Joie

 

He’d asked me before. So many times, he’s asked me. The last time, that night in his parent’s basement. I couldn’t answer then. I was still in the thick of all the emotions from everything. My mom. My dad. Davis. It was too much. I didn’t want to talk about it now, but I knew I needed to. For my sake. And for Cole’s.

So, I spilled my guts.

I told him about my mom. About finding her drunk in our living room crying about how afraid she was of being alone. How disgusted I was with her. How disenchanted. That I’d blamed all our sorrow on my dad when the reality was, they were both sick. I told him how angry I became. How determined to never be like her. I told him how dependent I was then. On him.

“That’s not true, Jo.”

I knew he would say that.

“It was true, Cole. I needed you for everything. You protected me from so much. And I was scared. So scared that I was like her. That I would need you the way she needed him, and I was sick about it.” I drew in a shuddering breath. I was so hard to talk about this. I didn’t want to hurt him. But I could tell from the deafening silence on the other end of the phone, I had.

“You are not like her.”

See? He was always looking out for me. Now, I could appreciate it for what it was- love. Cole cared about me. He loved me. Maybe he wasn’t in love with me, but I knew he loved me.

“I know that now, but I didn’t then. I didn’t for a long time. Asking you to be in my play was the hardest thing I’d ever done.”

“What? Why? You know I would do anything you needed me to do.”

He still didn’t get it.

“Because I needed you! And I didn’t want to. At all. And then you were there every time I turned around, saving me from some crisis or another. And kissing me. And then Davis-” I broke off there. I didn’t really want to talk about that.

“I wish I could get my hands around that guys neck one more time.”

Cole had almost killed Davis the first time, no need to tempt fate with a second encounter, for all our sakes.

“Cole-”

“I’m serious. I’m shaking right now I’m so mad about that. And you-” Cole’s voice cracked, and he had to clear his throat before continuing. “And you. I’ll never forgive myself for letting that happen to you.”

“That’s what I’m talking about, Cole. It wasn’t your job to protect me.” It was why I had to let go back then.

“Then whose was it, Jo? I knew something was wrong. I knew it that day you jumped out your window. I never wanted to let you go back in that house ever again.”

I heard the anger in his voice. “I know.”

We didn’t talk for a while. Each of us thinking about what had been said.

“I’m sorry, Jo. I’m sorry you had to deal with any of that stuff. I guess I can understand how you felt you had to deal with your fears, but what about later? How did you not understand how I felt about you?”

Felt. Past-tense. Maybe Cole didn’t love me anymore. It wasn’t anything I didn’t deserve after pushing him away so many times. But it still hurt. I still wanted him. “Please.” Working to hold back my tears, I held the phone away from me until I regained some composure.

“Please, Cole, never be sorry. You saved me. So many times, it was you who saved me. You saved me from being alone. You kept me safe at your house. You were in my play. You. You were my best friend.” My last word came out on a sob. I couldn’t hold it in.

“Shit. Jo, you can’t cry when I can’t hold you.”  

“I miss you, Cole.”

And because, I was a wimp and a chicken, I hung up. And powered off my phone.

 

Cole

 

After she disconnected the call, I laid there staring at my ceiling for what seemed like hours. I wanted to call her back but knowing Joie she powered off her phone. There would be time enough for all of that later. Now, I needed to process what she told me and plan what to do next.

So much of what we talked about, what was said and not said, filled in the empty pieces of the puzzle that was Joie Warner. I spent hours that night thinking about Joie’s mom and dad and the things Joie had been through. I tried to put myself in her place, to understand what I would have done to cope with the trauma of two mentally unstable parents who’d done nothing but hurt me.

And I couldn’t hold anything against her. In fact, I was in awe of her. I pretty much always had been but realizing the lengths to which she’d gone to protect herself and her heart, I was floored. I was also more determined than ever.