CHAPTER FOUR
Indiana
My thoughts stray to Carter again as I let the hot water wash over my body. I was supposed to be spending the night at Mark’s, but after dinner I asked him to bring me home instead. I feel bad that I let Carter get in the way of our plans tonight, but my head is pounding.
Fuck him and his bullying tactics. Who in the hell does he think he is? Poor Mark was so intimidated by him. They’re worlds apart when it comes to personalities. Mark is so timid, Carter not so much.
After drying myself and dressing in my PJ’s, I grab a few headache pills out of the medicine cabinet and pop them in my mouth. I need to lie down.
Walking back into my bedroom, my traitorous eyes land on Carter’s bedroom window again. His lights are out so he must be asleep. I feel bad for the way I left things between us earlier, but he can’t butt into my life like that. He’s the one who walked away, not me.
“I’m not in my room,” I hear a male voice slur, almost making me jump out of my skin.
“What the fuck, Carter?” I screech when I see him sprawled out on my bed. “Get the fuck out of my room.”
“Can’t do that, sweetheart,” he says clumsily sitting up. Is he drunk? I take the few steps towards my bed and reach for his arm, tugging on it.
“You can’t be in here,” I growl. He looks up at me, and smiles. One of those panty-melting smiles that he used to give me all those years ago. I hate that he still makes me feel things after all this time. “You need to go.”
“Nope. I need to talk to you first,” he says, reaching out and pulling me forward with so much force I land on top of him. Being pressed against his hard body, on my bed, is not a good idea. “I’ve missed you,” he slurs wrapping me tightly in his arms. I can smell the alcohol on him. It’s so strong, if I stay near him like this, I’m sure the fumes will make me tipsy. I try and push myself up off his chest as he tightens his grip. I’ve missed him too, but that’s irrelevant. I decide not to voice that out loud.
Being this close to him is too much. I shouldn’t be feeling what I’m feeling. It’s wrong. My mind is flooded with memories of our time together. I can’t go there again. “Carter. Let me up.”
“Nope. Not until you talk to me.” He buries his face in my hair and inhales. “Fuck you smell good. Just like I remember.”
“Stop,” I say annoyed as I pull my face back, looking down at him. The sweet look on his face almost makes me smile. Almost. He shouldn’t be here. I’ve moved on. Being so close to him again only confuses me. He can’t just expect things are going to pick up from where they left off.
“I’m not letting you go until you agree to talk to me.”
“Fine,” I say sighing. “I’ll talk to you, but you need to let me go first.”
“Okay,” he says, releasing me. I immediately stand. If we’re going to talk, I need distance. A lot of distance. I take a few steps back from the bed. “Why are you here?”
“I told you, I miss you,” he replies, sitting up again.
“I have a boyfriend, Carter. Remember? You can’t just waltz back into my life five years later, after no goodbye, no contact, and expect to carry on as if nothing happened. You broke my heart when you left.” I feel tears sting my eyes, but thankfully I manage to keep them down. I refuse to let him see my weakness.
“I’m sorry,” he apologises, exhaling. “I thought leaving you behind was for the best …” His eyes meet mine and the sadness I see tears at my heart. “I fucked up. I know that.”
“Yes, you did. I understand why you felt you had to go, but you could’ve contacted me. Anything would’ve been better than nothing.” I wrap my arms around myself, trying hard to hold my emotions at bay.
“Do you love him, Indi?” I turn my face away from his. I can’t look at him and say this.
“Yes.” Although he doesn’t evoke the kind of feelings Carter did in the past, I care for Mark. A lot. He’s sweet. He treats me like a princess. He’d never leave me the way Carter did. With him I have a future. With Carter, all I have are memories. That’s all I’ll ever have. He doesn’t speak for the longest time. When my gaze moves back to him, I find his head bowed and his shoulders slumped. I feel like a bitch. “I’m sorry, Carter.”
“Don’t be,” he says, his sad eyes meeting mine. “I let you go, and now I have to live with it.”
“Carter,” I whisper, walking towards the bed and sitting beside him. “I’ll always treasure the time we spent together as kids. Always. But, that was in the past. We’re not kids anymore.”
“I guess,” he replies. “Although, you were the kid back then, remember? Not me.”
“Whatever,” I say bumping my shoulder with his. I see the corners of his lips turn up. I knew that would have to come up eventually. Some things will never change. “Surely you have someone special back home?” He’s gorgeous. I don’t doubt that the girls fall all over him, just like they used to when he lived here. I’m not sure I want to hear his answer, but I’m in a relationship. It would be selfish of me not to want the same for him.
“No. You know me, I was never one for commitment.” Don’t I know it? It saddens me that he still hasn’t changed after all this time. He’s a good guy deep down. He deserves someone special in his life.
“That’s sad, Carter.”
“That’s my life, I guess,” he says with a shrug. My hand comes up and rubs his back. I’m not sure how much of this is the alcohol talking.
“Tell me about your life. What have you been up to? Where are you living?” It’s something I’ve always wondered, but I also want to change the subject. This conversation is too depressing.
“I live up north, in Newcastle.”
“Really? It’s beautiful up there,” I say. Meg and I went up there for a weekend away a few years back. I can’t believe I was so close to him.
“It is. I have my own business. I’m a tattoo artist.”
“Wow. I’m glad you put your talent to use. You were always so good with your hands.”
“You better believe it, sweetheart,” he says wiggling his eyebrows, making me laugh.
“You’re still full of yourself I see.”
“Don’t tell me you don’t miss my hands on you? I bet lover boy doesn’t make you feel the way I used to.”
“I’m not going there with you, just drop it,” I snap, standing. His words sting because they’re true.
“Because I’m right,” he replies in a cocky tone. He is, but I’d never admit it. Never. My sex life with Mark is pretty bland. It’s rarely spontaneous, and always in a bed. He’s not as adventurous as Carter, but he still satisfies me, so that’s the main thing. Sometimes I wish for more, but great sex isn’t everything, I suppose.
“Can we change the subject, please?” I’m happy to talk about our current lives, but not sex. Mark wouldn’t approve of that, and I’d have to agree. It’s totally inappropriate. Especially given our past.
“Sure,” he says with a sigh. “Tell me about you. What have you been up to since I left?”
“Not much. College, work, that sort of thing.”
“I had a feeling you’d go to college. What did you study?” he asks.
“Veterinary Science. I’m a Veterinarian.”
“Really? Wow. I never knew you wanted to be a Vet.”
“I didn’t, but after Lassie …” I hear my voice crack as I speak.
“Fuck,” he says rubbing his hands over his face. “I’m sorry. Poor fucking Larry.” When I look at him, I see tears glisten his eyes. I can’t go over this again. Earlier today was hard enough.
“You hungry?” I ask trying to change the subject. I need to get him out of my room. I can’t seem to function properly with him sitting on my bed.
“I guess. But, not just for food.” His hands reach out for me, but I slap them away.
“Well food is all I’ve got,” I tell him as I turn to leave. When he doesn’t get up, I look at him over my shoulder. “Are you coming or what?”
“Sure,” he says half-heartedly. His disappointment is evident. That’s too bad. It pisses me off that he thinks it’s okay to make advances at me. No matter how much he’s had to drink, he should know better. He needs some food to sober up, and I need distance. Thankfully, he follows me into the kitchen.
“Do you want a toasted cheese sandwich?” I ask.
“Okay, thanks.” When he starts to walk towards me, I point at the table. Distance. I need distance. Having him close is just too much.
“Sit,” I command. A boyish smile appears on his face before he turns and does what I asked. He’s a little unsteady on his feet. It makes me wonder just how much he’s had to drink. “Do you get drunk like this often?”
“Nope.”
“Then why tonight?” I ask, placing a glass of water in front of him. His glassy eyes meet mine. I see sadness and maybe a touch of anger.
“Cos I felt like it. I see you haven’t changed. You’re still fucking nosey,” he retorts. I suppose being back here isn’t easy for him, so I ignore his snide remark.
I make four toasted sandwiches. Two each. I didn’t eat much when Mark and I went out for dinner. My stomach was in knots after our little altercation with Carter. “Here you go,” I say, placing the plate in front of him.
“Ta,” is all he says as he picks up one of the sandwiches and takes a bite. I find myself sneaking glances at him when he’s not looking. His face is so rugged, so handsome. Is it possible he’s grown even more beautiful over the years, because I’m certain he has? I shouldn’t even be thinking that, but I am.
Mark is pretty to look at, but in my eyes he has nothing on Carter in the looks department. Carter’s sinfully hot, all man, and those tattoos make him look so bad-arse. He’s every girl’s fantasy. It’s a shame he’s a non-committal man whore.
It’s a surreal feeling that we’re actually having a meal together, after all this time. Well, if you class a toasted sandwich as a meal. So much has changed since he left, but in a way, nothing has.
He looks up and catches me staring. “You don’t like your food?” he asks with a mouth full.
“Of course. Why would you ask that?”
“Because you look like you’d rather be eating me instead,” he says with a cheeky smile.
“What?” I screech. He throws back his head and laughs. “Nooooo. You’re delusional if you think that.”
“Just calling it how I see it, sweetheart.” When he winks at me I feel my face flush. Shit. I probably was looking at him like that. I need to get him out of this house, and away from me, ASAP.
••••
For the next few hours, we eat, we chat, and we laugh—just like old times. I think it’s exactly what we both needed to heal, to completely move on. There was so much unfinished business between us, but now I feel like it’s all water under the bridge. I’m hoping after tonight, I can finally let all the hurt go.
Let him go.
My heart hurts to think this is more than likely the last time we’ll be alone again. He mentioned earlier he was leaving tomorrow. I’m sure I’ll see him around when he visits his mum, but not like tonight. I shouldn’t want him to stay, but for some reason I do. Well, part of me does. The part of me that now belongs to Mark, knows him leaving is for the best.
“I should get going,” he says.
“Okay.” I try not to let my disappointment show. I’ve missed being around him. I’ve missed the banter we shared. When he reluctantly turns, I follow him towards the front door. “Thanks for the food … for the catch up,” he says when we walk out onto the front porch.
“It was nice,” I reply, getting up on the tip of my toes and planting a soft kiss on his cheek. Taking a step back, my eyes meet his. My heart is sad knowing this is our final goodbye. At least I’m getting one this time around. “Take care of yourself, okay?”
“You too, kid,” he says, reaching up and gently running his hand down the side of my face. His touch is so gentle, so sweet. I feel tears burn my eyes. We stand there for the longest time staring at each other. His hand is still resting on my cheek. I find myself leaning my head into his palm. I briefly close my eyes and savour the last time I’m going to feel his skin against mine. I’d give anything for him to wrap me in his arms again. Anything.
When I open my eyes, I find him watching me. He gives me a sad smile. “Goodbye, Carter,” I finally say, taking another step back. I’m thankful I got to say it this time. It doesn’t seem to lessen the ache in my heart though.
“Goodbye, Indi.” He continues to stand there, not moving. That electric pull between us, the one we shared in the past, is still as strong as ever. As much as I’d like to stay out here all night with him, I can’t. Someone needs to be the strong one here. I turn and take the few steps towards the door. Out of the corner of my eye, I see his hand reach towards me, but then he drops it back by his side. I’m grateful for that. We need to make a clean break.
••••
I manage to hold in my tears when I walk into the house, but they’re already falling by the time I reach my bedroom. My heart feels like it felt all those years ago when he left—broken.
I’m grateful that he came back, that I got to see him again. In saying that though, seeing him has conjured up all those old feelings. The ones that took me years to suppress. Guilt consumes me. I shouldn’t be feeling like this when I have a boyfriend.
Wiping my eyes, I dig my phone out of my bag. Turning it on, I find a message from Mark.
Night, babe. Hope your head is feeling better. x
Again the guilt hits hard. Technically I’ve done nothing wrong, but if Mark completely holds my heart, I shouldn’t be feeling what I’m feeling.
I’m feeling better, thanks. Sorry I had to cut the night short. See you at work in the morning. xxx
That’s a total lie. My headache is worse than ever, but I don’t want him to worry about me because I know he will. He replies straight away.
That’s good. Night, gorgeous. Sweet dreams. Wish you were here. x
I don’t reply to his last message. I’m not sure what to say. I do and don’t wish I was there with him. My head is so clouded right now it’s probably best that I’m not.
Finally, I climb under the covers. My thoughts are still well and truly on Carter. I know he’s next door. Only a few metres away. I wish I could spend more time with him before he leaves, but it’s probably safer for my heart if I don’t.