Joie

 

Eric’s house was a lot like Cole’s- not as familiar- but just as warm and welcoming. Eric’s mom stayed at home and whenever I went over, she had some kind of homemade snack waiting on the counter for Eric and his siblings after school. Mrs. Hayes accepted my presence as her duty, but she never failed to follow me with her eyes, which burned with a curiosity I never felt the need to satisfy.

“We’re gonna go down to the basement, mom,” Eric called over his shoulder around the mouthful of a hazelnut spread and peanut butter rollup. Secretly, these were my favorite of Mrs. Hayes’s snacks and I now kept a steady supply of tortillas, peanut butter, and Nutella in my room. Yum.

Mrs. Hayes waved over her shoulder at us as she helped Eric’s younger sister, Marcy, clean up some spilled juice on the floor in the kitchen. Feeling awkward and unwanted, I followed Eric down the stairs, thankful for the opportunity to escape the scrutiny of his family.

“The movie doesn’t start until six-thirty. Want to play a video game?” Eric eyed me hopefully. Video games weren’t my favorite, but I usually gave in since gaming was life as far as Eric was concerned.

“Sure.”

“Sweet. I have this new game I want to try out. I’ve only played it once or twice, so I shouldn’t be able to beat you super easily.” He handed me a controller, a cocky smirk twisting his mouth.

“Ha. Ha.” I took the controller and curled myself in the corner of the L-shaped couch positioned in front of a huge flat screen television. We had a nice television at my house, too, but I was never out of my room long enough to enjoy it. Instead, I watched everything on subscription accounts on my tablet.

Eric set up the game and plopped down next to me. Not too close, but closer than he usually did. A nervous shiver crept up my spine. It wasn’t that I didn’t like Eric. I did. But not like that. Not after Cole. Closing my eyes, I tried to push the memories away. It was ironic, honestly. Sometimes, sitting by myself in school cafeteria, watching Cole surrounded by beautiful, popular girls, the loneliness threatened to crush me. I wondered what those girls would think if they knew the truth, that I had been Cole’s first kiss. And he had been mine.  

But all that had ruined me. In three years, I’ve never felt attracted to another guy. Not. One. Except Cole. I closed my eyes. Breathe in. Breathe out.

Eric was too close.

“I’m going to kick your butt,” Eric pronounced. His eyes glittered gleefully.

I felt terrible. “Not if I kick yours first.”

 

“I know, I know, you let me win,” I teased him two hours later. Eric looked utterly crestfallen.

“You know I did,” he replied with a sardonic smile. “I can’t believe how quick you picked that up. You never get it like that.” He shook his head.

Shrugging, I set the controller on the arm of the couch. “I know, right. I liked the story line for this one, though. Maybe that was the difference.” That was probably it. Eric tended to enjoy war games like Call of Duty and Ghost Recon, whereas I liked games with detailed story lines like Destiny and Assassin’s Creed.

Stretching, I lifted my hands above my head and twisted my back muscles. Glancing down, I noticed Eric eying my abdomen where my shirt had hiked up. Blushing, I dropped my arms, quickly tugging the fabric back down.

Ugh.

Self-conscious, I removed my glasses and rubbed at the spot where they rested on the bridge of my nose.

“What?”

Eric’s brows furrowed in the center of his forehead. “How come you don’t wear contacts?”

Frowning, I replaced my glasses. “I don’t know.” That was a lie. I knew exactly why I didn’t wear contacts. It was silly. And it was Cole’s fault. “Why?”

Eric’s eyes softened. He leaned closer. “You’re just so pretty without them.” And then, as though realizing what he just said, “I mean, your pretty with them, too, like cute pretty. But without them,” he paused for effect, whistling low. “Without them, you’re beautiful.”

Wow. “Thanks, Eric. That’s really sweet.” I cleared my throat and the sound woke him from the awkward trance that made him look like he wanted to kiss me. He sat back on the couch, his fingers fiddling with the hem of his shirt.

“Yeah.” He nodded, not meeting my gaze.

I sighed. I should never have agreed to this. Things have been weird and now it’s worse. I made a show of looking at the time on my cell phone. “Hey, we should get going if we want to get popcorn and treats before the movie starts.”

“Yeah,” he said again, sighing as he pushed himself up from the couch. He held his hand out and I grasped it, wishing with all my heart I felt something- a spark, a tingle, anything- when he touched me. But I didn’t.

“I can’t wait to see the movie. Thanks for thinking of it, Eric.” I gave his hand a squeeze before releasing it.

“Always.” And the sad thing was, I knew he meant it.

 

“Was it everything you hoped it would be?” Eric asked as we walked out of the movie theater.

“It was so good.” I loved going to the movies. I loved the escape it provided. For two hours, I could get swept away in another world, another life. It was an amazing kind of therapy.

Eric smiled and threw his arm across my shoulder. “How about a shake?”

I felt that pit in my stomach again, the one that begged me to ask Eric to take me home but conflicted with the intense desire to avoid home.

“Sure. Where?”

“Pam’s,” Eric suggested.

I shrugged. I didn’t go out much. It didn’t matter to me one way or the other. “Sounds good to me.”

Eric opened the door for me and I slid into the passenger seat. It was cold, and I wished we could have started up his car before having to get into it. February in northern Indiana was no joke.

“It should warm up fast.” Eric started the car and turned up the blowers. The drive to Pam’s didn’t take long, but Eric was right, by the time we got there his car was toasty and I was tempted to tell him to forget it and just take me home. Before I could voice my thoughts, Eric had pulled into a spot and was turning the car off. “Ready?”

“Yeah,” I replied, forcing a smile. Eric hopped out and jogged to my side of the car and opened the door. “Thanks.”

He just nodded and guided me toward the entrance with a hand at the small of my back. Panic bubbled in my throat. This was feeling more and more like a date.

Once inside, Eric snaked through the tables until he reached a booth at the back. Pam’s was busy, but mostly people were lined up for takeout orders. A few tables were filled with families and couples and even a few kids I recognized from school. Eric and I were social pariah’s, so we were largely ignored.

“I think I want chocolate. How about you,” Eric asked from behind a large laminated menu. Pam’s was famous for shakes and sundaes of every flavor imaginable. Eric was being a little lame with his choice of chocolate. As for me I was being tantalized with flavors like Midnight Mocha and Raspberry Truffle.

“Hmm. I’m not sure. There are just too many to choose from.” And there were. I was overwhelmed just looking at the list.

“You should go with the Coffee Pecan,” a soft voice said over my shoulder.

“Cole?” What was he doing here?

Grinning, Cole edged around until he was standing in the empty table space between Eric and me.

“Joie.” Cole glanced at Eric and did that chin lift thing guys do when the greet each other. “Hayes.”

Eric’s eyes widened, likely shocked that Cole knew his name. But of course, Cole did, because of me.

“Hey, Parker. I mean, Cole,” Eric stuttered, his face flaming red.

Cole’s lip quirked a bit and he winked in my direction. I rolled my eyes and Cole’s grin grew.

“What are you guys up to tonight?” Cole rested his knuckles on the table, leaning over a little.

“We saw a movie at the Rialto,” I answered, keeping my eyes trained on the menu in front of me so I couldn’t see his reaction. The Rialto used to be our thing. Cole’s knuckles whitened out of the corner of my eye.

“Oh, yeah. That’s too bad. You missed an awesome game.” He was going for casual, but I heard the hardness in his voice.

Eric barked out a laugh, surprising me. “Basketball? Joie doesn’t like basketball.”

“Hmm.” There was no mistaking the anger in that one grunt. “Really, seems to me, I remember-”

“Awesome? Does that mean you won?” I interrupted, shooting Cole a warning glance. I’d given up sports the same time I’d given up Cole. He glared at me for a moment before answering.

“Yeah, we get a week off and then State.” Cole took a deep breath. “You gonna come watch, Jo, for old times’ sake?” His voice dropped to almost a whisper. Surprised by the question, I glanced between Cole and Eric. The difference between the two was marked, especially under the circumstances. Eric appeared uneasy, taken off guard. The exact way you would expect an intelligent, yet socially unaware, nerd to react in the face of the school’s hottest jock. Cole, on the other hand, just seemed angry, the muscle in his jaw clenching and unclenching.

“You don’t need me, Cole.” The doors to Pam’s burst open with a blast of freezing air and the increased volume associated with a teenage crowd. “You have your fan club.”

Cole rose to his full height, a scowl on his handsome face. “Keep telling yourself that.” And then he was gone, immediately sucked into the cluster of basketball players, cheerleaders, and fans. Watching for a moment, I gave into the feelings of longing. The truth was, I missed Cole. Before three years ago, I hadn’t missed a single game of his. I’d been his biggest fan. When we were little, Cole and I had this signal. It all started one day because I’d gotten in trouble with my dad and then he’d started in on my mom.  I ran from the house, just wanting to hide from all the yelling and screaming and whatever else.

As usual, Cole found me. He always did. Kneeling in the grass, Cole wrapped me in his skinny little boy arms. We could hear them through the open windows. I’d been so embarrassed, I pushed Cole away and yelled at him to go home and leave me alone. I still remembered the look of shock and hurt on his face at my outburst. But then, as though he really did understand how much I needed him, Cole’s face became fierce.

 

“No. I’m not leaving you.” Cole reached for my hand and squeezed, his face determined. I just wanted to die. “I will always be here for you, Jo.”

Flinching at the sound of breaking glass from inside my house, I tried to pull away from him again. “Don’t say that.” I didn’t want him making promises. Nobody kept their promises and I knew it would break my heart if Cole ever broke his. It was better to just not let him make it in the first place.

“I mean it. I love you.” Cole pounded his fist over his heart. “I will always be there, Jo. I will always love you.” And heaven help me if my little eight-year-old heart didn’t want to believe him.

 

After that, whenever I wavered, when my faith in Cole, in my parents, in everyone, dimmed, somehow Cole would know, and he’d pound his heart with his fist reminding me of his promise. We started doing it before every game he played in. As soon as he stepped on a field or court, Cole’s eyes would search for mine. Once he spotted me, he’d smile and raise his fist to his heart.

“What was that all about?” Eric’s voice ripped my gaze from Cole and my mind from my memories. Shaking my head to clear it, I focused on the confused gaze of my friend across the table from me.

“What do you mean?”

“You ready to order,” a perky waitress interrupted, pencil poised above a skinny notepad.

Eric glanced at me and I nodded. “Yeah, I want a large chocolate shake and she’ll have…”

“A coffee pecan sundae,” I filled in, mentally kicking myself for going with Cole’s suggestion, but it was exactly what I wanted. Cole still knew me too well.

Eric’s eyes narrowed. “And a large order of fries.”

The waitress wrote our order with a flourish before sweeping our menus under her arm. “Got it. I’ll put that right in.”

Forcing myself to look away from Cole where he sat with his arm around his girlfriend Brianna Huff, I turned my attention back to Eric.

“What,” I asked, defensively.

“First, you somehow convince Cole Parker to star in your school play and now, he comes over to our table and personally invites you to come watch him play basketball in the State Championship game. What’s going on, Joie?”

“I don’t know what you mean. There’s nothing going on. And Cole didn’t invite me to the game, he just asked if I was going.” I reached for the condiment caddy on the edge of the table and began sorting the sugar from the pink packets of artificial sweetener.

Eric covered my hands with one of his, stilling their progress with the packets. “Since when are you friends with Cole?”

Sighing, I pulled my hands from beneath Eric’s and replaced the caddy, idly wondering if I would be able to resist finishing the job I’d started. “I’m not friends with Cole.”

“What did he mean ‘for old time’s sake’? Do you guys have history or something?” Eric wasn’t going to let this go and I had to make a decision.

As much as Eric and I were friends, I hadn’t shared much with him about my past and next to nothing about my family. For whatever reason, he’d been more than willing to accept the fact that we never spent any time at my house and never pushed when I wouldn’t let him pick me up there. Even tonight, when he dropped me off after shakes, I knew I’d make him park at the end of my street and I’d walk the rest of the way.

Letting Cole back into my life, even if it was out of necessity, came with consequences. A person like me couldn’t just exchange a few words with a demi-god like Cole and not come under the scrutiny of just about everyone. Even the couple minutes Cole spent standing at the edge of our table had drawn curious looks from everyone who’d piled through the door of Pam’s before he’d had the chance to move away. I’d even felt the heat of Brianna’s spiteful gaze more than once, but that could just be because Cole kept glancing at me.

I cleared my throat and braced myself. “Cole and I were friends when we were kids. He lives across the street.”

“Really?” Eric glanced at Cole.

“Sorry about the wait,” Perky Waitress stated, placing our order on the table. “Can I get you anything else?”

Eric held my gaze. “No. I think we’re good. Thanks.” She whirled away without a word.

“It was a long time ago,” I rushed to reassure him, although I wasn’t sure why. I didn’t owe Eric an explanation about Cole. What was I even saying? Cole wasn’t even a part of my life anymore. I just needed him to help make my play a success, so I could go to USC and hopefully leave South Bend to never return again.

Lifting my spoon, I took a bite of the caramel colored sundae. “Humm. Oh, wow. This is so good,” I moaned. The flavor explosion had me savoring the mouthful on my tongue until the ice cream melted. I took another bite, closing my eyes as an embarrassing moan once again escaped my lips. “Yum.”

“Jeez, Jo. You better let me have a taste if it’s that good.”

My eyes popped open. “No way! It’s mine, all mine.” I scooted the plastic bowl closer, blocking his attempt to eat my treat with my forearm. And then as if lured by some force against my will, I looked over at Cole. His arm was draped across the back of Brianna’s chair, her shoulder tucked beneath his, but his eyes were on me. Steady and strong he watched, his eyes twinkling. His gaze flicked to the ice cream I protected in the circle of my arms and he grinned. Lifting my brow, I glowered at him. Cole laughed outright. Rolling my eyes, I stuck out my tongue at him, but I couldn’t stop the smile curving my lips. Cole was fun.

I turned back to Eric. Right. Eric. Clearing my throat, I reminded myself why I wasn’t close to Cole anymore. Trying to regain my equilibrium, I steered the conversation with Eric back toward safer topics. We discussed the movie we’d just seen, the video game we’d played earlier, and I made sure not to look in Cole’s direction for the next half hour.

When it was time to leave, I scooted out of the booth and slid my arms into my coat, not at all excited about going back out into the freezing night. But it was almost ten and it would be better for me to get home sooner rather than later.

“Aw, man!” Eric’s face drooped as he looked at his phone.

“What,” I asked.

“My mom wants me to pick up my little brother at his friend’s house on my way home,” he answered, his face twisted with annoyance.

“I can give you a ride home, Jo.” Cole appeared at my elbow from out of nowhere making me jump.

“No, that’s okay-” Eric started to say.

“Unless, this is a date. I wouldn’t want to, you know, butt in or anything.” Cole winked at me.

“Yeah,” Eric said at the same time I rushed to say:

“No, it’s not a date.”

Eric snapped his lips closed, looking betrayed. Great. I took a step toward Eric, creating distance between myself and Cole. What was he doing?

“But that’s okay, Cole. I can get a ride from Eric.”

“We live right by each other. And Eric, here, needs to get his brother. Right, man?” Cole did that thing again with his chin.

“Yeah, man,” Eric responded trying to imitate Cole’s cool chin move, but instead he just looked like he had a weird tick. “It’s cool, though. I can take her home.”

And suddenly, I was caught in a strange, alternate reality where Cole and Eric were engaged in some crazy alpha contest that was really no contest. Because there was no way Cole was ever going to be someone’s beta.

Cole reached for my hand, sending thrills of awareness up my elbow and shoulder. Dang him! “Seriously, dude. I know what’s it’s like playing the sibling chauffeur. I have to run around all the time and pick up my sister. I can take Jo home, so you can go get your kid brother. No problem.”

“Don’t I have a say in any of this?” I muttered under my breath.

Cole just smiled and winked. Jerk.

Poor Eric looked so conflicted. It did make sense for me to just go with Cole. Eric lived in the opposite direction from Pam’s and he still had to make a stop to get his brother. I put my hand on his sleeve.

“It’s okay, Eric. Cole’s right. I live right across the street. It’s silly when he’s going that direction anyway. Go get your brother and I’ll talk to you later.” What was I saying? I didn’t want to go with Cole. Riding in the tiny, enclosed space of his car?

“See, there you go. Come on, Jo. See ya later, Eric.” And then Cole was dragging me out of Pam’s.

“Cole. Stop. Let go of me!” I must have had just the right amount of panic in my voice, because Cole immediately dropped my hand, his eyes wide and apologetic.

“I’m sorry, Jo. I wasn’t thinking.”

I shrank away from the tenderness in his voice. “No worries. Let’s just go.” I stalked to the passenger side door of Cole’s Camaro, with my head down, my eyes trained on the snow packed pavement. Cole rushed to my side, opening the door before I could do it myself.

“Thanks.” I slid into the seat, instantly enveloped in the scent of him. Closing my eyes, I breathed deep.

“Buckle up.” Cole’s voice startled me. My cheeks flushed, knowing he’d caught me. I couldn’t have been any more obvious, sitting there inhaling deeply.

 

Cole

 

I breathed in the scent of coconut in the confines of my beat up sportscar. It was heady. Joie dragged the seatbelt buckle across her body and leaned over the center console a little to lock it into place, inching closer to my personal space. This was such a mistake. Why had I offered to take her home?

I could be parked on the hill making out with Brianna right now, but no, I blew her off (which I would pay for later) and made my way over to Joie instead. Just in time to hear that dipwad, Eric, say something about having to pick up his little brother. Chump.

Sighing, I scrubbed my palms over my face. That wasn’t fair. Eric was a nice guy. I didn’t know him well, but he couldn’t be that bad if he was friends with Joie. It just… It just rubbed me the wrong way tonight, seeing her walk into Pam’s with him.

I wasn’t jealous. No. I wasn’t. I was just looking out for an old friend. And that relief I felt when she denied that they were on a date? That was nothing, just residual protectiveness, right?

“I’m all set,” Joie said, looking at me expectantly.

“Right.” She still had the power to rattle me and it was annoying. I threw the car in reverse and backed out of the parking space. Eric still stood beside his vehicle, watching as we exited the parking lot, a forlorn expression of his face.

I feel ya, buddy.

I saluted with a two-finger wave and tried to ignore the big smile Joie offered him as we passed. Ugh. What was I doing? I still wasn’t over the pain of losing her three years ago, why was I opening myself up to that kind of hurt again? Why did she have to show up in my bedroom? Why did she have to show up every time I turned the corner at school? Then she shows up at Pam’s, what kind of joke was this? For three years, Joie has blended into the background of my life, living across the street, going to the same school, walking the same town. But it was like she wasn’t even there, like I somehow shut off the awareness of her. And it had been working just fine. That broken place in my heart- yeah, I just skirted right around it, pretended it wasn’t even there.

And then she shows up in my room and now I can’t stop thinking about her, seeing her, wondering about her. And that broken place? I stumbled across it about every other minute. The questions from three years ago plagued me. What had I done to make her hate me? Why didn’t she want anything to do with me anymore? It was like one day all was right in my world and the next, I was being shoved into this parallel universe, a nightmare I couldn’t wake up from. Where I knew Joie, where I knew how good it could be, but could never have her. And I didn’t know why.

“Are you ever going to tell me what happened?” The words were out before I even knew I’d thought them.

Joie fiddled with the zipper on her jacket. “What are you talking about?”

I slammed my fist on the steering wheel, making Joie jump. I wanted to feel bad about that but didn’t. “Don’t play games with me. I agreed to your stupid play. You owe me.”

We were in front of my house now. I pulled into my driveway. She could walk across the street. I didn’t turn off the engine yet, it was too cold.

“You agreed to the play because we promised.” Her voice was as cold as the air outside. She sounded nothing like my best friend. Nothing like the little girl I’d loved since I was five.

“I didn’t agree to the play because of some pact we made when we were ten, Joie,” I spat the words with all the anger and resentment I’d been harboring for the last three years.

“Fine. Whatever. You agreed. And that’s that. I don’t owe you any explanations about anything.” Her hand rested on the lever to open the door.

“So, it all meant nothing to you. I meant nothing to you.” It hurt more than it should have after all this time, but seeing her, talking to her, had somehow opened the floodgates of all the emotions I’d kept locked up for so long.

“You know that’s not true, Cole,” she whispered.

“I don’t know anything, because you won’t tell me.”

“I better go. Thanks for the ride.” She pulled the handle and the door creaked open.

“Go ahead, Jo. Run away. Escape. That’s what this is all about, right? USC. It’s so you can escape and not deal with it.” It was cruel, and I knew it, but I still couldn’t help it. She’d hurt me, and I had a sick desire to hurt her back.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” Her body hung, half in the car and half out, frozen.

“Don’t I?” I’d come this far.

“No, you don’t. So, don’t lecture me, Cole Parker, Mr. Perfect with the perfect family, perfect house, and perfect life!” She propelled the rest of her body out of my car and slammed the door shut with enough force to rattle my eardrums. Damn.

Turning off the engine, I watched in the rearview mirror as she skirted around the house to the backyard. The anger whooshed out of me just like that. Why didn’t she go in the front? Opening my car door, I slid out of the seat and leaned it forward to grab my gym bag out of the backseat, all with my eyes glued to her bedroom window, willing her light to flash on so I would know she made it inside.

I watched until my cheeks and nose were numb. Still no light.