This whole thing is crazy. I don’t even get what the fuck happened in Mama Mia’s.

Don’t look at me like that, okay? I’m telling you the truth I don’t know what’s going on.

Yes, if you need to know, I’ve been spending time with Colt. We’ve been fooling around a bit, which was why we didn’t even make it to the restaurant on time.

But on the other hand, Daniel’s acting as if he owns me and I hate it. Both he and Colt, actually, are trying to own me.

Daniel doesn’t own me. Colt doesn’t own me. No one does.

I still don’t understand though why Daniel cares so much to make such a big fucking deal. Shit, he’s not even bothered about me. If he was, then why not talk to me after that night. Ever since we spent that amazing night together, he’s been avoiding me like the plague. It’s a good thing that Colt’s been around to keep me company, otherwise I really would be in New York right now.

I hate Daniel, because he made me feel cheap. I don’t deserve that. Now that I’ve been with Colt, Daniel wants to act like the jealous boyfriend. No wonder Mom left him. He’s the type of guy that doesn’t know what he wants and likes to play games. Now I see why he’s changed his image so much and why he snuck out that night after he nearly fucked my brains out.

I decide that staying at the house isn’t a good idea. I pick up my phone in tears, “Sandra it’s me.”

I need to get the fuck out of here. At this rate, I’ll have a shit summer, and then go back to Harvard even more stressed than I am already. I don’t need or deserve it.

“What’s up? You sound like you’re not happy.”

I sniffle and try and control my breathing and what I need to say, “Please can you help me? I’m going to go back home. I did a terrible thing.”

“What?”

And it hits me. Right then.

This whole thing is my fault.

“I’m the reason they’re fighting,” I say into the phone. “I should have never slept with either of them.”

“Karen, stop. Not only are you scaring me, but you’re rambling, which means that it’s been pretty bad. Just tell me what you need.”

“I just need a place to crash, and a friend’s shoulder to cry on,” I tell her. “Can I drive over to you?”

“You got it. But please, don’t drive from California in your condition, babe,” she tells me. “I’m going to look online and book you a flight. I just don’t want you on the road in your condition.”

I take a few deep breaths and try and calm down. I need to tell her what’s going on, but before I can even say another word, she says, “Calm down. I’ll get you a flight for the morning. Doubt I’ll get anything now. Will you be okay to stay on your own till the morning?”

I tell her yes; I can leave my car at the house. There are so many things going in and out of my head right now that I can’t even think straight.

“I’ll get my things. I’ll call you when I get to the hotel.”

“You do that. And I’ll book the flights. Just one thing.”

“Yes.”

“You’re not a bad person. Don’t you ever think that okay?” Easy for her to say; she doesn’t know that not only did I sleep with my stepdad, but with my stepbrother too. That I pretty much seduced them. I shake my head about the fact that I’ve crossed a line. One that I can’t go back on, and I don’t even know why or how it happened. If I panic any more, then she’ll worry. Something that I don’t want her to do. I’m getting out of here, that’s all that matters now.

“Sure.”

“Good, see you soon.”

I hang up the phone feeling relieved that at least I’m getting out of here. I don’t know what’s worse: the fact that I slept with them both or the way that Daniel made me feel when it was clear that I’d been with Colt.

I sit down on a park bench and try to calm down. I can’t drive in my condition, and I watch as others walk by, getting ready to enjoy Friday night. The same way that I would under any other circumstances. Not tonight. I know that I will be in New York soon and then I would party. For now, I hope that Colt went home and realized that I wasn’t there and left to go wherever he had been for the last few days.

And as for Daniel Morgan…my stepfather is good at disappearing. I hope that he can do that for one night. That’s the least he could do after the way he behaved tonight. I feel like shit, not because he slept with me, but because I always thought of him as being the gentleman and Colt being the jerk. Now I know that it was the other way around. I wish that I had never slept with Daniel in the first place.

***

Instead of going back to the house, I curl up in the fetal position and go to sleep. I’ve never done something like this before. I had two choices: to go to a hotel wearing a dress like this with no luggage or stay in the house one night. I didn’t feel like doing either of them. Going to a hotel would probably mean that the staff would think that I’m some kind of hooker or something. But really, at this point, I have two words. Fuck off.

I honestly don’t care what people think.

I sent Sandra a message telling her not to book the flights. She called me a million times after that, so I just turned the phone off. I had no time to explain to her when I couldn’t even figure out what was wrong in the first place.

What was stopping me from leaving?

***

“Hey, you’re in my spot. Get your own spot.”

I open my eyes and realize that it’s morning.

I fell asleep on the park bench.

I don’t even know how long I was on the bench. I was slipping in and out of consciousness as I realized that no matter how many times I rethought Plan A, to go and get my things and stay in a hotel and then get a flight to New York, it was something that my body didn’t want to do. It just wanted to stay here, but then I couldn’t take both Daniel and Colt fighting one more time. I didn’t even know if I could handle Daniel by himself. The guy has issues; the way he spoke to me as if I’m some kind of trash really got to me. After all, he was indirectly calling me a whore.

What happened to him?

He was the one that made me feel like a woman and then ran out of the bed as if what we had done was wrong. After Zach, I’d decided that I wouldn’t give my heart away like that again. Not that Zach had my heart after all it turns out; I got over him in a heartbeat, but I’m out to enjoy myself. And God, do I enjoy myself whenever I’m with Colt. I’m not going to feel guilty for it. Especially after the way Daniel behaved, he’s worse than a child.

“Did you hear me?”

A woman with a cart’s prodding me as if I’m a piece of meat. She’s trying to get me to move from her spot. I feel like telling her that I’m not ready to leave, after all I never saw her name on it.

“Go and get your own spot!”

She’s shouting at me to move and people are staring at us. I know that they’ll all start saying the same thing to me. That I’m violating the hobo’s space and I need to go home. Or wherever I belong.

I stand up, not feeling like going anywhere right now. I don’t want to go to the house and face the two men that are driving me insane at the moment. I just can’t take the risk, especially when I didn’t know my own mind.

I search inside my purse and hand her a twenty-dollar bill. That’s all I’ve got in my bag. I try and dig deeper to see if I can get her more.

She laughs at me, “I don’t want your money. If I did then I would have said, I need some money and my bench. But, I didn’t. I just said that I wanted my bench.”

Wow, she’s a real feisty one. She’s not messing around, and she’s making me feel the same way that Daniel did in the restaurant: stupid!

She repeats herself, “Can you move from my bench?”

I take a deep breath and move away from her bench. I’m even tempted to ask her to share it as I look around and see the other ones are occupied. There are quite a few joggers taking a break or couples from the previous night on the town.

I shrug as I think about what I really need to do. I have to go back to the house, if anything just to make sure that they hadn’t killed each other. They seemed to be intent on fighting over me. I wish that I could say that I was worth it. But I didn’t think that I was that special until they flirted with me. Not the way that Zach would flirt. It wasn’t an “I want to fuck you” sort of teasing. More of a “you’re so fucking hot and I want you,” sort of teasing. Which was what drew me to both of them.

And their good looks, sure, but they’re so different. Daniel has a 8-pack and is well-groomed, but now I’m attracted to him because he’s older and he’s really got the mature factor working for him. Apart from last night when he acted like a child.

As for Colt, he’s going to be a football star for sure. But, behind it all he’s a pussy cat. He has this bad-boy exterior but I’ve seen a different side of him.

“Good luck!” The woman shouts out to me as I slowly start to move away from her. I look from side to side to see if she’s talking to someone else as I drag my feet to the car. Sleeping in these heels was not a good idea. My feet are killing me.

“You were mumbling in your sleep, and besides, your type don’t belong on the street. Whatever it is you’ve decided to face, good luck.”

“Thanks,” I shout back, thinking that this woman shouldn’t be on the streets and then I realize that she mentioned about me talking in my sleep. I wonder exactly what she heard and I’m about to turn back and ask her, but then I see that she’s fast asleep in the same position I was in before she woke me up. She’s right. I need luck. I also really need to freshen up and tell them the truth.

I send Sandra a message telling her not to book the flights. She calls me after that, and I explain to her that I need to face something here first.

“Go get them, girl,” she tells me.

I pause as I think about it. Sandra knew me well enough to know what would keep me from leaving.

Because the truth is I don’t want to be with just my stepbrother, but my stepdad too. I’m crazy about them for completely different reasons; they can’t expect me to choose. Because, I don’t want to.

Not now.

Maybe not ever.