Adley

I wasn't going to do it. I had no intention of pushing back on Crew that way until I started reading that damn novel I picked up from the bookshelf.

The main character was named Christy. That took me right back to that morning in the clinic when the beautiful tall black-haired woman had walked through the door with a puppy that had eaten its weight in mini bagels.

While I tended to her dog, she felt the need to explain why she wasn't at her place to watch over the dog while it was feasting on her intended breakfast. Crew's name popped up somewhere in the middle of her story about being on the subway. They'd just met. She draped her trench coat over her lap and his finger got busy on her magic button.

I didn't bring it up with him then, because it didn't matter to me. I was never oblivious to what went on his life even though he's always been oblivious to what's happened in mine.

It doesn't bother me that he's slept with more women than he can remember. He's a gorgeous man who loves to fuck. I bit back at the jealousy early on by dating other men. It always works, until it doesn't anymore.

I refuse to be just another name in his past. I don't want that. I won't be it. I brought up those other women because I want him to see that I fit into a different corner of his life than any of them ever could. I'm not ready to give that up.

I can find another man to fuck. I can't find another friend like Crew.

The discussion was difficult, the moments spent on the beach afterward were awkward but it was all necessary.

We can go back to Manhattan in two days as friends. Eventually we'll both forget the kiss and life will be as it was.

It has to be. I need it to be.

"You're daydreaming about a burger, aren't you?" Crew steps into my line of sight as I turn from where I've been staring out the window. "You have that look in your eye again."

"What look?" I laugh through the question.

"The one that makes me want to grill you a burger." He looks out at the deck and the large silver grill that he used to cook our streaks. "I'm the Benton burger king."

"Is that supposed to be impressive?" I tease, grateful that the uncomfortable walk on the beach didn't carry into our evening.

He shakes his head, pointing his finger at me. "You're going to eat those words after I cook dinner for you."

"When is that happening?" It's barely six o'clock. I made a sandwich before I hit the pool and I saw Crew eating an apple less than an hour ago after we made our way back up the private boardwalk. I'm not hungry. I doubt he is either.

He glances down at his silver wristwatch. I haven't seen it on him since I arrived. I haven't seen him in gray pants and a black button down shirt either but that's what he's wearing.

"After I get back." He runs his hand over his smooth jaw. He shaved since our walk. Showered too and applied what smells like Matiz cologne.

It's not lost on me that he's going somewhere alone. I ask because the curiosity is nipping at me. "Where are you off to?"

"I'm meeting a friend for a drink."

It's a woman. A man wouldn't warrant the effort he's put in to get himself ready.

"You have friends in the Hamptons?"

What an idiotic question. He has friends everywhere .

"She's visiting from Los Angeles." His gaze coasts past my face to the view of the ocean beyond. "We're not often in the same place at the same time."

Did you call her or did she call you?

I don't ask because I can't. I'm the one who retreated back to the friendship line less than three hours ago. Who he spends his time with is none of my business. He made a decision to forgo time with me tonight to spend it with someone else, just as I made a decision to keep things platonic between us. I can't be upset because he's doing what's best for him.

"Don't rush back," I say in a voice that doesn't sound like my own.

He caresses my lips with his eyes, hesitating briefly before he finally responds. "I'll be back in a couple of hours. Call if you need me."

I nod. I do need him but I won't call. I made the choice to let him go and now I have to watch him leave knowing he's on his way to meet someone else. My heart breaks apart again. I'll put it back together. I always do. Maybe this time I'll get it right and Crew won't be holding most of the pieces.

***

A couple of hours turned into four and by then I was too tired to eat anything more than a bowl of cereal. I ate that, alone in my room, with my gaze trained to my phone.

I was tempted to reach out to Crew to ask when he'd be back, but he knows my number. If he felt the need to get in touch, he would have.

It's after two now, and I'm wide awake. I've opened the curtains and windows in my room to let the cool breeze and sounds of the night seep in. I thought that would help lull me back to sleep, but it hasn't.

I'm tempted to wander down the hallway that leads to the other wing of the house. I want to see if Crew is back. I didn't hear his car pull up but I didn't hear it when he took off hours ago either.

I watched him leave, without a glance back at me, wondering if I'd misjudged how easily either of us could go back to being just friends.

I swing my legs over the side of the bed and stand on the cool wood floor. I'm wearing white lace panties and a pink tank top. Normally, I sleep without a shirt, but I was fearful that I might have a nightmare and Crew would come bounding in my room to find me in tears and topless.

I pick up my phone from the nightstand and glance at the screen. The only messages are from Sydney and Ellie from earlier this evening. Both asking if I'm having fun and, naturally, Ellie is worried that I forgot sunscreen. I ignored both messages when they first came in. I will until morning.

I walk to the window and look out but the darkness is infinite and unrelenting. I can't see beyond the edge of the wraparound deck. The small white lights that hang from the railing are swaying gently with the wind.

I move to the door, opening it slowly. I didn't bring a robe and my sweatpants are still on my bed back home, next to the shampoo and conditioner I planned on packing. As always, Crew had taken care of that. The bathroom that's attached to my bedroom here has everything I could need including the expensive Matiz hair products I rarely allow myself to buy.

I pad down the hallway toward the main room.  I can tell the only light that is shining is the one I left on. It's on a small table next to the sofa by the fireplace. I thought if Crew came home, he'd need it to guide his way into the kitchen and beyond to his room.

I approach the front door and peek out through the glass that borders it. I can't see anything. No car, no Crew, just vast darkness beyond the lights that border the driveway.

A twisted knot settles in my stomach when I turn back around. There's no sign that Crew is here. His keys aren't on the foyer table where they normally are. My sandals are still right in the path of the doorway where I left them. He's tripped over them twice since I got here which is why I keep putting them in the very same spot. He curses, I laugh and then he winks at me. That happened before this afternoon, before I shut him out as anything but my friend.

What if everything we had is now broken beyond repair?

Panic washes over me.

"Crew?" I call out into the empty house. "Crew. Please be here."

I wait to hear the sound of distant footsteps or his voice, but there's only dense silence surrounding me.

I close my eyes against the onslaught of conflicting emotions that hit me suddenly and violently.

I stumble toward the fireplace, my toes sweeping against the edge of the light gray area rug.

If he's not here that means he's still with the nameless woman he met for a drink hours ago.

He likes to drink, but even Crew wouldn't still be in a bar. He would have taken the party somewhere else.

I cover my face with my hands and kneel down, trying to stop the tears.

This is exactly what I wanted, but the pain is blinding. I pushed him away earlier to avoid this, but it's already too late. I'm in deeper than I've ever been before and this time I don't have a safety net. Before we kissed, I could convince myself it was for the best to stay at arm's length. I could make my heart shut up by dating other men. Now that I've tasted his mouth and felt his hand on my skin, it's impossible to push aside what I feel.

I don't even know why I kissed him.  I promised myself I wouldn't. I knew where this would go, but my strength was tattered that night. I was weak, too fragile to see the consequences clearly.

Now, he's with another woman, kissing her the way he kissed me. Touching her in the same way I've ached for. 

I held a piece of his heart no one else ever has. I was his best friend until I wanted more. Now, it feels like I've lost that too.

I was fooling myself when I thought nothing would change. Everything is different.

I roll to my side, my body jerking with each sob I can't contain. Grief courses through me. I pushed away the only person who has always been there for me.  He's my rock, the sole constant in my life that keeps me anchored.

He's the man who roared into my life like a heated summer night storm and saved me, even if he doesn't know it.

"Ad?" Crew's voice cracks through the still air. "Jesus, Adley."

I feel him before he's near me; the surge of feverish energy emanating from him is almost palpable. He's on his hands and knees before I can form a thought.

"Sweetheart." He pulls me into his big body from behind, his arms circling me. "Ad, please. You're scaring the fuck out of me. Tell me what's wrong."

I turn over quickly, burying my face in his bare chest. I cry every tear I've held in for the past five years as I cling to the man I can't live without.