CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Indiana
My heart is still hurting for him. Thinking of how he must’ve felt as a small boy, and the fact that he’s been carrying that stigma around for all these years. It breaks my heart. Although unfounded, his attitude since the day we met suddenly makes sense. I hate that he feels so lowly of himself, especially since they were circumstances beyond his control. How could his grandfather, his own flesh and blood, label him like that? He was just a fucking kid. He didn’t ask to be born.
As I kiss him, I try my hardest to show him without words, how special he is, how much I care for him. How he’s nothing like the perception he has of himself. We’ve both tried so hard to keep our friendship completely platonic the past few weeks, but tonight I need him. I think he needs this, too.
I need to lose myself in him so I don’t have to think about my dad falling to pieces back at the house. So much for my damn ‘Distraction’ playlist. In between songs I could still hear his muffled cries. That’s why I came down here. Every year I dread this date. I’ve always hoped as the years passed, things will get easier for my dad, but not this year. Hopefully next.
Carter’s hands slide from my waist down to my arse. He draws me in, my centre pressing hard against his erection. I moan into his mouth. I don’t even recognise myself when I am with him like this. He makes me so wild. One of his hands move under my top as his fingers lightly skim up and over my stomach, making me shiver, until he’s palming my breast and pinching my nipple through the lace fabric of my bra. My hands tangle in his hair as I rock my hips forward.
I’ve only been kissing him for a few minutes and I’m already on the verge of coming undone. I could get addicted to the way he makes my body feel. Our kiss soon turns primal. It’s like we can’t get enough of each other.
His hand moves down between us as he rubs my clit through the thin material of my shorts.
“Come for me, beautiful,” he whispers as his lips make a trail across my jaw and down my neck. I lean my head back and moan. It only takes me a few seconds before I call out his name when my orgasm hits. When I open my eyes I find him looking at me, smiling. “I love watching you come.” I feel my face heat. “Don’t go all shy on me now,” he adds as he leans forward and plants a soft kiss on my nose.
I can still feel his erection pressing into my inner thigh. Sliding my hand down his body, I stoke him through his jeans. “Don’t,” he says pulling my hand away.
“What? Why? I want to give you relief.”
“No. I’ve been trying my hardest to behave around you for weeks. I let this go as far as it did tonight because you needed it. If we don’t stop this now, I may not be able to control myself. You make me crazy,” he admits.
“Well don’t stop.”
“I told you, we can’t go there, Indi. Your first time should be with someone special. That’s not me.” I move my hand up to cup his face.
“You are special, Carter. I want you to be my first.” I mean every word, too. I may regret it, but I doubt it. Even if we can’t be together after tonight, I’ll still treasure the fact that he was my first.
“You don’t mean that,” he says placing his hand on the back of my head, pulling my face into his chest. I can hear his heart beating wildly. I love being held like this, by him. When I’m with Carter, he makes me feel like nobody else but us exists in the world. He obviously has no idea how much I want this.
“I do. Please, Carter. Don’t make me beg.”
“I don’t do commitments, Indi. I’m not boyfriend material.”
“I’m not asking you to be my boyfriend,” I say pulling my head back so I can see his face.
“Well what then?” Even in this light, I can see his vulnerability. I wish he didn’t have such a low opinion of himself. I wish he could see himself through my eyes then he’d know just how special he is.
“I’m asking you to be my first. Nothing more. Just one night. I want you to do all the things you’ve done to the others.” Did I just say that? Yep, I did. It’s true though. Since the moment I saw Jennifer climb in his window, I wished it was me. Then there was the pink-haired bimbo.
“What others?” he asks.
“The girls that climbed through your window. Jennifer and the girl with the pink hair.”
“I didn’t do anything with the girl with the pink hair,” he chuckles.
“You didn’t? But I …”
“When I saw you watching us, I couldn’t go through with it,” he confesses.
“You couldn’t? Why?”
“Because you cock-blocked me.”
“I did not,” I say playfully slapping his arm. “Tell me the real reason.”
“Fuck. Enough with all the questions. I just couldn’t okay. I felt bad.” My lips turn up into a smile.
“Why did you feel bad?” I ask, my smile widening. I probably shouldn’t be probing him like this, but I want to know the reason.
“Just drop it,” he snaps.
“No. I want to know why.” He lifts me off his lap and places me back beside him in annoyance.
“I’m not going to answer that,” he says as his handsome face scrunches up into a frown. When he turns his head away from me, I get the impression he’s feeling uncomfortable, so I let it lie. Although, secretly I’m dying to know why.
“So are we going to do it?” I ask changing the subject.
“Do what?” he replies turning his head to look at me.
“You know … sex.” I can’t believe I’m even having this conversation with him. He chuckles at my comment making me blush. He probably thinks I’m so lame.
“Trust me, kid. As much as I’d like to deflower you, you’ll regret giving me your virginity.” Even though his words are telling me ‘no’, I can tell by the look in his eyes he wants this as much as I do.
“I won’t,” I say reaching for his hand. “I want this, Carter. I really do. Please don’t make me beg, because I will. No strings. I promise. Just one night, that’s all I’m asking.” God I’m so pathetic. He holds my stare, but doesn’t speak. Please say yes I silently chant in my head.
“You really want this?” he eventually asks.
“Yes. I want you.” He breaks into a full smile, showing his perfect white teeth.
“You’re not going to expect me to marry you or anything, are you?”
“What? No way. I don’t even want you as a boyfriend,” I screech.
“That’s just lovely, that is. Way to dirty talk it up,” he replies placing his hand on his chest, mocking fake hurt.
“I’m serious,” I say trying to hold a straight face. “I’m just using you for your body.” Seeing him like this makes my insides all warm and gooey. Even when he’s scowling he’s breathtaking, but when he smiles … no words.
“So I was right all along then?” he says when he stops laughing.
“About what?”
“You do want me.” He is so fucking smug sometimes, but he’s right. I do. I’m not even going to justify that with an answer. There’s no way I’m going to give him the satisfaction of being right.
“You’re so full of yourself,” I say nudging him with my shoulder.
“You’ll be full of me in a minute,” he chuckles, reaching for my hand as he goes to stand. I pull him back down.
“Can we stay down here? I’m not ready to go back up there yet.”
“You want me to fuck you down here? In the open?” he asks with surprise in his voice.
“It’s dark. No one will see us.”
“If you’re sure,” he says with a smile. “I never would’ve picked you to be so adventurous.”
“Well there’s a lot you don’t know about me.” That’s such a crock of shit. He’s right. I’m not the adventurous type at all, but he brings something out in me: A desire to let loose. To live a little.
“I’m gonna have to run back to the house and get a condom.” Leaning forward he brushes his lips against mine. “I’ll be back in a minute.”
“Okay,” I reply as he stands. You’d think I’d be nervous that I’m about to have sex for the first time, and in the open of all places, but I’m not. Not with Carter. I’m actually looking forward to it.
He returns a few minutes later with a huge grin on his face and a blanket and pillow in his hand. “Can’t have you getting splinters in your back, ruining that beautiful skin of yours,” he says as he spreads it out on the dock. When he’s not being an arse and giving me a hard time, he says the sweetest things. “You sure you want to do this?”
“Positive,” I answer as I reach for his outstretched hand. He pulls me to my feet and straight into his hard chest. He wraps his big strong arms around my waist, looking down at me.
“No regrets?” he asks.
I shake my head gently. “No regrets.” His lips meet mine. His kiss is soft and sweet, making my toes curl. I slide my arms around his neck when he scoops me up. Falling down to his knees, he gently lays me on the blanket, placing my head on the pillow. He lays down beside me, pulling me into his arms.
“You sure you don’t want to go back to my room?” he asks. God. Enough with all the questions.
“Just fuck me already,” I blurt out. I’m not even shocked by my words. I want this to happen. Like yesterday. I appreciate that he’s trying to do the right thing, but I’m not changing my mind no matter how hard he tries to talk me out of it.
“Jesus, those words coming out of your sweet mouth are hot,” he says. He sits me up and removes my top. I reach for the hem of his T-shirt, lifting it to reveal his heavenly abs and mouth-watering chest. He grabs hold of his shirt behind the neck and pulls it over his head. His hands then reach behind me, unclasping my bra. After I slide it down my arms and discard it, he gently lays me back down.
Moving his face forward, he draws one of my nipples into his mouth while his hands work feverishly on the button of my shorts. Leaning back on his haunches, he slides my shorts and panties down my legs. I watch his smile grow in the moonlight as he looks down at me.
I hear a growl come from deep in his throat as his lips trail a path down my abdomen. I push my head back into the pillow and moan when his face settles between my thighs. He grips the back of my legs and pushes my knees towards my chest, spreading my legs wide.
“I need to taste you again,” he whispers against my sensitive flesh. “I haven’t been able to get your pussy out of my mind.” I find myself smiling knowing he’s been thinking about that night, about me. I’ve thought about it as well—a lot.
He groans as his tongue swirls around my aching clit. I thread my fingers into his hair holding his head in place. His mouth is magnificent. I don’t want him to ever stop.
Within minutes he has me coming undone. He slides two fingers inside me as my orgasm pulses through my body. He doesn’t stop until my trembling body stills. “You’re so wet for me,” he says as he withdraws his fingers and pops them in his mouth, licking them clean. God, I love when he does that.
He stands and pulls the condom out of his pocket and removes his jeans. As much as I love being outside under the stars with him, I wish we had some light so I could see more of him in his naked glory. His body is breathtaking.
He rips open the condom wrapper with his teeth and slides it onto his impressive length. All I can think as I watch on is, I hope that monstrosity fits inside me. I’m definitely not having second thoughts, but I’ll admit the nerves are starting to settle in.
He crouches down, placing his hands on either side of my body before hovering over me. Leaning his face forward, his lips briefly meet mine again. I can taste myself on him. “This is going to hurt,” he says as he settles between my legs, lining himself up with my opening. “Are you sure you want to go through with this? It’s not too late to pull out.”
“I’m sure. I want this, Carter,” I tell him honestly as my hands come up to cup his face. He smiles before brushing his lips against mine.
“I’ll be as gentle as I can, okay. Try to relax.”
“Okay,” I reply. He glides the tip of his dick through my wetness before slowly pushing the head inside me.
“Sweet Jesus,” he groans before stilling, giving me time to adjust. Pulling back slightly, he pushes in a little further. His head falls back as a primal growl escapes him. I can already feel the sting as he stretches me. I’m not gonna lie though, knowing it’s me making him feel like this is an incredible turn on. “You feel amazing,” he breathes looking down at me. “Are you ready?”
I nod as his lips meet mine. He kisses me for a minute or so without moving. I’m sure he’s trying to distract me. It’s working. Without warning he withdraws before pushing all the way in. It stings like a bitch, but doesn’t hurt nearly as much as I thought it would. He stills again, giving me time to adjust.
“Are you okay?” he asks, gently brushing back the hair off my face.
“Perfect,” I answer. I can’t believe I’m actually having sex. And with Carter Reynolds of all people. The guy I love and hate all in the same breath. I’m no longer a virgin and I have no regrets. None whatsoever. I’m glad my first time is with him.
“I’ve gotta start moving,” he says a few seconds later. He groans again when he slowly withdraws before pushing all the way back into me. After a few more thrusts the burning sensation dissipates and I’m now moving with him. It feels amazing. He feels amazing. “I think I’m in love with your pussy,” he moans as he picks up the pace. I think I’m falling in love with him, but I’d never say that out loud. I shouldn’t even be feeling like this, but I have no control over my heart. “I’m not sure how much longer I’m gonna last. You feel too good. I need you to come again.”
“I’m close,” I say as I wrap my legs around his waist and dig the heels of my feet into his backside, pushing him further inside me. He lifts his body up slightly and moves his hand down between us to rub my clit as he continues to push into me, in short, fast thrusts. It’s all I need to send me over the edge. “Ohhh … I’m … I’m.” That’s all I manage to get out as the sensations take over, and I have the most intense orgasm I’ve ever experienced.
“Fuuuck,” he grunts as his body starts to jerk above me. I know he’s coming too. His body did the same thing when I gave him a blow job in his bedroom a few weeks ago. After a few more thrusts he stills inside me. “I think you’ve ruined me,” he says breathlessly as his lips find mine again. I fist my hands in his hair as I hold his face against mine. I don’t want this night to ever end.
Our kiss goes from soft to wild within minutes. He’s still inside me and I feel him harden again. We’re now on round two. This time he rolls over, pulling me with him so I’m on top.
His hands glide up my body before cupping my boobs and rolling my hard nipples between his finger and thumb. I tilt my head back and moan as pleasure floods my body. My palms smooth over his chest, gripping his shoulders to give me some leverage so I can ride him. I love the friction that this position provides. Carter lifts his head and sucks one of my nipples in his mouth. I love his mouth on me. I wrap one of my hands around his neck while my other one runs through his hair, holding him against my breast.
Now I know why Meg fucks like a rabbit. I could easily get addicted to this feeling—only with Carter of course. I’m not the type of person that would just sleep around with anyone.
Carter’s hands move back down to my waist. Gripping my hips, he lifts my body slightly before guiding it back down. He does this over and over. I have no words for the sensations I’m experiencing right now.
“You have a magnificent pussy,” he groans. “I could fuck you all day.” All day sounds wonderful. I don’t want this feeling to ever stop.
“Don’t stop what you’re doing … please,” I beg as my hips start to swirl in a circular motion, making my clit grind against him.
“I have no intentions of stopping,” he says breathlessly. “I need to kiss you.” He pulls my face down to his. Sliding my hands up his neck, I thread my fingers through his hair. He’s now pounding into me as our kiss heats up. The noises coming from both of us are feral. I think he’s just as lost in me as I am in him.
I’m right on the edge. I’ve been trying to hold off because I don’t want this feeling, or my time with him to end, but I can no longer stop the orgasm that’s looming. “Carter,” I moan into his mouth as my body convulses with the intensity of it.
“Fuck,” he grates out as my inner muscles clench around his dick. His hands grip my hips so hard I swear they are going to leave marks. He pumps into me as his own release comes, setting off another orgasm for me.
“Oh. Shit … I’m coming again,” I moan tugging on his hair as I throw back my head, crying out his name. When our bodies finally still, I collapse onto his chest. My skin prickles with the cool breeze.
“Christ, you’re so beautiful when you’re coming. You have no idea what seeing you like that does to me,” he sighs, kissing my forehead and wrapping his arms tightly around my torso. If I wasn’t so worn out I’d offer to show him again.
I get the strongest vibes from him, whenever we’ve been intimate. I can’t quite put my finger on it. Even though I have no experience, nothing to compare it to, I’m pretty sure what we have is special. It’s like he’s feeling everything I am. It’s so intense. But then he’ll say or do something that tells me he wants distance. It’s confusing. Maybe it’s just part of his charm. Maybe I’m reading too much into this. Or maybe he does feel everything I do. I doubt it. He’s probably like this with all the girls.
We stay motionless, wrapped in each other’s arms for what seems like ages, before he eventually slides out of me and places me beside him. I’m surprised by the loss I feel from no longer being connected to him.
Standing, he passes me my clothes before removing his condom and getting dressed. Tears sting my eyes when I realise my time with him is over. I don’t want this night to end. I don’t want this to be our last time together. When I told him one night, I honestly thought I’d be okay with that. Now I know that’s not the case.
Once I slip back into my clothes, I go to stand. “Don’t get up,” he says squatting down beside me and stroking his hand gently down the side of my face. “I don’t want you to go yet.” I feel my lips curl into a smile when he leans forward and kisses me. He lays down beside me and pulls me into his arms. Reaching behind him, he pulls the other half of the blanket over us. “Just let me hold you for a while.”
Carter
‘No regrets’ we said, but that’s exactly what I’m having. Not because of what we did. No way. I’ll never forget what she gave me last night. I’m not just talking about her virginity either.
My regret is now I’ve taken it this far with her, crossed the line I swore I’d never cross, I have to leave. It’s for her own good. I don’t have a choice.
It was sometime in the early hours of this morning that I made my final decision. I only hope I have the strength to go through with it. I haven’t slept a wink all night. It was around 3:00am when we finally left the lake and made our way home.
In my heart I knew it would be our last time together, so I didn’t want it to end. I even offered to let her spend the night at my house, in my bed, but she declined. I’ve never invited anyone to spend the night with me before. It’s funny; when it comes to her, my previous rules, the ones I’ve never broken cease to exist.
I’m in the midst of both heaven and hell. Last night she took me to a place I never thought possible. Bliss. That’s what I experienced with her. Fucking bliss. Never in my life did I think sex could be like that. Sure, it’s always good, but with her …
Sweet Jesus.
The things she made me feel blew my fucking mind. What we shared was fleeting in the grand scheme of things, but I know it’s something I’m not going to forget in a hurry—if ever. I only wish things could be different between us, but they can’t.
Rising from the bed, I head to the bathroom to shower. If I’m going to go through with my plan I need to get my shit together. Standing under the spray of hot water, I contemplate what my actions today are going to do to the two people I care about the most in this world.
My mum has given up the last eighteen years of her life for me. It’s time I gave it back. She has her fuckwit of a husband to help pick up the pieces. Then there’s Indi. She has so much promise for a bright and happy future. She has her whole life ahead of her. A life I’m pretty sure will be a lot richer without me in it.
I have no idea where I’m heading, or what I’m gonna do. I was hoping for a few more weeks to get a plan in place, but after what happened last night, this needs to be done today. The sooner, the better. Things are only going to get complicated if I stay. The consequences are just too high. My feelings for her are far too strong. I’ve tried to fight them, but I’ve lost the battle. This thing between us can’t last. It will eventually lead to heartbreak. I know it. That’s a chance I’m not willing to take, for her, or for me.
I’ve had enough of that shit to last me a lifetime.
Sadness washes over me as I pick up the body wash and remove her scent from my skin. Never again will I be able to smell her sweetness, feel her silky soft skin beneath my fingertips, or taste her lips. It brings a motherfucking lump the size of a goddamn basketball to my throat.
Once I’m dressed I throw my things into my suitcase, stowing it under the bed before going in search of my mum. I find her in the kitchen cooking. As devastated as I’m feeling right now, just seeing her brings a smile to my face. I’m going to miss her cooking, but more than anything I’m going to miss her.
“Hey, sweetie,” she says smiling at me. “Breakfast won’t be long. As soon as John gets home we’ll eat.”
Walking to her, I wrap her in my arms. “I love you, Mum.”
“I love you too, Carter.”
“Thank you for always loving me. For keeping and wanting me when nobody else did.” I hear my voice crack when I speak.
“Baby? What’s brought this on?” she asks looking up at me. “Is everything okay?”
“Everything’s fine. I just needed you to know how much I appreciate you and everything you’ve done for me over the years. It’s meant everything to me. You mean everything to me.” I see her eyes well with tears from my words.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” I see concern etched on her beautiful face. I nod, tightening my embrace. “You’re part of me, sweetheart. You’ll always be a part of me. Not having you in my life was never an option. Not a day goes by that I’m not thankful that you’re my son,” she says, gently running her hand down the side of my face. I can’t speak. The lump in my throat is growing bigger by the second.
I’m surprised I’m not choking on that fucker.
This is my goodbye. I don’t know when or if I’ll ever get to see her again. That thought makes my heart ache. If it wasn’t for her, my life growing up would’ve been nothing. Meaningless. She gave up her future, her family, everything for me. Words will never be able to express what that means to me.
She loved the bastard that nobody else could.
Leaning down I place a gentle kiss on her cheek. “I’ll be in my room,” I say as I turn and walk away. I don’t bother looking back. I can’t. If I do, she’ll see the tears that now glisten my eyes.
“Okay, sweetie. I love you, Carter,” she calls out behind me.
“I love you too, Mum,” I whisper.
Reaching under the bed, I grab the bag I just packed. Emptying out the contents of my school backpack onto the bed, I head back into my bathroom. I throw my deodorant, toothbrush, toothpaste and brush into the bag. Walking back into my room I grab my sketchpad and a photo I have of my mum and I from when I was a boy, and stuff them inside. Looking around my room, I check to see if there’s anything else I need.
Heading towards the window, my gaze moves towards Indi’s house. I’m shocked to find her standing in her bedroom watching me. She’s smiling. Fuck. I was hoping I didn’t have to see her before I left. I can’t say goodbye to her, I just can’t. It will gut me.
Tearing my eyes away from her I drop my suitcase out of the window. It lands with a thud. When my eyes meet hers again, I watch as her gaze moves down to the bag on the ground, and then back up to meet mine. The smile drops from her beautiful face. A face I know I’m never going to forget.
She steps forward and presses her palms flat against the glass. Fuck, she knows. The devastation I see cross her features rips my fucking heart in two. I watch as a lone tear cascades down her cheek. What I wouldn’t give to hold her right now. Kiss her. Tell her I don’t know how I’m going to survive without her in my life.
Jumping out the window, I pick up my bag and start walking towards my car. I take one last look over my shoulder at the only other person on this earth, apart from my mum that I love. Yes, I love her. I love her so much it fucking hurts. Last night just confirmed it.
She’s the only person that has made me feel like I’m somebody. The only person that has accepted me for who I am—the real Carter Reynolds. The person I am on the inside. Not the illegitimate child. The bastard. The real me. She knows my story and still cares. Still wants me around.
I’m not used to people wanting me, so the fact that she does is something I’ll never forget. I’ll treasure the time I’ve spent with her. She’ll always have my heart. I know that for a fact.
As much as it kills me, I need to let her go. Although she may not think so, she deserves so much more than I can ever give. So much more. I was born a bastard and I’ll die a bastard. That’s never going to change. In time I know my doom and gloom will dull her sunshine. I couldn’t do that to her. She’s perfect just the way she is.
I open the trunk of my car and place my suitcase and backpack inside. My heart is so heavy as I move around to the driver’s door.
“Carter, please don’t go. Don’t leave me,” I hear her cry from behind me. Christ. She’s come outside. I don’t turn around. I can’t. I wish I could stay. Better still, I wish I could take her with me, but that’s not an option.
Ignoring her, I open the door and climb in. Tears cloud my eyes. I didn’t think this would be so hard. I turn the key in the ignition and back out of the driveway. My eyes betray me as I take one last look at the kid. The kid that stole my heart. The kid that managed to penetrate my darkness, and for the briefest of moments showed me what it was like to have light in my heart again. Fuck I’m going to miss her and her smart mouth.
She needs to forget me. I swear I literally feel my heart shatter into a million pieces as I watch her standing there. Her arms wrapped around her tiny body. Tears are streaming down her beautiful face. It takes every bit of strength I have not to go to her.
There’s so much I want to say to her. So much. So much I want to thank her for. But, instead I do what I need to do to help her forget me. To help her move on. I flip her off as I put my foot down and drive away. Drive away from the only two people who’ll ever hold a place in my heart …