Aiden bursts into my room without knocking and everything becomes a blur. He hands me a letter. He points to the name at the top. It’s from Caroline. But how can that be? No, this isn’t from my Caroline. This is all a terrible misunderstanding. A joke, even. A very unfunny and terrible joke.

“You have to read this. Please read this,” Aiden says. I shake my head.

“I can’t.”

“Please, please open it. Caroline wanted you to.”

I shake my head. I can’t. I can’t bear to know what it says.

“Can I open it?” he asks. I shrug. I guess. Why not?

“My dearest Ellie,” Aiden reads. “If you are reading this letter, then I am in fact dead. I’m so, so sorry. I hate to do this to you because you are my closest friend, but there’s no one else I trust. I’m sorry, Ellie, but I had to do it. My life was just not worth living anymore. Every night, I had nightmares over what Tom did to me. He haunted me all the time. He plagued me. No matter how many times I talked to the therapist about it, nothing made it better. But I know that this will. I know that this will put me out of my misery once and for all.”

Tears start streaming down my face. Aiden stops reading, but I nudge him to continue.

“I love you, Ellie, and now I have to ask a favor. The biggest favor of my life. Please don’t tell my parents about this letter. Please don’t tell anyone, except maybe Aiden. For all I know, he’s probably there with you anyway.”

Aiden laughs. “She knows us too well,” he says. I nod and wipe my eyes, but more tears come to replace those that have just been wiped away.

“I did my best to make it look like an accidental overdose and that’s what I want them to think. It’s better this way. Less painful. I love you, Ellie. Forever and ever. I’m sorry I won’t be able to share the rest of your life with you, but I just want you to know that you made my life bearable. And for that, I will be forever grateful. I’ll see you again on this side or the other. Caroline.”

Aiden takes me into his arms and I bury my face in his chest. Everything turns to black.

The following morning, I wake up thinking that everything that just happened is a dream. Maybe I was just asleep for a very long time and none of it is real. When I climb out of bed, I see her letter on my desk. I run my fingers over it. No, unfortunately, this is not a dream. Not even a nightmare. Shit.

Suddenly, I hate her. What she did was beyond unfair. Who the hell does she think she is? Who gave her the right to do any of that? She kills herself and then covers it up? So, why tell me? Why do I have to be the only asshole out there who knows the truth? Why can’t I just go on thinking that she had an accidental overdose just like her parents? Why do I have to have this burden to carry around with me?

I feel sick to my stomach. I barely make it to the toilet in time.

“Ellie? Are you okay?” Aiden yells from the other room. I hear him come into my bathroom and knock on the bathroom door.

“I’m fine,” I mumble into the toilet bowl and throw up what’s left of last night’s meal. When I finally lift myself off the floor and brush my teeth, anger courses through my veins. I wash my face, but it doesn’t make the fire that’s building within me go away.

“Do you want me to make some breakfast?” Aiden asks.

“No thanks. I’m just going to have some tea.”

I grab a seat at the island and stare into space.

“She planned this,” I say. “She planned to kill herself.”

“Yes.”

“That letter was hand-delivered,” I say, trying to understand her plan of action. I don’t know why I feel the need to get to the bottom of what happened, but I do. “It wasn’t mailed. Then it would’ve come too soon.”

“Ellie—“

“If she would’ve mailed it, then it might’ve come without her being dead. No, she couldn’t risk that. She had to have that letter be delivered after the funeral. The courier had to know for sure that she was dead.”

“Ellie—“

Aiden keeps interrupting me, but I don’t want to hear anything that he has to say.

“But I doubt that she told him what she was going to do. Maybe he just had to look for the announcement in the paper and then deliver the letter after he saw it.”

“Ellie—“

“What?”

“Why are you doing this?”

“I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I’m a masochist, Aiden. I don’t know.”

Neither of us says anything for a while. My thoughts continue to swirl around what Ellie might have done to orchestrate this whole thing, but eventually they just settle on that little point in my chest where all the pain is focused.

“I just really miss her,” I say, wiping the tears streaming down my cheeks.

“I know,” Aiden says, putting his arm around me.

“What am I supposed to do now?”

“What do you mean?”

“With this letter? I feel like her family deserves to know the truth. But then again, I want to abide by her wishes.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“Why the hell did she have to put all of this on me? I mean, what the hell did I ever do to her?”

“You were her best friend, Ellie. She loved you. And she knew that you loved her, too. That’s why she left you the letter.”

“Nice way of thanking me, huh?”

“She just wanted someone to know what really happened. Maybe she didn’t want her last true act to be a lie.”

Aiden is right. Of course, he’s right. Caroline just wanted me to know that this wasn’t an accident. That she went into that good night once and for all because she wanted to. Yet, the thought of that hurts even more than if it were an accident. I mean, the idea that my friend was in so much pain that she couldn’t handle being alive anymore…how did I not realize this? Why didn’t I see any of the signs? Oh, yes, of course. I was too busy with my own life. I was too obsessed with the idea of going on a wonderful vacation with the man of my dreams to pay any attention to those around me. I’m a terrible, horrible friend. Caroline deserved so much more than me.

“I don’t think I’m going to tell anyone about this,” I finally say, wiping my tears and pulling away from Aiden. “That’s what Caroline would’ve wanted so that’s what I’m going to do. I was a bad friend to her in life so I will try to be a better friend to her now that she’s… gone.”

Gone. This word is somehow more comforting than the alternative. Dead. My friend is dead. No, I’m not ready to say that out loud. Not yet. Perhaps never.

“You are a wonderful friend,” Aiden says.

I shake my head. “Thank you, but no, I wasn’t. I was a pretty bad friend.”

“What’s going to happen with the trial?”

“What?”

“The trial, in Maine? What’s going to happen with that now?”

Oh my god. I completely forgot. All the blood drains from my face. Shit.

“Ellie, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to bring it up,” Aiden says. It’s too late for that. Yes, of course. Caroline was the main witness against Tom. And now…what’s going to happen now? Are they just going to let him go?

“They can still prosecute him without her, right?”

Aiden shrugs.

“Please tell me they can,” I plead.

“I think so,” he finally says. “But we are really going to have to talk to the district attorney.”

I take a deep breath. My whole body starts to shake. Why the hell did you do this, Caroline? Why? You took your own life, but you had no right to. You are a selfish, narcissistic little girl. And I need you back. I can’t live without you. How can the world continue existing without you in it? How can I?