Chapter 25
THEY walked through the tall grass until they got to the dirt trail that led around the side of the property and just into the woods. Every once in a while Jase heard the camera doing its happy clicking as Ase snapped photos. It really was a beautiful morning for it. Everything was still just this side of green, getting ready to turn soon.
Jase caught the wistful way in which Ase’s wandering eyes gazed over the ranch and caught himself smiling. He felt content to his bones just walking like this with Ase. It was like every time they got together, just the two of them and that fancy camera, the whole world just got a little more colorful just for them.
God, you’ve gone soft. He snorted at the thought. Soft was the last thing he was around Ase. Maybe soft in the fucking head.
“What’s so funny?”
“Nothing.” He groused at having been busted. “Just being a perv.”
Ase suddenly covered Jase from behind, wrapping his arms around Jase’s middle and nipping his neck just above the collar of his t-shirt. Jase groaned, head falling back onto Ase’s shoulder. He wanted to stay like that, to just get lost in it.
But no. He stepped forward. “Oh, no you don’t.”
“Spoilsport.”
“That’s me. Old cock-block Emery.”
Ase chuckled and continued following behind Jase, who was happy to see they’d finally reached their destination. The old pond on their property had been Jase and his brother’s favorite place growing up. They rode ATVs down during the summer with their friends, swam, played with the dogs. It was peaceful. And their parents couldn’t see when they had girls—or boys—for some play time.
“This is great,” Ase said, taking a knee and snapping several photos.
“Yeah, I love this place. It’s always been a good place to think.”
Ase lowered his camera, smile faltering.
“Come on,” Jase said, holding out his hand. Jase needed this over with. And Ase looked like he needed it as well. The nerves, the waiting for shit to hit the fan. It was… tiring. Ase took the proffered hand and stood to follow.
They made their way to where several plastic chairs, covered in leaves, surrounded a wooden table. Jase pulled out a couple chairs, turned them toward the pond, side by side, and took Ase’s hand again. Ase was right. Jase had definitely gotten touchy-feely all of a sudden.
He needed the tether, for now. He needed the grounding. This might be the last time, though it didn’t particularly feel that way.
They took their seats, holding hands, watching leaves blow over the pond and float on the water. Every once a while a brim would pop up and grab a bug to snack on, disturbing the water in little nips here and there. If anyone had asked Jase six months ago if he ever thought he’d be sitting in this place with Ase, he’d have called them an idiot and told them no way.
It was surreal and amazing and so many other things.
“So…,” Jase said. He couldn’t stand it anymore.
“Yeah,” Ase said, on a sigh. “Thank you for bringing me here.” Ase squeezed Jase’s hand “I just wanted to say that before anything else. This is just like what I imagined. Only less cow shit.”
Jase laughed, giving Ase a playful shove. “Asshole.”
After they settled, Ase breathed in deeply. “Okay, for real though. I guess it’s that time.”
“Guess so.”
More silence.
“Oh, this is dumb.” Ase said, then turned his chair, boring his gaze into Jase’s. Jase flinched back at all the emotion churning in the man’s eyes. But this was Ase’s time. He obviously had something to get of his chest.
“I filed for an annulment. While I was in California.”
“That’s… good. Right?”
Ase nodded. “Very. It’s probably cruel; I don’t know what it’ll do to her legal status. And I know what happened wasn’t all her fault, but she was right there with my papi and the Fix Ase Brigade. So if they deport her, I gave her enough money that if she takes it back with her, she’ll be set for a long while.”
Ase looked away for a moment, then back. “Does that make me a horrible person?”
Jase grumbled. “Better than what I’d do to the lot of ‘em.”
That got the ghost of a smile from Ase. “I told my parents. They told me to fuck off. Not in so many words, but it was bad. And I wouldn’t be surprised if my brother shows up any day now. I’m done. I’m done with the guilt and hurting. I’m done.” And the man looked it, bone-weary and sad.
“Oh, Alessandro,” Jase said, placing a hand on Ase’s knee.
Ase closed his eyes dreamily. Jase just gave his knee a squeeze for solidarity.
“In those weeks, I talked to a counselor a few times. Mostly I went for a consult, and for names of people out here. But, we had a few good sessions. She’s good people.”
“That’s good. That’s real good.”
“She thinks I probably have a form of PTSD. The nightmares, the drinking. She said it’s not uncommon in people who suffered…” Ase paused and looked out over the water.
Jase let Ase have the moment because he couldn’t imagine how it must be to have to look for those particular words.
“Someone who went through sexual abuse of some kind.”
Jase winced. “I…” Selfishly, he wanted to know if he’d made it worse. They’d just been intimate, and he hadn’t really even thought of that. The last thing he should be looking for was to have his own guilt assuaged but Ase caught his expression and quailed.
“Oh, God. No, I don’t want you to think anything we do is tainted.” He squeezed the hand Jase had rested on his knee. “It’s definitely caused me problems, but as far as me and you, it’s perfect. Okay?”
Jase nodded, choked up.
“But I still have work to do. I’m gonna get as better as I can. I feel a lot better after confronting my dad and shit. I feel like I’m getting it together. And having you; it’s just something I never thought I’d get.” The way Ase’s voice trembled shook Jase to his core.
“You know I care about you. A lot.” Jase said the words so there was no lingering but in the air. He meant them exactly as they were spoken.
The light in Ase’s eyes was brilliant suddenly, even if his face was still drawn. “That, that means so much.” He cleared his throat. “I still gotta work on feeling good enough to be with you. I still feel so much guilt. Shame. I hate being this fucking vulnerable.” Ase pulled his own hair and Jase grabbed his hands. Jase could only imagine. He himself hated feeling too vulnerable, but Ase, with his pride and his swagger and his fuck the world attitude, that cockiness that just made him Ase. To have that ripped away and have nothing but this raw quick exposed to the world right now must be devastating. But Jase was honored to be here with him.
“Hey, none of that. Just. What do we need to do?”
Ase almost crumpled. “We.”
No, Alessandro. You’re not too damaged for me. Stop thinking it.
“Yes, we. I know a relationship is probably too much.”
“No. That’s what I wanted to talk about.” Ase sat up straight. “If you’ll have me. I’d like to. Okay, let me start from the beginning.” He took a deep breath. “I ran into a bit of luck about a week or so ago.” Lord, if anyone deserved a little luck. “One of the queens I performed with regularly was at the club when I went to say hello. She hooked me up with her cousin who owns a bar in San Antonio.”
Jase thought he knew where this might be going and raised a brow. Ase laughed. That was fucking nice to hear, even if it was just for a second. “No, no. Well, yes, I’d be around liquor. But it’s really popular as a Mexican restaurant—and don’t even fuck with me about the cliché.” Teasing was good. Jase smiled encouragingly. They were getting somewhere. Where, Jase didn’t know… but somewhere. “He needs a waiter-slash-bartender. It’s not the money I’m used to as a doctor but—”
“Wait. You’re going from doctor to waiter.”
“Just until I know my next move, career-wise. I still got some money. And I sold some shit to some of the girls while I was in San Diego.” Ase’s excitement grew as he shared his plans for looking at apartments and maybe getting back into photography classes. There was so much he could do with his medical degree but he hated medicine, anyway.
“And I chose this. This was me. I’m doing it for me. And I know a couple of the performers there. I’ll have people.” Ase’s eyes were wide and hopeful, his hands gripping Jase, begging for understanding that confused Jase because....
“Ase. If it makes you happy. I wish you all the best. Really.”
“It’d also make me really, really fucking happy, if we could keep seeing where this is going.”
Jase’s fucking heart. Goddamn, his heart. It nearly exploded on the spot with happiness and fullness, and he didn’t have words. He knew this was going to be work, for both of them. He knew Ase had shit to work through, and Jase himself had some residual daddy issues left, and that he probably needed his own counselor for.
“Ase, we’ve been through a lot of shit, you and me. I think it… it’s something I want.”
Ase’s smile.
It nearly knocked Jase over. Then they did fall over because Ase pummeled Jase with a kiss.
“But,” Jase said, through the kisses and laughing.
“But?”
“I want you to get better for you. Okay?”
Ase’s smile was uncharacteristically shy. “I am. I guess I just think of you as my prize at the end of it all, you know. If we can make it.”
“Oh, Ase.” Jase scoffed. “I’m no prize. And I got things I should work on. I can be a better me. I know I hurt you with some of my bullshit about my fucked-up definition of manliness. But I’ll do it. I’m damn sure not passing up this second chance when the gods seem to have taken it upon themselves to give it to us.”
Ase’s eyes were a little too bright, but fondness shone out of them. “One day at a time, huh?”
“Yeah. One day at a time.” Seemed like they’d used those words a lot since they’d known each other, but if those words would save them, they sounded like pure fucking poetry to Jase.
They lay on the ground tangled together, looking up at the clear, blue sky through the treetops. And it all just felt so possible. Still broken in so many ways. But possible.
****
The following Monday, Ase was overwhelmed, to say the least, as he walked out of University Hospital for the last time. He’d faxed his resignation from his pediatric residency while he was still in California, but he’d decided an in person thank you to some of the doctors he’d worked under was appropriate.
They’d been surprised to see Ase had come to thank them, but not surprised he’d dropped. They all offered advice on new careers, if he wasn’t interested in practicing medicine or being a surgeon. But it’d been plain to them Ase hadn’t been interested. Ase had been bored and miserable there, anyway. He’d hated the shifts, the pressure. He liked the challenge and using his brain, but as far as the other residents and the job itself, he’d taken so little interest, it’d been obvious his heart hadn’t been in it.
More of the nursing staff was sad to see him go. Two tried to talk him into going into nursing. But Ase was in the mood to be a little more unrestricted for a while. He wanted to be broke, and enjoy living in his new town, hang out with new and old friends, maybe even get back into his photography seriously. He’d never been the typical college kid. Between maintaining high grades for his scholarships and taking care of things for Lizeth and his parents, Ase’s only time of acting like an average twenty-something was when he’d gotten tattoos, when he’d done shows as Ariel, when he’d spent those six amazing months in Munich.
Not that this was about him being young and dumb, but he was looking forward to… freedom. He’d missed freedom more than anything. He missed those six months of selfishness, which had been hindered by the fact he knew he’d be going right back home to be a responsible son once again.
His parents had done so much, had worked hard, had started on their brood by the time they were twenty. He was grateful for their sacrifices, but one thing he and his counselor in San Diego had discussed, one thing she’d reminded him, was he’d made a lot of sacrifices as well. He’d studied, he’d bussed tables as a teenager to help with bills and college savings. He’d paid for a wife and kept her safe, even after she’d done what she’d done.
Ase didn’t think she was a bad person. He did understand she’d come from a different world, like his parents. He didn’t want her hurt in all this. Well, he wasn’t so willing to protect her that he’d put his neck out for her anymore. But no more lying.
Ase was many things, but a liar he was not. He wanted to be himself again, the one he’d let get lost in the shame of the last few years of his life. He loved the Ase he’d been in Munich, the Ase he was inside. And it was time.
That was what he kept trying to tell himself. The guilt wasn’t gone. He did want to call his mami and apologize. Again and again. But Jase, blessed, understanding Jase took the phone from him. And they’d spent the weekend getting Ase ready to leave. Again. But Ase was feeling in control. For the first time in so very long, Ase felt like he was going to be living his life again.
And maybe, just maybe, he’d get to have a little peace, a place of his own, and a future with Jase. If he could have those things, he would be fucking thrilled. Jase and his bike and his camera. His family could keep the rest. Because living under them, he’d nearly folded.
When he pulled Matilda II into the parking spot by his apartment, he eyed the steadily filling U-Haul in the spot beside him. He’d told Jase to take a break while he was gone, but he’d obviously not listened. Stubborn bastard.
Ase walked toward his open apartment door, music pouring out as he got closer. When he walked in his head fell back as he laughed loudly. Back to the door, Jase’s ass shook to the beat of the song, and there was a long blonde wig on his head. One of Ariel’s. Jase started, turning toward Ase, eyes wide, and placed a hand over his heart.
“No need to clutch your pearls, Deputy. But you may wanna hold onto that wig. Looks like it’s coming off.”
Jase looked up at the hair and scowled as he snatched it off his head. “It looked heavy. I wanted to try.” He held his nose up indignantly. “I was right. It’s heavy.”
Ase checked his smile, but inside; he beamed. He knew the man well enough to know that was a gesture, a sweet moment of showing he was trying to do for Ase what he’d said. The blush on his cheeks was cute, and Ase had to reward Jase. A kiss for effort. Even if he hadn’t exactly meant to get busted.
Ase wrapped an arm around Jase’s waist, kissed him soundly on the lips. When he pulled back, he was short of breath. It was amazing how much the man made his whole body shut down and feel alive at the same time. Jase’s flush was deeper, his eyes a little glazed.
“Thanks for the help. But you could have taken a break.”
Jase shook his head and stepped out of Ase’s hold. “No. Since you insist on leaving tonight, I wanted to make sure you wouldn’t have to rush.”
The man hadn’t even been able to help, originally. But he must have pulled some strings, because he’d come knocking around nine a.m. with coffee and boxes.
“Jase, you’re doing too much.”
“Hey, this is what we do for people we care about in Texas.” Jase said “people we care about” much more casually than Ase could tell he meant the sentiment. Ase wanted to take the man right back to bed for everything, for all of his help and support. He wanted to thank Jase for also trying, and he still was flabbergasted the man had come out to his mom. Again, because he cared about Ase and didn’t want it to be an issue.
“So gossip around the hospital is a certain sexy doctor was going to leave without telling a bitch goodbye.” Dustin’s voice floated in from the doorway. Ase turned, surprised.
“Oh, sorry,” Dustin said, looking at Jase. He didn’t look very sorry though. Yeah, Ase would miss the guy.
“Nurses gossip too much,” Jase grumbled, behind him. Ase ignored it and went to give Dustin a hug, which seemed to shock him.
“No way. I was going to text you,” Ase said, as he disengaged.
Dustin’s shock turned to an eye roll as he ran his fingers through his curly hair. “There’s the asshole I know and kinda like.” The dry tone was belied by a wink. He was still in scrubs, so he was either on his way into work or just coming from.
“You headed in?” Ase asked, as he waved Dustin inside. He gritted his teeth when he noticed how Jase eyed the way Dustin stood with a hip cocked, hand resting there. Well, if Ase needed reminding Jase was merely human, leave it to these moments to keep perspective. Jase caught Ase’s eye and dropped his own in shame as he turned away. Oh, Jase. Nice to know I’m not the only work in progress here.
Jase had told Ase about some of the harsher things his dad had called him, his treatment of his older son. Not that it really compared to the hell of Ase’s papi but you can’t compare shit like that. Damage done is damage done. He had faith in Jase. He was such a good guy in his core.
When Ase looked back Dustin’s way, the way he flicked his eyes between Ase and Jase said he must have noticed the exchange. Jase wandered off into the bedroom with a box. “I’ll give you guys a minute.” The grudging jealousy was kind of cute. A little annoying, too. But cute.
“That an issue still?”
Ase thought back to how he’d fucked Jase while he wore that skirt, the way Jase had seen right through him. Fuck that’d been so hot. They had to fucking repeat that.
“Not so much as you’d think,” he said, looking back to where Jase had disappeared. “We’re working on bringing out his inner queen.”
“Heh. I have no doubt you can handle the task.” Dustin’s smirk made Ase chuckle.
“I do have my magic ways.” He went into the kitchen and bade Dustin to follow. When they got there, he lifted a large black bag. “Liquor. All of it. Take it.”
Dustin’s brows went up. “Well, I thought you were gonna show me your magic ways. But I suppose with your man in the house, this is better.” Dustin opened the bag. “Damn, some of this is new.”
Ase shrugged, going for nonchalant. “I’m trying this clean living thing. And the not-coping-with-alcohol thing seemed to go hand-in-hand with that.”
Dustin’s warm regard made Ase sad he’d be leaving his friend behind. He also wished he’d been a bit better friend to the man.
“Good luck, Ase. I’m so fucking stoked for you. Just so’s you know.”
Ase nodded.
“Anyway. I just came to say goodbye. I actually was heading in when Vernice, of all people, was all in a state about the fine-ass brown man leaving, and what a shame it was. Figured it’d be worth it to be late a few minutes to say goodbye.” Dustin smiled again, one of those genuine, kind smiles Ase hadn’t let himself notice from people over the last while. Amazing how much sunshine gets in the brain when there’s a little hope to give it a hand.
“Bye, Dustin. Thanks for coming by.”
Dustin lifted the bag. “Hell, I got shit-tons of free hooch. I think I’m the winner here.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Ase said, pushing Dustin out of the kitchen. “Fuck off, I’ve got packing to finish.”
“I can’t believe you found a place already.”
“Jase has a friend.”
“Ah, friends with friends. It’s the southern way.”
“You’re from Texas.”
“Tomato, to-mah-to.” Dustin peered out the front door. “Well, I’ll get. Seriously. Good luck. And if you and Deputy Blondie in there split….”
“Deputy Blondie can hear,” Jase called, though he did sound in better humor.
“I was gonna say I’d take him,” Dustin said, thumbing toward Jase.
Ase guffawed. “Go away, Dustin.” And with that, he closed another part of this chapter. Though, he had a funny feeling he’d hear from the guy again.
Sighing, looking around at how much was left to pack—though much less than before, Ase decided to get a move on. He picked up a couple of the boxes Jase had already finished packing and carried them out to the trailer.
Surprised to find Jase behind him when he’d spun around to go back inside, he stopped still and studied the man’s expression. Rarely did Jase do it anymore, but he still had that eerie way of effecting a stoic, soldier-like air.
“Did you want some alone time with your twink?”
Ase blinked for a second, not sure whether Jase was teasing or not. He exited the trailer because he was not about to stand around arguing in a space that would echo. Jase stepped close to him when they’d exited, and Ase said, sardonically, “Careful. Twink’s a gay word, gringo.”
Jase narrowed his eyes as Ase stalked over to him, almost pinning the man to the side of the trailer. Their chests were barely an inch from one another; he could feel the heat coming off Jase. He could smell that spicy cologne, which he’d laughed to find out was some shit he thought most guys stopped wearing in high-school; something with a name like a form of dance. It was cute. Kind of like Jase’s scowl. That’s why he’d pushed Jase publicly. He couldn’t imagine the man was actually jealous. Not after all they’d been through.
“Well, I’m the one leaving you here with the fuck buddy you lived with. Is it gonna be some ‘while they cat’s away’ shit? Huh?” Ase didn’t really think so. Okay. Not much. “How is Lacey anyway?” he asked, in his best Ariel voice, giving his head a little bob. Mostly it was to cover a tiny insecurity he felt about even asking about the woman.
Jase huffed a few breaths then bam. A kiss. In public. Not a licking, heated, start-something kiss, but a chaste I’ll miss you, I need you, weak in the knees kind of kiss. Ase knew the surprise that must have shown on his face when Jase smirked like he did.
He narrowed his eyes. “Oh, you have not won here, sir.” Though, you may have just won my heart. He really had to struggle not to laugh at Ariel’s voice dramatically swooning in his head. But yeah. That moment… kind of made up for Jase being a dick when he saw Dustin’s posture earlier.
Jase looked really sad all of the sudden, though, which brought Ase up short. “You okay?”
Jase nodded and was still quiet for a second. “Yes.” He looked around before meeting Ase’s eye. “I’m really okay. Just in time for you to leave.” Oh. Oh, Jase.
“Hey, we’ll see each other every other weekend. It’s not goodbye, right? Only a few months.” He wanted to touch Jase, but the kiss had been huge, and he didn’t want to ruin it by going overboard. Hell, he wasn’t sure he could handle physical contact for his own reasons in that moment.
“And you, Deputy Emery, are going to keep being okay. And you’ll be even better when you’re back on your turf. And I’ll spend time getting my head on straight—so to speak.” He had to give his best shit-eating grin at that. It landed on its mark, Jase’s smile splitting his face beautifully. “And maybe we’ll resemble something like a boring, sane couple one day.”
Jase considered Ase wistfully, which was a new one. Then he smirked again. “I probably wouldn’t go that far.”
Ase snorted. “Yeah. Me neither.”
But who needs sane? Ase thought, drama aside, they were pretty fucking great as they were. Now they just had to get their shit together.
Jase headed back toward the house, and Ase took a moment to leer at the way his uniform slacks hugged that sexy, round ass. “Oh, Jase. I just thought of a goodbye present.” That you can give me twice
And Jase did. Three times, to be exact.