Cole

 

Throughout dinner, all I could think about was how close Joie’s seat was to mine. Suddenly, I didn’t fit in the chair I’d sat in all my life. Between dinner last night and dinner tonight, I’d grown too big for it, because all I could feel was Joie. Her arm brushing against mine. The warmth from her leg permeating the air under the table between us. Even her hair kept flying about, touching my shoulder. I wanted to push her chair away from me. I wanted to pull her into my lap. What was I going to do?

I thought back to that summer, the summer I was dying to kiss Joie and make her my girlfriend. It felt a lot like this dinner. The awareness. The tension. Only back then, I think Joie felt it too. Now? Not so much. In fact, she looked cool as a cucumber, sitting beside me, crowding my space. Talking to my parents like she hadn’t been avoiding everything to do with us for the last three years.

“So, Cole tells us you’ve written a play for the school,” my dad dangled the carrot, knowing Joie would want to talk about it.

I felt her smile like a tangible thing.

“Yeah, we started auditions tonight.” Joie took a bite of food and shifted her leg, again. Without thinking, I reached under the table and rested my hand on her knee, stilling her movements. She jerked her leg out of my grasp and turned her knees away from the middle of the table.

Thank you.

“How come Cole didn’t have to audition,” Macy asked.

Joie squirmed uncomfortably. “Um, well, I wrote the part for him. I always knew he would get it as long as he agreed to do it.”

Huh.

Even though I already knew that, it was weird to hear her say it again. It was crazy to think she’d been taking the time to write a part for me in her play over the last however many months. Probably thinking about me and I didn’t even know it- I thought she never thought about me. Ever.

“How do you know he’ll be any good,” my dad asked, winking at me.

“Jeez, thanks, dad.”

“You remember those camps we went to, right? Over the summer,” Joie asked.

Uh-oh. Dang. Was she really going to bring that up? That was embarrassing. I kicked her leg under the table.

Without otherwise acknowledging me, Joie swatted my shoulder.

Fine.

That’s how it was going to be.

“Oh, yeah. I had forgotten about that,” Mom answered, ignoring the acts of violence taking place beside her at the table.

I kicked Joie again. This time she turned to me, eyes blazing. Geez, she was beautiful. I wanted to rip her glasses off her face kiss her right there in front of my parents. Joie dead legged me in my thigh.

I coughed to cover my surprise.

That hurt.

“Cole, knock it off at the dinner table.”

“What about her, dad?” I know, right? What was this, sixth grade?

“I didn’t see anything,” Macy smiled all innocently.

“What about those camps, Jo-Jo,” dad asked, purposefully oblivious.

“Yeah, Jo, what about those camps,” Macy asked.  I contemplated killing my sister later, after she did the dishes.

“Well, we always had to do these skits, you know?”

Everyone nodded. I slunk down further in my chair, wishing I was wearing my baseball cap so I could pull it over my eyes. She was doing this. She was really doing this.

“So, Cole was like the master. I would write them and then he would get all the players in place, so we could practice and then perform them. We were always the last ones to go on after the first time and they even started scheduling in extra times for us to perform because everyone loved them so much.”

“Joie wrote some amazing stuff at those camps.” I wanted to get the focus off me. The only reason those skits were so popular was because Joie was so creative and wrote such hilarious stuff. It was easy to perform them. And fun.

“They were alright, but Cole was a star. It was like instant celebrity status. He had everyone eating out of the palm of his hand.”

I buried my face in my hands. “Good grief, woman. I have a reputation to protect.” I was an athlete! Not some pussy actor.

“See? He’s so dramatic.” Joie waved her hands in my direction.

“Cole, if you are so embarrassed about these camp skits, why in the world did you agree to be in Joie’s play,” my mom asked.

I felt all their eyes on me. How to answer? How to answer? I looked to my dad through the fingers still covering my face. His expression was one of sorrow and a trace of pity. He knew how crushed I’d been after Joie. I’m also sure he knew I was doing Joie’s play because of Joie. Just Joie.

I didn’t have to worry, though, because Joie answered for me. “He owed me.”

I snorted. I couldn’t help it. Mom glanced at me with a raised brow. I shrugged. “Sure. Let’s go with that.”

Joie spun to face me. “What does that mean?”

“It doesn’t mean anything. You done?” I gestured to her empty plate, feeling bad because the playful mood that had existed all through dinner had evaporated just like that.

“Sure.” The mask was back on. Joie was a master at hiding her feelings, even from me. And the wall was sometimes so high I wondered why I even bothered. And I hadn’t bothered for a long time. In fact, I was just barely feeling human again after the last time she broke my heart. What was I doing with her here in my house, with my family? Letting her back in was a mistake. And that blank look on her face was a good reminder why.

Standing, I took my plate and hers from the table to the sink in the kitchen. Flipping on the faucet, I rinsed and washed them. It was Macy’s night to wash pots and pans, but everyone was responsible for their own plates and utensils. I heard Joie thank mom for dinner before she came up behind me with our glasses.

“I can help,” she offered. But I didn’t want her help.

“I got it.” I took the glasses and washed them quickly, setting them in the drainer to dry.

Once the dishes were done, I made my way to the front door. Of course, Joie followed me. Grabbing both of our bags, I headed up the stairs to my room. “Mom! We’ll be in my room doing homework.”

“Ok, honey.”

I glanced at Joie, daring her to contradict me. She didn’t. In my room, I tossed our bags on the floor and shut the door behind me. Joie stood awkwardly in the center of the room. Leaving the light off, I pulled the curtain away from my window. Her house was still like up like a Christmas tree.

“You gonna tell me what’s going on now?” I let the curtain drop and turned on the lamp on my desk. The room filled with the warm light as I faced her.

“What are you talking about?” She picked up her bag and removed a thick textbook.

“Really?”

“You told your mom we were going to do homework.” She avoided my gaze, instead flipping open her Math book.

No.

I yanked the book from her grasp and tossed it on my bed. She was going to talk to me. “I know you hate me now, or whatever, but Jo, I can’t do this. I can’t not know that you are okay. What is going on? Why are you so scared?”

“I’m fine, Cole.” It wasn’t the truth and we both knew it. “I don’t hate you.”

I scoffed, shaking my head in disgust. “Right. That’s why you dropped me like a baby on its head three years ago. Because you don’t hate me.” And it hurt. Oh, man did it hurt. For weeks, months, I replayed everything that had happened between us, especially the last couple of months. We were happy. We were perfect. Except for her dad. Always, it was back to that guy. But when it was just us, just Joie and me? It was amazing. I couldn’t think what I had done to turn her away from me. I didn’t know why, and it was killing me. I thought I was okay, but seeing her, talking to her, eating dinner at my house! I wasn’t okay. I was dying. I was going to straight up die without her.

Joie looked stricken.

Good.

In fact, what was I thinking? Why in the world would I want to open myself up to this girl? So, she could rip my heart out again? Yeah. No thanks.

Raking my hands through my hair, I pulled until it hurt. I needed to remember the pain. But something was wrong. There was something awful going on at her house again. And it was bad enough she willingly accepted my help for the first time in forever. What did that mean?

And so, I asked again. “What is going on with your mom, Jo?”

 

Joie

 

I couldn’t do it anymore. He was breaking my defenses. I collapsed to the floor. Cole was there in a split second, his arms around me before I even settled my full weight on the plush carpet.

“Joie. Please. Just tell me so I can help you,” he murmured against my hair.

Then that scrapbook started up again. That one with all the memories. But this one was complete with noise and smells and touch.

 

Cole had been pestering me all morning. It was the first week of summer break and he wanted to go down to the creek and swim. I don’t love swimming, so I liked to wait until it was so hot I couldn’t stand it, then get in the freezing water. Cole doesn’t get this thought process. He was always hot, and swimming was his favorite. He wanted to go every day, all day.

Gosh, he smelled good. Inhaling deeply, I hoped he would think I was just irritated with him and taking a deep breath to deal with my frustration. I wasn’t. I wanted to just inhale Cole all day. He smelled amazing. Laying in the grass beside me with just his swim trunks on, it was all I could do to not jump him then and there. But we weren’t like that, were we? We were just friends. Best friends, but that was it, right?

Sometimes I wondered. Sometimes Cole would get this look on his face and I recognized it. It was the look I knew I got sometimes when I looked at him, right before I had to talk myself out of jumping him. I’ve really been working on hiding that face lately. Especially since skinny Cole started turning into ripped Cole. Those hours at open gym were worth the separation from him.

I had two more pages and it was a good thing. Cole’s friends, Mason and Brent, had been here earlier while I was changing into my suit and wanted Cole to go play ball, but he’d decided to hang out with me. I felt bad about him missing out on his other friends, but I was just selfish enough to want him to myself. I wondered how much longer Cole would want to be my best friend. He’d been the star of our middle school football and basketball teams. His natural grace and athleticism really shined this last year. I knew he was excited for our freshman year and the opportunity to play in high school.

It made my heart hurt. As much as I knew Cole loved me, I didn’t think things would be the same next year. Cole was destined to be a superstar. He laughed it off when I told him what I thought, but I knew he would soon be the most popular guy in school. Soon, he would have girls following him everywhere he went. In fact, it had already started last year.

I, on the other hand, was not destined for popularity. I’d just gotten contacts, but the girl with the thick glasses was still in here. I was shy, and I didn’t like to dress to gain attention. I was fine with a t-shirt, jeans, and Chucks. I didn’t need heels and mini-skirts and plunging necklines. But I did need Cole. I was beginning to realize, though, he didn’t need me. I was forever riding his coattails. He didn’t mind. And truly, I didn’t either. But how long could that last?

I snapped my book closed and before I knew it Cole and I were on our way to the creek. Cole rode his bike with a bag slung across his chest, filled with water and snacks. The wind felt good against my sweaty skin and I could almost imagine this was how things would always be.

“Race ya,” Cole shouted over his shoulder, his mouth curved in a huge grin.

“You can’t beat me, Parker!” I pedaled faster, knowing there was no way I could ever beat Cole in any kind of physical contest, but it was fun to try.

Cole didn’t even pause when we got to the creek, just launched himself off his bike and into the water, barely remembering in time to remove the bag with our snacks.

“Wahoo! Jo, it’s so cold. It feels amazing.”

I giggled watching him splash and play in the water. I followed at a more cautious pace. I wasn’t one to jump into freezing water. I liked, well actually hated, to dip my body in one inch at a time. Making my way to the edge of the creek, I pulled off the jean shorts I’d been wearing over my suit. I really liked my suit. If there was one thing my parents did right, it was make sure I had all the clothes and things I could ever want. Mom had taken me last week to pick out a new swimsuit since mine from last year was too small and threadbare. This one was a pretty aqua color with bikini bottoms and a halter top that stopped just above my belly button. I felt super self-conscious in it since it was my first two-piece, but I knew it looked good.

“Jeez, Jo.” Alarmed, I glanced up just in time to see Cole making his way to me. He had this funny look in his eye. I imagined it was the look a deer or other animal saw in the eyes of the hunter who was about to kill it. Determined. Hungry.

Cole didn’t stop when he reached me. He caught me in his arms and without warning, his lips were on mine. Shocked, I didn’t know what to do. It was my first kiss and it wasn’t like he’d eased into it. But then, I felt Cole’s strong arms, cold from the creek water. I felt his chest pressed against mine. And my mind caught on to the fact that this was Cole, my best friend. My confidant. My protector.

Cole’s lips moved over mine with a passion I never expected. We were only fourteen, for goodness sake! Before I knew it, my lips moved with his, meeting him pass for pass. His lips curved against mine as he smiled. He pulled back.

“Man, I’ve been wanting to do that forever.” His eyes sparkled, and his grin was as big as I’d ever seen it.

“You have?” I was still trying to catch up. And dangit, I wanted him to kiss me again.

Cole reached out, brushing my hair back from my cheek. “Oh, yeah. A long, long time.”

“Really?”

Cole laughed, hugging me to him. “Is it so hard to believe, Jo?”

“No. Yes. I don’t know.” Pulling back from him a bit, I took a chance and looked into his eyes. He looked...happy. Really happy.

Cole laughed again, sweeping me against his chest. “I guess I have some convincing to do.” And then he picked me up and tossed me into the creek.

Two hours later, after splashing, kissing, holding hands, kissing some more, and dunking each other in the water, we sat on the grass in the sun to dry off. Cole’s hand enveloped mine between us.

“Is this okay?” He glanced at our hands, his eyes looking a little guarded.

“It’s a little late to be asking isn’t it? After you practically mauled me earlier.” He deserved a little teasing.

Worried, he sat up, pulling me with him. “I mean it, Jo. I guess I should have said something first, but dang. You just looked so cute in your swimsuit and I’ve been wanting to for so long-” he sighed, his hand reaching up for the back of his neck. “I’m asking now.”

My breath caught as I considered what he was saying. “What are you asking? Exactly.”

Cole sighed and jumped up. He began pacing in front of me. Feeling awkward, I got up too.

“Joie, I know we’ve been best friends forever. And I know this changes things. I’ve been so scared, thinking that maybe you wouldn’t want to, you know.” And I swear, his cheeks turned red. Taking a deep breath, he forged on. “But, I had to tell you. I love you, Jo. And I want this.” He waved his hands between us.

Overwhelmed, I just stared at him. Was he saying what I thought he was saying? “Are you- Do you mean-” I clamped my lips shut.

Cole grinned. He placed his hands on my shoulders and for the tenth time that day, leaned in so slow my eyes crossed trying to keep watching him until our lips touched. This kiss was different. It was slow and sweet and made me think of fairy tales and Prince Charming. After a breathless moment, Cole pulled his lips from mine. I was boneless, thankful he’d put his arms around me.

“I think you need to be my girlfriend, Jo.”

This made me laugh. “I need to.”

Cole nodded, all seriousness. “Yes. Need. Like air. Like basketball.”

I giggled again. Cole and his sports.

“Please, Jo.”

I wanted to say something. I did. But I couldn’t. The lump in my throat was too much. So, I did the next best thing. I leaned forward and pressed my lips to his.

Cole didn’t seem to mind.

 

“Cole, don’t do this,” I begged, my hands somewhere between pushing him away and pulling him closer. I didn’t want him so close. He was getting past my defenses and it was going to kill me. Back in his room, without his amazing family to buffer things, I was thrust back to reality. The Parker’s. Cole. They were not my reality anymore. My reality was locked doors. Dehydrated soup for dinner. And my play. Finishing my play.