Chapter Sixteen

“Jordan!”

Jordan’s eyes shot open and for a panicked moment he didn’t know where he was. He blinked a few times and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and eventually came to the realization that he was lying on the couch in the Andrews living room where he’d fallen asleep and had the best and most embarrassing sex dream of his life.

Jordan sat up, making sure to pull the blanket with him to obscure any remaining morning wood and glanced down at Lucy who had clearly shaken him awake.

“Good morning,” he said. His voice sounded high pitched and tinny, but Lucy didn’t seem to care.

“Look!” she said, pointing at the stack of presents under the tree. “Santa came.”

“He sure did,” Jordan said with a tight smile. He was still doing his best to quiet his racing heart and shake off the remnants of his dream.

He was absolutely boiling over with mixed emotions. How could he possibly have dreamt all that? And why did he like it so much? Why had everything felt so natural? Was he actually attracted to Noah? Did that make him gay? So many questions and no solid answers, at least not right now.

“Where’s your dad?” Jordan asked, noticing Noah’s absence for the first time.

Lucy shrugged.

“I don’t know. I think he’s still sleeping.”

“Well, are you gonna wake him up?”

Lucy shook her head.

“No. He can sleep a little while longer. I can be patient.”

Jordan narrowed his eyes at her.

“How come you didn’t let me sleep then?”

Lucy looked at him as if he should already know the answer.

“You fell asleep on the couch,” she explained. “You can’t hog up the living room and expect me not to wake you. Besides, it’s your first Christmas. I wanted to show you that Santa came. Look he even ate all the cookies!”

Jordan looked at the crumb-filled plate and pretended to be surprised. He had no idea whether he hit the mark or not. His brain was preoccupied with other things. What if he’d made noise last night? What if Noah had heard him? Would he just let it slide, or would he insist on kicking him out and keeping him away from his daughter as soon as possible? Maybe that was the real reason he hadn’t come downstairs yet. Maybe he was trying to work up the nerve to tell Jordan that he was now homeless.

The whole time he was contemplating this scenario, Lucy was running around making the place cozier. She turned on the TV and put on a new holiday special that Jordan had not seen yet and went into the kitchen to make herself a bowl of cereal. When she returned, she sat down next to Jordan and they quietly watched TV while they waited for Noah to get up. Eventually, Jordan calmed down enough to venture into the kitchen and make a pot of coffee. He poured himself a cup and left the rest for Noah. It was already around two in the morning when he had drifted off and who knew how much later Noah had stayed awake. No wonder he was sleeping in. Jordan was probably just being paranoid, as usual.

Around 8:30, Noah finally appeared, looking almost panic stricken at the thought of sleeping through Christmas morning. Seeing him all amped up and sleep rumpled certainly wasn’t doing Jordan any favors. He was suddenly seeing all their interactions in a different light; the closeness, the touching, the meaningful looks, did it all mean something to Noah, or was he reading too much into this? Noah had never mentioned anything about liking dudes, but that didn’t mean that he didn’t. Just because he had sex with a girl one time and got her pregnant didn’t automatically make him straight for life.

But it shouldn’t have even mattered because Jordan was straight. Wasn’t he?

Jordan got up and poured Noah a cup of coffee just so that he wouldn’t have to look at him for a minute. He dumped a spoonful of sugar into the mug and kept pouring in creamer until it was about the color of the coffee Noah usually drank. Jordan took a deep breath and steeled himself before walking back into the living room and handing the coffee to a very grateful Noah. Jordan was extra careful to make sure their fingers didn’t so much as brush during the exchange.

By now, Lucy had pretty much reached the end of her patience and she was now sitting on the floor beside the Christmas tree and rifling through the boxes, trying to figure out what she wanted to open first. Noah finished his coffee, ran upstairs to get his camera, fiddled with it for a little bit and then finally gave Lucy the go ahead to start ripping open her presents.

The little girl wasted no time. She started with a medium-sized box that read to Lucy from Daddy on the front. Seeing how she massacred the paper, Jordan didn’t feel so bad about his terrible wrapping skills anymore. Presentation was obviously not the name of the Christmas game. Inside the box was a brand spanking new set of acrylic paints that Lucy immediately went nuts over. She kept asking Noah if she could paint a mural in her room with them, much to his dismay.

Next came a handful of books and a couple of sweaters printed with characters from that gay cartoon show she liked. She got one of those new hipster art dolls that had pink and green hair that perfectly matched the walls in Lucy’s room. There was an action figure, a thick pile of comics, some new card games, a giant stuffed llama, a poster for a band that she liked, new ice skates, a small green ukulele, a magic kit, and some glow in the dark stars for her bedroom ceiling.

Jordan marveled at the sheer scope of it all. Was this how Christmas was for most middle class people? Just piles and piles of stuff that you wanted, lovingly curated by the people who knew you the best? If so, no wonder people loved it so much.

Finally, Lucy was down to just one more small box, and Jordan knew exactly what was in it. He risked the tiniest look over at Noah, but the older man was too engrossed in his photography to care.

Lucy took her time with this present, probably because it was the last one. She meticulously peeled back the tape and lifted the corners until she was able to slide out the little white box underneath. She held the box out in the palm of one hand and pulled open the lid with the other. When she saw what was inside, she pulled the race car close to her chest and burst into tears. Noah immediately set down his camera and went to her, placing a soothing arm on her shoulder.

“Sweetheart, what’s wrong?” he asked her. “Is everything all right?”

Lucy sniffled and nodded vigorously.

“It’s just what I wanted,” she whispered in awe. “Santa remembered. I was sure he’d forget because of the shooting, but he remembered.”

Noah cracked a small relieved grin and patted her soothingly on the back.

“So, you like it huh?”

“I love it. It’s perfect. It’s the best present I’ve ever gotten.”

Noah and Jordan shared a brief conspiratorial smile. Noah even mouthed the words ‘thank you’ at him from behind his daughter’s shoulder. Jordan’s heart felt so full and ready to burst in that moment. If he wasn’t careful, he might start crying right along with her.

Jordan watched as Noah stood up and reclaimed his camera, but instead of pointing it at Lucy and her custom car, he turned it on him, snapping off a handful of shots in rapid succession. The sudden attention made Jordan feel weird and self-conscious and he quickly returned his attention to Lucy so that he didn’t have to face the camera.

After the whirlwind of toy opening, they all sat down together on the floor and emptied out their stockings. Lucy got some small toys and some costume jewelry, but mostly candy. Noah had gifted himself a tie and some underwear and a new lens for his camera. Jordan’s was stuffed to the brim with sweet practical things that he actually really needed; new gloves, a toothbrush, hand lotion, socks, new blades for his razor. There was also a sturdy metal bookmark and a thick mass market paperback shoved into the bottom. Jordan flipped the book over and examined it. It was a thriller, much like the books he usually read, but this one was Christmas themed. The title read, Murder at the Christmas Party. Jordan laughed and immediately started thumbing through it.

“Where did you find this?” he asked.

“The checkout lane at the grocery store,” Noah admitted. “I saw it and it reminded me of the books you had sitting on your table back at the hospital. I figured since it was Christmas-y, there was a good chance you’d never read it before.”

Jordan suddenly understood a little bit of what Lucy had been feeling when she opened her toy car. He had the urge to hold this book close and never let it go.

“Thank you,” he said, voice choked with emotion. He just wished that he’d been able to get them both something in return.

“You’re welcome,” Noah said. “But don’t get too comfortable yet. You still have two more presents to open.”

Jordan nearly did a double take.

“Wait, what?”

“You have two more presents to open,” Noah repeated. “One from me and one from Lucy.”

“I wanna go first!” Lucy shouted around a mouthful of chocolate.

She reached behind the Christmas tree where there were still a few unopened packages. Jordan had assumed these were for Noah and Lucy’s other friends and family, not for him. He took the gift Lucy handed over to him with trembling fingers. He ran his thumb along the shiny silver paper and looked up at Lucy. She was standing in front of him with her hands clasped in anticipation.

“Open it,” she urged.

Jordan did as she asked. It felt like he was moving in slow motion. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d opened an actual wrapped present like this. The tearing of the paper sounded foreign to his ears.

Once the paper was cast aside, Jordan was left with a small hand-painted picture frame with green and blue stripes. Inside was a photograph of him and Lucy sitting and playing cards by the fireplace. Lucy had a huge grin on her face and he was politely smiling back at her, pretending like she hadn’t just given away the contents of her hand with her expression. It was such a simple and quiet moment between the two of them. Jordan hadn’t even known Noah had taken this picture.

“I designed the frame and picked out the picture,” Lucy informed him. “Do you like it?”

Jordan gave her one of his rare wide smiles. He couldn’t believe this kid. She was literally the best.

“Yes Lucy. It’s wonderful. You did such a good job on it. Thank you.”

Lucy beamed at him.

Now it was Noah’s turn to stand up and rifle around behind the tree. He pulled out a small box and walked with it in the direction of the kitchen, gesturing for Jordan to follow. Jordan very carefully set down his picture frame and wiped his palms on his pajama pants before heading that way. Lucy ignored him and went back to playing with her new toys.

In the kitchen, Noah was leaning against the island with the present in his outstretched hand.

“I kinda wanted to give you this in private,” he said.

Heat spiked through Jordan’s body and he had to bite the inside of his cheek to make sure that he wasn’t dreaming. He reached out and took the box.

“Why?” he asked.

Noah bit his lip.

“Just open it, and then I’ll explain.”

“No, I meant, why did you get me a gift in the first place? You’ve already done so much for me. I don’t know how I can ever repay you.”

Noah’s nervous expression melted into fondness.

“And you’ve done so much for us too. And you don’t have to repay Christmas presents anyway, so shut up and open it.”

Jordan sucked in a breath and peeled back the paper to reveal a box not unlike the one he had stored Lucy’s race car in. Inside was a sparkling silver watch.

Jordan replaced the lid and shook his head.

“No,” he whispered. “I can’t take this.”

He tried to hand the box back to Noah, but Noah took out the watch and placed it firmly in Jordan’s palm, closing his fingers around it. The cold polished metal bit into Jordan’s skin. He felt anxious just having something so nice and undoubtedly expensive on his person.

“I didn’t buy it for you,” Noah explained. “It was my grandfather’s. He left it to me when he died.”

“That doesn’t make it any better!” Jordan interjected.

“Shhh. Let me finish. He left it to me when he died, and he said in his will that I wasn’t allowed to sell it, no matter how desperate I got. He wanted me to pass it along to someone special someday. Someone I cared deeply for who would appreciate the hard work that went into acquiring it. I don’t think I’ll ever find someone who fits that description as well as you do.”

Jordan once again found himself at a loss for words.

“But...why?” he finally eked out.

“Because,” Noah said. “You deserve something nice in your life. I don’t have thousands of extra dollars to give you to help with all those bills, but I do have this watch, which is worth about six grand. And I want you to have it. I don’t care if you sell it or pawn it, whatever. It’s been sitting in the back of my closet for years anyway. It’s yours now, so please take it.”

At this, Noah let go of Jordan’s fist, leaving him with the object. Jordan slowly uncurled his fingers to get a better look at the watch. There were tears in his eyes.

“Thank you,” he said again. He felt like a broken record today.

“Merry Christmas Jordan,” Noah said.

They were the same words that he had said to him in his naughty dream, which still hadn’t faded from his thoughts like his dreams usually did. Jordan found more than anything that he just wanted to stretch up on his tiptoes and plant a kiss on Noah’s mouth…

Jordan shook his head. He had to stop this. What was wrong with him? This was no way to pay Noah back for all his kindness and generosity. Jordan wiped his face with the back of his free hand.

“I uh, I’m not feeling too well. I think I’m going to go lie down for a bit before I head over to the hospital.”

“Oh, okay,” Noah said. To his credit, he only looked the slightest bit disappointed. “Do you want me to make breakfast first? Lucy usually asks for Christmas pancakes.”

Jordan shook his head. His eyes were stinging even more now and the longer he stood here, the less likely he was to hold in all his fear, confusion and love.

“No,” he said. “That’s okay. I’ll see you later.”

At that, Jordan excused himself and all but ran down to the basement where he set Noah’s Grandfather’s watch on the bedside table and buried his face into a pillow.