I haven’t seen Valerie since the last time I met her at Hector’s to apologize, and oddly I miss her. I texted her on Christmas and invited her to Mamá’s but she had Thea and said she was enjoying the alone time with her. Pedro saw her at Hector’s recently and she mentioned that she had Thea for New Year’s also, so I didn’t bother to invite her to Mamá’s for that either.

The Wednesday after New Year’s, I went out to dinner with Sarah, a nice woman who’s a little closer to my age than the young women I was taking out for a while. Valerie and my brothers have me a little self-conscious about that suddenly. She’s nice and attractive, but there was something missing, so that date didn’t last longer than the meal. I can be bored in bed by myself; I didn't need to include someone else and I could tell that’s what would’ve happened.

If my brother Diego were here he’d joke that it’s because she’s too old for me. He’s been on me about my youthful dates recently. When I tried to explain that I don’t want to sit at dinner and talk about the stock market or politics, but want some fire and passion, and to be quite honest, something interesting, he jumped all over me telling me I want beautiful, brainless and too young to understand the world. We went round and round for days over it and finally I’ve found it easier to avoid him. Now I’m trying to date women closer to my age, but there’s zero excitement there. They’re either refined and uptight or loose and trashy. Either of those options are fine for friendships and acquaintances, but not when it comes time for relationships or sex. I’m too young to be bored between the sheets and don’t need an STD test after every encounter.

The last woman I brought home that was closer to my age, prior to Valerie, wouldn’t let me leave the lights on during sex. Really? Part of the fun in sex is seeing what kind of reaction you can draw from your partner. It was frustrating and awkward. She said the word no a lot more in bed than the younger ladies I usually sleep with. The only exception to this was Valerie, but like I keep reminding myself, she’s off-limits. She’s not the kind of woman you use for a booty call and she’s had enough heartache this last year, she doesn’t need more. Fucking her against the wall right inside her doorway may have been hot as hell, but it wasn’t worth the guilt I felt when I walked away.

Do I like having women around that I can’t have an intelligent, serious conversation with? Not particularly. But life is made up of more than conversation, and after my time in the military and fighting cancer, I’ve had enough serious to last me a lifetime. Roasting your ass off in the sandy hell they call the Middle East isn’t anyone’s idea of fun, nor is surgery and two years’ worth of chemo. As I said before, I’m done with the serious and enjoying the fun.

I wasn’t always like this. At one time I wanted a wife and kids, but that all changed six months before I discharged from the Marines. I started experiencing some messed-up stuff so I went to the VA several times before they took it seriously and ran some tests. It seemed to take forever to receive the results and by the time it was all over I was diagnosed with stage three colon cancer. I was stationed in Camp Pendleton and because I was so close to discharge by that time, they allowed me to do my treatment back here at home. It was surgery and two years of chemo hell, but I’ve been in remission about two years and praying for it to last at least a little longer.

I met a guy named Jimbo McCann while in treatment. He was getting support from an organization called Vets Coping Together, whose mission is to help soldiers, sailors, and their loved ones cope with service-related injuries, illnesses, and death. After I recovered and Jimbo didn’t, I decided to volunteer my time with them in an effort to honor his memory.

My sole focus with this charity is helping loved ones who have suffered a loss. I’ve been working with one family primarily. Nancy’s husband died in an ambush in Afghanistan, leaving her to raise her eight-year-old son, Eddie, alone.

Today I’m meeting Nancy and Eddie here at the gym facility to play basketball. Nancy has some things to do and Eddie needs some one-on-one time. I’ve been friends with this family for the last nine months. They got involved with VCT a couple of months after Nancy’s husband was killed and I was available when they showed up the first time.

Sometimes I help Nancy with odd jobs around the house or follow up with the mechanic to make sure he’s not price-gouging her for unnecessary things. A few months ago, Eddie’s school had a take-your-dad-to-school event that consisted of dads spending the day with their kid at school and ended with a career fair. Nancy called the VCT office hysterical about it, saying that Eddie was having a hard time with this and she didn’t know what to do. Joyce, the office manager, pulled me aside and asked if I’d take the day off work and accompany him. She thought some of the other volunteers would balk at that or the ones that were available were too old and would make Eddie feel worse. I agreed and when the day came I showed up at their house at 7:30 to take him. I’ve never seen a kid light up like he did when he realized why I was there.

Eddie and I had a blast that day and we’ve shared a little something special ever since. Although the anniversary of his father’s death is coming up, I think he’ll be okay through it. Nancy might be a different story considering she hasn’t quite moved on yet though.

We’re an hour into playing one-on-one and in serious need of a drink so we retreat to the break room to grab the bottles of Gatorade I have chilling in the fridge. As we’re cutting through the office I notice Valerie bent over a stack of papers. In jeans and a long-sleeve T-shirt, she looks damn good. Her eyebrows are pulled together like she’s concentrating hard on something and she doesn’t notice us. I can’t help myself, the urge is too great, so I hold up my finger to my lips, indicating for Eddie to be quiet. Then I tiptoe up behind her and poke her in both sides of her rib cage, just enough to startle and tickle her.

“Oh my God!” she shrieks and jumps several feet into the air. Eddie and I die laughing. Neither of us can catch our breath we’re laughing so hard. It shouldn’t be that funny but it is. Now that she’s figured out what happened she’s scowling at us with a hand on her hip, making me laugh even harder.

“Javier, you’re such a child. You should never scare a lady like that.”

“I couldn’t help myself. You looked far too serious for the task at hand. Do you need help?”

“No, I don’t need help. I’ve got it. I’m missing an application and I need to find it. I’ll check Joyce’s desk and see if it’s there. So, who’s your friend?” She waves a hand at Eddie who smiles at her, his sweaty blond hair matted to his forehead and neck.

“This is Eddie. We’re playing basketball today. Want to play?”

Her eyebrow rises as she glances down at the cute little dress shoes on her feet.

“Okay, so no fun for you. What are you doing here?”

“I started a few months ago. I’m surprised you don’t have that on your dossier of me.”

“I only followed you in the beginning to make sure he didn’t have someone following you. I stopped watching you a while ago. Speaking of which, when did your custody and divorce hearing get rescheduled for?”

“A month from tomorrow; he asked for more time.”

“Well, let me know if you need anything before then.”

“I will, but I think it’ll be okay. Ron’s not as smug since we uncovered Sheila’s secret. In fact, he’s been coming around more often.”

“I bet he has. By the way, I love the new hairstyle. Looks really good on you.”

“Thanks, it was about time I came into the 21^st century.”

“You were beautiful before, this just enhances it. I’ll talk to you again soon. We need to get back to the court. I have some kid-butt to kick.” Eddie smiles at her and waves before he bounds past me into the break room.

“Bye guys,” she says, and I wink and walk away.

* * *

A week later I’m walking down the hall of the VA hospital, following my PET scan, moving past the cafeteria when I see Valerie in her normal clothes, not scrubs, playing cards with an older man in a wheelchair. Her laughter carries through the cafeteria and out the doors as he appears to scold her while she cackles at him. I stop, mesmerized by the sight of her.

Watching her now, I’m reminded of why I’ve been attracted to her since the moment I laid eyes on her. It’s why I took her home with me from the bar that night and it’s why I got so irritated when Ricardo was hitting on her and when she was dancing with Victor at my parents’ house. I don’t even want to think about the fury that consumed me when I saw them together at the Spanish American Club.

The truth is, she and Victor made a nice couple and would probably both be happy, but as I stand here watching her like some kind of freaky stalker, I can honestly say I don’t want to see her happy with anyone else and I knew by going to her house that night I was staking my claim on her in a fucked-up way. She deserves someone better than Victor, who I know still loves his wife, and better than me, who won’t drag a woman into the cancer hell I’m probably about to reenter.

I should probably say hello but I’m afraid she’ll ask why I’m here and I don’t want her to know yet.

* * *

Another week goes by and I decide that I’m going by Hector’s before I meet with the oncologist to review the results of my scan. Every time I get one I’m nervous. The cancer battle is one I never want to have to fight again. This time though I have a feeling that my hiding time is up. I haven’t told my friends or family my concerns because their stress compounds mine and I dread having those conversations again. The scans have been clear for the last two years and I was feeling good. Plenty of energy, healthy appetite, sleeping well, all the markers of good health for me. During the middle of Valerie’s case though, I noticed a change in my appetite and energy level. It was subtle but I’m hyperaware so I noticed; I just tried to pass it off as just doing too much. Then the symptoms got worse. When it became clear that I couldn’t ignore it anymore I made the appointment.

Before I have to face reality in a nasty way, I want to enjoy the afternoon with a good meal in a place I love. Ricky is standing at the door today, which must mean that Pedro is busy. I swear he’s always standing here when I come in. We exchange a complicated bro handshake and he leads me to my normal booth. Before we reach it, I catch sight of Pedro at a table behind mine, laughing and talking to the occupant. That kid is the best flirt in the family and it makes me laugh to watch him work his charm on the ladies.

Ricky calls out, “Pedro! Javie’s here.”

Pedro turns around, a bright smile on his face and it’s then that I catch sight of Valerie sitting in the booth, relaxed as she can be. Damn, she’s beautiful. I tip my chin at her in greeting and she grins. “Hey, Valerie. Hi, Pedro.”

“Join me? Unless you’re meeting someone,” Valerie says.

“No, not meeting anyone, but I don’t want to crash your meal.”

“I’m here alone, except for when Pedro comes over to charm my socks off; I’d love the company.”

The only way to improve upon a meal at Hector’s is with a beautiful lunch date. “Sure, I’d love to.”

“You’re making this too easy,” Pedro declares. “My two most loyal customers are sharing a table.” I can’t hide my shock. I thought she liked the food here, but to be one of his most loyal customers you have to be here pretty often.

“You come here a lot now?”

She looks a little embarrassed before she answers. “A couple of times a week since our first visit. I love Mexican food and this is the best in town.”

“Yes, it is.”

We spend lunch talking and laughing and it dawns on me how much I enjoy hanging out with her. It’s so nice that I forget for a little while that I’m about to face the oncologist and get what I’m certain is life-changing news.

When lunch ends I kiss her cheek like I always do, probably lingering a little longer than I should, and say goodbye. I rarely let myself wonder what my life would be like if I never got the big C in the first place, but after a nice lunch with a beautiful woman… I do today.

There could have been a wedding where an amazing woman who was prepared to put up with my smart-ass ways for the rest of her life would walk down the aisle to me. There could’ve been a house full of kids because I couldn’t keep my hands off of her. And there could’ve been some kind of mutt chewing up the furniture who I can’t spank because it makes the kids cry.

There are so many things my life could’ve been that I wanted in the worst way, but when the doctor said stage three and that the chance of recurrence in less than 5 years is over 50 percent, there was no way I was going to drag a wife and kids into my life. Those kinds of odds aren’t fair when you’re talking about other people’s feelings.

Now I’m off to face the doc and find out what comes next, even though I’d rather have a root canal.