Bishop

I wouldn’t have thought that so many years and so many memories could be condensed down to a few boxes, but they can.

I also didn’t know a lifetime of friendship and a love that should’ve lasted forever could be reduced down to a few precise words on a piece of paper.

The note Jake left was sitting on the coffee table. Sitting there, looking all innocent but in truth was anything but.

Dear Bish, it read.

I’m sorry I left this way, but it was for the best. I never wanted to come between you and Jonah, never wanted you to have to choose between the two of us. While it warms every part of me that you chose me, I think you made the wrong choice. Jonah is your blood, Bish, he’s your family. He may not act like it, but he’s the only person who can connect you back to your mum. You need him and I think he needs you, too. That can’t happen if I’m there with you. I had been applying for jobs in Aussie, and I got one, on the Gold Coast. I had hoped it would be a fresh start for us, but I think you need to sort things out with Jonah before you can leave. I know he’s caused you a lot of hurt, and pain, and anger over the years but he’s still your dad. So I’m giving you the time and space you need to take care of this, to make this right. I know it’s a shitty thing to do, and I’m sorry for that, but it’s the only way I could do it. I love you so much and it’s killing me to leave you, but I know it’s for the best. In a perfect world you’ll read this, fix things with Jonah and come and meet me on the beach in two weeks’ time. I hope that’s all it takes, but I’m prepared to wait. I’d wait forever for you Bishop Royal, but you need to do this. You need to be whole and at peace. Please don’t be mad, even though I know you will. I think my heart is in the right place, it should be, it’s with you.

I love you, I’m sorry and I hope to be with you soon,

Yours, Jake xo.

After I read it, I sat, staring, for hours. How could he do this to me? I chose him! I want to be with him! And he’s left me? And what’s this bullshit about me making things right with Jonah? How can I make things right when my whole world is wrong without him?

I look around at the empty apartment and know it’s mirroring how I feel inside. It only takes a few trips to take everything I own down to the car, then it’s a quick drive to the hotel. The furniture, the electronics, I don’t give a shit about. Jonah can do what he wants with them, they mean nothing to me. Nothing does. I can’t stay at the apartment, not without Jake. Everywhere I look I’m reminded of something to do with him. It was killing me. I guess I know how he feels now.

I thought moving into a hotel would solve all my problems. I was wrong. Even though I was no longer living in the space Jake and I shared, I was still without him. I must have called him a million times, but each time it went to voicemail. In response, I did what any self-respecting, or not as the case may be, heartbroken guy does. I went drinking, and when alcohol wasn’t enough, I took whatever drug was available. When that wasn’t enough, I did some more, drank some more.

I know Jake wouldn’t approve or want to see me this way, but he isn’t here, so fuck him. Fuck him to hell. The coward! What sort of man doesn’t even tell you he’s leaving? Just slips out like a thief in the middle of the night. Well screw him, I don’t need him. I definitely don’t want him.

Except I do. Try as I might, when I close my eyes, it’s him I see. He haunts my every thought, my every dream. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t know if I long to see him when I fall asleep or if I dread it. I guess it’s a bit of both. I can almost feel my heart being ripped from my chest.

I try to fill the gap. Auckland’s gay nightlife isn’t bad, and I find myself intrigued as I wade in. I don’t have anything left to lose. Jake took it all when he walked out. Plus, I like the idea of getting back at him by possibly getting under someone else. Serves him right for being the fucking coward that he is. Either way, the drugs and the booze make everything disappear.

It feels weird to be “out” and not hiding, but it also feels strangely liberating. Or maybe it’s the bottle of vodka I downed before I came and the pill someone handed me that I just took. Reckless, yes, but at this stage, I just don’t care. The effects of whatever I took kick in fast, the music pulsing through my body and making me feel like I’m vibrating all over. I push my way onto the dance floor, bodies crammed in tight, bare chests gleaming with sweat and making my mouth water at the flesh on display. None of them are Jake, but I ignore that thought and push on. Hands grab at me as I dance, but I don’t stop to see who they belong to. At several points, guys grind against my arse, their hands on my hips, pulling me back towards them but I don’t care. I’m here to forget and that’s exactly what I’m going to do. Somewhere along the line, my shirt comes off and someone grabs me, smashing his lips against mine. I let his tongue into my mouth but it doesn’t feel right; he’s not Jake. I party harder after that, more booze, more pills, anything to help me forget, to fill the gaping hole in my chest.

The nights turn into a blur of dancing and bodies. K Road becomes my second home. Soon faces start becoming familiar to me and me to them. I can see the hunger in some of their eyes, the undeniable lust in the way they look at me but I never act on it. My plan to get over Jake by getting under someone else is good in theory, but something keeps stopping me. I want to, I know if I’m going to get over Jake I should move on, but he still continues to haunt me. Every guy I see I compare to him and every single one comes up short. He may have broken my heart, but it’s clear that he still holds it.

Tonight when I walk into the club I’m met with cheers, and two bodies break out of the fray. Jonny and Brook prowl towards me. I smile when I see them coming, knowing they have some of the best shit.

“Lookin’ good tonight, B,” Jonny drawls, as Brook circles around me, grabbing my arse as he walks past.

“I’ll say,” he seconds.

“What’s on the menu?” I ask.

“You?” Jonny questions. I shake my head. Brook stops circling and hooks an arm across Jonny’s chest, his other hand running down his abs to rest on his belt buckle. “How about us then?”

“What have you got for me?” I ask, ignoring their offer. As hot as they are, Jonny’s rugged manliness and Brook’s hot surfie routine just don’t do it for me. I’m beginning to think I won’t want anyone ever again.

A hand appears with two white tabs. I don’t even hesitate before grabbing them and swallowing them dry. With a hoot, the boys each grab one of my hands and pull me onto the dance floor. We bump and grind, both of them taking turns at my front. The room becomes hotter, or maybe it’s me, so I tear my shirt off. Hands roam my torso, with the odd brush below my belt. Lips nip and suck at my neck and my cock twitches. I’m out of control, but Brook and Jonny sandwiching me keeps me from totally flying off into the ether. I’m barely here, floating on a cloud of pixie dust when I’m pulled from the fray. I follow aimlessly, my legs barely able to hold me up. A giggle escapes from my throat and the sound of it only makes me laugh more.

“That’s right, baby,” someone says in my ear, “just go with the flow, we’ll take good care of you.”

A rough hand grabs my jaw and directs my head towards Jonny’s. His lips capture mine, demanding and possessive. I moan when his tongue touches mine, my hands rising to cup his cheeks, his stubble rough against my palms. It reminds me so much of Jake’s, and in this moment I miss him so badly that any touch is welcome. I’m so sick of being alone, of having my heart be an aching mess in my chest. I shut my eyes tight, pretending the lips I’m kissing are Jake’s, the hands at my belt are his and it’s him kneeling in front of me, running his hand up and down my dick that’s rock hard for him. I don’t even open them when a tongue licks at my crown or when a mouth slides down on me. Instead, I thrust into the mouth and grab the other face harder, devouring it. The kiss goes on and on, and soon my release builds. I break away, panting, and look down to see a blond head bobbing at my crotch. But it’s the wrong blond. It’s too blond. It’s not Jake. It’ll never be Jake because he’s gone. He left me. I’m all alone and maybe I deserve to be too. For all the bad things I’ve done in my life, maybe this is karma coming back to haunt me. No matter how many guys throw themselves at my feet, they’ll never be him.

“No,” I say, pulling my dick free.

“What’s wrong, baby?” Jonny asks, nuzzling my neck.

“Yeah,” Brook says, still kneeling in front of me, “I thought we were having a good time? I know you certainly were.” He licks his lips.

I tuck myself away and continue to edge towards the bathroom door. “You’re not Jake,” I tell them.

Brook stands and once again slings an arm around Jonny’s chest. “We can be anyone you want us to be.”

I shake my head. “No.”

“Oh come on,” Jonny says, “you were into it.”

“I’m sorry,” I say as my back hits the door. I fumble for the handle before wrenching it open and dashing out of there.

As I make my way out of the club, more hands grab at me, but I bat them away, my hysteria rising the longer I stay in the crowded space. I stumble onto the street, the fresh air helping to clear my foggy head. What a royal fuck up. I laugh, ’cause that’s exactly what I am. A Royal and a fuck up. God, I’m such a mess; no wonder Jake left. I wouldn’t want to be with me either.