twenty-eight
rutledge
I stood with my arms crossed as I watched Peyton easily maneuver my truck down the drive. Taking a deep breath, my heart pounded in time with the blinker signaling her making a left turn. Rolling my shoulders, I cracked my neck from side to side. One more deep breath and she and my truck were out of my sight.
Fuck.
I didn’t move from the spot I was standing in. Not sure how many minutes passed, but my eyes were still glued to the spot I last saw her. A huge smile on her face, heading into town. I didn’t fucking like it, but I needed to let her go. Needed to give her that space. I was just having a hard time with it.
Fuck.
“Rut!” Slowly I turned my head, not moving my feet, and saw Willy standing on the porch, eyes to me. “You got a minute?” he asked.
Fuck. I had more than a minute. I had a few fucking hours since Peyton was picking up a chick she’d met in town named, Kinsley, and they were heading to the fabric store. And knowing how my girl shops, I could have a fucking week to kill instead of a few hours.
“Yeah,” I called to Willy and finally moved from the spot I’d been standing in.
But not before I took one last glance toward the end of the driveway. Just as I turned, I saw Willy move from the porch to disappear into the house. I followed him.
“When you talk to your woman ask her where my coffee was this morning,” Willy teased as we walked down the hall.
“She was probably so fucking excited about going shopping she forgot this morning.”
Willy laughed, “Women and shopping.”
“You ain’t gotta fucking tell me,” I agreed.
Herb and a few of the workers were in the kitchen. Eyes focused everywhere in the room but on me. I looked over to Willy and he had a shit-eating grin on his face.
“There a problem here?” I asked, crossing my arms over my chest, looking through everyone.
One of the workers coughed and my focus shifted but as soon as my eyes hit him, he looked away. I heard another worker humming.
“What the fuck?” I said firmly as this shit was pissing me off.
Willy elbowed me and said, “You wanna grab that?”
I looked to where he was gesturing and saw Peyton’s robe laying on the floor next to the island. Scanning the room, all the guys had knowing smiles on their faces. I went to the end of the island, grabbed her robe, threw it over my shoulder and asked, “Seriously, none of you fucked your girls on an island counter before?”
No one said anything. It was probably best if they didn’t because we were all grown men and this was bullshit.
“I need you up on the walk,” Herb finally broke the silence.
“What?”
He waved a hand toward the stairs off the kitchen. “Need you to take a look at something up on the widow’s walk.”
The workers and Willy had disbursed and I stood staring at the staircase like it had grown fangs and a tail. “Let’s wait till Peyton gets back.”
Herb started toward it. “It’s just something with the spindles she picked for the—”
“I said...” I bit out causing Herb to stop mid-sentence and turn. “We will wait, yeah?”
Herb’s curious gaze eyed me as he nodded slowly. “Okay.”
***
Two hours later, I stood at the top step of the porch, staring at it. The weathered wood, gray, and dotted with spots of black mold. Focusing on it, I wondered if the demons that lived inside me looked similar; dark, dingy and covered with black mold. Before I knew what my feet were doing, I was moving. Across the lawn, I kept going. The closer I got, the rusty nails came into view. Weeds growing in along the base of a once kept area. I wasn’t sure when it was built since I always remembered it being there. What I did remember was as I’d gotten older, my grandmother had rarely gone in there. It had always been the same men in and out of it. The lawn guy, and him.
My legs felt like lead causing my steps to slow. Every five steps, I took a deep inhale of the salty air. I stopped. I couldn’t do it. Looking around, I saw that the workers were too invested in what they were doing to notice me.
I thought of Peyton. How I’d give my own life to protect her, keep her out of harm’s way, and always to protect her. But if I couldn’t even face what haunted me for the last twenty-eight years, how could I truly protect her, veil her from her own fears? I had to do it. And this time with fervor I moved. As close as I was now, I could count every fucking nail that held up the walls, ones that hid a secret that had forever changed my life.
My breathing got heavier, causing me to pant like a fucking dog in heat. The numbness started at my feet, crawling up my legs and slithering through my body like a venomous snake. I stumbled, almost falling to my knees like I had on that very day. My gut twisted the same.
I couldn’t do it.
You really think you can get rid of us that easy, huh, Rutledge? We’re a part of you. We’re what makes you, you.
Only a few feet away, I raised my sweaty hands and ran them through my hair, gripping the strands that lay between my fingers.
Fuck.
I jolted as a vibration ran down my right leg. My cell. Pulling it from my pocket, I looked at the screen, took a deep calming breath and answered, “Hey, baby.”
“Hey.” There was a slight pause before she asked, “You okay?”
I stood silently on the phone, staring at the shed in front of me. So many fucking times I told her not to lie to me, fuck. “Yeah.” I lied. I’m such a fucking dick. “How’s shopping?”
She didn’t answer right away, I knew she didn’t believe me, but she didn’t press the point when she said, “I found the perfect sofa for the back room. I need to take measurements because I might get two. Oh, and we listened to a chilling medley from Les Misérables by The Great Martin. The man is so versatile.” The last part said on a laugh.
I took my eyes from the dilapidated building in front of me and cast them down to my sneakers. A smile played on my lips as I listened to every word she said. A lump forming in my throat, a stinging burning my eyes.
My girl was happy.
She was out shopping, not a care in the world, listening to the The Great Martin, wondering if two couches were going to fit in that back room. They would. But I was speechless because I stood here trying to fight the demons inside me while she was being happy.
I wanted to give her that happy. She told me all the time I did but I didn’t feel I did or could.
More softly she asked, “Hey, did I lose you?”
“Here, baby,” I whispered and told her, “Two couches will fit, Peaches.”
“Okay.” I heard her breathing, slow and steady. She then said, “Oh, we forgot my robe in the kitchen. Maybe you should grab it before people start asking questions.” She teased then added, “Though I think we should make that a weekly event. You, me and that kitchen island.”
I smiled then and felt like myself when I told her, “Guys already found it and knew we fucked on the island.” Grinning to myself, I added, “As for making it a weekly thing, fuck that, nightly.”
I heard her gulp, her words a little breathless when she replied, “Done.” Another pause before she said, “Thank you.”
I started toward the trailer, and questioned, “Thank you? For what?”
“When I bought your house, it was because I had this dream. Found Ogg’s Point a long time ago, wanted to make a life for myself here, set down roots. But I realize now that the dream wasn’t the house or setting down roots. It was you. I know you’re not okay. I can hear it in your voice. I don’t know what you’re thinking, and I know you’ll share when you’re ready, but I’ve never been this happy and I am because of you. I thought you should know that.”
“Baby...” Was all I could get out and even at that it was shaky as fuck because that lump was back along with the burning behind my eyes.
She knew what her words meant when she changed the subject. Her voice tender even as she teased, “The cafe is offering gingerbread scones. I think we’re going to need to check them out.”
Thankfully she did, I told her, “Pick some up. We can sit on the porch later tonight with some scones and hot chocolate, sound good?”
“Sounds perfect.”
I leaned against the trailer and looked to my feet. “So are you, Peaches.” I paused and whispered, “Perfect.”
“I love you, Rutledge Raines.”
Jesus. I was going to have to fuck her hard later.
“Hey, I gotta run to the hardware store for Herb. Gonna borrow one of his trucks so if I’m not here when you get back, that’s where I am.” I lied to her. Straight up fucking lied to the woman that I love that just told me she loved me. I was such a fucking dick.
“All right. Be safe. I’m finishing up so I’ll probably be back before you. I can start dinner.”
“Sounds good.” I paused and told her the truth, “Love you.” Then I hung up.
***
Today I was realizing how much of a dick I truly was. It’d been twenty-four years since I stood in this very spot. But even as all the years passed, it still looked the same. The polished marble of the gravestones looked as if they were just erected yesterday. The landscaping around them in mint condition. Large oak trees trimmed but shading the benches scattered throughout the cemetery.
I scanned the area before I looked back at the headstones side by side. “I know I haven’t been arou…” I stopped.
They know you haven’t been around, you dick.
Fuck.
What did I say?
My eyes roamed the area again, and when I didn’t see anyone I sat down. My ass to the fading green manicured grass, knees bent, elbows resting on them, hands dangling between, I stared ahead. Gazing at my mom’s and grandmother’s names like I’d never seen them before, and I started talking.
“I was nine years old when it happened…”