Chapter Eighteen
The letters blurred on the screen, blending into one another until I couldn’t tell where one word ended and the next began. Heat surged through my veins, sending my heart on a high-speed chase in my chest. It echoed in my ears, vibrated down my legs. The room started spinning.
What the hell was going on?
I tried to push myself to my feet, but my left arm gave out. My heart sped up until I couldn’t recognize one beat from the next.
This wasn’t right. Nothing was. Pressure built in my body as if I were underwater.
Then it stopped.
The rapid-fire pulse in my chest seized. Electricity shot down my arm.
The beat returned, not as fast, but not like normal. Who knows how fast their heart beats? I was aware of it after running or working out, but this was a whole other ballgame.
I managed to get to my feet and stumbled out into the hall. Seth just happened to be strolling by as my legs gave out.
“Whoa, man, what’s wrong?” Real concern laced his voice.
“Hospital.” It sounded foreign on my tongue and barely audible.
“Shit, yeah, let’s go.”
Seth held me up as we ran to his car. Hell, he pulled me. My feet recognized my brain’s commands ten seconds behind. The racing in my chest sped back to hyperdrive, then skipped again as I collapsed in the passenger seat of Seth’s Chevy.
“Fuck me.” I yelled as loud as my hoarse voice would allow. “Hurry, Seth, I’m…”
It skipped again. I screamed as darkness filled my vision.
The steady beat of a heart monitor woke me. I had no idea how long I was out. The last thing I remembered was fire in my veins. Seth must’ve made it to the hospital on time. I thought I was dying. I’d actually hoped at one point that I would die just to stop the pain.
“Ah, you’re awake.”
I sat up enough to see a young doctor stroll into the room. His white lab coat hung past his knees, and round frames perched on his nub of a nose. He adjusted them, glaring at me through the thick lenses.
“You want to tell me what happened?” He stopped beside the bed, crossing his arms. It might’ve been an attempt at intimidation, but it failed.
“I don’t know. You’re the doc. You tell me.” Glass cut through my throat.
He shook his head and reached for the flimsy plastic cup on a tray table. “Drink this.”
The water was lukewarm on my tongue and ice cold on my swollen throat.
“So you’ve never been diagnosed with heart arrhythmia?”
I shook my head. Stars collided in my vision. This was worse than a hangover. My skull felt underwater.
He crossed his arms again. “You taking anything?”
Here it was, my chance to confess. I could tell him about the steroids, the HGH. Did I want that? It wasn’t cheating, since the season hadn’t started yet. It wasn’t cheating, since I only needed the PEDs to heal. It wasn’t cheating.
“You’ve got elevated levels of testosterone in your blood.” He tapped a folder against his leg.
“Prednisone,” I said, pointing to my knee.
He shook his head. “That doesn’t affect the testosterone levels. Try again.”
I opened my mouth, then closed it. What could I say? If I admitted it, he’d tell Coach Hummel or worse—the athletic director. Then I would be done.
“Look.” The doc let his arms fall and sighed. “I can’t prove you’re taking steroids, but you and I both know you’re on something. The only thing I can prove is that you’ve got a heart arrhythmia and high testosterone. You need to see a cardiologist. This isn’t an isolated incident. It will happen again. And whatever you’re taking will only make it worse.”
“I’m not taking anything,” I whispered. The lie tasted like sour milk.
The doctor shook his head. “Bullshit.” He stared at the chart in his hand. “The nurse will be in to get all your information. Do you have insurance?”
I nodded. My parents had great insurance.
“What’s your name?”
The reality sunk in slowly. He had no idea who I was. There was no way to report me to the school. No way to get me kicked off the team. I could sneak out of here without worrying about getting busted. I closed my eyes and lied through my teeth. “Trent Mitchell.”
“Okay, Trent. I’m going to keep you overnight for observation. I’ll have the nurse bring a list of cardiologists to check out. I recommend scheduling an appointment as soon as possible.” He jotted something in the chart. “And stop taking whatever you’re taking. It’s probably what caused this attack in the first place.”
He spun on his heel and left the room. I had to get out of here. Now.
It took some maneuvering, but I managed to find my clothes and get dressed. As soon as I could, I took off the monitors and slipped out the door as the buzzer sounded. Thankfully, my room was toward the front of the hall, and my escape happened right at a shift change. I blended into a crowd leaving the hospital and disappeared before they could catch me.
My dad’s face, filled with disappointment, flashed in my mind.
God, what had I done?
Saturday night, I sat in my truck before going to dinner. I’d taken the HGH in the morning out of habit. The realization of what I’d done soured my stomach. I should’ve purged then and there, but I didn’t. The ER doc said I had a heart arrhythmia. A Google search this afternoon put my mind at ease. It’s not always serious, but I needed to stop this shit. Clean out my system then talk to coach about the condition.
I’d gone to the showers at the end of the hall and dumped the remaining three pills into the toilet. The vial had weighed in my hand like lead. It was harder than I’d expected. When I threw the other vials and pills away, I’d felt free, but that was only because I’d kept a small stash. Swallowing hard, I’d tipped the vial over and poured the liquid over the pills. The door to the restroom opened, and I’d slammed the lever, flushing them into the sewer. The only way I could get more would be Seth. That was a rabbit hole I wasn’t going down again.
I clutched my chest, more aware of my heartbeat than ever. It was steady, normal. I’d have to see a doctor about it. As soon as the PEDs were out of my system.
This time I was done with them for good.
The hot shower cleared my head. I spent more time on my hair than my little sister, and that was saying a lot. Then I went to my closet and felt like a schmuck. Nothing seemed right. I finally decided on a blue button-down and jeans. Casual, but not too casual. At least I didn’t try on “outfits” like Chelsea. I just stared until I picked out a shirt. Probably would’ve taken the same length of time.
I drove to Mallory’s faster than the law allowed. It was stupid, really. Nothing had been resolved between us, but it seemed like things were moving in the right direction. The memory of her brief kiss set my pulse into a dance that had nothing to do with any fucking arrhythmia. Unfortunately, Jason Carter answered the door after I knocked.
“Those for me?” he asked, pointing to the bouquet of daisies I’d brought for Mallory.
“Bend over and you can have them.” I gritted my teeth through the smile. Mallory told me he was just a friend, but something about him set me on edge. Maybe it was the money. Or the fact that he could give Mallory everything she ever dreamed of with the money.
Carter laughed and slapped me on the shoulder, pulling me through the door. He was bigger in person than on TV, not that I was a slouch, but the guy had about twenty-five pounds of muscle on me. At least we were the same height.
“I like him, Rat,” he said as Mallory stood in the small kitchen with her hands on her hips. Mickey wove between her feet. Carter turned back to me. “Heard you play ball. What position?”
“If you heard that much, I’m sure you know I’m in center.” I shrugged his hand off my shoulder and strode up to Mallory.
Her smile could power the stars. “For me?”
“No, they’re for Carter. I knew he’d probably be here.” I loosened my grip, hoping I hadn’t crushed the stems. They wouldn’t stand right in a vase, and I’d look cheap. Lose-lose for me.
Carter’s hand fell back on my shoulder, yanking me away from Mallory. “You got that right. I’ll always be here.”
“Stop it, Cutter,” Mallory snapped. I’d seen that expression before. She was ready to break him in half. And I had a feeling that it was a pretty common occurrence with these two. She turned her gaze to me, and I swear I shrunk three inches beneath it. “You, too, Aaron.”
“What’d I do?” I felt like a teenager called out for throwing a spitball in Chemistry. Okay, I had thrown the spitball, but that wasn’t the point.
“Play nice.” Her eyes darted to Jason. “Both of you.”
Carter moved toward her and kissed her cheek. “Anything for you, Rat.”
I clenched my fists, my jaw, hell even my ass puckered at the way he put his lips on her skin. I had to take my mind off it, so I focused on the second most annoying thing. “What’s with the nicknames?”
Carter picked up the cat and held him like a football. Mickey purred as Jason scratched under his chin. “Oh, we’ve known each other forever. Mallory used to rat me out when I did something wrong.”
“And I had a lisp when I was younger, so Carter sounded more like Cutter.” Something altered in Mallory’s voice. The sweet story made her sad. “Anyway, it just sort of stuck.”
We stood in silence, eyeing one another. I didn’t like how Carter looked at Mallory one bit. Shifting to my left, I noticed the light glint off something behind the jackass. I glanced around him and nearly jizzed on myself.
In two steps, I stood in front of the World Series MVP trophy. It shone in the dim light of the kitchen; the large silver band spiraled toward the sky on small silver pillars. The black base was thicker than I imagined. Fingerprints marred the plaque that inscribed the honor.
“You can touch it,” Carter said with a hint of amusement in his voice. He set Mickey on the couch. “I don’t mind.”
It dawned on me Carter wasn’t just some guy after Mallory, and regardless of what she said, he had the hots for her, but he was a pro. I lifted the trophy like it was the Holy Grail. It was heavier than expected, which, for some dumbass reason, made me laugh.
That was the tension breaker. Mallory came up beside me and touched my arm. Heat surged along my skin through my chest. My breath got lost somewhere between the inhale and exhale.
She grinned, and a twinkle ricocheted in her eyes. I’d give anything to see her light up like that again. “I knew you’d like holding the trophy.”
So that was the real reason she invited Carter over. The relief must have shown on my face. Jason took the trophy from my hands and placed it back on the table, rubbing the silver plaque with the hem of his T-shirt. He smiled, shaking his head as if he still couldn’t believe that it was his. Turning to face us, he smiled. “Come on, let’s talk baseball. Mallory says you’ve got what it takes. Is she bullshitting me?”
I followed him into the living room, sitting at the opposite end of the couch. Mallory brought a chair in from her small kitchen and sat near my end. Mickey jumped onto Jason’s lap, curling into a ball and purring contentedly. At least he was happy. I couldn’t stop staring at Mallory. She’d seen me play? That was the only explanation for it. But when? Did she go to one game or more? And why would she lie about something like that?
“Mallory never misses a game, Betts.” Carter answered my unasked questions. I glanced over as he dropped his arm over the back of the couch. He sneered as he lifted his eyebrows. “Didn’t she tell you that?”
“Stop it, Jason,” Mallory said.
I couldn’t look at her for some reason. My feet were much more interesting; besides, I didn’t want to see her expression. “You go to every game?”
“No, not every game.” Mallory spoke like she was walking on glass.
“I don’t get it. What’s the problem?” Carter asked.
Mallory’s feet edged closer to mine. “Right now, you are, Jason.” She nudged my foot. “Are you okay?”
I shrugged. This was stupid. It shouldn’t bother me that she’d seen me play. Hell, I should be thrilled she’d told Jason Carter that I had enough skill to make the big leagues. But, knowing what she’d said and how she’d reacted before, it felt like another betrayal. I’d walked around her feelings this entire time, while she couldn’t be honest with me. I knew Mallory had held a lot of things back from me, but something as simple as going to a fucking baseball game?
Mallory’s hand found mine, and she squeezed. As much as I loved her touch, I pulled away.
“Anyway,” Carter said, dragging the word out like a knife to cut the tension. “Maybe we could hit the cages over the winter. I’d like to see this sweet swing you’ve got.”
I turned toward him and forced a smile. “That’d be great.”
For the next few hours, Jason and I went back and forth about the game. Mallory would interject with a few well-thought comments, but my hurt feelings wouldn’t dissipate so easily, and I ignored her. I was being an ass and I knew it, but why would she lie about fucking baseball? It was almost midnight when Jason left. Any rivalry I felt was long gone once we started talking. Turned out he had a girl back in St. Louis he was pretty serious about. He just let the media continue to believe he was hung up on someone in Madison. We set up a time to hit the cages for later in the week. I had to admit, it would be pretty cool to swing with a pro.
Mallory closed the door and leaned against it, resting her head on the oak.
“I don’t understand why you’re mad at me,” she said.
It took more strength than I thought I had not to scoop her into my arms so she’d feel better. “I don’t understand why you lied to me.”
“What’re you…” She closed her eyes when she realized what I meant. The night I asked her to watch game one of the NLCS she’d said, “I don’t watch baseball” loud and clear. “I…Aaron, I…”
Either she didn’t know what to say or she didn’t know how to say it. Maybe it was time she understood how patient I’d been. She already knew I loved her. Maybe she needed to know how long I’ve felt that way. I sat back on the couch and stared at the floor. “The first time I saw you in the library, I had a hard time paying attention because I was mesmerized by how smart and beautiful you are. You were very clear about your feelings for baseball players and the game in general. I thought if I gave you time, and if you got to know me, that might change. I figured I’d get to know you, too.”
Mallory moved toward the other end of the couch. I watched her socked feet shuffle across the hardwood floor. She didn’t say anything as the cushion gave to her slight weight.
“I never hid anything from you, Mallory, but you’ve kept almost everything from me.” I swallowed the knot clogging my throat.
“I know.”
“Do you?” I finally looked up to meet her gaze. Her eyes were dry, her expression like stone. I’d seen that look before and, after last night, I never thought I’d see it from her again. She came to me so I would know she wasn’t with Jason. If she didn’t have even one iota of feeling for me, she wouldn’t have bothered. “Don’t.”
“Don’t what?” she asked.
“Don’t shut down on me because I’m not happy about something. Don’t shut me out.” I watched her stiffen. The rage had died inside me before Jason left, but the hurt hadn’t faded. Knowing Mallory’s skittish behavior, I kept my voice calm. It was a struggle, but I somehow managed. “You once said that you were trying to protect me. I don’t think that’s true. You’re trying to prevent yourself from getting hurt again. I don’t know who hurt you or why, but I’m not them. I’m not going anywhere.”
“You’re not leaving?” Uncertainty tainted her soft voice.
Shaking my head, I said, “Not unless you want me to. And I hope you don’t want me to.”
Mallory’s stone facade crumbled like the walls of Jericho. She leaped across the couch, landing in my arms. God, I loved being her comfort.
“I know that you need time, love. I get that, but please don’t lie to me.” The image of my parents popped into my head. All these years, how much of that was a lie? And what about yesterday? Lying by omission was just as bad, wasn’t it? “That’s all I ask.”
Mallory nodded against my shirt and said, “Mom and Dad are gone. Grandma left me. Jason left. Amie left. And D—” She paused and added, “Everyone I love leaves me.”
“I’m not going anywhere.” I kissed the top of her head, wishing she’d tell me more and knowing she told me a lot. “This is where I want to be. Right here with you.”
We stayed like that for a while, neither one talking. I rocked her in my arms until she shoved me away.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t…” She put a pillow’s distance between us. “I’m not…”
I lifted my hand to brush away a wayward curl but let it fall to my knee when I saw the panic in her eyes. “I get it.” My mouth crooked in a half smile. “I’m a patient man.”
Her shoulders didn’t relax, and she didn’t smile. It wasn’t giving me the warm and fuzzies.
“What?” I asked. No reason to hold back now. I’d laid it all on the line for this girl. It was up to her. She’d made strides, but something stopped her every single time we came close to this amazing thing we could have. Maybe I was fooling myself, but I didn’t believe that.
“What if…” She closed her eyes. When they opened, her emotions flowed like swirls of light in her irises. “What if I’m never ready for anything more than what we have now?”
That may have been the question she asked, but it wasn’t the one she meant. If I’d learned anything from Chuck over the last few years, it was to read between the lines. “And what if you are? Do you really want to give up before trying?”
She shook her head.
“Like I said, love, I’m a patient man.” My voice remained steady as my swing, but my nerves shattered inside. She was going to close herself off again.
“I don’t let many people in. You know that already,” she finally said. Her eyes were directed to the rug, and she shifted from her left foot to her right, pausing before shifting back. “Nobody knows as much about me as you, and that scares me.”
“Carter knows you.” I tried to keep the jealousy out of my voice but failed miserably. Mallory shook her head, and I knew in my heart there wasn’t anything but friendship between them. It didn’t stop the ugly green monster from rearing its head and baring its fangs.
“He knows about me. But he doesn’t know the little things, like you do.”
“Like how you don’t blurt out an answer because you need to think about all the angles.” She nodded and I continued. “Like how you hum under your breath when you’re reading or how your handwriting changes based on your mood. Like how you suck in your lower lip when you’re concentrating.”
Mallory swallowed and raised her head. “Just because he’s known me my whole life doesn’t mean he knows who I am anymore. He’s been gone for a long time.” She closed her eyes and kept them closed as she let the words out. “Jason was my brother’s best friend. I…I had a brother. He died when my parents were killed.”
I stood and walked toward her. Mallory was as tense as a lion on the verge of pouncing. I held out my hand. She had to make this choice. She had to decide if she wanted my arms around her. I couldn’t do it for her. It took longer than I expected, but she reached for me and slid her hand in mine.
I didn’t say anything. There wasn’t anything to say. My family was far from perfect, especially with the recent revelations, but we stuck together. Knowing Mallory had to go through losing hers when she was only fourteen, knowing she’d finally opened the door and let me in, knowing she was willing, it healed me. It healed us.
“If I could make it better…but I can’t,” I said. It seemed like a stupid thing to say, but it needed to be said. “If I could…”
She tried to smile, but it fell the minute it hit her face. “Jason was there. So was Amie. They were the only ones who stuck by me.”
“How so?” Squeezing her fingers, I lifted my other hand to wipe the tears from her cheeks.
“I lost everything. The house was sold for restitution. The cars, the furniture. Everything was gone.” She leaned against my palm as her voice hitched on her words. “Grandma took me in. I had nowhere else to go.” Her voice dropped to a breath. “And I’m terrified it will happen again. It’s easier to be alone. Nobody can hurt me when I’m alone.”
Restitution? I thought the accident wasn’t their fault? My heart broke for her. I couldn’t change her past as much as I wanted to, but I could promise her a future. I opened my mouth to do just that when she continued.
“You…God, Aaron, losing you would…. I can’t stand…” She let go of my hand and rubbed her face, muffling her words. Pursing her lips, she stood and began pacing the living room. “I know I’ve pushed you away. I know how frustrating it must be, and I’m sorry. There’s so much…darkness behind me. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to remember it, because sometimes that’s all I do. I lie in bed at night and relive getting the news. Then the reality of what happened. It’s been seven years since this all started, but it feels like yesterday.”
She backed away from me until her shoulders hit the door. I didn’t follow her.
“I can’t go through that again.”
Nodding, I crossed my arms. “Okay. I get that.”
“You do?”
“Yeah, I understand why you’re scared.” I dropped my arms and stood, walking over to her. She pressed herself against the door, but there wasn’t anywhere for her to go. No escape. “But you’re not living. You’re surviving. You’re getting through each day in one barely held together piece. Then you relive everything that happened as if you’re still fourteen.”
“You don’t—”
“Know everything. Yeah, I get that, too.” I pressed my forehead to hers. My hands found her hips and pulled her against me. We fit so well together, so perfectly. I needed to remind her of how that felt. The time for words was over. I wrapped my arms around her and kissed her gently.
She melted against me. That’s when I knew it would be okay. Everything was going to be perfect.
I pulled away from her. “I don’t want bits of you. I want all of you, darkness included.”
“You know how I…” Her voice hitched and she inhaled deeply before continuing. Her fingers curled around the locket she hadn’t taken off since I’d met her. “My brother… His name was Danny.”
I squeezed her against me but kept my mouth shut. A little bubble of joy filled my chest. Not that her family had died, but because she wasn’t holding back. Everything she’d hidden was going to get laid out in front of me. Finally, Mallory trusted me. It was a fragile gift.
“Dad coached Danny’s high school baseball team. They loved it more than anything. Every chance they got, they’d go to a game somewhere. They were on their way back from a baseball game in Iowa City. Dad was stopped on a two-lane road to make a left when a tractor-trailer rear-ended the car. They spun into the other lane and were hit by a truck.” With each word her voice grew softer. “Baseball always came first.”
“I am so sorry.” I kissed her forehead and waited patiently for her to continue. The floodgates had opened. And I knew there was no way that was all there was to the story. Baseball had always been first. No wonder she hated it.
“Mom and Dad… They said they died on impact. Danny died on the way to the hospital.” She turned her face into my chest, and I could feel the tears sliding from her cheeks onto my shirt. “They were organ donors, so the doctors ran some standard tests. Danny had unusually high levels of testosterone. Grandma found needles in his room. They weren’t really hidden, either. Just in a drawer by his bed.”
Panic welled in my chest, but I fought to keep my breathing even. She could never find out. Never. Thank God, I’d stopped taking that shit. She’d never forgive me.
“It didn’t take long before other members of the team came forward about using. Dad had been drugging some of the guys for years. Cutter and a handful of others hadn’t taken anything, but they knew what was going on.”
I searched my memory, but nothing came to mind about a Coach Fine drugging his players. Then it hit me over the head like a sledgehammer. “Your last name isn’t Fine, is it?”
Mallory shook her head. “It’s Verbach.”
The story made the national news. Coach Henry Verbach provided HGH and anabolic steroids to his team, drugging them into state champions. His only son had been ranked as the best player in the state of Iowa. He was supposed to go in the first round of the draft, but the accident happened. That’s when the truth came out. The other players came forward. Including Jason Carter.
The second sledgehammer shattered my chest. Carter’s tattoo 23V32. “Game seven. You were upset. Was that because—?”
She nodded. “Their numbers. Dad was 23. Danny 32. Jason thought he honored them with that, but he shouldn’t have done it. They didn’t deserve it.”
I wrapped both arms around Mallory. How could anybody do that to their kid? I didn’t realize the story was going to get worse.
“It started Danny’s freshman year when he just missed the top fifty Iowa players list. Dad started him on supplements, and it went from there.” Mallory put her hand on my chest and slid it up to my neck. “He was a great player. He didn’t need to do any of it to get drafted. I…don’t understand why he did it. And I’ll never get the chance to ask him.”
My eyes shut tight, wanting desperately to not hear this and knowing I had to.
“Did I ever tell you how jealous I am of you and Chelsea?” Mallory lifted her head and met my gaze. “You guys are best friends and love each other. With Danny, it felt like every day of my life was a competition. Dad did everything for him, but he… I don’t think he ever came to a softball game. Mom tried, but more often than not she’d end up going to watch Danny.”
I tried to keep the fear out of my eyes.
Mallory’s sad smile broke my heart even more. “Now do you understand why I have issues with baseball?”
Reluctantly, I nodded. What her father did, he did for the love of the game. He did it for baseball. Just like I did. God, she could never find out. It would destroy her. Had I known, I never would’ve touched the stuff. I shouldn’t have to begin with, but I did. I couldn’t change that. The only thing I could do was keep this one little secret from her.
After months of trying to get her to share her secrets, I had one of my own. One I could never, ever share.