Jake

Closing the door on Bishop, I know what I have to do. I wait until I don’t hear him moving around anymore and get to work.

I can feel my heart breaking as I pack all my belongings, but I have to do this. I never wanted to force him to choose between Jonah and me. I didn’t want to put him in that position. I know Bishop loves me but how can he when I took away the only family he has? When I took away the last link to his mother? She was the reason he stuck to Jonah so hard all these years, and now I’ve broken that link. While I’m proud as hell that he did all this for me, I can’t help but feel I’m not worth it. That one day the cost of this relationship is going to come back and bite me in the arse. I know Bish says that he doesn’t care about Jonah, but once he has time to fully let the events of last night sink in, he’ll realise just what a big deal this all was.

As much as I love Bishop, and I do, with all my heart, I saw the pain he was in when he made that choice. He can deny it all he wants, but I know what I saw. It hurt me too. It’s hurting me now. It’s going to continue to hurt both of us unless I do something.

I know running away isn’t the answer, but it’s the only one I’ve got. It’s all too much. I love Bishop and I want him to be whole, but he can’t be if he’s with me. I think Jonah saw tonight just how determined Bishop can be. He’ll realise soon how much he loves his son, how much he wants him around, I know he will. When that happens, I can’t be in the picture. Really, this is for the best. What chance did Bishop and I have any way? He’s so incredible, and me, I’m just the guy he didn’t run away from on the playground.

As I throw the last of my clothes in my suitcase, I’m at peace with my decision. I’m doing the right thing. Not just for my sake, but for Bishop’s. I want to live my life in the light. I want Bishop to live his life in the light. I want him to be whole.

I’m taking myself out of the equation. I’m giving him the space he needs to do that. I’m making his decision for him. He may think he made the right one last night, but how could it be? With everything he was giving up, a lifetime of sacrifices, and pain, and hurt, and suffering, all of it, for nothing? I know he loves Jonah, despite everything. I’m not going to be the one who severs that connection, I can’t be. It’s too much.

Call it foresight, or even blind hope, but I had been applying for jobs in Australia. A few days ago I received an offer from a firm on the Gold Coast. When I applied, I had thought it would be a fresh start for Bish and me, now it’s going to be the place I go to mend my broken heart.

With everything packed I take a minute to look around my now empty room. There have been so many great memories I’ve made here. I look at the bed that Bishop and I spent hours lying in, content just to be in each other’s arms. It’s hard to decide if the pain of giving him up is worse than the pain of being without him. Last night at the gala, everything became clear for me. I love him and if I could, I would take all his pain away. So I am, because at the moment, I’m his pain, even if he doesn’t know it.

With a glance to Bishop’s bedroom door, I tiptoe out of the apartment, throwing my bags into the waiting taxi. All I’m taking are my clothes, some photos, and a few bits and pieces. Really, who needs stuff when their heart is broken, and they’re leaving it behind? This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but I know it’s the right thing. I hope it’s the right thing. Maybe this will be good for both of us. I can take the time and space to let this utter obsession with Bishop ease. And maybe he’ll be able to make peace with Jonah. At least I hope he will.

I watch as the city rushes by me and the ache in my chest grows. All I want is Bishop, and hopefully, this will bring him to me.