Chapter 24
OUT of his peripheral vision, Ase saw the shiny, black dually slowly drive up the way by Jase’s house. He sat up from where he’d been lying on the couch, thumbing through his phone. He slowly moved toward the bay window and watched as a guy, not much younger than he and Jase, hopped down out of the large truck and glanced back toward where Ase’s bike was parked beside Jase’s Ram.
Damn. He and Jase had been so wrapped up in each other. Jase said his brother knew about him, but Ase wondered if he still shouldn’t have moved Matilda II before they’d gone to bed. If Jase’s brother had noticed it easily, Ase had no doubt Jase’s mother had. He did not want to be a problem for Jase.
But that was all part of what they needed to talk about.
The frown marring Jase’s brother’s face was more thoughtful than unkind before the man turned and made his way into the large ranch house up the hill. That wasn’t a bad sign, he hoped. His own brother’s face was probably contorted in rage today. Ase’s parents’ sure had been two days ago.
“You don’t have to do this, Alessandro,” his mother wailed. Ase stood, back to the door of his mami and papi’s small, adobe style home in Southeast San Diego. His car was parked on the street, unlocked. That wasn’t safe at all, not in their neighborhood. Another thing they’d held over him.
“We could have lived in better places, had much more, but we saved all this money for your schools. You think every little boy from this neighborhood gets to go to private school, mijo?” Of course he knew they didn’t. He was one of only five Hispanic kids in his graduating class of fifty. And Dios knows they’d reminded him every day of his life. “Your brothers didn’t have the chances you did.” It was true. Mateo had been born in Mexico, had been old enough his Spanish had made school difficult. His younger brother, Cris, had never given a shit. Ase, though, had been the golden boy with the brains and the drive to get the fuck out.
He’d always been grateful for everything they did. But this… this was it. Almost twenty-seven years old and the guilt did nothing but keep him under-thumb like he was a teenager. And Ase was tired. And worn down. He had no more energy or sacrifice to give to these people.
Ase was actually impressed with himself that his papi’s livid scowl wasn’t making him cower as it had for years. Just like with his brother, Ase could now see the man was a bully. Ase owed the man so much, but no longer his servitude. Even if that was dramatic, it was how their relationship felt. He’d lost too much and now had things to gain by standing up and saying, “No more.”
“Mami, this isn’t disrespect. I’m a man now. I pay my bills. I’ve paid you all back and will help however I can—”
“A man, he says,” Papi spat, in Spanish.
Ase continued in English. “Papers are signed, things are in motion. I go back to Texas tomorrow.” Thank fuck. This was why Ase had waited until today. He knew it wasn’t the most mature move he could make, but he’d already packed up his hotel room, ready to head out as early as possible. He didn’t need to give them time to fuck with him. He hated having to act like a criminal, running away. But so far his papi’s methods had proved he’d make rash, drastic decisions to keep his family in line.
Even if it involved using that damn wooden walking cane now resting beside his recliner.
“I don’t want to not see you again,” he said to his mami alone. He knew this was going to be hard on her, and the brunt of his papi’s comeuppance would fall on her, as well. She wouldn’t leave, though. And he couldn’t stay. He was done.
“If you leave, you never come back,” his papi said. The growl, the raw anger in Juan Ramirez’s voice brooked no argument. Ase’s mami cried louder. Which earned her a few curses in Spanish from the old man.
“Tu hermano—” his papi started.
“My brother has nothing to do with this. Either of them.” Ase quaked a bit, then said what he’d really come to say, the reason he’d decided he had to stop here before leaving town, other than it felt wrong to run off with his tail between his legs. “I will not think of you, which is lucky for you. What you did to me, to Lizeth—”
“Was a fucking waste. You shame us.”
“A crime, papi. It was a crime.” Not that he emotionally had it in him to do it. He just wanted to be away from here. “And it was so wrong.” He hated how his voice cracked on the last word.
“Wrong to not want my son to be a fucking joto? If you’d grown up where I did, they’d not have tried to fix you. They’d have cut your balls off and left you in the fucking village so people could spit on you.” And Juan looked like that option was perfectly viable to him at the moment, which made Ase’s gut clench.
“Good thing we’re here, then.” Ase held himself together somehow, because the disdain rolling off his papi in furious waves said the old man was contemplating doing as he’d said anyway. The only reason his papi wasn’t in his face was because the arthritis in his knees made him feeble and slow.
Ase’d never wanted to cry like he did now, the stricken look on his mother’s face, the hatred coming from his papi. This was… fucked. But more than anything it was cathartic. Oh, he was breaking, and he was falling to pieces on the goddamned floor right now, but he knew—at least he had a little hope—that when he walked out and drove away from this house, probably for the last time, he’d be able to try to fix some of what had been broken. He hoped he could.
Papi started railing on him, cursing him, hobbling up from his chair, but struggling against his aching joints. Ase pitied the man, for a brief moment. Very brief.
And when his papi raised that fearful fucking cane of his… making himself numb, Ase put his hand out to catch the fucking wooden walking stick. With all his fucking might, he took it and raised it, himself, taking only the briefest satisfaction in the sudden fear in his father’s eyes. He was a weak old man and Ase was in his prime. Ase could beat the fuck out of the old bastard and … and he’d be the one going to jail. He couldn’t do that to Jase. He couldn’t do that to himself. He wasn’t that person. But it felt good seeing the old man fear for his life, right then.
He threw the cane down, blocking the sound of his mami’s grieved wailing from his mind. “I pity you,” Ase said, with feeling. “And I hate you.”
And then he walked out to his car.
And he drove away.
He may not openly admit it, but he’d cried all the way back to his empty hotel room. He cried for his mami and for the fact he’d probably never speak to any of them again. But he also cried for himself and how they’d broken him. And then he cried because he was going to survive and because he was fucking free. And then, alone in that hotel room, he slept one last night, before heading down the I-10 back to Texas. It was as cathartic as it was painful. To be the man he wanted to be, he had to bury huge parts of the boy he’d once been. It hurt, but he liked to think he was keeping the best parts.
Ase blinked back the mist that’d settled in his eyes. Fuck. This was not the time to break down again. He was with Jase. He didn’t have time to keep running over every moment of that morning where his parents played the Hispanic homophobe caricature. Jase and he had talking to do, and hopefully some semblance of a future to maybe, sort of, kind of plot. If Jase would take him, damaged as he was.
Somehow, though, he had faith. Jase hadn’t let him down yet, his bulldog who had gone to bat for him when they were still kind of strangers.
He hoped he could repay the kindness. Or show even a fraction of the gratitude he wished he could to the only person who’d really ever stood up for Ase, ever.
****
Jase’s dreamed of sunshine and a beautiful, happy young man with a camera and a mischievous smile. He dreamed of butterflies in his stomach and the rush of being on the back of a motorcycle and kisses before the world was so real.
He dreamed of the shutters of a camera, that sounded like heartbeats and….
His eyes blinked open, the sounds of laughter and heavy breathing fading into the ether, but a bright morning’s sunlight welcomed him to a world that wasn’t so heavy. And the shutters followed him into wakefulness. It took him a few moments of groggy blinking and rubbing his eyes before the shutters stopped and were replaced by happy chuckles from the other side of the room.
Jase peeled his eyes open fully and found Ase standing in the doorway to Jase’s bedroom, smile dimmer than in the dream, but happy all the same. His eyes were a bit distant, a little haunted, but a lot more relaxed than Jase had seen in months. It stole his breath for a moment to see Ase’s beautiful, shirtless form, with his camera in his hands, and a look of amusement on his face.
“You’re being a weird stalker again.”
Ase gave a filthy half-grin and stalked over to the bed, got on his knees on the mattress to get closer to Jase. Then he leaned over and placed a gentle, nipping kiss on Jase’s lips that made gooseflesh rise all over Jase’s naked body. His morning wood bounced greedily beneath the sheets.
“Good morning,” Ase said.
“Mornin’,” Jase said, still groggy.
“Sorry. It’s a bit early still, but I couldn’t resist taking a few shots of you sleeping. You were just too adorbs to pass up the opportunity.”
Jase curled his lip. “Did you just say adorbs?”
“What can I say? I spent a couple of days with girls I performed with in San Diego. They’re all totes and adorbs, and apparent they can never even. Ever. I honestly thought that had all gone out of style while I was hidden out here in the land that time forgot.”
Jase leaned up to kiss Ase, who was looking a bit too adorbs himself with his bedhead and puffy right cheek he’d obviously had propped on his fist. “Should’ve hidden out longer, apparently.”
“Well, turns out—” Ase kissed Jase again, then sat back, crossing his legs and picking at the quilt that covered Jase. “I could have gotten my head out of my ass and talked to this sexy deputy I know, and he’d have been hiding me out.” Ase looked back up at Jase, a bit shamefaced. Jase leaned up on one elbow and used his other hand to reach and run his fingers through Ase’s hair.
“He would have been glad to do it. But he’s glad you’re here now, either way.”
It begged the questions “how long” and “what are we doing?” but Jase didn’t even know how to start that conversation. He looked over at the digital clock on his bedside and muttered “Shit.”
“What?” Ase asked, startled.
“Oh,” Jase said, shaking his head. “Sorry. I’m just a bit behind on feeding.”
Ase grimaced. “Yeah, I think you’re good. Your brother is here. I saw him walking toward the barn.”
“Oh, good.” Jase fell back on his pillow and stretched. One of Ase’s strong hands landed on Jase’s pec and stroked down his stomach. Jase sighed at the reverent touch, the sheer worship in Ase’s eyes making his heart ache. Didn’t Ase know he could have Jase any time?
“He also saw my bike.” The guilt that poured from Ase’s words made Jase sit up and place a palm on Ase’s cheek.
“Don’t fret. Really. I knew the ultimate outcome of you staying over. There’re some long overdue conversations all around.” Lord, but Jase couldn’t think about that without coffee and food in his system. “Which can be handled after I piss and have caffeine.”
Ase perked up, proudly. “I made coffee. There’ll be a fresh pot.”
Jase put both hands on Ase’s face and put a big smacking kiss on his lips. “You’re amazing, and I want two of you.”
He didn’t even think too much on how he’d settle for just the one of Ase, and bounded from the bed to take care of his unhappy bladder. While he brushed his teeth, he caught himself humming and felt like he’d lost his mind. But that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. It’d been a good night, a decent morning. May as well enjoy the good while it lasted.
That gave him an idea.
After finishing up in the bathroom he sought out Ase. “Hey, there’s a thermos in the cabinet above the coffee maker. Fill it up. Grab some granola bars out of the pantry. We’ll go for a walk.”
Ase’s eyebrows shot up.
“I know. It’s just such a nice morning. And being out of the house will be more neutral.” Ase considered Jase and gave a nod, understanding the meaning behind the words. Meaning it’d be easier to have the conversation they needed to have without Ase feeling trapped or Jase feeling like the walls were closing in.
Jase went into his room and changed into jeans and a t-shirt. “You’re welcome to see if anything of mine will fit you. If the jeans are too short, I at least have gym shorts that should do the trick.” He went back out into the living room. “Or just swipe a t-shirt. God knows with these guns, they’ll all just hang right off you, but you should find something that’ll do.”
“You’re such a fucker,” Ase said, not looking up from his phone.
“Anyway. I’m gonna run and check on Mama. I do every morning.” Which Ase knew, so Jase didn’t know why he’d spelled it out. “I’ll be just a few minutes, and we’ll head out.”
“You sure?” Ase’s earnest worry made Jase’s feet move of their own volition. He pulled the man into a fierce hug and held him until he melted into the embrace.
“So touchy-feely,” Ase teased.
“Only with you.” Truer words. After a beat they separated, and Jase went up to the ranch house. He wasn’t sure at what point he’d gotten back in the habit of just walking in, and if ever there was a morning he’d probably have been more comfortable knocking, today would have been that day, but he walked right in like nothing was amiss and followed the chatter. When he pushed through the swinging door to the kitchen, his mama and Will sat drinking coffee.
Their gazes all bounced around, flicking from one to the other. His brother looked awkward, but that was pretty much his permanent disposition around Jase the last few years. Their mama was contemplative, frowning more than she had in a while.
“Mornin’. Just checking in,” he said, to break the ice. Be cool.
“Good mornin’,” Will said. That was good. Will was one of those people who you could tell his mood by whether he said good mornin’, mornin’, or just plain hey. So, uncomfortable, but nothing out of the ordinary.
“Doing alright this mornin’, Mama?” Jase asked.
“Yes.”
Will looked like he wanted to be anywhere but there when her curt affirmative cracked through the room.
“Okay,” Will said, slowly. To Jase he said, “I got the horses fed. Figured you’d slept in on your day off. S’why I came over early.” He then addressed their mama. “And Michelle wanted me to make sure you were comin’ to church Sunday. There’s gonna be a small lunch or something-or-other for you, since it’ll be your first Sunday back.”
She waved a hand. “I’ll be there. Of course I’ll be there. Tell her I’ll make my macaroni salad.” She then pinned Jase with her gaze. “Will you be going?”
“I can’t. I have to work the first shift.” Though he knew she was likely saying he needed to be in church. Oh well. Work was work.
“Well, make sure you come by for lunch. Michelle’ll be upset if you can’t stop by for a plate.” Will grimaced to say it in front of their mother, but went ahead. “You can bring your friend a plate too.”
Their mama glowered at Will then rolled her neck to give Jase another accusatory once over. “I gotta speak my piece, here. You know I thought that might be what was going on. When I saw him last time, and what with you moping about since then.” Her head moved from side to side. “Now, I love you dearly. But I can’t condone that.”
“What exactly?” Jase said, evenly.
She glared. “Do I need to say it out loud?”
“Mama.”
“Maybe you should,” Will said, a pointed look making Jase want to thump the fucker’s ear.
Jase sighed, pulled out a chair from the table, and sat across from his mother. “Mama. That’s Ase. In my house. And I care about him a lot.”
“Is this why you left home?”
“What? No.”
“You know folks won’t take well to that around here.”
“Mama, a lot of people know I’m bi—that I like both men and women. And they don’t disapprove, at least not my friends. Or my boss.”
Her frowned deepened. “Well, shame on them.”
“Mama,” Will said, disapprovingly. That surprised Jase. Though, Will had never really shared his opinion on Jase’s sexuality.
“You want me to lie?” she asked impassively.
“No. I don’t reckon I do,” Jase said, truthfully.
“He isn’t coming for Christmas.”
“Mama, I don’t even know there’ll be an us at Christmas. And please don’t force me to make that choice. Not this morning.”
“I suppose you’ll be off to San Antonio again then,” she said. Statement, not a question, her voice bored, matter-of-fact. But her chin did that annoying mom-guilt wobble that got an eye roll behind her back from Will.
“You’re well. I was always leaving. But today is not the day for this. Okay. We can talk about this later. Please.”
“You bet your ass we will,” she said, picking up her coffee like that ended the matter.
Will shrugged.
Jase would take it. For now. “I gotta get back. Holler if you need anything.” She waved him off.
He shook his head as he walked out and back to his cottage. His shoulders sagged, a bit in relief at finally having said the words “I’m bi” to his mother. And he supposed, even though she didn’t accept it, she hadn’t lost her shit. As least not yet. He always had that to look forward to.
Just when he started to get lost in thought, feeling antsy, he glanced up. And there was Ase, stepping out onto the porch with a sympathetic smile and that thermos of coffee, his camera hanging from a strap around his neck. He was wearing one of Jase’s plain grey ARMY shirts. And damn it looked good on him, relaxed and with no hype.
“How’d that go?”
“Could have been worse. Not horrible.” He needed to digest it. And he needed some one-on-one time with his mother later. But he’d done the right thing. And he was proud of himself for having done it. He’d always hoped he’d have the balls to tell his mama what was what if the day came that he had someone special who happened to be a man. For his own sake, his mama’s sake, and that man’s sake, he always wanted to believe he had the integrity to do that. And for Ase, he’d do it again.
“Now, us,” Ase said.
Jase nodded. “Let’s walk.”