PHOENIX STOOD IN front of the Guardians’ compound again, there to feed Dante, like she had a little less than a month ago. But so much had changed since then.
She rubbed her thumb over the key Dante had given her, staring at it. It didn’t seem right to use it to go in. She and Dante hadn’t talked much since her failed heat, and it seemed like a violation for her to walk into his home, unannounced.
The truth was, she was early to feed Dante. It hadn’t been a month yet, but she was afraid that Dante would feed from someone else if she didn’t get there first.
It probably made her sound like a crazy person since she’d been blowing Dante off for the last week. After all, why would she want to feed him if she was evading him? But she just couldn’t stomach the image of him feeding from another female. And, now that she’d had these encounters every month, it had satisfied her cat’s need for skin-to-skin contact that all shifters required. She didn’t want that with anyone else.
And what about picturing him having sex with another female, Phoenix? her stupid brain taunted.
That was just something she was going to have to not think about.
Phoenix pocketed the key and raised her hand to knock on the door.
Dante smelled her before she even rapped her knuckles on his bedroom door. The scent of sunshine and female cat-shifter tickled his nose and hurt his heart.
He threw his book on the bed as he stood and said, “Come in.”
The door opened, and the sight of Phoenix walking into his room caused him to close his eyes and hold his breath for a second. She’d been all but avoiding him since he confronted her a week ago after her heat. He’d thought that she just needed time, but he could see now that the old Phoenix was back. He had tried to prepare himself to see her again, but he realized it was going to be harder than he’d thought.
Dante opened his eyes, met Phoenix’s eyes, and sighed. “Why are you here, Phoenix?”
Phoenix thought that was obvious. “I came here to feed you.”
“It’s not time for me to feed yet.” Dante’s eyes were hard.
She had never seen him like this. At least, not toward her.
She lifted her chin, trying to not let his mood affect her. “I know I’m early, but I figured, why not?”
He lifted an eyebrow, clearly not believing her bullshit.
“So, that’s it? You came here to feed me, and then you’re going to go back home and hide?”
She scowled. “I’m not hiding.”
“You’re not, huh? Okay then, tell me what happened to you when you were younger, Phoenix. Why don’t you like your breasts being touched? Why don’t you even like taking off your shirt?”
It took all of Phoenix’s strength not to flinch at his words.
Dante shook his head in disappointment. “I can feel your panic. It’s so thick.”
What did he mean by feel?
She didn’t get to ask because he continued on, “I thought I’d made it clear that you could trust me. That I was here for you. That I would do anything for you. But, no, one failed pregnancy attempt, and you have raised that wall you erected around you back up. I spent a lot of energy trying to tear it down, and now, I think it’s higher than it was before. But then it was never truly down, was it? I just found a small hole in it and wiggled my way in. But, now that I can’t give you what you want, you’ve pushed me out and sealed that hole with reinforced steel. For one of the bravest people I know, you sure are a coward, Phoenix.”
She clenched her fists. “What the fuck do you know about it?”
Dante threw his hands up in frustration. “Nothing. Because you won’t tell me. That’s what I’m trying to get across to you.”
She hated being called a coward, but she just couldn’t go back to the way things had been before. She couldn’t handle the hurt and disappointment, which had only doubled when she started bleeding—the shifter equivalent of a period—a few days ago. It had been light, but it was still another blow she hadn’t needed.
“Well, maybe I’m not as strong as you. I can’t get my hopes up, only to have them thrown in my face.”
Dante closed his eyes and sighed. When he opened them, he looked at her. “You just don’t get it. Don’t you think I’m disappointed, too? I know this was all your idea, but I wouldn’t have gone along with it if I hadn’t wanted a child with you. I’m sad, too, that you didn’t get pregnant.”
Phoenix was shocked.
“I see that you didn’t think of how I might feel. You only thought about yourself. I never took you for selfish, Phoenix. What you don’t realize is that we could comfort each other. We could be in this together. But you have your heart so hidden, I don’t know if you even know how to find it.”
“That’s not fair,” she said in a low voice.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” Dante roared. “What’s not fair is you giving yourself to me, only to take you away.”
She took a step back. “I didn’t do that.”
“Oh. So, you used me then. Everything we did together was fake on your part? Great. You’ve succeeded in making me feel worse.”
She held on to the one thing she could give him. “But I want to feed you, Dante. No one is making me. I want to do that for you.”
Dante’s brown eyes filled with anguish, and Phoenix shook her head.
No. Please.
It was as if all the anger had left his body, and he had given up. “Phoenix, I can’t feed from you any longer.”
She knew it wasn’t what he wanted. She didn’t understand why they couldn’t at least have that together. “Why?”
Dante collapsed back to sit on his bed and put his head in his hands. “Because I can’t do it anymore. I can’t…I just can’t do it anymore, okay?”
“But…”
Dante dropped his arms to his thighs and looked at her. “I’m not saying, we’ll never see each other. We have to work together sometimes, and we’ll see each other at social functions. I would like to think we are friends. But I can’t go back to the way things were. It’s over.”
Another female might have curled up in a ball and cried but not Phoenix. She was getting pissed. She didn’t understand why they couldn’t have the feeding thing. It had worked for them before.
“I don’t get it, Dante. I can’t isn’t a reason. We had a good system down. There is no reason we can’t do that again.”
“No.”
“Just no?”
“Yep. No.”
“Why? I came here to be honest with you. I think you can do the same for me. You talk about hiding. Who’s hiding now?”
Dante jumped up from the bed and charged toward her.
Furious, Dante got in Phoenix’s face. “Why? You want honesty?” he yelled.
Phoenix narrowed her eyes. “Yes.”
“Because I can’t just pretend like nothing happened,” he roared. “When my fangs are inside you, I want to be inside you. I know what it feels like to come inside you. I know what it’s like to feel you come so hard around me. I want you so fucking bad. I want you under me, your legs wrapped around my waist, while I’m pumping inside you. I want to hear you scream as I feel you come around my cock again and again.”
He took a step back, and his whole body seemed to sag.
His voice now soft, he said, “You’re like an addiction to me. Your blood has become like an addiction to me. Now, I know how good I feel when I’m inside you, and I can’t go back to just drinking your blood. Because, after it’s over and you leave, I’ll be alone. You’re telling me I can have you, Phoenix, but not the way I want you. That’s why I can’t do this anymore. Addictions aren’t healthy, and this half-assed being with you will only make it worse. You can’t give me what I need, and I guess, in the end, I can’t give you what you need.”
Phoenix visibly swallowed, and he almost relented when he saw the agony on her face. But he couldn’t give in. He loved her, but he couldn’t sacrifice his own happiness for hers, especially when she wouldn’t really and truly let herself be happy. They would both end up resenting each other, and then they’d be worse off than they were now.
Turning her away was the hardest thing he’d ever done, but it had to be that way.
“I’m here if you ever change your mind,” he foolishly added. Man, don’t I have any pride? “But know that I’m not going to wait around forever. I care about you, Phoenix, but if you don’t want me, then I have to move on.”
Phoenix just looked at him. He had no idea what she was thinking. Her blood in him was like a blank line of nothing.
“I hope, someday, you find someone who can make you happy.” He only wished that male were him. He stepped around her and opened the door to his room. “I think it’s best if you go now.”
Phoenix slowly pivoted on her heel and headed for the open door. She felt so…empty inside. She took one last look at Dante before she left, but he wouldn’t meet her eyes. She slid the key from her pocket and put it in his palm, and then she walked down the stairs and out of the compound.
She had never felt so numb. Ever.
This thing with Dante was done. This was why she hadn’t wanted to get involved with him in the first place. She knew it would end in disappointment and heartache.
Damn, she hated being right.