It’s over. That’s it.
It’s Thursday evening and I’m walking home after my last day of work. This will be my last night in NYC, and in Lisa’s apartment.
I stroll down to Soho, taking my time to carefully enjoy my last walk home through the streets of Manhattan. I look at the little trendy restaurants, the cafés, the bars, feeling a heartache sensation. I got used to living in this wonderful city, and I’ll miss it a lot. Then I casually glimpse through the windows of a bar that seems very cozy, and I’m almost tempted to walk in and have a drink, but suddenly my heart skips a beat.
I blink and widen my eyes trying to have a better look. But I’m right.
Zac is sitting on a stool, and he’s apparently talking with a sexy brunette.
I bit my lip tightly, my eyes get watery. There was a part of me that hoped - like in a movie - to have been chased by him at the last moment. I would have cried and told him I loved him, wrapping my arms tightly around his neck, and kissing him passionately.
‘How foolish.’
I slowly shake my head letting out a bitter smile and I walk away.
On my way back, I stop at Dean & DeLuca to get an apple fritter to-go. I always loved them!
I try to get into the right mood. ‘I’m leaving for a new adventure!’ I keep telling myself.
‘I’m about to start working in the field I love. Besides, I’ll live in Hawaii. People pay to go there for a week. But I’ll get paid to do what I like on a wonderful island! Yay!’
But there’s something that stops me from being utterly fulfilled and enthusiastic about the whole thing. Only a week ago I’d been out of the moon. Yet, after what happened with Zac, and I don’t mean the sex part, which was spectacular by the way, but the way we started connecting. The fun we had, the way we disclosed ourselves to each other, the new things I discovered about him. He has been capable of pleasantly surprising me each time I saw him. It’s been a crescendo of feelings, emotions, and finding out new beautiful qualities I’d never thought he might have had.
However, I’m perfectly aware perfection does not exist. He is a free spirit and I can totally understand that. I shouldn’t be expecting anything from him in the first place, and I knew that! That’s why I didn’t want to get too close to men in the first place anymore. To avoid what happened. Yeah, we were not a couple. We have never even said anything about being a couple. But in the back of my mind, I hoped he cared. I hoped he thought I might have changed the way he looked at the world and he would have changed mine. Only now do I realize that I secretly dreamed of being loved by him. My inner self has always loved him, and now that I’m leaving this city I admit it to myself. That’s what it was. But if I’d been too proud and scared to confess it even to me, how could I have ever done to him? Would that have changed something? I don’t think so. He’s not the romantic kind of guy. He plainly said he has been hurt when he was a kid and he has never even considered getting involved in a serious relationship.
He’s just like that. He’s become a snarky bastard. And despite the qualities, I think he has, he will stay that way. And what I’ve seen a few minutes ago confirms my theory. He has easily forgotten me. I was one among many. And that’s it. I can’t blame it on him. Certainly not. I only blame it on myself and my sensibility. I wish I were able to just have fun, in every kind of ways, with a man I like physically, and manage to never let feelings be involved. But as much as I tried, I failed. The good news is this may not hurt as much as if we had been together for a long time. It won’t hurt as much as if we’d been a real couple. Maybe it won’t hurt that much.
My real regret is what it might have been. If we’d only let ourselves go, we could have been perfect. I’m sure about it. Or maybe not?
I sneer shaking my head slowly. The only thing I’m sure of is I think too much, and that’s my ruin.
My mind was so busy that I suddenly realize I’m almost at Columbus Plaza. I feel so bad for Nick too. He called him sick and I couldn’t say goodbye to him. I tried to get hold of him on the phone, but he wouldn’t pick up. I’ll write him an email as soon as I settle down. The general manager seemed quite annoyed when I told him I was quitting without the standard two weeks’notice, but I didn’t have a choice.
“Good evening Miss Lords.” Lawrence’s cheeks look redder than usual. Maybe because it has started to get really cold outside. That’s probably why is already into his cubical watching something on a little TV screen.
“Hey, Lawrence! It’s time to say goodbye!” I squeal.
His eyes widen quizzically.
I giggle biting my thumbnail. “I’m leaving tomorrow. I got a new job out of town.”
He seems baffled but after a second of hesitation his puffy red cheeks swollen even more, and he let out a bright smile. “Congratulations Miss Lords!” he says enthusiastically.
“Thank you!” I reply. “So, I wish ya the best alright?” I smile, and we exchange a polite handshake.
“Thank you, Miss Lords, same to ya!”
I disgustingly realize his cubby palm his sticky and moist, but I try to keep a cordial smile until I turn; and as I walk toward the elevator, I instinctively rub my hand on the front of my coat.