Chapter 19

Three Months Later - December

Will

Avery and I got out of the car and went to the trunk to unload the bags, me trying to figure out which ones he was strong enough to carry. We had just returned from Christmas shopping. Usually by now I was done with shopping, but we’d had to get a couple of Avery’s friends some presents and also my mom. For her, I had tracked down a blanket she desperately wanted. As I lugged everything inside, I stopped and turned back, realizing that Avery wasn’t beside me. He was standing in the cement courtyard, staring up at the sky.

“It’s snowing, Daddy.” He giggled. “Grandma says that means it’s time for Christmas miracles.”

I smiled and nodded my head, remembering how my mom used to tell me the same thing as a kid. I motioned for Avery to follow me, wanting to get in out of the bitter cold of New York. We took the elevator up, talking about our next move, which was making hot chocolate to warm ourselves up. As we rounded the corner, I froze, spotting Ella standing in front of her apartment door. I hadn’t seen or heard from her in nearly three months. Avery gasped and dropped his bag on the floor, garnering her attention. He raced down the hall with his arms wide out in front of him and practically tackled her.

She laughed hysterically as she tried to regain her balance, holding as tightly to him as she used to do when she came over all the time. Avery was more than excited to see her. He had desperately missed her over the last few months. He had asked about her at least a few times a week, still not understanding what college was all about and why she had to go away in order to do what she needed to do. It almost broke my heart how much he wanted to be with her.

I bent down and struggled to pick up his bags and put the things back into it that had spilled out. I walked toward them, smiling as Ella kept ahold of Avery, talking to him gently and squeezing him tightly. She looked really excited to see him, and that gave me some kind of hope that we could move forward. Though I didn’t want to get my hopes up too high since I knew she would never be mean to Avery, no matter what happened between the two of us. When I got close, Ella looked up at me and finished her hug with Avery. Avery smiled at me and then looked back at Ella, unsure what to do next.

“Hey, buddy, can you take some of these bags inside? I’ll be in there in just a second. Then we can wrap up all these presents.”

“Sure,” he said, smiling and running into the apartment.

“It’s really good to see you,” I said, walking forward. “It’s a bit of a surprise, but still good to see you. Why haven’t you returned any of my calls or texts? I mean, I’m not trying to back you into a corner here, but we kind of left things on a sour note, and that was the last thing I ever wanted to see happen. I was really trying to reach out to you and mend things so we could at least be friends again. Then you never came home for Thanksgiving, which struck me as odd since Taryn was here. I thought about asking her where you were, but I didn’t want to bother her, figuring if you wanted me to know, then you would have told me.”

“You’re right,” she said. “I would have told you. Look, I’ve just been really busy. Harvard is a really hard school, and I have to stay completely focused. There are outgoing interviews, internship applications, my father’s constant law school nagging, and on top of all that, I’m expected to be on my game at all times. The last thing I have time to do is make sure someone who didn’t give a damn about me before is kept in the loop about my whereabouts. If you wanted to know where I was, if you wanted me to text you back, you shouldn’t have used me like you did.” She paused and took a deep breath. “Look, I’m not angry at you. I just need you to understand that you didn’t do anything to make me want to make you a priority.”

“Ella,” I said, shaking my head. “I know what being busy looks like.”

“Not Harvard busy,” she snapped. “You were too busy worrying about your future plans that you didn’t graduate college. Your future did not hinge on your success at Princeton, so you have no idea how I feel. I am in no way saying you had it easy, but your options were more than boundless, with or without an education. That degree I get when I walk across that stage is going to be what determines my path for the rest of my life. It will determine my salary, my opportunities, what I can afford to do with my free time, my family life, and everything else in between.”

“I get it,” I said, trying to get her to calm down, but if anything, that only made it worse.

“No, you don’t get it,” she said. “Because on top of all that, my father isn’t okay with me going my own way. You told me that even though your father didn’t emotionally support you breaking out, he financially supported your endeavor. I don’t have the luxury of a father who will support me that way. He thinks it’s his way or the highway. So when I leave Harvard, I’m on my own, period. That means I have to work that much harder than everyone else. I have to remember I don’t have my parents to fall back on. I made my own bed, I completely understand that, but it doesn’t take away from the fact that I’m extraordinarily busy right now.”

She stopped talking and took in a deep breath. She had gone on and on, as if she’d planned that speech out before she even saw me. I knew she had a lot going on in her life—a lot I probably didn’t even see right now—but she was acting emotional, and that wasn’t something I was used to from her. The attitude she was giving me pissed me off, but I choked my irritation down, knowing that if I wanted a chance to reconnect with Ella, I was going to have to put up with more than a little bit of her anger and resentment. I took a deep breath and looked into her eyes.

“Ella,” I said, stepping forward, “I fully understand that we parted ways on bad terms. I know I messed things up. I didn’t tell you how I felt, and the conclusions you drew were extremely hurtful to you. No matter how calm you played it, I could see the hurt in your eyes, and for that I am beyond sorry. That being said, you have completely iced me out and now you just unloaded on me with no provocation. I don’t think I deserve what you are throwing at me.”

“Maybe you’re right,” she said, taking a deep breath. “Maybe I’m being a bit overemotional. When it comes down to it, me not answering you was partly because of how we ended things, but it was mostly because I have just been too busy with everything going on in my life. That wasn’t a lie. School went from super hard to Einstein level this year, and I wasn’t prepared for it at all. I knew the senior thesis was going to be difficult, but not ‘live off caffeine pills’ difficult.”

“That does sound stressful,” I said, trying to be supportive. Still, I stepped back since I could see she wasn’t comfortable with me being close to her at the moment.

“This is my final year at Harvard,” she said, sighing. “Concentration is the key to everything right now. I can’t afford to lose that. It’s the only thing getting me through this senior hell. Unlike some people, I don’t need, nor can I afford, any distractions right now.”

Ouch. That was a jab at how we’d ended things the last time she was here. Although I didn’t think it was necessary, I couldn’t be too angry at her for taking the time to make that remark. Still, it hurt, and I wanted to lash back at her, but I knew I had no reason or right to do so. I took in a deep breath and pushed the hurt and annoyance down, wanting to keep pushing for a relationship of some kind with Ella. There was a slight pause, followed by an awkward silence, and I knew if I didn’t say something, she was going to walk away. I was tired of watching her walk away from me instead of walking toward me.

“So,” I said taking a deep breath, “how long are you going to be in town?”

“A little longer than normal—if I can handle my father for that long,” she said, finally cracking a small smile but quickly pulling it back. “I’m going to be here for a month. That’s when my final semester of college starts. I figured it would be a good idea to spend that time away from college since I was already feeling completely burned out.”

“That was probably a smart choice,” I said. “I know it’s probably too soon to say this, but I was really hoping you and I could spend some time together while you’re here, maybe try to work through what happened and come to friendly terms on everything. I know that might be completely out of the question, but I can’t not ask. Besides, Avery hasn’t stopped talking about you since you left. He asks about you all the time, and I’m out of excuses to give him, especially since he spotted you just a minute ago.”

She stood there listening to me, a slightly unhappy look on her face. She probably thought I was trying to use my son to see her, which wasn’t entirely off the mark. I knew she could turn me down in a heartbeat, but not Avery. She shifted and pulled her bag up on her shoulder.

“You know, I have a lot going on at work,” I said. “Maybe you could babysit Avery. That way you can see him, get paid for it, and you really don’t have to deal with me that much.”

“Um, yeah, maybe,” she said. “We’ll talk about it later. I have to get inside.”

I shook my head and watched as she walked into her apartment and shut the door. I stood there, trying to wrap my head around what had just happened. I was stunned by how different Ella was acting. I’d really hoped that after she’d been away from me for a while, we would be able to reconnect. I tried to understand how angry she was, and although I understood some level of her anger at me, she was livid with me, to the point where she might not see Avery, or me, while she was home. At the same time, I knew school and her father were stressing her out big time. Maybe I was taking it too personally. Maybe a lot of her silence was actually about school and not about the way we had left things. All I could do was wait and see how things unfolded.