“Twinkle Twinkle, Little Star”

My muscles felt taut as I ran, but I didn’t stop. In fact, I started running faster, trying to catch up with the cyclists that had just past me. Concentrate on the running, Carter, concentrate on the running. My mind didn’t want to concentrate on the running, it wanted to think about the fact that I was going to be a dad. How was this possible? My heart thudded as I ran even faster, and it wasn’t due to the adrenaline of pushing myself from running the entire circumference of Prospect Park.

Was the sex worth it? A demon in my head said. This is what you get for thinking with your dick. I looked at a mother pushing a stroller on the pavement to the right of me and there was a massive smile on her face. I could see her diamond ring sparkling in the sunlight and I wondered if Lila had gotten pregnant to try to trap me into marrying her. Immediately I felt ashamed of myself for the thought. Lila wasn’t that sort of girl and if I was honest, she’d looked even more terrified than I had when I’d said she was pregnant. Granted, we weren’t one hundred percent sure, she was going to the doctors to check. She was most probably there right now, in fact.

Fuck. My calves were cramping up, but still I persisted. I’d been running for ten miles already. I hadn’t run over five miles since my high school track days, and my body was going to hate me tomorrow for pushing it so hard today. I didn’t care. I would most probably have more worries than aching muscles to think about tomorrow. What was I going to do with a baby? I didn’t even like babies. They cried. They pooped. They looked weird. And how was this going to work with Lila? I had no doubt in my mind she would make a great mother. She was a wonderful caring human being, after all, but that didn’t mean it was right for us to have a baby together. And I wasn’t sure what kind of dad I would make. I heard my phone ringing then, and I didn’t check it. I didn’t want to look and see that it was Lila. I didn’t want the reality of the situation to come to fruition. How was I going to tell Danielle? She went away for a month, and I looked after her dog who looked to me as if he had gained weight, and I’d gotten her friend and neighbor pregnant.

“Welcome back, sis, you’re going to be an aunt.” I groaned as I ran, and then I tripped on a small pebble and nearly went crashing into the ground. I stopped running and took a deep breath. I walked over to the grass and lay down and looked up at the sky. It was a bright sunny day, and the sky was a beautiful light blue with big fluffy white clouds. I played with the grass as I lay there and then took a few deep breaths. For some reason, the lyrics to “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” started running through my mind. I’d have to go from singing rock to singing nursery rhymes. I groaned again. This was why I didn’t see women more than once a week and this was why I didn’t date. I just hooked up. Because when you date you get comfortable. And when you date you make stupid mistakes. When you date you get the girl you’ve been sleeping with for a month or so pregnant. Granted, this most probably wasn’t the norm, and I should have had my head screwed on straight at all times, but it was too late to blame myself now.

My phone was ringing again, and I sighed as I pulled it out of my pocket. Guess it was time to adult and face the music.

“Hey, so boy or girl?”

“What?” Harley’s voice drawled into the phone. “What are you talking about? Are you dating dudes now?”

“Harley, shut up.” I wasn’t in the mood for his crap. “What do you want?”

“Way to treat your best friend and bandmate.”

“You’re not my best friend. What’s up?”

“Yo, dude, chill, what’s up?” He sounded concerned.

“It’s a long story.” I sighed. “Let’s just say I might be a dad soon.”

“Thought that would have happened sooner.”

“Really, dude? Like really?” I was getting annoyed.

“Who’s the unlucky mama?”

“The blonde you saw at the show.”

“Oh, big tits?”

“Harley, I swear . . .” I growled.

“My bad, she’s your baby mama now.” He laughed, and I clenched my fist.

“What the fuck do you want, dude?” I was about to hang up on him.

“So, the execs from Universal called me, they tried to call you, but you didn’t answer. Anyway, they got a gig for us in Canada to test the market and see how people like us.”

“Canada?” I said, jumping up. “When?”

“In a couple of months.”

“Okay.” I nodded. “That’s doable. For how long?”

“Two weeks. And, dude, the pay is good. Twenty grand for you and me, and ten grand for Lucas.”

“Not bad.” I grinned into the phone, suddenly feeling better. This was awesome. We were finally getting a break.

“I think we need to call Carlos, dude, we need a manager now, and he’s a manager and a lawyer so he can really help us out with contracts and stuff.”

“Yeah, yeah,” I agreed. Carlos was Harley’s pool buddy from the Bronx and he knew the business inside out. We hadn’t hired him before because we’d only played local gigs, but now this was getting serious, we needed someone who knew what he was doing. “Try and get him to take five percent. I don’t want to be giving away ten percent.”

“Yeah, I’ll talk to him, man,” Harley drawled, and then he spoke in a serious voice. “So what are you going to do about the baby? You guys keeping it?”

“What do you mean?” I frowned into the phone.

“Are you guys keeping it, you know?” His voice was lower. “I mean, there are options, man, if you’re not ready.”

“We’re keeping it,” I said immediately as a little baby with Lila’s smiling brown eyes flashed into my mind. There was no doubt in my mind that if she was pregnant, we were keeping it. Unless of course, she didn’t want to. What if she didn’t want to? My heart started racing fast. What would I do? What would I say? I didn’t even know if I had the option to say anything? Did my opinion matter? And did I even have a right to an opinion if I was avoiding her calls? “Look I got to go,” I said suddenly. I had to call Lila. I had to find out if she was definitely pregnant or not. And what she wanted to do. I hung up without waiting for Harley to speak and looked at my missed calls. None of them were actually from Lila. She hadn’t called me after all, and I felt angry. Why hadn’t she called me to update me? I checked my texts, and there was nothing from her there either.

“Hey, what’s going on?” I texted her. I had a feeling that if I called I might sound angry, and I didn’t want to sound angry.

“Just sitting here waiting.” She texted me back immediately and I let out a sigh of relief. Okay, so she hadn’t been withholding the news on me.

“If you’re pregnant, we’re having the baby, right?” I texted, knowing that this was not an appropriate conversation to have via text message but not being able to stop myself.

“Huh?”

“We’re going to have the baby if you’re pregnant, right?”

“Hold on, nurse just came in . . .”

I stared at the screen my heart racing.

“What did she say?” I waited with bated breath for the answer. What if she wasn’t pregnant after all? What if there was no baby after all this? I felt a sudden disappointment as the image of the small baby with Lila’s brown eyes and cute smile popped into my face. We’d have a beautiful baby if she was pregnant.

“I’m pregnant.” She typed about five minutes later, and the relief I felt shocked me. “Are you okay?” She typed again when I hadn’t responded.

“Yes.” I typed back. “Can I come over?”

“I’ll be home in an hour.”

“Great. I’ll see you then.”

“Hey,” Lila said as she opened her front door. She was wearing a pair of blue jeans and a Hawkeyes sweater. Her hair was up in a messy ponytail, and her face was clean of makeup. She looked beautiful and sweet, and I just wanted to pull her into my arms.

“Hey,” I said. “I got this for you.” I held up a little stuffed elephant toy that I’d bought in a store on my way back from the park and handed it to her. “For the baby.”

“What?” She looked at me like I was crazy and then started laughing. “Oh, Carter.”

“What?” I said. “Babies love teddy bears right? I loved them when I was a kid.”

“There’s a lot more for us to think about than that.” She shook her head as she gazed at me with a tender expression in her eyes. “You should come in.”

“Thanks,” I said as I followed her in, and we headed toward the living room.

“Want a drink?” she offered, and I shook my head.

“How are you feeling?” I asked her as we sat down on the couch. “Do you need anything?”

“Carter, I literally just found out I’m pregnant.” She touched my arm. “I’m fine. I don’t need anything.”

“Okay.” I nodded. “Makes sense. So . . .” I started to talk, but all of a sudden words failed me. What the hell did I say now?

“Yes?”

“I’m not ready to get married,” I blurted out. “I mean I know people get married for kids all the time, and I think that’s noble, but I don’t think we should rush into anything too serious.” I groaned as I listened to the words I’d just said. “Sorry, that came out wrong.”

“Carter, I’m not expecting you to marry me.” She looked down at her lap. “Don’t worry about it. Actually, I have something to tell you.”

“Oh?” Oh my God, was she going to tell me that Dante was the father? If she told me that, I swore I would lose it. After all her denials. I would lose it. My eyes narrowed as I looked at her and then at her stomach. I looked back up at her face, and she had a small smile as she stared at me.

“What are you thinking right now, Carter?”

“You don’t want to know.”

“I’m sure I already know.” She sighed. “You’re really an idiot, you know that, right?”

“I’m the idiot? What?”

“Look, Carter, I’m going to Iowa tomorrow.”

“What?” My jaw dropped, and I could feel myself growing nervous. “Forever?”

“No.” She shook her head. “For a couple of weeks. I have some vacation time, and I haven’t seen my parents in ages. I need to just go home and think for a bit.”

“You mean away from me?”

“No, I just mean away from the city and work and everything.” She shrugged. “This is life-changing news for me. I need to figure out how I’m going to handle it.”

“What do you mean?” My heart froze.

“I mean, I’m keeping the baby, but I’m not sure if the city is a great place to be a single mom.” She sighed. “I don’t know how I’m going to do this.”

“I’m still here,” I said with a frown. “I’ll be able to help.” But I wasn’t really sure how true that was or how feasible. Wasn’t I just about to go to Canada for two weeks, and what if the band really picked up and got world tours? What help would I be then?

“Really?” She looked doubtful. “I mean you just quit your job to become a musician. I’m not sure how much time you’ll have.”

I started to feel guilty and annoyed at the same time. This was my dream. This had always been my dream. Granted I was thirty now and should be responsible, but I didn’t want this. I didn’t want to be settled down with a kid. This wasn’t the life I had signed up for. I was starting to feel like I was going to be trapped into a life I didn’t really want.

“Carter, look at me,” she snapped, and I looked into her eyes. “Your face looks absolutely miserable.” She sighed. “Look, I’m not asking you to be a part of this baby’s life. I know you weren’t even looking for a serious relationship, so a baby was not part of your equation. I’m an adult. I can look after this baby by myself. You don’t even have to pay child support. I know you won’t have any income once you quit your job.”

“You make me sound like a deadbeat dad.” I was angry again. “I will pay for my child, Lila.”

“I don’t think you will be a deadbeat dad.” Her voice was soft, and she took a hold of my hands. “I just don’t want you to feel any pressure. I know your career as a musician is important to you. I know that you’ve been waiting for this moment for your whole life. I want you to go out and pursue your dreams, Carter.” Her voice was so caring that it immediately made me feel guilty. How could she be so thoughtful to me in this situation? I was an insensitive jerk. I knew it at that moment as surely as I knew that I had blond hair and blue eyes. I was an asshole, and if Danielle found herself in a situation with a guy like me, I would beat him up.

“I don’t deserve you.” I sighed as I moved her fingers up and kissed them. “We’ll figure this out, I promise.”

“I know we will.” She smiled. “This is a good thing. Or it will be.”

“God, I hated picking up Frosty’s poop. I can’t imagine cleaning a baby’s dirty butt.” I made a face, and she laughed, her eyes crinkling as she threw her head back. She grabbed a hold of my face and kissed me, her hands running through my hair, and I kissed her back eagerly, loving how her lips against mine just felt so right. We fell back onto the couch, and I ran my hands down her arms and cupped her breasts.

“I guess we can’t do it anymore, huh?” I muttered regretfully as I felt myself growing hard against her.

“Huh?” She looked confused.

“Now that you’re pregnant?”

“Oh, you goof, of course, we can.” She laughed, and I watched as she pulled her sweater off and threw it on the ground. “Get your clothes off, Carter.” She winked at me and wiggled on the couch as she started taking her jeans off. I reached for my T-shirt and started pulling it off, and as I gazed at her giggling on the couch it suddenly hit me that I loved this woman, and it was at that moment that I started to feel even more scared.