Chapter Eighteen
Clara dug her thumbnail into the side of the kitchen island as Emily bustled around the room. Hunter was fast asleep upstairs, and the nanny was about to take off for the evening.
Exactly the one thing she was afraid of.
Usually she looked forward to Emily’s departure. Once the doors closed behind her, Clara was alone with her family. Or those she desperately wanted to claim as hers. She and Walker would sooth the restless baby, or fall into bed together, or sometimes, just sit side by side in mutual exhaustion and oddly, contentment.
Tonight was different.
“Do you want me to get you anything before I go?”
Her head jerked up at Emily’s offer. “No, I’m fine. Have a good night and thanks for your help today.”
Emily paused in the act of folding a dish towel. Setting it aside, she slid into the chair next to Clara.
“Are you all right?”
Clara let out a little laugh, shaking her head. “I’m not sure.”
“What’s wrong?”
“It’s our last night,” she said with a sigh.
“What does that mean?”
She drew her nail along the wooden edge again. “It means, I promised to live here for a set time before returning to my own life. And tonight, that limit comes due.”
“Ah,” Emily murmured.
“Exactly.”
“And you’re wondering what happens next.”
“Pretty much.” Her shoulders drooped. “Walker is hard to predict sometimes. I’m not sure how fast he wants this to move.”
Because she was all in. She’d move here permanently the second he offered. She’d take on the responsibility of raising Hunter with pleasure. And she’d spend the rest of her life loving both her boys if Walker would give her the chance to.
Or maybe he’d ask her to move out. To go back to her own apartment so they could date at a normal pace and slow things down. After all, his life was still in an upheaval and would be for a long time to come. It was no big deal if he asked her to move out.
But no matter how she sliced it, it felt like a step backward when they’d already wasted so much time tiptoeing around each other.
“I know the solution,” Emily said.
She perked up. “What?”
“Talk to your man.”
The air rushed out of her in a chuckle. “That easy, huh?”
“Yep.”
“Maybe you’re the genius.”
Emily grinned. “I’ve worked with many couples. I’ve seen ones who stay together for the sake of their children and ones who love each other to distraction. Which category do you think you and Walker fall into?”
She blushed. “He’s never told me he loved me. Not in a romantic way, at least.”
“Have you told him?”
No. I can face down drug lords and dirty politicians, but I flinch when it comes to having an honest conversation with the love of my life.
Because what if she found out she wasn’t the love of his?
“It’s never easy, starting a relationship,” Emily said, her voice understanding. “Then again, it’s not like the two of you are starting from scratch. You’re basically an old married couple who just rediscovered the joys of sex.”
She groaned, dropping her head into her hands.
Emily patted her back the way she’d seen her do to Hunter. “My point is, your connection to each other isn’t fresh. It’s deep and binding. I don’t think you need to be afraid of being honest with Walker.”
“No,” she mumbled into her arm. “I shouldn’t be.”
“But matters of the heart aren’t logical, huh?”
“Not even slightly.” She sat up, shaking her head. “This part of adulthood should come with a warning label.”
“Love at your own risk?”
“Something like that.” Dragging a hand down her face, she rolled her shoulders back. “You’re right, though. I need to talk this out with him. One way or another, I want to know where we stand.”
“Good luck.”
She squeezed Emily’s hand. “Just so you know, you’re the best nanny we could have found for Hunter. I’m grateful for the help you’ve given us this last month.”
The other woman gave her a wide smile. “He’s a great little boy. I’m happy to have found this position, too.” Glancing at the clock, she continued, “Though I will also be happy to snuggle into my own bed tonight.”
“Go, go. Don’t let me keep you.”
With a parting wave, the nanny slipped off her chair and headed out.
Clara waited until she heard the door close before heading for the stairs. She needed to have a chat with her lover.
Who happened to be coming down the stairs as she headed up.
He paused, seeing her, before continuing down. “I got Hunter to sleep,” he said softly. “We’re should be free for the next few hours.”
“Good,” she said, backing down the steps.
He joined her on the landing and opened his mouth as if to speak, only to close it again.
“We should talk,” she said.
He nodded and gestured toward the living room. Silently, she followed him to the couch and dropped down beside him. He was close but not touching, and she wrapped her arms around herself in comfort.
“So,” she started. “Our time is up today.”
“I know,” he replied, his voice equally soft. “Thank you for what you’ve done. I would have been lost these last weeks without you.”
“That first day you held Hunter like he was a bomb about to go off.”
“The second day I held him like he was a football. We’d still be back there if it wasn’t for you.”
“You would have figured it out.”
“Not as quickly as we were able to with you around,” he said. “You directed Emily and trained me. I’m grateful you did.”
She plucked at the couch cushion.
“Just grateful?” she finally asked in a whisper.
…
His heart twisted as he stared down at her.
“No,” he said, reaching out to lift her face to his. “This isn’t just about gratitude.”
Her eyes rose to his, so wide and deep a man could drown in them.
How does she do that?
How could she make his chest tighten with just a look?
He brushed his fingers over her cheek. All the nights they’d spent together and he still wasn’t used to the simple pleasure of touching her.
Maybe I’ll never get used to it. Maybe she’ll astound me for the rest of my life.
He’d never wanted permanent with anyone. He hadn’t thought he was the type who could commit to a life that ordinary. He still wasn’t sure it was a good idea with Hunter being so fresh in his life.
But he also knew one fact there was no escaping.
Clara was it for him. If he was ever going to make commitment work, it’d be with her or no one. When he thought of where his life would be ten years from now, it would be with her at his side.
It had always been her.
Which meant he needed to convince her she was right where she belonged. The rest they could figure out later.
“This is just a night like any other,” he told her.
She shook her head, drawing back from his touch. “It’s different and you know it.”
“It doesn’t have to be.”
“Everything is going to change now.”
“Why?”
She bit her lip, nibbling on it in a way that made him long to sooth the bruised skin with his mouth. “We’re playing house,” she whispered. “None of this is real.”
She wasn’t wrong. Their deal had been temporary from the start. But along the way everything had evolved into so much more. One thing he knew for sure, he didn’t want her walking out of this house and sleeping in a bed he couldn’t share with her.
“It could be real,” he said, the words coming far more easily than he’d ever thought they would. “We could be real.”
She froze, her eyes growing even wider if it was possible.
“Be clear,” she demanded.
The words brought a smile to his lips. His little reporter wouldn’t stop until she uncovered the truth. About what he wanted from her. About what he felt for her.
About what he planned for their future…
For the first time in his life, the idea of permanency, of normalcy, didn’t send him running from the room.
Instead, it made him excited for every morning he woke up beside her.
“Stay,” he said. “Live here. Don’t leave us now.”
“Because I make a good surrogate mother?” she asked. “Emily can help you take care of him. You don’t need me for that.”
He took her hands in his. “You are irreplaceable,” he replied. “The best mother Hunter could ever have. You love him as much as I do, admit it.”
She drew in a shuddering breath. “But he’s not mine,” she said. “Eventually we have to go back to our real lives and when we do…it’s going to hurt.”
He leaned forward, his lips ghosting over hers. “What was so great about our real lives? I could hug you, but I couldn’t kiss you. I could sleep beside you on a couch, but I couldn’t wrap myself around you in bed. I couldn’t take your hand in public or attend one of those tedious gala events with you on my arm.” His fingers delved deeper into her hair, angling her face up to his. “I couldn’t touch you the way I always wanted to. Do you really want to go back to that?”
“You were the one who said you couldn’t make promises. You said there were no strings here. That you didn’t know how long we could last.”
“I was an idiot.”
Her grin was brief. “Can’t argue with that.”
“I take it all back. You want strings? Bring them on.”
She shook her head. “If this is too fast for you, I don’t want to rush anything. There’s Hunter to think about.”
“I am thinking about him. What if he was yours as much as mine?”
A shudder went through her. “You can’t offer this only to pull it away later,” she warned.
“Losing you is the last thing I’d ever want to do. I mean every word I’m saying.”
Not looking away from her, he drew his lips over the ring finger on her left hand.
“Let’s be a family, Clara. For real. Forever.”
It took her two tries before she could choke out the words. “Are you asking me—”
A knock interrupted her.
With a groan, Walker dropped her hand. “Who the hell is knocking at this hour?”
“Probably your assistant coming to drag you back to the office whether you want to go or not,” she said. “I told you not to keep ignoring him.”
He glanced at the door before shaking his head. “He’d call if he needed me.”
She arched a brow. “Walker Beckett, are you going to give up playing with some fancy piece of code for me?”
“Do you believe I’m serious now?”
“Oh deadly,” she purred, leaning toward him as he lowered his head.
The knock sounded again.
With a sigh, she pushed to her feet. “Screw it. Let’s let him in, he can drop off whatever he’s working on, and then we can send him on his way.”
“You are a far kinder person than I am,” he said, running a hand through his hair.
“Tell me something I don’t know,” she replied with a grin. Climbing over him, she skipped over to the door with a smile on her face.
He draped himself over the back of the couch as he watched her go.
Clara tossed him a smile as her fingers wrapped around the door handle, as if she couldn’t look away from him any more than he could from her.
Then she jerked the door open and horror washed through his body.
“Hello,” the beautiful blonde standing in the entrance said. “I’m looking for my son.”