.
Since those initial days had been all about sneaking in as many frantic kisses and stolen moments as possible, talking about anything too deep hadn’t been our first priority. Even our phone calls and texts consisted mostly of us figuring out our next rendezvous and each of us exclaiming our impatience about when that’d be. It was unreal. I was still months from being twenty, but I’d been with enough girls and had enough experience to know that what was happening between Madeline and me was alarmingly different.
Maybe it was because it felt like it took forever to happen or because I never anticipated something so damn much in my life. But in less than a couple of weeks she’d become the last thing I thought of before passing out at night and the first thing on my mind when I woke, and she was pretty much my every thought in between the two. The times between seeing or hearing from her felt almost intolerable. Whipped didn’t even begin to cover how I was feeling.
Our conversations, while excitable, playful, and full of laughter, hadn’t touched on anything too heavy even after a few weeks. It was as if neither of us wanted to ruin it by spelling out exactly what was happening. I, for one, had backed off my initial plan of laying ground rules like I first thought. Even getting her that necklace felt like a risk. But getting too heavy on how serious this was beginning to feel, might be a mood killer. So I’d chickened out every time.
In the short time I’d been around her regularly, I knew one thing for sure about Madeline. I was spot on about her being the more outspoken of the two twins, but it was more than just that. She was rambunctious, and I loved it almost as much as it made me nervous. I wasn’t sure how she’d feel about the stipulations I’d demand, so I didn’t—for the time being. Instead, I’d play it by ear.
One of the days I was exploring more of her body—her neck that is—I discovered the birthmark just under her left ear. After kissing and suckling a few times, she let me in on her secret. “Not too many people know this, but that birthmark is the only sure way my mom and grandma can tell us apart. Mama always called it an angel’s kiss.”
I pulled back to get a better look at it. It was no bigger than a nickel, but against skin as fair as hers, the pinkish speckled birthmark in a shape that somewhat resembled lips stood out so much I was surprised I hadn’t noticed it sooner. But then unless my face and lips were on it, her hair usually blocked it. “My beauty mark,” I said, kissing it again softly. “Fuck the angel. No one else gets to kiss this but me.”
Not that I really needed it, but I was strangely relieved to have something to differentiate her and her sister. My dad’s comment about this getting tricky still lingered every now and again when I couldn’t immediately tell who was who. So ever since the discovery, my eyes zoomed in on her neck every time there was even a doubt. Each time I’d been pleased to see I’d zoomed into the right twin’s neck.
I’d been so caught up with her these first head-spinning weeks I hadn’t kept up on the town’s latest gossip.
“Please tell me what I’m hearing isn’t true.”
I glanced up at Xavier, who walked into the shop, looking even more annoyed than he sounded. As usual, like I’d been doing since Madeline’s birthday, whenever anyone asked about the latest sighting of the two of us together, I glanced away, feigning disinterest. I knew my family was still skeptical that this was going to go over well when her mother found out, but at this point, there was no way I was backing out. So there was nothing they could say that’d change my mind about this.
“You didn’t knock up Jenna, did you?”
Jerking my head up to look at him, I could see he was serious. “What? No! She’s pregnant?”
“Yeah, she’s fucking pregnant, and word is you’re who knocked her up.”
For a moment, I panicked, trying to remember the last time I was with her. It’d been at least months—too long—right?
“Who’s saying this?” I asked as my heart sped up.
“Stan, down at the hardware store, just asked me about it. Said he heard it from Moose at the bar a few nights ago.”
“Moose? How would he know?”
“I don’t know, but according to Stan, Moose said he heard it’s a Cortez baby, and as far as I know, you’re the only one of us who’s been with her.”
Quino, who was standing behind the counter with me, put his hands up. “I’ve never touched her.”
“Couldn’t be Nolan,” Xavier said, shaking his head. “His punk ass is too young for a chick like that.”
“Yeah,” Quino added with a puckered frown. “She’s not the brightest, but even she knows not to be messing with minors.”
Ignoring the comment, I shrugged. “Well, it isn’t mine,” I protested, still not entirely sure about that. “I haven’t been with her in forever.”
Okay, maybe that was stretching it a bit, but it had been a while. It really did feel like, even before anything real happened between Madeline and me, I’d been avoiding bagging any hometown ass for fear of it getting back to her.
“Neither Stan nor Moose know how far along she is. Only that she’s pregnant. So maybe you should talk to her,” Xavier suggested. “Go down to the dollar store. She works almost every day, right? Now she’ll need to put even more hours in.”
I gave it some thought for a moment. Good God, what if it was true? This was a fucking nightmare. I could lose what in just a few weeks I already knew I couldn’t live without.
Glad that my dad wasn’t at the shop today, I walked around the counter but hesitated. Going down to the dollar store would only make this more real. If the baby was mine, she would’ve said something already. Unless . . . like my brothers and family had, Jenna too had heard the buzz about Madeline and me. Maybe she figured it wouldn’t matter to me. For a moment, I felt the smallest bit of hope. If that were the case, if she really figured I wouldn’t care, would she really still have it?
“I’ll be back.” I turned before walking out. “Doesn’t mean I believe it’s mine. I just wanna make sure she’s not the one spreading this bullshit around.”
It wouldn’t have been the first time rumors of me or one of my brothers having kids we hadn’t owned up to had spread around town. My grandma had been warning us all since we reached puberty. Even uncatchable men can get caught if they’re not careful. Fortunately, in each instance where one of us had been accused, nothing had ever come of it. The babies were born, and the real fathers were named. Still, it didn’t stop the rumors that on top of all the other negative shit associated with our name, we had bastard kids out there too. Now here was another one.
I jumped on my bike and rode the few blocks to the dollar store. Not sure where I’d even start, I manned up and walked into the store with a purpose anyway.
Jerry, the store owner, greeted me as soon as I walked in. “How we doing, Cortez? You here for Jenna or you in here to shop?”
Here for Jenna? What the hell did that mean? Jenna, who was busy with customers, glanced at me but quickly turned back to her customers. I shook my head, glancing around. “Just looking.”
“Anything in particular you looking for?”
“No.”
I felt a little bad about how short I was with the guy, but I was in full-blown panic mode now. I was in no mood to chat. Thankfully, when Jenna was done, I didn’t have to go to her. She came straight to me. To my utter alarm, her baby bump was already showing—big time. How the hell had I not heard about this sooner? Then it hit me. Madeline. For the past several months, she all but consumed my every thought.
“We need to talk,” I said, glancing up from her baby bump.
“I know.” She glanced back at Jerry, who was busy now going through some inventory. “But not in here. It’s almost time for my break. Like ten minutes. I’ll be right outside then.”
Swallowing hard, I nodded as my stomach plummeted. Dear God, don’t let this be happening. I wouldn’t have been thrilled about this had it happened a year ago, but now it could be disastrous. I walked out onto the porch of the store, feeling dazed and a little nauseated. I was out there pacing for almost the whole ten minutes when I noticed the kids letting out from the high school, gathering at the town’s center park across the street. It wasn’t even until the door to the store opened and Jenna walked out that I realized if Madeline wasn’t at the park already she would be real soon.
“Let’s take a walk,” Jenna said, already headed down the stairs. “I don’t need Jerry hearing this.”
She started toward the park, but I balked. “Not that way. It’ll be too crowded soon.”
We started the opposite way toward the dairy on the corner. “Yeah, this way’s better,” Jenna agreed. “I’m craving some chocolate milk anyway.”
As soon as we were far enough from Jerry’s earshot, which was why I assumed she didn’t say anything at first, Jenna started. “It’s not yours,” she said, and no three words had ever sounded like such music to my ears.
I had to refrain from hugging her or thanking God at the top of my lungs. Visuals of me jumping in the air, fist-pumping, danced in my head as she explained about a stupid argument she’d gotten into on Facebook. Her baby’s dad’s ex-girlfriend accused her of screwing her man while they were still together.
“My sister Nicole”—Jenna rolled her eyes, shaking her head— “in her infinite wisdom decided to chime in with a comment, bringing up the fact that I was still hanging with you at that time. One comment led to another to speculation that it might be yours. Next thing you know, no one’s even reading the previous comments where I confirmed who the real dad is. All they can talk about is what beautiful green eyes my baby’s going to have and then congratulate me. After so many comments, I finally gave up and deleted the whole damn thing, but then the next thing I know I’m getting phone calls, texts, and private messages asking if it’s true. I was horrified and prayed it didn’t get back to you.”
We’d walked into the dairy, midway through her explanation, and at that point, I’d zoned out, worrying about something else. The whole damn town was apparently buzzing about me being Jenna’s baby daddy, and now here I was during the high-school rush hour hanging out with her on her break.
I braced myself as we walked back out of the store. Of course, the first thing I saw when I braved a glance in the parks’ direction was Madeline and her little crowd. She didn’t see us at first, and I picked up the pace, hoping I could get out of there before she did. But who was I kidding? Within moments, not just Madeline’s crowd but most of the kids in the park were glancing in our direction. The smirks and even giggles as they continued to eye us confirmed that the whole town was sure as hell buzzing about this. Which meant one thing:
Madeline had heard too.
“Fuck me,” I muttered under my breath as we reached the dollar store.
Jenna glanced over at the park with a frown. “So she’s really your girlfriend now?”
If that’s what people were already calling Madeline, I wasn’t sure how long that would be for after today. Before I could confirm or deny, Jenna continued. “I’m sorry if this causes any problems for you. I’m dealing with a lot now too because of that stupid discussion. Brody . . . the baby’s dad . . .” She glanced up at me then away as if I might care. “He’s giving me a hard time about the stupid claims. I only wish I’d taken screen shots of the million times I had to correct people about who the dad really is. I know it’s his ex who is still pushing the rumors because she probably hopes it’s the truth or at least that Brody believes it.” She stopped at the top of the porch of the old building and took a swig of her chocolate milk. “I could talk to Maddie if you want.”
“No!” I said immediately, shaking my head. “No need.”
I glanced back just in time to see a few girls climbing into Madeline’s mother’s minivan. She was the last one waiting to get in but turned to us. I expected her to look angry, maybe even upset. But the best way to describe her expression was a cross between disgusted and hurt. Almost to the point she looked like she might cry. Then she climbed into the very back seat, and her head disappeared as if she lay down.
Disgusted, I could deal with. But knowing I might be the cause of her tears, I couldn’t. Even tears of joy had been too much to take on her birthday. Those bright eyes were not meant for tears. Without even saying good-bye to Jenna, I pulled my phone out and started to my bike. I already had a text waiting from Madeline. I clicked on it and read the two words she sent.
Fuck you!
Knowing it was a huge risk to call her because she was in a van with her mother, I called her anyway. I had to talk to her. This was too big to discuss over texting. It went straight to voicemail, but she responded with another text.
Are you stupid? If I answer now, Mama will hear me talking to you.
I tapped away again even as my heart beat erratically. I couldn’t even recall a time I’d felt this flustered about anything. Much less a girl. I re-read the text quickly before sending it.
Just say it’s someone else calling and let me do all the talking. I swear to God I can explain.
I hit send before thinking it through. I should’ve started the text with It’s not my baby in all caps. Before I could do that, I had another text from her.
If I answer, she’ll hear me crying, and I don’t want to hear your stupid explanation. I HATE YOU!
“Fuck!” I growled, letting my head fall back but went back and finished the other text I’d started then sent it.
IT’S NOT MY BABY!
I followed up with a longer one that explained how I’d just found out about the rumor hours ago and was only there with Jenna today to talk to her about it. Unlike the other times, she didn’t immediately respond, and it was hours before I finally heard back from her.
By then, I’d nearly lost my mind. I’d since followed up with several more texts swearing up and down that the fucking baby wasn’t mine. I had to stop after seven or eight. As much as my heart insisted dignity was overrated, I had to show a little restraint. How the fuck did this happen? We’d only been together officially for a few weeks, and she was already driving me insane.
It was just after six when my phone rang and her name popped up. On my feet immediately, I headed out to my backyard where I’d have some privacy. “I just now read your messages,” she said, sounding oddly feeble.
Feeble was not a word I would’ve ever used to describe the tenacious and mouthy Hellman twin. I was just catching my breath when she added, “I’m sorry.”
Just like after all the marathon make-out sessions we’d had and after every moment I’d spent around her since, I felt completely drained. “It’s okay, baby,” I heard myself saying without thought.
“I turned my phone off,” she started to explain, and my heart thudded when I realized she was still sniffling even as she spoke in a lowered voice. “I couldn’t stand to think about it anymore. When I got home, I told Mama I wasn’t feeling well and was gonna take an aspirin and go to bed. But I took a Benadryl instead. I cried myself to sleep and just now woke up. I called you as soon as I read your text. It’s really not yours?”
“It’s not.”
“But you thought it might be?”
Her tone wasn’t quite as feeble as it started off, as if that last part just sunk in. Squeezing my eyes shut, I pinched the rim of my nose with a wince. “I had no idea how far along she was. I couldn’t even remember when the last time was I saw her, so I didn’t know if she’d just found out or maybe she was eight or nine months along.”
That last part was absolute bullshit. There was no way an unwed pregnancy would go unheard of for that long in a town like this, and I was pretty sure Madeline knew this too.
“I wanna see you,” I added before she had a chance to think about what I just said. “Tonight. Can you get out?”
She was quiet for too long until she finally spoke up. “It’ll be tricky. Mama thinks I’m not feeling well. Even made me soup.”
“You can’t get out even for just a few minutes?”
I knew I sounded desperate, but she’d said tricky not impossible, and after the day I’d had, I needed to see her. I needed to touch her, kiss her, reclaim her, and reassure my battered heart that this was really over. She hadn’t dumped my ass, and I wouldn’t have to deal with seeing her date anyone else anytime soon.
“I’ll have to lie. She won’t buy I’m well enough for any of my usual Friday night hangouts.” She paused, and I was already heading inside to change, and then she added something that had me stopping dead in my tracks. “I need to talk to you, but I won’t do this over the phone.”
“Do what?” I asked as my overworked heart started up again.
“Have this conversation. After what happened today, it’s something I need to do.”
“What are you talking about, Madeline? I told you it’s not my baby. You can’t hold that stupid rumor against me and just break things off—”
“Break things off?” she retorted much louder than how she’d been speaking earlier. “Are you insane? I took drugs today to make the pain go away, Nico. Who does that? Even before I read your later texts, before I knew it wasn’t yours, I actually considered the possibility that we might still be able to work something out. Do you know how weak and pathetic that makes me feel? All I could do was lie there crying and praying for the numbness to kick in faster. But it’s why we need to talk.”
I let what she said and the emotion with which she said it, simmer for a moment, taking a deep breath. Benadryl was hardly what I’d consider a drug, but I knew what she meant. I’d taken a few hits to calm my nerves while waiting so damn anxiously to hear back from her. At least I wasn’t alone in what I was feeling. “I went a little insane today waiting to hear back from you too,” I admitted. “Now I’m gonna go nuts until I see you and we have this talk. How long do you think it’ll take?”
She explained she’d be telling her mom she and Maggie were going to hang out at Shelby’s and possibly spend the night. Then the waiting started up again. Shelby’s mom was out of town for the weekend, so Madeline said we could talk there, in Shelby’s backyard where we’d have the privacy we needed. She texted me Shelby’s address and said she’d text me to let me know when she got there. But I’d done enough waiting today. As soon as I changed, I pushed my way out the front door on a mission. If I had to wait, I’d do it at Shelby’s where I wouldn’t have to wait even a minute longer once she got there.
I knew I’d agree to anything she asked of me as long as she didn’t say she couldn’t do this anymore. It only further confirmed what I’d suspected that very first night I ever spoke to her about a year ago. I’d never stood a chance of being able to stay away from this girl.