I’m on the subway.  My mind is elsewhere.

‘Why me?’

 I’ve never considered myself as a hot girl and I don’t see why a man like Zac would be interested in me.  He’s hot and cool and doesn’t seem to be the type of guy who would like to be involved in a serious relationship, and I’m sure he can get any girl he wants. I may be stereotyping but I can’t help it. I ask myself if I liked it and the answer is obvious. I loved it.

 I went on fire. I was burning with desire. Yeah, I haven’t had sex for six months, but it had nothing to do with that. There’s something about him that makes me feel butterflies fluttering in my stomach. The way he gripped my waist, the way he delicately brushed his lips against mine, waiting for me to be ready before sexily exploring my mouth with his tongue. His chiseled muscles. His sexy scent. His stubble.

Even his warm breath washing over my chin sent tingles of lust up my spine. And oh my God, his bulge pressing on my womb! I’m sure I would have lost it if I didn’t draw back. Had we been somewhere else, I don’t know how this whole thing might have ended up. I may have given him what he wanted.

And what I wanted in that moment.

But I can’t risk it.   I’m not a ‘one-night stand’ kind of girl, and even if I were, how could I be sure I wouldn’t fall in love?  - I’ve been fooled once, and it took me months to recover. Since then, I’d promised myself it won’t happen again. When I think rationally, I know it’s wrong. I know Lisa may be right. 

‘You need to live your life,’ she said.   ‘They can’t all be assholes. It’s a matter of karma.’  

However, I don’t feel ready.  I’m still afraid I may give out too much and suffer again. I don’t want to be naïve again.

I miss sex sometimes, but for the time being, I’m better off alone. This way no one can hurt my feelings. After all, I can’t be disappointed, or be cheated on by someone that doesn’t exist. Yet I feel wistful because I like him. I may be utterly wrong in not trusting him. I don’t know Zac really. We have only talked a few times, but there’s something about him that turned me on since the first time I saw him.

‘Oh Jeez, I wish I didn’t have all these fears and I could just date guys without freaking out.’ 

“Are you getting off at the next stop ma’am?” A guy behind me asks – the subway is packed.

I blink before replying peeking back over my shoulder, “Um, no, go for it,” I tell him, spinning on myself halfway to make it easier for him and other people behind, but when I realize the next stop is Bryant Park, I decide to get off too.

When I step out of the train, the guy turns and gives me a quizzical look, then shakes his head and keeps walking his way.  

I grumble.

‘One can change her mind or make a mistake for God’s sake!’ But then I realize it’s more something to laugh about rather than getting mad, and a grin springs on my face.

***

 

I’m down on my belly, in Bryant Park’s lawn. The sun is high, and the sky is blue. The park is crowded, and all the green steel chairs had been taken, so I just remove my converse and socks and I lay in the middle of the lawn. I start scrolling down my email. My legs are crossed and bent behind my back – I find this position comfortable and relaxing despite my ex-fiancée claiming it to be sexy and provoking. I can’t help chuckling as I look around to check if anyone is staring at me in a lustful way. Some folks are in fact glancing in my direction, but they have sunglasses on, so it means nothing. How can this pose be teasing? I wonder amusingly, slowly shaking my head. Maybe sexy? Yeah sure. But I definitely don’t intend to ‘provoke’ anyone!

I grin with one side of my mouth lowering my glance back to my phone. My heart thunders as a Facebook Messenger notification icon pops up on the screen. I quickly open it and a cold chill runs down my spine.

‘You can block me anytime you wish, but I’ll always be back. How’s it going Grace? I want you. I need you.’

My pulse quickly increases. All the noises around me muffle and I feel the urge to throw up.