thirty-three
peyton
It had been two weeks since Rut found me. Barrett was in jail and not just for kidnapping me. Willy had had help falling from the ladder, had caught Barrett in the house that morning. My missing mug was found in his apartment when the police had done a sweep. My heart broke for Willy, but it shattered thinking that I had spoken to that man, that I’d been friendly with the animal that had raped Rut, who had raped The Great Martin. They may not get a murder indictment, but there was no statute of limitations for the rape of a minor in Maine. Barrett would die in prison. Perfect ending for that monster.
Coda had returned to Boston, took him a week after the ordeal to leave, but in that time he and Rut reached an understanding because tragedy had a way of bringing people together. I was glad for it because Rut was my life; Coda was part of that life. I liked that the two worlds were merging.
Kinsley shared with me how the town had come together, all with the same goal of finding me. I had wanted to live in a community that was a family. It warmed my heart to know I did.
Rut. He wasn’t just a chapter in my story. He was the whole story. I knew that, had known that, but when I was taken, fear of Barrett getting his way, a lifetime spanning out before me, one without him. I couldn’t do it. Every part of him was entwined with every part of me, entangled and happy to be so.
I walked to the windows and looked out, knowing I’d find Rut. He was by the cliff’s edge. I found him out there a lot over the past two weeks. I understood. It was where I went to clear my head, to decompress, to find my balance. He’d been off since finding me. Almost distant. I suspected it was going to take some time before he processed all that had happened. Letting his demons go, my abduction, coming face to face with his monster. However long it took him, I’d be here.
We were moving our stuff into the main house. Rut was making arrangements to have the trailer stored. I hadn’t known he bought the trailer, but I should have. It was such a Rut thing to do. I had most of my stuff already over. He’d helped me earlier. Went back to pack his stuff. I offered to help and he told me he had it. Instead, I made us lunch and by making I ordered pizza. I was going to call for him when I saw him turn and start up the lawn. I watched him, the weight he seemed to carry and wondered what he was thinking. I intended to give him time, but I hated seeing him looking as he did. Something was up.
I stepped out onto the porch. His focus shifted to me. I waited for the smile. He didn’t offer one. He stopped in his tracks, staring at me.
“I ordered pizza for lunch. It should be here in a half an hour.”
He pushed his hands into his pockets, his head lowering for a second. Something about his stance had the first seed of fear taking root in my gut. “I thought I could do this.” His voice was rough. He glanced to his feet before his eyes came back to me. “I know what it feels like to be helpless. I felt it twenty-eight years ago, that feeling never goes away. Fuck...” He grumbled hoarsely and kept on going, “Thinking of you in that room, knowing what you were feeling because I’ve been there. Worrying about what was going to happen, if you were going to die, that shit scars you.” He sucked in a shaky breath. I took one too because even hearing the words I didn’t believe them. “Knowing you felt that, that you were even in that room because of me, fucking kills me, Peyton. Destroys me.” He moved his eyes to his truck then back to me, seeing the pain etched across his handsome face hurt, but his words were killing me. “I didn’t fucking protect you the way I should have. Jesus...” He painfully grated out the last word. “You were only feet away from me and I couldn’t protect you.” He looked to the ground and when he looked back up at me, his face was pale. “You deserve to feel that, to have that. I failed you.” I couldn’t believe what he was saying, my brain struggling to understand his words. I tried to talk, to make it stop, to bring him back to me, but a visible tremble shook his body before his raspy voice said, “I have to let you go. I have to let you find what you’re looking for, what you deserve, because, baby, it ain’t me.” My mouth opened, his hand rose, his words broken when he whispered, “It’s not, beautiful.”
He walked away, he dropped that on me then turned and walked away. Rage collided with pain. “No!” I shouted at him. He stopped but didn’t turn, stood there rooted to the ground. “No! You don’t get to just walk away from me. No!” I shouted and stalked the distance to him. His eyes met mine and they were empty, the sight slicing through me. “You couldn’t have known that animal would come for me, you couldn’t have foreseen what happened. And even if you did, shit happens. We stumble but we get back up again, together.” I grabbed him, my fingers digging into his arms. “Together, remember?” He looked through me, my Rut wasn’t there. Fear rose to meet rage when I pleaded, “You find your happy and you hold onto it.” My own words broke when I whispered, “You are my happy and I am not letting you walk away from me. I’m fighting for you, for this, because you are what I want.”
He was behind his wall, he had locked me out. He had left me in the cold. Tears welled and still I tried. “Tell me you don’t want me and I’ll let you go, but you have to look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t want me.”
Hearing the words I wanted to cling to, I still felt cold because even his vow was empty. “You’ll forever be my only love, Peyton. My only.”
“Then fight for me. You walk away and you are letting him win.”
His voice was hoarse when he said, “I’ve caused you too much pain, Peyton. You might not see it, but from the fucking moment you clicked that damn button, we were doomed.”
“I’ve never been so happy. I’ve found my home and I’m looking right at him. Don’t walk away from this. Don’t walk away from me. You walking away will hurt more than anything.” A sob caught in my throat. “Please don’t leave me.”
His focus didn’t waver, his expression didn’t change and those eyes that I loved looked at me like he didn’t know me. And then he spoke the words, words I never thought I’d hear from him, words that destroyed me. “I don’t want you.”
You could still breathe when your world came crashing down. Your heart still beat, the blood still rushed through your veins, your mind could still recall the devastation with vivid detail. I felt him leave, heard his truck start up. I hoped to hear it shut off, to hear his footsteps coming back to me, to feel his arms coming around me, to hear his voice whispering he loved me. Instead, I heard the sound of him driving away, leaving me in the midst of my shattered dream, standing in a place I was prepared to start a home with him, a family, a place I was looking to the future with the one man I loved, the only man I would love, but he really was tethered to the past. His demons owned him and that hold was stronger than the one I had on him. My legs gave out and I crumbled to the ground. The pain was suffocating, eating me from the inside out as I curled into myself and cried because he didn’t just take the dream; he took my heart too.
That night, I stood and watched it burn. The shed that housed his secret, the shed that caused the demons that took him away from me. I stood alone, empty and broken, and watched as the fire licked up into the darkened night taking those ugly memories with it.
***
I walked through the house. The sound of my footsteps echoed in the empty space. It was beautiful. Every detail exactly as I had hoped. It would make someone a wonderful home, but that person wouldn’t be me. He was in every room. His presence all around, haunting me as surely as his demons had haunted him.
I looked outside, but I didn’t see it anymore. The dream; I felt nothing. It wasn’t just emptiness, and it wasn’t something I’d be getting over. He had taken more than the dream when he walked out. A part of me hated him. Hated that he didn’t fight. A man like him who fought for everything in his life, but he didn’t fight for me. That is what broke me. He didn’t hold onto me with both hands, he let me go. It was time for me to let him go too.
I placed the key on the island, my heart breaking at the memories, and with one last look, I walked away too.
Jessica was waiting for me on the drive. Unlike our last meeting, she watched me with understanding. “I’ll make sure I get a good offer for you.”
“At this point, I’ll take anything. I just want it done.”
She nodded. I headed to the rental car, she stopped me when she said, “I’m sorry, Peyton.”
Tears rolled down my cheeks, but she wouldn’t see them. “Please just sell the house. To a family if possible. I’d like to know children are running around the yard. Tell them about the boats at Christmas.” My words ended on a sob but I choked it down.
“I’ll do my best.”
I climbed into the car and didn’t even look back when I started it up and drove away.
two weeks later
***
“Are you sure you want to do this?” Coda asked as I finished packing. My passport sitting next to my suitcase. I wasn’t coping. I wasn’t moving on. I wasn’t sure I ever would but I needed to try. I was starting over, heading to Scotland in a few days. Timing wasn’t great with the holidays, but I needed to get away. I hadn’t a clue what I would do while there but I just had to get away. What I feared was no matter how far I ran I’d never escape what chased me.
The house had sold, almost immediately, the buyer offering the asking price. My savings would be replenished and then some. I had the means to escape, to start over. I didn’t want to, but I had to.
“Yeah. I need this. I need to get away, to try to find happy again.”
Laura stood at the door. Seeing them together had been really hard, because I saw Rut and me. A daily reminder of what I had, of the brief time where I had been really, truly happy.
“I’ve closed the shop for the month of January, so we can visit, help you get settled.”
I smiled, knew it was strained, but she was a good person. She was good for Coda. I was happy that at least he had found his forever.
“By then I should be pretty settled, so I can show you around,” I offered.
My phone rang. Coda silently exited, taking Laura with him. I reached for it because even still I was hoping it was Rut. And every time, I felt the loss of him again when it wasn’t his name lighting up the screen.
“Hey, Jessica. What’s up?”
“The buyer asked that you be present for the walk through.”
Deja vu hit, pain followed. “Yeah, I can do that. When?”
“Tomorrow at three.”
“Okay. I’ll be there.”
I disconnected the call and tossed my phone on the bed then moved to the window. I dreaded going back, dreaded the memories I’d be forced to remember, but I had to go back in order to move forward.