Chapter 18
Fall slipped by. One minute it was Labor Day, and the next Jax knew Halloween was upon him…. something he’d completely forgotten about until a miniature Darth Vader and Kylo Ren passed him in his apartment complex that morning. Everything should have been great in his life. He’d started his check out from the Navy. The doctor had given him a clean bill of health at his exit exam, which took him one step closer to his goal. The paperwork had been filed. His terminal leave had been approved. He’d be home for Christmas, then report to Glynco for training after New Year’s.
Yet nothing felt right.
He strolled out of the Navy Exchange scowling. They’d been cleaned out of Halloween candy. He’d need to stop somewhere else on his way home. Fall was his favorite time of the year. Everything was falling into place, except he’d be leaving without learning who had been harassing Risa. That didn’t feel right, but he’d have to trust Casey to keep on it.
His apartment manager approved Bella living with him, should he get to adopt her. So he wouldn’t have to look for a new place when he finished training. It was okay, but it didn’t have a huge backyard for a dog to run through. There was no fire pit or double lounger.
He needed to forget those memories.
Not easy when all he could think of was Risa and her damn text message.
He’d tried to call, had even driven by her place, but all the lights were out, so he figured she’d gone to bed. He’d tried again the next day, only to find no one home.
Two weeks later, and she’d still refused his calls. For such a small base, the woman was remarkably good at evading him.
Damn it. He hadn’t wanted a clean break.
Ending the relationship had been the last thing on his mind that night.
Instead of going straight back to the office, he stopped off the vet clinic, again. Pushing through the front door, Corrie glanced up from the desk.
“Is the doc available?” he asked.
Her eyes darted to the exam room doors. “Oh, sorry, Chief. You just missed her. I think she ran into town to pick up lunch. I can let her know you stopped by.” The pity in her voice scraped at his raw nerves.
Just as it had every day when he’d stopped by. Either Risa was with a patient or out of the office. Not that he believed her—she had too many tells, like refusing to look him in the eye, excessive swallowing, and a practiced response. He could have called her out, but Corrie was being a good friend and employee.
“Sure, let her know.” He tapped the counter and left.
What now?
He’d sent flowers and treats for the animals, called Fiona to run interference, but no luck. Hell, he had even made an appointment to bring one of the dogs in for an exam, only to be thwarted when she showed up at the kennel while he was out. The only thing he hadn’t tried was pinning her down at her parents’ house, but if she didn’t face him soon, he’d show up there.
With no other viable options, he headed back to Security. He picked up his messages from Kelly, who refused to leave them on people’s desk for fear of them getting lost, and walked into his and Casey’s office.
“Got a package for you on your desk,” Casey said without looking up from his computer. “How did the physical go?”
Jax took off his coat and dropped the keys and his cover on the desk. “Ninety-nine percent perfect. Same old shit about the knee, but what does the doctor know. Who dropped off the bag?”
“What am I, your damn secretary?” Casey growled.
Jax dumped out the bag, and a dark blue sweatshirt with NAVY in yellow letters spilled onto his keyboard. He picked it up and ignored the urge to smell it, to see if it still had her scent on it. It was Jax’s, but he’d slipped it over Risa’s head one night while they’d sat out and watched the stars.
“When did she drop it off?”
Casey looked him in the eye. “About five minutes after you left.”
So she’d been watching to make sure he wasn’t around.
He should just take the hint and move on.
The phone rang, and he shoved the shirt back in the bag and picked up .
“Chief Jackson Faraday, Security, how may I help you sir or ma’am?”
The other person on the line rambled off their name, rank, and more importantly their location. Texas. Jax listened carefully, jotting down notes.
“Yes, I can.” More questions. “Yes, I have a place. Great, see you then, and thanks for the call.”
Casey set down his never-empty coffee cup. “What was that about?”
“Bella.” Jax grinned. “She’s mine, and I can pick her up in four weeks.”
“What are you going to do with her while you’re in Glynco for training? It’s not like you can hide her in your room.”
“Already taken care of—she’s going to stay at my dad’s place.”
“Sounds like everything is falling into place for you.”
“Not everything.” Jax walked around the desk and looked out the window.
“About that. I’m sorry, man. I tried to talk to Risa when she stopped by, but she was in and out in under thirty seconds.”
“Thanks for trying. I appreciate it, but the message is clear. Time for me to pay attention and move on to new adventures.” Except he didn’t want to. He wanted Risa, the dogs, the cat, the bunnies, and even the troublesome duo.
He wanted the life he’d pictured a couple of weeks ago, and there was only one woman he could see spending the rest of his days with.
“Glad to hear you’ve come to your senses. If we’re done with all the touchy-feely emotional crap, I need to go check on the guys at the gate, and you’ve got a training class at the kennel.”
“I can’t do the class. I’ve got my interview with SECOP this afternoon.” Didn’t anyone ever look at the freaking schedule but him? The place was going to fall apart when he left.
“Sucks to be you, man. Talk to Kelly. Or maybe Mike will take the class for you. I’ve got to go check on Samuels. We’ve had a few complaints that he’s not following protocol.”
Casey left, and Jax rescheduled his appointment with the CO before driving the short distance to the kennel. If he could have pawned off the training session on Mike or one of the other chiefs, he would have. After the last couple of weeks, he was ready to go, to start a new phase in his life, and this morning hammered home that it was time. When he got to Glynco, he’d see if they would renegotiate his duty station.
Jax slid out of the truck and was across the parking lot before he registered the SUV parked near the door. He stopped in his tracks, debating how to handle the run-in, when two seconds later Risa came barreling out and ran into him… literally.
“Jax.” She grabbed onto his arms, then quickly let go as if his touch burned. “There I go again, not looking where I was going. One of these days, I’ll learn. Anyway, I better get going, as we both have work to do.”
The momentary happiness at seeing her vanished in the blink of an eye. Nothing had changed from an hour ago. Still, it didn’t feel right ending their friendship this way. She stepped to the side to walk away, and Jax stepped in her path and put a hand out.
“Risa, wait. Give me five minutes to explain.”
She crossed her arms and shifted feet. “What’s the point? You’re leaving, Jax,” she said softly, with shadows darkening her caramel eyes.
He reached for her hand, but she tucked them both under her arms. “For a couple of weeks for training.”
“And then what? Then where?” She waved away him comment. Defeat and frustration filled her voice, while tears glistened in her eyes.
At least he knew he’d meant something to her.
“Risa—”
She held up her hands and looked away. “My life is here, Jax. Everything that makes it home is here. Yours is wherever NCIS sends you, time and again. Let’s not make this any harder than it is. Good luck and good-bye.”
She ran to her car, and all he could do was stare at the spot where she’d stood. His life had been filled with more ups and downs in the last few months than in his first thirty-some years. He wasn’t sure where he’d boarded the crazy train, but he sure as hell wanted off.
The door before him opened, and Moore stuck his head out. “Chief, the guys are ready when you are.”
“Be right there.”
Risa drove out of the lot and his life, the taillights flashing briefly. Jax wasn’t a poet, but the image seemed like an apt symbol of their relationship.
* * * *
She made it all the way home before falling apart. Damn her bad timing. For the past couple of weeks, Risa had dodged, ducked, and dove a few times to avoid running into Jax. Not that it had been easy or fun, but it had been in self-defense. Walking away from Jax for a second time ripped her heart to shreds. Saying good-bye was the last thing she wanted to do, but as she looked around at her home and the goat pen she’d just finished, she didn’t see any other option. She’d worked too hard to get where she was—the job, the home she’d created—to walk away for something that came with no guarantees.
She’d made sacrifices along the way and she didn’t regret most of them, until now. The world before her blurred as the dreaded and all-too-familiar tears overflowed.
Damn, damn, double damn. Why did love have to hurt so much?
The door on the SUV ripped open, scaring the life out of Risa, but before she could say anything, strong arms pulled her into a hug.
“Cry it out, girlfriend.” Fee’s familiar voice settled over Risa. “Then when you’re done, I have the creepy-baby-on-the-label wine, chocolate, and ice cream. We’ll have us a good old fashioned man-bashing pity party, and tomorrow you’ll put on your big girl pants and get back to living.”
Risa let the tears flow freely. She’d have a killer headache, but that was better than the burning agony in her heart.
Fee held on tightly and let Risa soak her shoulder. When Risa lifted her head and nodded, Fee smiled. “Feel better?”
“Not really. I think I need pizza and doughnuts, too.”
“Lucky for you, I’m an expert on this thing called a broken heart. Not only do I have the aforementioned items, but I have doughnuts, and the pizza should be delivered in about thirty minutes. Let’s go inside, and you can change into sloppy, comfy clothes while I take care of the critters for you.”
Fee was as good as her word. If Risa didn’t leave the house for a week, she could survive on the junk food Fee had brought.
“Did I forget you were coming by today?” Risa asked around a mouthful of meat-lovers pizza.
“Depends on how you look at it. For the past two weeks, you’ve been putting me off, saying we’ll get together tomorrow. Well, sister, it’s tomorrow. You didn’t let me go through my break-up with Sal alone. Did you think I’d let you?”
“Thanks. Can you pass me that chocolate doughnut?”
“You’re going to get sick. Now I know where Dylan gets his bad food habits from.” Fee wrinkled her nose in disgust as she passed the box of pastries. “You know he called me.”
“Dylan?”
Risa picked out a chocolate doughnut with chocolate frosting and another with Boston cream filling. She didn’t care if she got sick. When she thought of the hurt look on Jax’s face… it served her right. Crushing him hadn’t been her goal.
“Jax called. He was worried and upset because you weren’t returning his calls and wouldn’t see him.” She put her plate on the table and folded her legs up in the chair. “What the heck happened? I was picking out my maid-of-honor dress.”
“He’s leaving.” Risa filled her in on their dinner conversation, then brought her up on that day’s encounter.
“Didn’t he tell you he was getting out?” Fee’s voice registered the shock Risa had felt.
“He did. He didn’t say he was leaving. We only talked about it once, but it sounded like he was looking for a job here. When he said he wanted more, I thought he meant stability and me.”
Silly girl. Everyone knows you follow your gut.
“And you fell in love with him, didn’t you?”
“It hurts, Fee. Walking away. Knowing I’ll never see him again.”
“It gets better.”
“I know the tears will eventually dry up, or they bloody well better.” She swiped at the corners of her eyes again, wondering how she wasn’t completely dehydrated. “I’ll laugh and be happy and all that nonsense. But it won’t be the same, you know. There’s something missing now, and no matter what, I’m going to know that. I’m going to know what it was like when he was part of my life.”
“I get it.”
“It wasn’t a happier life, but it was fuller, richer.”
Fee got up and sat next to Risa on the couch, slipping her arm around Risa’s shoulders. They leaned their heads together like they’d done a thousand times growing up, telling secrets and sharing plans.
“If he’d told you from the start that he planned to leave, would you have still have gotten involved with him?” Fee asked.
She’d thought about that several times since Jax’s announcement. Given how their relationship played out, she’d say yes, but another part of her brain said no way.
“Maybe, but at least I would have been forewarned.”
“I’m pretty sure it’d still hurt.”
“I think you’re right. So either I suck it up or I wish away all the great moments with Jax?”
“And don’t forget the sex. You’d be wishing that away too.”
She laughed. It started out small and soft, then deepened and came all the way from her toes. “In that case, I guess I’ll just have to suck it up.”
“That’s it, buttercup.” Fee gave her a shoulder bump. “Can we declare the pity party over and start on the man-bashing now?”
“Only if I get to keep the doughnuts and ice cream.”
“It’s all yours. Okay, give me one trait of Jax’s that drove you crazy… in a bad way.” Fee stole her Boston cream while she thought about the answer.
“He snores,” she said. “And he leaves his boots in the middle of the floor.”
“That’s the best you’ve got for me?” Fee sighed and bit into the stolen doughnut.
“He’s got poor taste in TV shows. I mean, he actually thought Star Trek was better than Doctor Who.”
“The bastard.”
Risa gasped. “You swore.”
“Only for you. I’ll stick a quarter in the swear jar later.” Fee got up and went to the fridge to pull out the Ben & Jerry’s. She held it up, and Risa nodded. “One of the students hit on me the other day.”
“Are we talking the young ’uns or the ones who’ve been in for a while?”
Fee raised her eyebrow.
“Eww, but kind of flattering at the same time.” Risa took the offered spoon and scooped up a gigantic bite of Karamel Sutra. “Was he at least legal?”
“Seriously?”
“Train ’em while they’re young so they get it right from the start.”
“You’ve lost your mind.”
Risa laughed. “I’m kidding. Maybe you could adopt him instead and give Dylan a big brother.”
“I’m not that old.”
“What happened to that guy from the yoga studio?”
Fee sighed. “Turned out he was gay and just asked me out because he wanted advice on how to get along with his prospective boyfriend’s son.”
“His loss. Besides, he probably wouldn’t have measured up to your battery-operated boyfriend.” Risa scooped up another bite.
Fee waved her spoon at her. “Hey, don’t knock Raphael until you try it. And my offer to take you shopping still stands.”
At least she wouldn’t have to worry about Raphael breaking her heart or leaving.
“So this is what our life has come to. Spinsterhood and pigging out on junk food. You need a couple of cats, though,” Risa said.
“You have enough animals for both of us.”
“Probably.” Thinking about her menagerie made her think about how much Jax liked them. She missed him all over again.
Fee handed her the ice cream tub. “You should call Jax. Give the whole long-distance relationship thing a try. It might work.”
Risa sighed. “I’ll pass. I don’t think my heart could survive if it didn’t work out again.”