I need to pull myself together, so I tell Jason to leave. He doesn’t protest or complain about it. He simply stands up and leaves the house quietly. This is the reason that we never told them. I never expected it to go well. I thought about it, if it was the other way around, if Carla had told me that she was seeing Daniel how would I take it?

I knew that I wouldn’t take it well. A barrier of trust has been broken and it started the moment I fucked Jason by the pool side and after that we both got carried away. Do I regret it? No. I just wish that we had been honest earlier on. I know one thing for sure, Jason’s made me confront my fears. He’s brought out the best in me and I’m not going to feel guilty about it. Not one little bit.

I start to head up the stairs and do something that I should have done a long time ago. I’m going to talk to my son. Not just about Jason, but about everything. It’ll start with how his dad died and the marriage. The one that we’ve never spoken about until now.

As I knock on his door, I call out, “Daniel?”

He doesn’t respond, I’m no longer crying. I don’t feel weak as I did when I told both Daniel and Carla. I feel stronger than I’ve ever felt in a long time.

“Daniel!”

Again, nothing so I attempt to open his door. It’s locked. Something Tom said was important for our privacy. I never wanted any of the rooms in the house locked. He was the one that insisted that every room should be locked after I’d caught him watching porn. I knew the reason behind it, but like everything in the house I said nothing about it. I just complied, I’d been doing it for so many years that it was almost robotic.

“I know that you hate me. But I need you to understand this. I need you to understand us!”

I’m talking to a door, but I don’t care. Daniel can hear me on the other side of the door and that’s all that matters.

“Your dad and I never had a marriage. We had sex once. Once in eighteen years and that was how you were conceived. You must have seen that we weren’t like other couples. Your dad never attempted to kiss me. Touch me. We even slept in separate rooms.”

I stop as I hear his door open. This means that he’s listening to what I have to say.

“Dad was gay. I’m not an idiot. I knew,” Daniel whispers as he opens the door.

I want to ask how he knew, but I can’t say anything as he starts speaking and I want him to say more. I want to comfort him, but I can’t because I’ve started to talk and I need to get it all of my chest.

“That was just a part of it. We were brought together by our parents. We stayed together, because of you. I wanted you to have a mom and dad. I realize now that you had neither.”

“What do you mean?”

“Daniel, I was dead. I was living in a house, trying to please your dad sexually and even just as a wife. He had so many rules. I had to be like this. Dress like this,” I say as lift up my dress. The one that I kept and the rest I burned as I’ve been getting rid of everything in my closet. Any reminder of Tom.

“Anyway, I didn’t know how to be me. Until, I found out that your dad died of a heart attack after having sex with a male prostitute.”

Daniel chokes, “That’s disgusting. A married man. I used to respect him and think that he was some hot shot. Always wanting to please him to get his attention and the problem was I never did.”

I nod my head and think that for the first time in a long time, we’re both talking. Daniel heads to his bed and slumps down. He’s not talking, but at least he’s a lot calmer then he was a few minutes ago.

“I thought that he was a good father to you. That’s the reason I stayed, I realize now that I did it for my own selfish needs.” I start to cry as I think about all the mistakes that I’ve made in my life. I know one thing for sure, Jason’s not one of them.

He comforts me, by putting his arm around me.

“Mom, please don’t cry. I think I understand. I don’t hate you.”

I look up at him. “But I don’t want you to hate Tom either. Whatever he did, maybe he had reasons for them. Some that we don’t understand, but he’s not here to defend himself so we just have to take what he did and move on from it. Do you understand?”

He ignores my question as he asks, “What about you and Jason? Is it love?”

I nod my head. “I’ve never felt more alive in my life.”

He rejects me like a jilted bride at the altar. I call after him, but this time he doesn’t just run down the stairs. He’s leaving the house and I’m going to follow him and do what we should have done a long time ago.

We’re going to have this all out tonight, one way or another, I’m not going got let him avoid this conversation. One that was overdue a long time ago.