Bishop

Wilful destruction of property. One hundred hours of community service. It could’ve been worse. It probably should’ve been. I passed out in the back of the police car and woke up in a cell. That more than anything shocked me sober. I woke up cold, more than alone, and missing Jake more than I ever had before. Taking a look around, I realise Jake was right. I’m a mess, and not just because he left me. I was one way before that. I can’t keep going on like this, ignoring everything and pretending that I’m okay with how my life has turned out. I need to make things right with Jonah, I need to be whole.

So many times before I’ve walked into Royal HQ afraid of what I’ll find behind Jonah’s door, but at least I knew I was wanted there, or at the very least, expected.

Walking up to his secretary’s desk, my hands are sweating and my knees are weak.

“Hey,” I say to the girl behind the desk. I think her name is Chloe but I’m not sure. “Is… um, my dad in?”

Looking up, she gives me a kind smile. “He is. He’s got a meeting at two but other than that it’s a quiet day today.”

“Do you mind if I go in?” I ask.

“Go right in. I’ll hold his calls until you come out.”

“Thanks,” I say, hoping my reception on the other side is as warm.

Taking a deep breath and opening the door, I take a step inside.

“Don’t shoot,” I say, holding my hands up when he looks up.

“What are you doing here?” he asks.

“I… um, wanted to come and see you.”

“If this is about the trouble you got yourself in….”

Quickly, I shake my head. “No. I’ve got that handled, or I will have that handled. That’s not what this is about.”

Leaning back in his chair, he crosses his arms over his chest. “What is this about then?”

“Can I come in?” I ask.

He waves a hand and I take that as a yes.

“I wanted to come and see you,” I say as I sit across from him.

“I gather that from your presence, what I want to know is why?”

“Jake left,” I say, putting it all out there.

A small smile crosses his face and I want to punch him, but I rein the urge in. “Of course he did. I bet the moment we cut ties he saw his cash cow drain and he got out as soon as he could.”

I shake my head. “Why do you do that?” I ask. “Why do you always assume the worst of people?”

“Saves time.”

“You’re a miserable bastard, you know that?” I ask.

He shrugs.

“Would it change anything if I told you the reason Jake left was so that we could work out our differences without him being in the way?”

That catches his attention. “And why would he do that?”

“Because he thinks I need you. He thinks you need me too.”

He scoffs. “That fag.”

“I think he’s right,” I say.

“You would.”

Ignoring him, I press on. “I want to talk about Mum.”

He freezes. “Wha…? No.”

“Yes,” I insist. “I think we need to. When she…” I stop and swallow the lump in my throat. “When she died, you never talked about her again. It was like she never existed.”

“She was dead. What more was there to talk about?”

“We could’ve remembered her,” I say. “We could’ve laughed about her terrible singing, or all the times she burned dinner, or hell, just shared times when she made us feel loved.” Tears well in my eyes.

“What good would that have done?” my father asks.

“It would’ve kept her memory alive,” I say. “It would’ve helped us deal with her loss by remembering the good things about her, the good times we had with her.”

Jonah shakes his head. “No, I can’t.”

“I know it hurts,” I say, “but that’s what healing is. It’s pain. It’s overcoming that pain.”

“No,” he says again.

“You want to know my favourite memory of her?” I ask. “It was Christmas morning, I must have been eight or nine. You asked for a new fishing rod, do you remember that?” I wait until he nods. “We went to every shop in Auckland looking for the right one. I remember saying to her that it was just a rod, but she wanted it to be perfect. Then when I woke up on Christmas morning, I had the exact same one as you.”

He nods. “She wanted us to match.”

I laugh. “Yeah, she did.”

“I told her it wasn’t like it was a handbag and shoes, that they didn’t have to match, but she didn’t care.”

“No, she didn’t,” I say.

“She always wanted us to be together,” he says.

“She loved us,” I tell him.

Finally, he looks up at me. “I let her down.”

“We both did.”

“I just couldn’t… it was too painful to talk about, to remember.”

I nod. “I know. I understand that.”

“Still, I should’ve tried, for you.”

“It’s okay,” I tell him.

“I’m sorry.”

I feel the first real smile in weeks cross my face. “Thank you.”

“What now?” he asks.

“I’m in trouble,” I say. “I’m going to deal with it. It’s my mess to clean up, but once I do, I’m going to find Jake.”

“What about your riding?”

I shrug. “I don’t know. For so long it was all about me trying to prove something to you, to be something I wasn’t, just so I could have your attention, your approval.”

“I’m sorry for that too. I never meant to do that, to turn into whatever it is that I am.”

“I know,” I say, and I do. “I think it’s time I find something I love and do it for me.”

“Riding isn’t that?”

“I’m not sure. It could be, I’ve just never thought of it that way.”

“Do you need any help? With Jake or….”

I smile. “No, I’m good.”

“I really am sorry, Bishop, for everything.”

“I know and I am too.”

Getting up and walking around the desk, he meets me halfway. “You’re so much like your mother,” he says, as we embrace.

“I like to think there’s a bit of you in here too,” I say.

We both laugh.

“Thank you,” he says when we break apart. “For being the bigger man, and for helping me remember.”

I shrug. “It was Jake more than anything.”

He nods.

“I better get going,” I say before the moment gets any heavier. “I have an appointment at Corrective Services.”

“Let me know me know if there’s anything I can help with.”

“Thanks, but I want to do this on my own.”

“I’ll see you when I see you?” he says.

Nodding and smiling, I reply. “Yeah, that’ll be good.”

With a quick wave, I’m out the door, one step closer to Jake.