CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
The Past Cometh to Haunt and Heal
…Two weeks later
The old storage unit was located in an area known to be devoid of light. The city didn’t seem to ensure that the bulbs were well maintained, so Addison decided to make this as quick as possible. Besides, it was cold outside, she was alone, and her sisters were eager to go to some swanky new club that she’d been talked into attending for a late-night get together. She opened the unit and immediately turned on the light, then waved her hand around as dust particles flew in her direction.
The box she was looking for, the one filled with all of her old school books and notes from college, had been clearly marked. She hoped to locate the damn thing sooner rather than later.
I really need to go through all of this stuff and toss the shit I don’t want or need anymore…
These were the relics from her failed marriage. Some of the boxes belonged to Daniel, things he’d left behind and never reclaimed. A number of them were filled with items they’d purchased together, including seashell necklaces from their trip to Jamaica, a red shawl she’d snatched up but later hated from their excursion to London.
Much to her surprise as she sorted through the possessions, she didn’t feel anything at all. They were just things from a long-closed chapter in her life. Something that caused broken-hearted tears before pulled no reaction from her now. There was something oddly peaceful about not caring. She picked up one of Daniel’s old jerseys and tossed it aside, ready for the trashcan.
Ahhh, there it is.
Wading through the maze, she finally spotted the box she needed. Peeling the tape back, she looked inside at a mountain of books, papers, notes, and old college photos. Oh, what fun it would be to reminisce. Her heart beat in excitement as she reached for her “American Sign Language” book, wedged between the “Phonetics” book and a binder full of printouts of clinical trials. As she flipped through the pages, a note fell out. She set the heavy book down onto a nearby box. Plucking the folded piece paper from the floor, she unfolded it and read the words written on it…
Addison,
I’m writing you this letter because I love you. I’ve never met a woman like you in my entire life, and though I’m not the best with words, I felt as if this was the best way to express to you what I feel in my heart. I know that I cheated, you know that, but it doesn’t mean I don’t love you. It was a physical affair, not an emotional one, and anyone who says otherwise is not telling the truth. I work long hours and sometimes it gets lonely. You’re not innocent, either. I’ve seen how you look at Jay. I suppose you were right though. I haven’t been there for you to lend moral support. Regardless, I want to make this work. I want another chance. Please don’t give up on us.
Daniel
She balled the letter up in her fist, shook her head, and burst out laughing. Like a fool, she’d taken him back all those years ago. There’d been no Jay she had her eye on, she’d not cheated emotionally or physically, and yet she’d taken blame for a situation she’d never created. Young, dumb, and lacking personal income, she’d traded her dignity for something worthless…
Addison sighed, feeling completely liberated. She no longer cared about Daniel. She didn’t worry about what he was doing, who he was seeing, fucking, or giving his heart to. So many nights she used to lie awake crying her eyes out, hoping and praying her husband would come home, that he’d love her the way she’d loved him, the way she deserved. But now, she felt nothing but the cold, icier than a glacier in the North Pole. She loved and craved this numbness. Discarding the note, she pulled her cellphone out of her pocket.
“Hello, you have reached Newcastle Heated Storage. Our hours are 8:00 am–5:30 PM, Monday through Friday and 9:00 AM – 2:00 PM on Saturdays. Please leave a message and we will get back in touch with you during normal business hours. If this is an emergency, please call, (425) 329 – 3787. Thank you and have a nice day.”
“Hi, this is Addison Blue. I have been renting storage unit 36. I would like to terminate my contract for the next billing cycle. I will be removing the contents that I need this weekend, and everything else left inside after that, please feel free to auction off, donate, or I am willing to pay to have it pitched. Thank you so much. I am clearing everything out. I have no more room to dedicate to anything that no longer matters…”
“I finally got to meet her after all of this time! You’re such an ass, Aiden. I’d been asking for weeks,” Perry said, none too happy.
“It wasn’t on purpose, you were working a lot of overtime.”
“I would have made time for her. Besides, my sister-in-law needs to be properly acclimated into the Summers clan. Heeey! We need more beer over here!” Perry obnoxiously called out.
Tim and a few other of his friends sat with them at a large table knocking back a few brewskies and watching the girls dance. Club Razor was not the place he’d imagined for hosting their engagement party, but Tim insisted it was the perfect spot. He was wrong; the venue was wrought with skuzzy people, techno music that thumped in your chest, and the air was coated in second hand marijuana smoke. But all he and Addison could do was laugh and roll with it anyhow. Her parents had cut out early, and now it was just she and her sisters and a few of her friends and Denise shaking their asses under the spinning lights.
“Tonight was fun, man. This is good. I think you made a good choice.” Tim chugged a bottle of beer like there was no tomorrow.
“Well, thank you, ol’ wise one. What would I do without your keen insight?” Aiden teased as he searched in vain for a nacho with a bit of cheese on it. He was certain Addison would’ve wanted a swankier dive, something posh and classy, but he was happy she’d been a good sport and took Tim up on his offer to host and pay for the entire shindig as an early wedding gift. Aiden began to zone out as he focused on his sweetie. He could hear his friends around him chit chatting, talking it up, but their voices became more and more muted as he watched her laugh, talk to her friends, and snap her fingers in the air.
She’s the most beautiful fucking thing I’ve ever seen…
He could not hear her words, but he still listened to her voice.
She was heard, loud and clear. Her soul was always in stereo, singing to him, reminding him that not every day was awesome, and there was no reason to pretend that it was. But each day was a blessing because someone out in the world loved us, and love is what made a person not just heard, but listened to. Love made a man pour his soul over the pain of his loved ones like water on a flame. Love was the question and the answer, and at the end of the day, the only thing that mattered…
I played golf with my future-father-in-law. I freaking suck at golf but I’m sure he wasn’t disappointed, especially after he’d won our little wager…
Aiden walked into his condo, exhausted. He’d spent the entire morning playing a game he abhorred but refusing such an invitation from Mr. Blue would have been viewed as a slap in the face. He had to admit though, he’d had a great time and they’d enjoyed some good coffee and apple Danishes afterward.
Then, in the afternoon, he roamed around town with Addison while she took her time picking out her dream wedding gown. They all looked the same to him, and by the eighth one, he admitted this. Still, that didn’t stop her from continuing to ask his opinion. He had no idea why he had to go, but he figured perhaps if he did, he could get a bit of nookie later in the day. That time of the month had just passed and now, she was free and clear. Surely she couldn’t refuse someone who’d held her damn purse while she slid into twenty-three dresses, now could she?
Her mother was there, protesting that she was breaking tradition by allowing him to see all of this sacred wedding dress mess play out in the first place, but all Addison could say was, “I’m not a traditional woman, Mom.” And no one could argue with that; the lady was right. He slumped down on the couch, dead on his feet, glad that the golfing and wedding dress fittings were finally done. Addison would come over soon, but this was his moment to breath in and breath out, collect himself and perhaps get in a snooze. Soon he was fast asleep, but the oddest dream took over his REM state…
He was standing with a golden golf club in hand and he could hear Mr. Blue giving him pointers in the background. He couldn’t see the man, and he didn’t sound like himself. In fact, Aiden didn’t recognize the voice speaking at all. And yet, it seemed oddly familiar. As he looked for his future father-in-law, he heard the voice say, “I’m your father.”
“Yeah, my father-in-law.”
“No, I’m your father, Aiden… your real father.”
He turned in all directions until he was dizzy, the world spinning around him.
Aiden suddenly bolted up, awake, breathing heavily, his shirt stuck to his chest. Getting up from the couch, he went to splash his face in the sink, then filled a glass with tap water and drank the whole thing. He stood there for a long while, his thoughts racing.
He’d never had a dream about his biological father. Perhaps something about his time with Mr. Blue had sparked it. It had to have. In the weeks that had passed, he found himself discreetly studying the man and Addison from time to time. Not in a bad way; he was happy that his woman had such a close bond with her father, and he felt that, one day, he’d have a close bond with the man, too. But he wasn’t his father… and that was just the cruel, hard fact. Suddenly, his phone rang. Aiden made his way back over to the couch and answered.
“Hey baby, I’ll be over in a bit,” Addison said. “I had to finalize some stuff with my sister for the flowers. Did you want me to pick up anything on the way over?”
“Nah, I’m good. Thanks.”
“All right. See you in a bit.”
“Okay, see you.” He disconnected the call and returned to the couch. He must’ve stayed that way for at least ten minutes, barely blinking, then he logged into Facebook. In the search bar for profiles, he typed in the name: Gregory Bernard.
Many names popped up, more than he’d expected. He began to click on the various profiles.
No, that couldn’t be him… this guy lives in France. He could’ve moved to France I guess though… Nah, that’s not how Mom described him looking and this guy says he was born and raised there.
Nope, that’s not him, either… He’s way too young.
Hmmm, he has no profile picture but according to these other pictures, I doubt it’s him…
Mom had said he and I resemble each other. She said he liked motorcycles… he had a tattoo of a spider on his neck and long, light brown hair… He had a daughter named Rebecca who was about three when I was born. His ex-wife’s name was Vicki…
He kept on searching the names, one by one. Then he typed in, Rebecca Bernard, too, and he kept on going and going and going…
Something inside him had awakened. Reborn. He cared once again. The curiosity within him was sparked and he wanted to find the man who was partially responsible for his existence in this world. He wanted to look him in the eye, and if he was still alive, he wanted to give him a piece of his mind. He wanted to finally be heard…
“Please don’t hang up.” Her voice was clear that morning, though she sounded rather down in the dumps. “Aiden, Perry is over at my apartment. I called him first and he came.”
“So? Unless you are sober and going to get help, then there is nothing we need to discuss.” He glanced over to his left to see Addison lying peacefully on the pillow, still sound asleep.
“I want to talk to you about that, Aiden. Can you come over? I can give you my address. I just moved into a new place.”
Aiden took a deep breath and thought about it.
This might be one of her infamous little tricks. She might get me over there and tell a bunch of lies to try to play on my sympathy and get me back in the same damn spot I was in before!
But then he thought about her speaking to his boss, and all the things William told him she’d said…
“All right, text it to me. I’ll come.”
“Okay. Can you come soon?”
“Yeah.” And then he disconnected the call. Moments later, he was in the shower and then getting dressed. He moved like a tornado, spinning and in a frenzy to get it done and over with. He confirmed she’d text him her new apartment address. Gripping Addison’s shoulder, he gently roused her. She sat up, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes, and peered at him.
“Hey, is it time to go?” she asked, half out of it. “Am I late for work?”
“No, baby. Today is Sunday. Look, I am about to go over to my mom’s place. I should be back soon.”
She yawned. “Is everything okay?”
“Yeah. She got a new apartment apparently and wants to talk to Perry and me. I’ll fill you in when I get back.”
Dropping a quick kiss on her lips, he grabbed his jacket and keys and headed out the door. After putting the address into his Google Maps app, he arrived at a high-rise apartment building. Looking for a viable parking spot, he finally tucked his car into one, then headed up a pathway to the gate. Aiden grabbed his phone from his pocket and called her.
“Hi,” she answered, a bit chipper in her tone.
“I’m here. I rang the buzzer.”
“It’s broken, supposed to be fixed in the next few days. I’ll send Perry down to let you in.” She hung up and in moments, Perry slinked towards him with his hands jammed in his pockets. He undid the lock and opened the door. They walked side by side down a narrow hallway towards some old elevators. The numbers barely lit.
“I thought we agreed we weren’t talking to Mom until she promised treatment for sobriety?” Aiden questioned without looking his brother in the eye.
Perry shrugged. “We did. But she said she had somethin’ important to say.”
Aiden said nothing further as they got onto the elevator and rode up to the fifth floor.
“This place is a shit hole,” Perry continued. “It’s month to month though and that’s what she needed. The landlord is a nasty guy who keeps hittin’ on her, too. He’s married. I want her outta here.”
“It’s probably all she can afford right now.”
The elevators doors opened, revealing a siren-red-haired teenager girl with a face laden with makeup, smacking hard on a wad of gum. She rolled her big, dark eyes at them before shoving herself between them, jumping on the elevator, and punching the button to go down. They walked towards Mom’s apartment in silence. As soon as they got to it, a sense of foreboding overcame him. The scent of bleach, cigarettes, and greasy foods all mingled together in the dark hallway, tinged with a mustiness that made him nauseous. Mom opened the door and, much to his surprise, she looked like she’d put on a few pounds.
“Baby, so glad you’re here!” she squealed as she slipped her arm around his neck and brought him down for a kiss on the cheek. In one hand she held a cigarette, careful to not let it hit his leather jacket as she kicked the door closed behind him.
Perry walked off and left him there as he looked around the place. The walls were riddled with foundation cracks, the kitchen old and small, and the cramped rooms ran into each other. Extreme’s, “More Than Words” played on her radio.
“Sit down, honey.” Mom’s voice broke through his observations. He made his way to a small white table where Perry was now sitting, and three glasses of cola were already poured, ready for them. Grabbing a chair, he sat down.
“So, what’s up?” he asked her. He clasped his hands together, not expecting much. “What’s going on?”
Mom fell back into her seat, crossed her denim clad legs and exhaled smoke. She blew it towards the ceiling, causing her hair to fly about.
“I’ve made up my mind. A couple nights ago, I called Center For Discovery Washington. They’re admitting me.” He shot a glance at Perry and didn’t miss his surprised expression. “This isn’t my first time going to rehab as you both know, but it’s my first time doing it on my own terms. I don’t wanna be like this anymore.” She took another toke of her cigarette, then placed it down into the ashtray. “I told them I wanted to start tomorrow. Somebody is gonna come and get me first thing in the morning.”
“How long is the treatment?”
“Ninety days. Then they have aftercare programs. My boss knows about it and was kind enough to promise my job back to me. He even said he’d give me half pay while I was away, so I could still keep the rent going. Once I get on my feet, I’m moving out of here and getting me a nice place… like the one I had before.” Aiden didn’t dare speak, for fear of breaking the spell. “I wanna tell you both that I’m sorry. Aiden, I called you a piece of shit. Well, I’m the piece of shit.”
“Mom, self-deprecation isn’t going to help.” Aiden leaned over and placed his hand on her shoulder. She avoided her sons’ gazes as silent tears flowed down her face.
“Who said anything about helping?” She swung her leg back and forth stared at a blank, dirty wall. “A fact is a fact. I want to tell you two something. Something I never wanted to talk about until now. I take that back. I still don’t want to talk about it, but maybe it’ll help. Aiden, when you were about eleven, and Perry was eight, I was working a second job down at Wilton’s, the bar. Remember?”
“Yeah, I remember. They’re closed now. You did janitorial work for that bar, got the bathrooms cleaned and stuff.”
“Yeah,” She reached for her cigarette and took a drag, then placed it back down. “It was a way for me to get a little extra cash. One night, there was a robbery. It was just me and Big. You probably don’t remember Big. He was a bartender there, had been there for years. Big guy, a teddy bear. Anyway, these fuckers came in and they asked me to open the safe. I freaked out. I started screaming. I told them I didn’t have the combination to the safe, and I didn’t. Why would I?” She shrugged. “They didn’t believe me. One of the guys pistol slapped me because he said I was screaming so much. He then jammed the pistol in my mouth and threatened to shoot. He made like he was going to pull the trigger.” Mom’s leg swung harder and faster and her eyes glossed over. “Big jumped up to help me and they shot him in the head, right in front of me.” Perry and Aiden locked eyes. “I lay there, with Big dyin’ in my arms while they ransacked the place. One of ’em kept a gun to my head.
“By the time they left, I knew Big was dead. I closed his eyes; his blood was all over me… he had a pregnant wife and kids. I wasn’t the same after that. A few years before that, your grandmother died. You know how close she and I were. I have had a string of bad luck, boys… But you’re not boys, you’re men. You grew up without me.” She sniffed and ran the back of her hand across her wet eyes. “A lot of things have happened in my life, some I have no plans of telling. It wouldn’t serve any purpose, but I chose to tell you about the robbery because that’s when I hit my lowest low. They never caught the guys and I always felt like his family blamed me. I blamed me, too. I felt like it was my fault that Big was dead.”
“But that wasn’t your fault, Mom,” Perry spoke softly.
“It sure seemed like it though. I carried that guilt for a long, long time. Maybe if I could have just stopped screaming… maybe if I had known the safe combination… maybe if as soon as I saw them I got us both outta there instead of waiting for them to get closer to see who they were. Well, that’s when my drinking went from casual to habitual. I needed that alcohol. I needed it like we need air to breathe. I couldn’t function without it. I was having nightmares. I kept seeing him being shot in the head over and over again. I wasn’t a perfect mom, but I had tried my best up until that point. After that, I ain’t even feel like trying anymore.” Aiden reached for his mother’s hand and squeezed it. Perry grabbed the other and did the same. The three of them sat there, quiet, while Mom shed silent tears. “My bad choices showed in men, too. I was tryna fill a void all my life. My daddy died when I was just a little baby. I think I was always looking for someone to take care of me… someone to be human in a world filled with cruelty.”
“Mom, you actually hit on something I’ve been wondering.” She turned in his direction, her cheeks stained with black mascara streaks.
“What?”
“Remember our fight outside my job? I brought up Perry and my father. Let’s settle this. I want you to tell us all you know about our fathers, even if you think it’s something small or not important.”
She looked at him long and hard, then got up from her seat and disappeared into what he presumed was her bedroom. She returned with a large photo album and set it down on the table.
“Aiden, your father, Gregory, is right here.”
She turned the book in his direction and his heart thumped hard in his chest. All of these years he’d asked if she had any photos of the man, and she’d always said ‘no.’ He wanted to throw those lies in her face, make her answer ‘Why?’ but he swallowed the anger and simply listened.
Mom smiled as she looked down at the faded picture of the man in a black leather vest, resting against a big Harley Davidson. His long hair flowed over his shoulders and he had a thick mustache and a sneaky smirk. “This is us when I was pregnant with you.” He couldn’t help but smile at the photo of Mom’s rounded belly in a red dress. The man had his hand affectionately placed on her stomach. They looked happy… They looked in love.
“What happened between the two of you? The real story.”
“I guess he just didn’t want to be tied down any longer, Aiden. One day I came back to our apartment and all his shit was gone. I finally tracked him down, but he treated me like some girl he barely knew. Just like I told you before, I told him when I had you. He saw you one time, held you, then that was it.” She slammed the photo album shut, a special pain bleeding in her tone and the way she closed that book.
“What about me?” Perry’s voice broke through like one of the tiny fractures on the wall. “What about my father?” Mom turned and looked at him, then shook her head. He turned away, and his little brother’s pain instantaneously filled the room. Mom didn’t know who Perry’s father was. She’d told them that many times, but as she sat here stone sober, Aiden supposed that maybe, just maybe, she’d have something new to say.
“Perry, I’m sorry. I was dating a lot when I got pregnant with you… sleepin’ around.” She swallowed. “I have no idea who your father is. I meant that when I’d said it. Some of the guys I didn’t even know.”
Perry nodded in understanding, but he knew his brother didn’t actually understand. For a moment, he’d probably entertained a sliver of hope, but that flame died out as quickly as it was lit.
“Mom, I want to try and find my biological father, Greg. I looked him up online, but I have no idea if any of the profiles I saw were him or not. Do you know anything about where he might be?” After a long hesitation, she opened the photo album back up, pulled out the picture of the man on the motorcycle, and handed to him. A dark, rectangular frame remained on the album in its stead.
“There you go. I think I told you everything I could… I have no idea where he is, Aiden. He could be living right under our noses, clear across the world, or dead. Use this picture. Maybe it will help you.”
He looked at the photo, blinked a few times, and swallowed his anguish as he put it in his jacket pocket. Reaching across the table, he took her hand in his again. Perry wiped his eye, and took her other hand, too.
“We’re proud of you, Mom,” Perry uttered. His voice was choppy, wrought with agony. “Get healthy so we can be a family again.” Mom began to cry loud this time, nodding and breaking down, letting all the pain out.
For the first time in a long time, Aiden believed his mother was embarrassed of some of the things she’d done… downright ashamed.
“Mom, I don’t have a father and I accept that that’ll never change, but I have you, my girlfriend, my friends and Aiden,” Perry said. “I’ll be all right… Isn’t that right, Aiden? It’s only been us three since day one. We’re a strong bunch. Some things I may just never know. And you know what? Maybe it was just meant to be…”