Chapter 32

Ella

The chair in the living room of my parents’ house was my new favorite place to sit and think about life. That was exactly where I was when my cell phone rang and Will’s contact information popped up on the screen. At first I didn’t want to answer, but I knew I needed to. In the future, no matter how much I didn’t want to talk to him, I would have to for the baby. I figured I might as well start then.

“Hello?”

“Hi,” he said in a solemn tone. “How are you?”

“I’ve been better and I’ve been worse,” I said. “Just trying to take a breather.”

“Understandable,” he replied. “Would you come over tonight? Avery will be at my mother’s, and I would like a chance to talk to you.”

“I don’t know,” I said. “I just got calmed down from yesterday’s talk about two hours ago. No matter how much I want to resolve things, I have to think about my health, because whatever I am feeling, this baby is feeling it, too. I think it’s important that I stay as even-keeled as I can right now. It doesn’t do me, or this baby, any good for me to get as upset as I got last night. I felt sick all night and all morning because of it.”

“I know,” he said, sighing. “I’m sorry for that. I need to help you stay calm and collected, not be the reason you’re struggling. I just think it would be better to sit down and go through things now than it would be to wait. I think you’ll feel better as well.”

“I guess it wouldn’t hurt, but it depends on what you want to talk about,” I said. “If it’s accusatory or questioning my honor, then I don’t need to discuss it anymore.”

“Nothing like that, I promise you,” he said. “We need to talk about the baby, yes, but it doesn’t need to be like yesterday. I’ve had time to process, calm myself down, and talk about it with my mother, who always has amazing insight on things. I just have to go to work for a little while and take care of some loose ends so that I can be uninterrupted when we talk.”

“All right,” I said. “Text me when you’re on your way home.”

“Great,” I replied. “I’ll pick up some pizza for dinner. And don’t hesitate to call me if you need anything at any time. Okay?”

“Yes,” I said, sighing.

The rest of the day, I pretty much just stayed in that chair, covered in a fleece blanket, watching the snow float past the windows. Usually, the first snow would get me all excited, but today I felt forlorn and lost. When I got the text from Will that he was almost home, I peeled myself from that spot and headed over to his place. Of course, the first thing my pregnant, hungry ass did was take in a big whiff of the pizza he had picked up on the way home. It was crazy just how hungry I was, and the baby wasn’t even big enough to be wanting any of my food yet besides a few nutrients here and there. Still, I was starving as soon as I walked in the door.

“I wasn’t sure what you would be in the mood for,” he said, setting the boxes down. “I got your favorite, ham and pineapple, and then I got a plain cheese in case you weren’t feeling adventurous today.”

“Thank you,” I said, feeling more nervous than hungry all of a sudden.

I hated how there was an impending sense of doom every time I had to sit down with Will now. It was like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. We sat down at the table to eat. Well, sort of. We both just kind of sat there in silence, picking at the pizza on our plates. It was awkward and uncomfortable, and where lust used to sit like a fog between us, the unsaid words and unknown feelings lingered there instead. I knew he had thought about what he wanted to say today, and I was trying to be accommodating and calm since I knew this was hard for both of us. Everything in me wanted to be happy, but it was almost impossible with everything going on.

“What did you want to talk about?” I said, needing to get rid of the silence.

“I want you to know that I am here,” he said. “And I will continue to be here to support our child no matter what. I know it’s hard for you to believe, but I’m not completely devastated by this news. My mother’s sentiments ring true. Children are an amazing thing, and it’s not this child’s fault that we haven’t found a common space between us.”

“You know,” I said, wanting to give him every opportunity to back out, “it’s okay if you don’t want to be involved. I know how much of a life-changer this is going to be, and I’m fully ready to take this on even if I have to go it alone. I’m sure my family will be supportive and caring. They’ll be there for both of us, for whatever we need, along the way. I will never be, nor will our child ever be, left out in the cold. My relationship with my father may be up and down, but he and my mother would never abandon me. In the end, I would much rather you not be involved if it’s just out of a sense of obligation rather than actual love. The child needs to feel loved no matter what, and I don’t want it to grow up wondering why its father seems to be there only for the things it needs and not out of love. I have felt that with my own father from time to time, and it is excruciating and debilitating at times.”

Will was tense now. His expression had gone from calm and caring to irritated in a heartbeat. I wasn’t purposely trying to be mean. I was just being honest. I wanted to give him the opportunity to back out if that was what he needed to do. I couldn’t allow him to come into our lives and disrupt it. I couldn’t live as we were for the next eighteen years. I also didn’t want his on-again, off-again mentality to leak over to our child. He needed to be absolutely sure.

“Stop,” I said firmly but calmly. “I can see the irritation written all over your face. You have no right to be annoyed with me. If you think about the way you’ve acted toward me and, as of last night, toward our child, I have every right to be concerned about how you act toward it once it comes into this world. I’m giving you an option that most women wouldn’t give the father of their child. I don’t want this to be forced.”

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. His muscles began to relax, the irritation faded from his face, and his hands unfolded in his lap. He was trying to control the outbursts he had when he was confused or angry. He had given this more thought than I had given him credit for before I walked through the doors. The stress was a lot for both of us, and because of that, emotions tended to run high.

“I have to say, you’re right,” he said, finally opening his eyes. “It’s also unfair how I treated you. It was selfish of me and extremely confusing for you to treat what we had as both casual and not. It was unfair of me to be hot and then cold and then hot again in the blink of an eye. I was incredibly confused about my feelings for you, and I didn’t handle it the way I should have.”

“Thank you for that,” I said, offering a friendly smile. “It means a lot just knowing that you recognize that.”

“I do, and I promise I will do better,” he said, looking up at me. “The truth is, I want to prove to you that I value you, and not just as someone who is a good babysitter for Avery. That’s why I asked my mother to watch him for a while, so that you could see that my interest in you is there regardless of my childcare needs.”

“I appreciate it,” I replied.

“I want to prove to you that I deserve to be involved in our child’s life,” he said. “I can completely understand why you are reluctant. I haven’t been the man I should have been to you, but I will not allow myself to be anything less than what our child deserves. It’s vitally important to me that I’m allowed to be a father to our child. This child is just as important and precious as Avery is.”

“It is,” I replied, shaking my head. “Because Avery is Megan’s son, I was afraid you wouldn’t feel that way about our child.”

“Megan has been a ghost in my life ever since she died,” he said. “She is a ghost I created, though. I was desperate to hold on to her in the beginning, but that manifestation quickly turned into nothing more than an excuse for me to live my life in the past. I’m sorry for all of that, and especially for making you feel as if you were nothing more than a distraction from her. I know it’s difficult for you to believe, but I really do have feelings for you. My feelings for you have nothing to do with Avery, Megan, or the past. They have to do with the kind of woman you are.”

“I have to admit—and don’t take this in a bad way—but it’s hard to believe you, although I am excited to see you show me that,” I said.

“I’m excited to get to show you,” he said, looking at me with a smile. “What do your parents think about all of this?”

“They don’t know yet.”

“Really?” he asked. “I would have assumed they would be the first people you told.”

“My sister knows now, but I wanted to get to a solid place with you first,” I replied. “I didn’t want to make everything more complicated with my emotions.”

“I understand, but you need to tell them before you’re showing. I know it’s nerve-racking for you to tell them, but you don’t want to wait.”

“I know,” I said. “Remember, though, that my father just had a heart attack, so I need to carefully pick the right time.”

“I understand,” he said. “And I respect that completely. Let me know what your plans are, and if you want me there, I’ll be there. Sometimes these things are a little easier with a bit of support.”

“Thank you,” I replied.

I reached down and took a bite of my pizza, the nerves that were there before quickly dissipating. Things had gone better than I’d hoped. Still, this was just the beginning, and I hoped he really could make me see his commitment to us.