PHOENIX WOKE UP, feeling refreshed, alive, and needing to use the bathroom. She rolled away from Dante and stretched like one did after a long sleep.
How long have I been out? It felt like a long time. Yet, as she sat up, she noticed that her body felt almost back to normal.
That’s strange. She didn’t understand how she could feel so rested without needing to have sex again.
She looked at Dante’s alarm clock. It read ten to seven. She’d only been sleeping for twenty minutes?
Phoenix grabbed her phone out of her jeans on the floor and turned on the display. Her battery was almost dead, and when the time showed up on her screen, she felt her heart stop.
Her phone said it was 6:52 p.m.
P.M.
Six. Fifty-two. P.M.
She’d been sleeping for over twelve hours.
She scrambled from the bed and went into the bathroom. She hadn’t even woken because of her heat. She’d woken because her bladder was full. As she used the facilities, she tried not to panic, but it was like a sense of doom was settling over her.
She’d only been in heat for about twelve hours. She’d only been having sex for about ten. This was not right. She should be in heat for days.
She washed her hands and looked up into the mirror, willing her heat to rise again. Not even a spark. Instead, her appearance taunted her. She was naked, which didn’t bother her. It was her obviously flat stomach that made her heart sink.
Not only was her heat over, but her womb also hadn’t swelled from her body taking all it could from Dante to try to get pregnant.
Phoenix felt like she couldn’t breathe, and she walked backward until she hit the wall. Not knowing what to do, she sank down until she hit the floor. Once again, her body had betrayed her.
Even though it was more difficult for shifters to get pregnant than humans, most eventually did. She’d known that her chances of getting pregnant during her first attempt were on the low side, but she hadn’t even finished her heat. Her body hadn’t even made it through a whole day without quitting.
Phoenix put her head in her hands and cried.
She didn’t know what she’d done so wrong. She didn’t think she was asking too much to be a mother.
She didn’t know how long she sat there, curled against the wall, but she smelled him before she felt him.
Dante put his hand on her upper back. “Phoenix, what’s wrong?”
She shook her head as she rested it against her crossed arms that lay over her bent knees. She didn’t want to tell him. She was embarrassed, and it was as if saying it out loud would make it more real.
She heard Dante shift his weight as he sat down beside her. “Red, you’re scaring me.”
Phoenix lifted her head and let it fall back against the wall, not caring if she hurt herself. She didn’t look at him as she said, “It’s over, Dante.”
Out of the corner of her eye, she saw him turn toward her. “What do you mean?”
“My heat. It’s over.”
“How is that possible? I thought it lasted longer.”
“I don’t know, okay!” she yelled.
Dante flinched, and she immediately felt guilty. It wasn’t his fault that her body was a disappointment.
She stood and glanced down toward him but not at him. “It’s over. I have to go,” she said as she marched out of the bathroom.
She heard Dante get up and follow her.
She grabbed her clothes and began yanking them on.
Dante grabbed her hand, forcing her to look at him. “Phoenix, you don’t need to leave.”
She scanned his body, ignoring the bite mark on his shoulder and noting his now-flaccid penis. It was like a slap in the face. She knew Dante had no control over her heat and his reaction or non-reaction to her hormones, but seeing him soft like that was another way the universe was telling her that it was over and done with.
She couldn’t be around him. She couldn’t be around anyone. She needed to get out of there.
She shook her hand free. “Yes, I do. I need to go.”
She quickly finished dressing while Dante picked up his clothes and followed suit. She couldn’t let him stop her or follow her.
She seized her car keys from his bedside table and took off down the stairs. Dante wasn’t far behind, but she had one thing in her favor that evening.
She stepped outside into the setting sun, knowing Dante couldn’t follow her. Racing for her car, she heard Dante yell her name as she hit her key fob and hurried into her vehicle.
She put it in drive and hit the gas. She drove home and prayed no one would be there for a little while at least.
When she arrived, several cars were in the driveway, but thankfully, no one was in the bunkhouse. Phoenix grabbed some workout clothes and went to the bathroom to turn on the shower. It might seem weird to bathe before she headed downstairs to work off some of her feelings, but she needed to be clean.
She needed to wash Dante’s scent from her body and his seed from between her legs. She didn’t need either as a reminder.
Once she was done scrubbing her body until it was raw, Phoenix grabbed her iPod, put in her earbuds, selected her hard rock playlist, and cranked her music as Tool filled the silence. She headed for the basement and got on the treadmill, cranking the speed up and hitting Start.
Exercising helped her focus a little. So, she’d been dealt a horrible blow. She really wasn’t any worse off than she had been a month ago. Now, she realized the level of hope she’d had that her future would change, but that was neither here nor there. She had to face the fact—like really and truly face it—that she would most likely never have children.
It seemed so much more real now than it had before, but that was probably only because she hadn’t realized how much hope she’d had stored away until it was taken away from her.
But she could get over this. She would have to get over this. Life was a fickle bitch, but there was nothing she could do about it.
After the treadmill, Phoenix lifted weights and then did some yoga. She knew she was trying to work herself into exhaustion, so she could fall into a dreamless sleep and forget all about her failed heat. It was going to be pretty hard to do when she’d just slept for twelve fricking hours.
And, now, she was getting upset all over again.
Just as she used the bottom of her shirt to wipe the sweat from her forehead, there was a tap on her shoulder, and Phoenix jumped. She pulled out her earbuds and pivoted to see Tegan standing there.
“Sorry. I called your name, but you didn’t hear me.”
Seether blasted from Phoenix’s earbuds as they hung from her hand. “Yeah, I had my music loud. What’d ya need?” Hopefully, something fast because she still didn’t feel like talking to anyone.
Tegan hesitated, and Phoenix guessed that she had picked up on her volatile mood.
“Um…Dante’s here.”
Phoenix shook her head. No way. “Tell him I’m not here.”
“I already did because I didn’t realize you were home at first, but he saw your car. He’s upstairs, and he refuses to leave until you come back.”
Phoenix was suddenly mad at Dante for coming there, and it felt good to have someone to turn her frustrations on. She turned off her iPod and tossed it on the workout bench before pounding up the stairs.
She marched toward Dante, who was sitting and talking to Saxon.
When he spotted her, he stood and told Saxon, “Excuse me,” before striding toward her. He looked determined and not the least bit intimidated by her anger.
Dante gripped her hand, not bothering to say anything to her, and dragged her outside. He walked her away from the house before he dropped her upper limb and faced her. “What the fuck is up with you leaving like that?”
“What do you mean? I told you, it’s over. My heat is gone.”
“Yeah, but we’re not over.”
Phoenix didn’t say anything, just stared at Dante, not letting any emotion cross her face. She couldn’t let him know how much it hurt to be with him now. It would be a stupid reminder of everything she couldn’t have.
Dante huffed. “Oh, I see. When you said it was over, you meant, more than just your heat. You meant us, too.”
Phoenix shrugged, as if it were no big deal.
Dante dropped his arms. “So, now that you didn’t get pregnant, you’re going to build that big, bad wall you had around yourself back up, huh?”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Oh, I don’t, do I? I know I’ve been trying to rip it down for a while now, and I thought I had succeeded. You know, you don’t have to do this alone, Phoenix. I’m here for you. We can try again in six months.”
She snorted. Yeah, right. She was not going to go through this again. “I don’t think so.”
Dante laughed, but she knew he didn’t think the situation was funny. “So, you’re just going to give up?”
Phoenix raised her chin. “It’s not giving up. It’s facing reality.”
Dante shook his head. “You know, I’m disappointed in you, Phoenix. I thought you were stronger than this.”
She growled at him. “I am strong, you asshole.” That was why she was doing what she was doing.
“You’re not acting like it, Red.”
“Don’t call me that.” She was saying things to hurt him, and she felt bad. She really did.
But, if she gave Dante any sign that she cared, he would pounce on it.
Dante just shook his head again, unfazed by her bitchiness. “I see how it is. I’ll tell you what. I’m going to give you some time to deal with what happened today. I understand you’re hurt and devastated and that now is not the time to try to reason with you. But know this; I will be back.”
She crossed her arms across her chest and snorted. “Is that a threat?”
Dante stepped closer to her, wrapped an arm around her waist, and pulled her close. He pushed his lips against hers. It was a closed-mouthed kiss but was still full of passion. “No, Red, it’s a promise,” he said as he let her go. He turned his back to her and went to his SUV. He climbed in and drove away without looking back at Phoenix once.
She knew this because she watched him the whole time.
Furious with everything, she ripped off her clothes right there for anyone to see and shifted into her cat. Since working out hadn’t helped, she ran toward the woods, hoping to hide.
Hide from what exactly, she didn’t know. Her human side, Dante, reality, or the emptiness that had settled in her heart. Maybe all of it. It was certainly easier that way.