Twenty

Winnie

School’s about as exciting as watching paint dry. Dray’s been quiet all day. Since he insists on sitting behind me in every class, he usually pokes me in the back all day long, laughing every time I turn around and yell at him. Eventually, we’re told to settle down, or we’ll be separated.

I don’t think I’d actually get moved though. None of the teachers have ever seen me with a friend, let alone someone as socially powerful as Dray. I’m the bottom of the food chain in this school, and I think they’re just glad I’m starting to fit in a little bit.

But, today, Dray hasn’t touched me once. Not since the hug this morning in Cindy and Doug’s office. Other than a couple of thank-yous as I passed papers back down the row, you’d never know Dray and I ever spoke.

It’s weird. Weird to the point that I actually miss the annoying pokes and sarcastic banter.

I can’t figure out why he was willing to take the blame for the sex we never had. It doesn’t make sense. Why would he want a target from Cindy and Doug on his back? Having a strike against you at Sunshine Place is the equivalent of being on probation. One wrong move in the future or another false accusation from someone in the house, and we’re out the door.

I can’t speak for Dray, but I can’t afford for that to happen. I got lucky with staying so close to the trailer park, in the same school, and with a life I can stand. The chances of that happening a second time are slim to none. That’s why I need to figure out why Dray didn’t fight back against the accusations. Why is he okay with Raven and Matty walking all over us? They’re the ones in the wrong, not us.

By the time lunch rolls around, I’ve created a million different scenarios in my head about what could have happened to Dray to put him in this funk. Everything from his dad leaving rehab to giving up custody has crossed my mind. Both would destroy Dray, and last night, he looked devastated.

It bothers me so much, I skip meeting Jasper at the locker room and go straight to the cafeteria. He’ll understand that I had to talk to Dray even if he doesn’t like it.

I get as close as the band lunch table before I spot Dray joining the popular crowd at their lunch table in the center of the cafeteria. He, along with everyone else, is oblivious that I’m even in the room.

When he sits down, his friends yell, “Alex!” like he’s a god.

And, just like that, he’s back to being a legend, going by a name he can’t stand.

The pain in his eyes gets overshadowed by the fake smile on his face. None of them see the real Alex or know the heart hidden beneath his expensive clothes. Dray’s become a master at hiding his emotions. You’d never know he’s living a double life, pretending to be someone he’s not.

I’ve never done much pretending. What I feel is etched into my skin. Years of pain and heartache bleed from my cuts, and no matter how many scabs form to level out the regret, another always follows.

I’ll never fit in with any of these people. I’ll always be the girl from the wrong side of the tracks, my story so daunting that they don’t even try to process it. But that’s my fault, too. I’ve never spoken about my life, and if I can make it through a day without being noticed, I’m happy. Dray’s the exact opposite of that. He couldn’t blend in if he tried because a personality that big can’t be tamed, controlled, or kept a secret.

I just wish he’d open up to someone in his group who could actually help him. Someone the exact opposite of me who’d make him see his worth and convince him to own who he is. Someone who’d tell him to be Dray instead of Alex.

Jasper never makes it to our usual spot at the corner table. And, when I get tired of watching Dray, I take a walk outside and end up finding Jasper on a bench, sitting alone, staring at the ground. He doesn’t lift his head until he sees the tips of my shoes in front of him.

“What are you doing out here?”

“Thinking,” he says.

“About?”

“You.”

The butterflies I save for Trey get loose, and I have to look away from Jasper when I say, “What about me?”

“Sit down, Winnie.” His usual playful tone is gone. The one that makes me laugh until my stomach muscles ache.

Serious Jasper makes my hands shake and my legs weak. Not in a good way either. Even sitting next to him makes me anxious.

He clears his throat and angles his body, so he’s facing me. I wish he wouldn’t look at me at all.

“I did something stupid last night, Winnie.”

“Like what?” The kiss.

I almost wish he wouldn’t say a word about it because Melody’s expecting answers tonight. I told her I’d ask around and find out if he had a girlfriend. I already knew the answer to that. Jasper has me, and until I tell him he’s never going to have me, he’ll just keep trying. If I tell him, I might lose him, and I don’t think I’m strong enough to get through that.

“It’s a long story, but I was at the hospital. Well, I didn’t go inside. I sat across the street, trying to find this lady who helped me find you the day you were shot. I’ve thought about her a lot and wanted to thank her.”

“That’s nice of you.”

“She was great. Rode with me on the bus and then walked with me all the way to the emergency room. I was freaking out, like completely losing my mind. I was so messed up on that ride, she thought I was in trouble.”

Jasper’s never talked about the time between the shooting and me waking up. I never asked because I didn’t think it was important. I was shot. Then, I went to surgery. It all seemed pretty cut and dry to me. But Jasper’s complex, and just because nobody’s ever cared about me before doesn’t mean they don’t now.

“Did you find her?”

He shakes his head. “She never came, or maybe I missed her bus.”

“I’m sorry,” I tell him.

“I’ll try another day.”

Another day means he might go back to the coffee shop and see Melody. Melody will see him and expect another kiss, maybe even more. I don’t know how I feel about that. On one hand, it would make Melody really happy, and she deserves that. But I’m undeniably selfish when it comes to Jasper. He’s the only real friend I’ve ever had, and if he replaces me, I could lose that connection completely. No more friendship. No more talks. Nothing.

“Is that all that’s bothering you?”

Without warning, he says, “I kissed this girl at the coffee shop while I was waiting.”

I wasn’t sure he’d tell me about Melody. Now that he has, I’m not sure how to act or what to tell him.

“Maybe that’s why you missed her bus.”

“Ouch,” he says.

“I didn’t mean it like that.” Not intentionally anyway.

“No, I deserved that. But I kissed her before I left. After the last bus on the schedule dropped off its passengers.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?” he repeats. “That’s all I get?”

“What more do you want, Jasper?”

He runs his hands over his face, and the frustration’s palpable. “Something, Winnie. Anything. Everything. I don’t know.”

“That’s a lot of things,” I whisper.

“It is,” he says as he stares over my shoulder into thin air.

I’m glad I can’t hear his thoughts because I’m pretty sure they’d either make me cry or entirely knock me off the bench. “Do you like M—her?” Almost giving her name away, I quickly correct myself.

He doesn’t seem to catch the mistake. After all, what are the chances I’d be roommates with the girl he kissed in a coffee shop across town? It’d make no sense to him, but to me, it’s normal. The universe loves to play games with me.

“We barely talked, and then we were kissing. I know nothing about her other than what she looks like and that she can sing.”

He heard her voice, so it’s no wonder he’s struggling. Melody singing one of her love songs could cripple any guy within a mile radius. She has the looks and the talent. A double threat.

I can’t agree that she’s magical, so I just say, “Okay.”

Jasper immediately rolls his eyes. “I hate when you say that.”

“Why?”

“Because it feels like you don’t care.”

Sliding closer to Jasper, I reach for his hand. Mine’s shaking so bad, he squeezes me harder than normal to steady it.

“I care,” I tell him. “I care about everything you do and everything you say. You’re my only friend in this school.”

“That’s not why you should care.”

“Let me finish. I care because you sat with me in the hospital, never leaving my side unless one of the nurses made you. You barely slept for days, and I think you were forced into a shower at one point. But you never complained about your stiff neck from sleeping in a chair or how much time you’d missed out on in your own life. You’ve kept your bedroom window open every night since you met me, all so I can climb a ladder and get into bed with you when I’m scared. So, that’s why I care, Jasper. I care because you’re you, and you accept me for me.”

“But it’s still not enough, right? You care, but you’ll never want me like you want him.”

“It’s not fair to compare the two of you. If Trey wasn’t in the picture, I’m not sure I’d even still be alive.”

“Don’t say that, Winnie.”

“It’s the truth. There’s no telling where I’d be or the shape I’d be in. Maybe, without him, I’d be with you. It’s possible. Or maybe I’d never have met you at all. So, the what-if game is too hard to play.”

“Can you try?”

The only way Jasper will understand is if he were inside my head. That’s a scary place to be, and all I can do is try to make him understand. I owe him that much.

“I can try.”

He lets go of my hand when I need him to hold me tighter. But I get it. Nobody wants to hear why they’re not good enough while holding on to the person they can’t have.

“It’s not that I don’t care enough about you, Jasper. It’s just that someone else has been in my life longer. Someone I can’t walk away from because they’re my family, my home, my heart, my entire world. In your arms, I’m protected and safe, and I love that. It’s what I need. But Trey’s arms feel more like home than any house ever has. I don’t expect you to understand that, but until I figure it out, I can’t be with anyone else. As long as he’s in my heart, I’ll never be what you need me to be.”

Jasper absorbs my words, and with every syllable processed, his knee bounces a little faster. “I kissed her because I was thinking about you and Trey. I know what you were doing in his trailer yesterday, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. You were in there with a man you loved, and he doesn’t deserve any of it. He’s not good enough for you.”

The lump in my throat builds until I can barely swallow. While Trey was touching me, Jasper was watching the trailer, waiting for me to come out. Even though there were walls between us, I feel like he was in the room with us.

“How did you know?”

“I figured it out,” he says. “It wasn’t hard.”

There are a million things I could say about privacy and boundaries, but they wouldn’t help. Pissing Jasper off more than he already is could be dangerous. I don’t think he’d ever do anything to intentionally hurt me or get me in trouble, but after what happened with Raven, I can’t take any chances.

I leave it with a simple, “Trey’s a good person, Jasper.”

“I wouldn’t go that far,” he says under his breath. “The guy basically lives in hiding. Is that the kind of life you want?”

Explaining myself more than I already have won’t help the situation. No amount of persuasion will ever make Jasper accept Trey. He’ll never get what it’s like to love someone the way Trey and I love each other. I don’t need any man to save me. I need to be found and appreciated, and all Jasper sees is a girl who can’t make it on her own. Trey already knows I can fly.

“I’m sorry,” I tell him as I stand up on shaky legs. And then I take one last look at Jasper. Because, when I walk away, things will never be what they were. I can already tell.

“You can still pick me, Winnie. When he lets you down, I’ll still be there to pick you back up.”

I wish it were that simple. Jasper’s so much more than I deserve, and I hate that I have to hurt him like this. But I do. My heart isn’t going to budge.

“I can’t,” I tell him. “And that’s not going to happen.”

Trey and I have plans. We have an entire future to build as soon as I turn eighteen. What Jasper needs is a girl like Melody who’ll love him the way he deserves to be loved. A girl who isn’t so messed up that she can’t leave the house without looking over her shoulder or feeling the burn of a bullet.