My anger with what Aiden did intensifies throughout the night. I’m angry at him for going behind my back. I’m angry at him for revealing Caroline’s secret. I’m angry that now her mother will likely find out the truth and that’s not what Caroline wanted. But I’m also angry at him because I know deep down that he might have done the right thing. A predator like Tom should not get away with what he did just because he did something so horrible that Caroline actually killed herself over it. He shouldn’t be allowed to walk the streets because of a technicality. I saw him. He’s not one bit sorry or apologetic. And the DA dropping charges against him would just make him more cocky and righteous. No, Tom needs to pay for this. But it should’ve been my decision. I was the one who should’ve gone to her and told her about Caroline’s letter. But then again, if I had done that then I would’ve been the one breaking my promise to her.

I can’t sleep. I get up and pace around the apartment. When I get a drink of water in the kitchen, my eyes meander over the calendar. What date is it? Hmm. That’s odd. Wait a second. When was the last time that I had my period? My heart skips a beat as I try to remember. Not last week or the previous week. But four weeks ago, yes. I did have my period then. Okay. That’s a relief.

At least I’m not pregnant, I say to myself as I plop on the couch and flip on the television. I lie down and zone out for a while, watching late night re-runs of King of Queens. When I wake up an hour later, I again feel sick to my stomach. Perfect. I guess this is just a really bad case of the flu.

I pull myself off the couch, about to head back to my bathroom. But the nausea feeling overwhelms me and I run into the bathroom in the hallway instead. This was technically Caroline’s bathroom, but it was also the one that guests used when they came over. As I throw up, it occurs to me that I haven’t been in here since Caroline died. This realization makes me even more sick to my stomach. Afterward, sitting on the closed toilet, I look under the sink. It’s filled with all the things that Caroline used that her mom didn’t take with her. Caroline’s hairdryer. Extra hand soap and shampoo and conditioner. Her scale. And there in the back is the unopened box with two pregnancy tests.

I open the box and take one out. I don’t need to read the instructions. I’ve taken one before in college. It showed what my period confirmed later that day that I wasn’t pregnant.

This is so stupid, I say to myself. There’s no way I’m pregnant. I just have some stupid stomach flu. People get them all the time.

But why not take it anyway? They’re here. Available. If it’s not a big deal, then why not do it?

I take a deep breath.

“Okay, if you’re going to do it, do it now before you have to throw up again,” I say. I open the package and pull down my panties. After I pee on the stick, I turn back around and get sick again. It takes a few minutes for the test to show the results and I wait lying on my back on the cold tiles. Then I reach up for the test and look at the screen.

“Pregnant.”