Chapter 17
“Mami, I’m not having this conversation again. I’m at work. I do not have time.”
“I am just as tired as you of having this conversation, mijo. But I’m trying to understand.”
Jase dropped his head back against the headrest of the chair he’d been occupying for the last twenty minutes in the staff lounge. He hated the disappointment in her voice, but this was the same fight they’d had since he announced he was moving out of the house he shared with Lizeth. He’d heard all the recriminations in the few months he lived with Anthony. He felt the guilt more heavily himself than she could make him feel with anything she’d said.
He got it. He fucked up. And not only had he fucked up for himself, but for everyone else. Which is why he’d moved, so everyone could have space from him. He’d stayed on the path to finish his residency, he’d paid everything he was required on time every month, lived up to every agreement he’d made. Still, no one was happy, him most of all.
“You keep running away from your responsibilities.”
“No, I haven’t run away, Mami.” He didn’t think she’d understand. Even Lizeth had originally agreed he’d made the right decision, until his parents had gotten her parents in on the guilt trips. He’d offered to help her move as well; it wasn’t like she had roots in California. Hell, she didn’t even have a job there. She lived on what money Ase sent her. Of course his mami called it guilt money.
And he didn’t have anyone but himself to blame, so he refused to act like a victim.
“I have to get back to work. Are you still coming out in a few weeks?”
“I don’t know. Is there a point?” Not that he really wanted her to.
“Not if you’re only coming to make me say my Rosary.”
The tense silence on the other end of the line tested his patience so he snapped. “Okay. I have to go. Love you. Give everyone my best.” Not that they’d give a shit. He was everyone’s greatest disappointment, according to them. Although he couldn’t see why when his youngest brother was in jail for selling coke and weapons charges, now. Ase couldn’t say he’d disappointed Lizeth, because she’d known from day one how things would turn out. But he’d disappointed himself because he’d been an idiot, letting his fear direct him.
He sat, eyes covered with his arm for a minute. He groaned when he uncovered them to find Dustin standing there, concern written all over his face.
“What exactly is it you fight about with your mother?”
“None of your business.”
Concern morphed to surprise on Dustin’s face. “Okay,” he drawled. Ase felt bad. He’d not meant to snap at Dustin. He wasn’t sure when he’d become this person.
About the time your your brothers walked in that fucking gay bar. He closed his eyes against those memories. If he just didn’t let them spill out, if he concentrated on some of the good things in his life right now, took them with him for a while, maybe he’d stop acting like such a miserable bastard.
“So, Doctor Roman is here doing rounds. She said you could go on break.”
“I was just…”
“Take a real one, Ase. You look like shit.”
“Thanks,” Ase said, not able to help the laugh that came out with the word. One thing he had to give Dustin; the guy had brass balls.
“Any time.nd since you’re on break, I thought you might want to know Deputy Blondie is waiting for you at the nurses’ station.” Dustin’s brows went up. “You invited him out this Saturday?”
Ase did not want to talk about that, so he just grunted and rose to his feet. He went out into the hall and down to find Jase. He couldn’t stop the annoying smile from appearing on his face. He still couldn’t fathom what lunacy had prompted him to invite Jase out this weekend. He assumed it was to make a clean—or not—break.
But part of him didn’t want to. Part of him really wanted to keep this light feeling he had as Jase noticed him and beamed. “Heya, Dr. Ramirez.”
“What’re you doing here?”
“I was checking on one of the other deputies who’s in with a broken leg. Thought I’d pop down here and say howdy.”
“Well—Hi,” Ase said, crossing his arms over his chest, propping himself against the counter of the nurses’ station.
“Don’t let me bother you. Just thought you might want more than one of those damn granola bars for lunch.” Jase held up a takeout bag from Ase’s favorite taqueria. Ase’d been thrilled when Jase introduced him to the place, because so far the only Mexican or Spanish food offerings in town—if you dared call them that—had been Americanized Mexican restaurants and the dreaded Taco Bell.
Ase gratefully took the bag, trying not to read too much into—not allowing himself to read into—Jase’s being so thoughtful. He couldn’t remember anyone doing so simple a thing as to remember a favorite restaurant, much less bring him something to work.
“Did you eat?” Ase asked.
“Yeah. I ate while I waited on your food.”
“Well, wanna come sit while I eat this?”
“Sure,” Jase said, beaming again.
They made their way to the cafeteria, which was blessedly empty. “Thank you. This was nice of you,” Ase said, as he dug in the bag.
“Not a problem.” Jase looked around. “Slow day?”
Ase nodded. “I haven’t had a single new pediatric case today. Knock on wood.” The irony of him being a pediatric surgeon wasn’t lost on him.
“I imagine that ex Anthony brought you lunch all the time.”
Ase looked up, surprised by the non-sequitur. “Smooth.” He laughed at Jase’s discomfiture. “But no. We were pretty, uh, rocky from the beginning.” And then some. “He was my attempt at…” Eating bad sausage to get the taste of fish out of my mouth. He smiled wryly at the crude, very unkind analogy. “Trying to defy my parents.”
Jase studied Ase for a minute. “Did you not, from the moment you got home?”
They were dangerously close to truths Ase wasn’t in the mood to discuss. But he could answer that honestly. “Disappointingly, no. I failed to live down to my reputation as a badass and gave in.”
Jase looked like he may have known exactly what Ase meant. He almost wished Jase would ask now. Let it be done.
He also wanted a fucking drink.
“So how’s your day going? Must be slow, too, if you’re here paying social calls.”
“Oh,” Jase said. “No, I just got done with my final on my four-three. I’ll be off all weekend.”
“Must be nice,” Ase said, haughtily.
“You’re off Saturday still, right?” The hopeful sound in Jase’s voice made Ase want to hug the man.
“Yes,” he said, quietly. Tell him.
“Excellent.”
If you want to salvage any of this, tell him now.
Jase’s phone rang. “Shit. I gotta take this.” They blinked in surprise at one another after Jase leaned in and pecked Ase on the lips like it was the most natural thing in the world.
“Uh,” Jase said, mouth opening and closing like a goldfish.
Ase waved it off, even though his heart hammered in his chest, trying to fly out of his ribcage and jump down Jase’s throat to go stay with his heart forever and ever, amen.
“Go take your call.” Ase was impressed he was able to give Jase a reassuring grin. Jase gave a nod, cheeks flushed, and left with a gruff, “Emery” spoken into his phone.
Ase watched the retreating back, and so many decisions started trying to make themselves, stories wanted to be told. All because of one fucking innocent, sweet kiss. He realized then, what he’d seen in Jase at the ghost town, that stupefied expression, and his own moment of awe while watching Jase smile had been two people who were no longer friends trying to catch up on lost time. They had crossed that line when Jase had blown Ase on the way home a little over a month ago.
Seeing or texting each other almost every day, constantly being reminded of the eight months they’d connected as pen pals after that fucking amazing weekend in Munich… They’d never had a chance. They were so perfect for each other that this sorry effort at fighting it seemed sad. But it couldn’t work with Ase’s demons and Jase’s internalized issues with his homosexual side.
Ase dropped his head on the table, still unable to shake the want. Maybe he could be honest. They were adults. He was out. Jase was out-ish. If Jase could take Ase’s demons, maybe.
Dare Ase let himself think of it? It was tiresome constantly struggling against it, and he wasn’t sure how he would now that he’d acknowledged it.
He only knew one thing right then. He was totally fucked.