Chapter Twenty-Nine
When I got back to the dorm, campus police crowded the hall. I shouldered through them to my room, opening the door to the mess inside. Not a mess, exactly, but my packed belongings. It was my life that was the real mess. There wasn’t any reason to hang around anymore. Even though the team knew, my test results would be all over campus by morning, especially after Seth’s arrest. At least, I assumed they arrested him.
I turned at a knock on the doorframe. Chuck still looked pissed, but he came to see me. That had to mean something.
“Need some help?” he asked.
Or maybe he just wanted me off campus. I nodded. The numbness had crept up my fingers into my elbow. I doubted I could carry much with how weak it felt. Together we loaded my truck in silence. Once the last bag was stashed, Chuck turned to leave.
“Wait.” I practically begged. Chuck stopped and faced me. “I know I don’t deserve to ask, but can you do me a favor?”
He cocked an eyebrow but didn’t say no.
“Will you keep an eye on Mallory? She’s going to need a friend.”
Chuck squinted at me, trying to find an angle. “She dumped you?”
“I fucked up, man, but more so with her than anyone.” I ran my hand over my face to try to gain some form of composure. It didn’t work. “You remember that high school coach who died in a car crash with his kid? The steroid scandal?”
“Yeah, Verbach. He was drugging his…” Chuck’s eyes widened. “Oh, fuck.”
I snorted. That was an understatement. “Just watch out for her. She didn’t deserve this.”
Chuck nodded and stared over my shoulder. “Why’d you bust Seth?” He dropped his gaze to mine. “You could’ve just left and let sleeping dogs lie.”
“He gave me that bottle of B-12, but there weren’t any vitamins in it. I stopped doping well before the drug screen, Chuck. He set me up.” I shoved my hands in my pockets and stared at the brick of my dorm. “Besides, who would Seth sell to next? Rosenthal? Murray? Or any of the other guys?” I leaned against the truck and shook my head. “I couldn’t let somebody else fuck up their lives like I did. It’s not worth it.”
“No, it’s not.” Chuck leaned against the truck beside me. “They found his stash. He’s busted for having illegal drugs on campus, but nobody else came forward about him dealing. You willing to testify against him when the time comes?”
“Yeah.” I stood a little straighter. It was the least I could do to get the ’roids off the campus. Maybe something good could come from this. My heartbeat played my ribs like a xylophone. “Yeah, let Coach know, would you? And Ross?”
Chuck nodded. He pushed off the truck and stood in front of me, holding out his hand. “Good luck, Aaron.”
I tried to lift my left hand. My arm wouldn’t move. I stared at it as if that would make it work.
“You okay?”
Electricity shot down my arm, setting my skin on fire. I grabbed my arm and reached for Chuck.
I knew my heart stopped beating.
The monitor beeped steadily. I blinked my eyes, blinded by the fluorescent lights above me. The disinfectant hit my nose. I hated the smell of hospitals. I hated why I was here.
“Hello, Mr. Betts.” The voice had that eerily familiar sound.
I glanced over and met the steady gaze of the same doc who treated me last time I was here. When Seth dropped me off and ran. When I snuck out without even telling them who I was. Shit. I closed my eyes, willing all of today to just fucking disappear.
“Had you stayed the last time, we could’ve prevented this.”
“I should’ve.” My voice was harsh and dry, like all I’d had to eat was gravel.
“Yes, but that’s in the past. Let’s get your future started.” I glanced at him. There was a warm smile, the first I’d seen. “Your family’s here. They want to see you.”
I nodded and pushed the button raising my bed. “What happened?”
“Ventricular fibrillation leading to cardiac arrest.” He crossed his hands at the wrists and rocked on his heels. “You’ll be fine, but your heart needs to be taken better care of. We’ll get you set up with a cardiologist.”
I swallowed hard. Not even twenty-two and my heart wasn’t working right. This was my fault. God, I’d screwed up my life so much. For no reason. No real fucking reason.
“What did you take, Aaron?” Doc’s voice held an ounce of sympathy surrounded by the coldness of my reality.
“HGH and anabolic steroids.” I sighed. “I only took them for a month or so, but the guy who got me the stash gave me a bottle of what I thought were B-12 supplements. I took those for another month. And took more than I should have.”
“So, you’re saying this isn’t your fault?”
My head snapped toward him. “No, I’m not. I doped. I made the decision. He may have screwed me over with that bottle, but I started it. Either way, it’s all my fault.”
He nodded. “Good. At least you recognize that.”
“Yeah, boy.” Dad’s voice filled the room.
I closed my eyes for a moment before facing him. The doctor slipped out of the room, past my father who stood alone at the door. Disappointment covered his face like deck paint.
“Why?” He still hadn’t stepped into the room.
“To play.”
“Why?”
“Because I didn’t want to redshirt. Because I was greedy. Because I wanted to be on the field. Because I didn’t care about anything but baseball.” I paused and stared at him. “Because I didn’t want to end up…like you.”
Dad snorted. “I ain’t got heart problems, boy. You do.”
Tears welled in my eyes. In all my life, I’d never cried in front of my father. He was tough, manly. It wasn’t something he’d tolerate. I blinked hard, willing them to stop. They didn’t. Once they started, they wouldn’t stop. I opened my eyes. Dad had moved into the room and stood at the foot of the bed. His hands pressed into the metal footboard. His fingers were whiter than fresh snow.
“We could’ve lost you, boy.” His voice hitched, making my tears flow faster.
“You didn’t. And you won’t.”
He moved around to the side and wrapped his arms around me. “No, we won’t.”
I don’t know how long we sat like that before two more sets of arms joined us. Mom and Chelsea cried as I confessed again. Then we talked about what happened next. Basically, I was going home. Because of my participation in bringing down Seth, who, it turned out, had sold steroids since his freshman year to other athletes and to regular guys, the university would allow me to stay enrolled but online only. I could still finish my business degree on time. I just wasn’t allowed to set foot on campus. Not even for graduation.
Mom and Dad stepped out to talk to the doctor about my release, leaving my little sister alone with me.
“Guess New York seems tame in comparison now?” I joked, trying to lighten the mood.
“This isn’t funny.” She sat on the edge of my bed. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d seen Chelsea without makeup or her hair perfectly styled. She was a mess.
“I know.” I couldn’t look at her. My father’s disappointment was enough. I didn’t need to see it on my little sister. “Just don’t fuck up your life like I have mine, sis. I’ve lost everything.”
“Not everything. You’ve still got us.”
I huffed a laugh. “Yeah, and nothing else. I’ll never play ball again. I’ll never get that feeling of walking onto the field again. And I’ll never see Mallory again.”
Chelsea took my hand. “She was here.”
God, what had I done to her?
“She told me everything. Aaron, there was no way you could’ve known about her family the way she kept it all bottled up. You’re still an idiot, though.”
I nodded, but the pressure building on my chest wouldn’t let me speak.
“She loves you, you know?”
“But it’s not enough.” The words choked out of my throat.
“No, not this time. Can you blame her?”
“Blame’s all on me, sis. All on me.”
Mom and Dad came back in with a nurse. I closed my eyes, willing darkness to come. Willing the pain, the heartache, and the reality away.
Nothing like that would ever happen. I’d have to live with my decisions. And I’d live with them alone.