Lo is here.

In my apartment.

Again.

And this time I invited her.

Of all the things I shouldn’t be doing, this one ranks pretty high, and I’m not sure I won’t be breaking the other shouldn’ts that rank even above this one tonight...

Like going back over to her after I’ve put the pasta on and set a timer. Sliding my hand up her arm, stepping close, needing to feel her, smell her, have her close. Or the way she leans back into me, her body warm and so comfortable.

I lean in a little, putting my lips to her neck, and she lets out a shuddering breath, pushing back against me more.

She smells so good, she feels so good. I know that we’re not supposed to be doing this, but I can’t help but want more of her.

I slide my hand down her arm, over her hand, weaving our fingers together, and she tightens the grip, holding us.

Fuck.

I want her so much. So, so much.

She turns her head and suddenly her lips are on mine. Pushing in, kissing, opening her mouth a little and teasing me with the tip of her tongue.

I wrap my other arm around her waist, holding her as I deepen the kiss. I lean into her more, searching out her tongue with mine, playing with hers, sliding along hers. She’s giving as good as she’s getting, intensifying the kiss. Making me lose my mind as I feel her breathing getting shallower, her movements more intense.

And then the timer for the pasta goes off, and we pull apart. She’s staring at me, her eyes big, as she reaches up to her lips, touching them.

I take a couple of deep breaths, then quickly turn the annoying sound off and start draining the pasta. My hands are shaking. I’m turned on and scared at the same time.

Fuck.

Yeah. In the top three things I shouldn’t be doing with her, we’ve just crossed number three and two. And the way she’s looking at me when I turn around for a moment, I’m not sure that we’re not going to be crossing number one.

Fuck. Fuck. Triple fuck.

This is a bad idea. So why am I not stopping myself? Why am I not stopping this right here?

Because I’m a sucker for pain and I can’t get away from her. I don’t think anything could keep us apart. Not now.

Fuck.

And that brings up an image of pushing Lo onto her back on the tiny kitchen table and doing her right there.

I reach down, trying to push myself in a more comfortable position, hoping that Lo didn’t hear the low sound that just escaped me.

Lo’s hands slide around my waist, her body pressing against mine, and her lips move over the back of my neck, leaving behind soft kisses. It short-circuits everything in my brain.

Fuck.

Her back is beautiful, her soft skin, the way her whole body moves as she breathes. The bleached hair, sliding over her shoulder, pooling between us.

I want to reach out, but after last night, the heaviness in my gut increases every moment I look at her. She’s beautiful, and so good, so pure. That’s why I can’t keep doing this. I really can’t anymore.

She stirs, her hair sliding down more, exposing more of her smooth neck, exposing some of the hickeys I left behind. I just had to taste her.

Why can’t I stay away? Why am I so addicted to her?

Every time I see her, the only thing I want to do is take her in my arms and hold her close, protect her from any harm that could come her way. I thought that fucking her a few times, just getting it out of my system, would release this grip on me, this boyish obsession that I have with her. I thought that I could break this curse, fuck it out of my system. But every time I touch her, it only gets worse.

She turns around, looking at me, her eyes still dark with sleep. She smiles lazily. “G’morning.” Her voice is still a little raspy, and it goes straight to my dick, which shouldn’t be as attentive as it is, seeing how much exercise it had last night. But I need to protect her, I need to protect myself.

“You need to leave.” I push the words out, wishing I didn’t have to. Wishing this was all easier.

She stills, her beautiful azure eyes flashing with hurt. Then she nods, closing her eyes as she turns around, climbing out of bed.

My dick hardens more with each sliver of skin exposed and I reach down, pushing at myself, hoping to hide how much I want her to stay, how much I want to keep her close and never let her go.

Her moves are jerky as she takes her clothes off the floor and gets dressed. She keeps her face neutral, but her movements, the way her jaw is set, it betrays her true feelings.

“Lo...” I can’t watch her like this. I need to explain. I need to make that look go away. I can’t watch her leave angry like this.

She stills for a few moments as she’s putting on her bra, hiding those luscious boobs from me, then she turns around, glaring my way. “If you keep acting like this, I’d prefer it if you didn’t use the name that you used to say in love.”

I deserve the venom in her voice, the look in her eyes, even if it’s not true. I don’t no longer say it in love, I say it because I still love her, and it’s because I still love her that I can’t keep her near me. No matter what she thinks. It’s because I love her that I can’t face her. It’s because I love her that I need to send her away.

“I’m sorry.” My words are useless—too little, too late—and she knows it.

“I don’t care.” She looks at me again, her eyes sad now, tired, wary. “I don’t care about your apologies, your explanations, your lies.” She pulls her sweater on. “Tell me. Tell me that you hate me. Tell me that you love me. Tell me anything at all. So I can stop making stupid mistakes like this.”

I open my mouth to answer, but I can’t find the words. No matter what I tell her, it will hurt her. I want her, I need her, I can’t be without her, but I also can’t have her, not now. Maybe not ever.

“That’s what I thought.” She grabs her shoes and turns to the door. “Don’t talk to me in class. I don’t want to hear from you. I don’t want to talk to you until you can respect my feelings. Until you can respect me, instead of just your dick.” She opens the door and then slams it shut behind her.

I hear her stomp around the apartment, probably grabbing her things, and then a final slam as she leaves the apartment.

Fuck.

I turn over and am immediately surrounded by her scent.

Respecting her feelings... But will she ever see me again after she finds out what really happened the night she lost our baby? Will she ever forgive me?

The thought of never being able to see her again rips me to pieces. The thought is so dark, so desperate, so all-encompassing that I wonder if this is what happened that first night. Is this what drove me away from Lo in the first place?

I stare up at the ceiling. I can’t. I really can’t.

Now I’ve found her again, now I’ve started to feel alive again, I just can’t leave her again. I can’t not have her.

I need to be better. I need to make this better. No matter how long it takes.

I’m going to win her back. I will get her back, no matter what I have to do to get there.

And, for now, that means getting the art for Chris’ show ready and focusing on the film project. I can’t get her back if I don’t show her that I’m no longer that stupid boy who left her. I need to show her that I love her as a man, not the boy she once knew.

I’m going to make this work.

When I walk into class, I find Lo with her group. She’s wearing a turtleneck shirt, and I nearly smile until I catch the glare she’s throwing my way. Yikes...

Okay, so maybe the hickeys went a little too far, but it’s not like she hasn’t left any on me. One of which I don’t even try to hide—there is no use. I found it as I was shaving this morning, right along my neck, very much in view. Even a turtleneck wouldn’t have helped. Maybe a choker, but I haven’t worn one of those leather straps in years, and I don’t have any at the apartment.

I sit down next to Damon, who raises his eyebrow at me. “What?”

“Did you take pictures yesterday?”

“Yes.” I point at my bag. “Got them with me. Will show when we’ve got a bigger screen. I think there are some good locations to use. We’ve even got a choice.”

“And Lola?”

“What about Lola?”

“Did she say something about the script? She went with you, right? To look around?” He looks at her, and then back at me.

“Right. Yeah, I think she was saying something about the current script working the way it’s written right now.” I think. I may have been a little preoccupied by other things last night.

“How long did it take? She didn’t come back to the party.”

“Yeah, it took until... eight or nine. It was late when we finally got out.”

Damon’s eyes grow. “Wow. I hadn’t expected it to take that long.”

“Me neither. But there were different areas to look at and then take pictures and discuss the timing and the plants and things like that.” I sigh.

“But you’ve got everything?”

“Yeah. We can keep working on the inside staging for now and then we can move to props for the outside shooting before we start filming.” At least, I think it will work. But I’m not so sure if I’ll survive it.

Lo’s request not to talk to her is filling my head with her. My eyes keep getting pulled in her direction. I keep wanting to watch her.

Wasn’t there something about the thing that is forbidden becoming more and more attractive? I guess it’s true. Even if I try to fight it.

I stand up. “Let’s get to the other room.” I grab my bag.

“Don’t you want to wait for Tamara?” Damon also stands up.

“Nah. She knows where to find us.” I just really need to leave this room.

“Okay.” Damon follows me, and I grab the key to the next room from Tamara’s desk.

I open the other room and stare as there are suddenly a lot of big panels and rolls in the middle of the room. I walk over to them, finding a note stuck to one of the panels. ‘I thought these might come in handy. Tamara’

Ah, our walls. I grin. Yeah, these will certainly make things a lot easier.

“I guess it’s time to make walls.” I point to the panels.

“Oh. Joy.” Damon rolls his eyes. “Now, can you show me the pictures from last night first? We can get the other guys on these walls when they come in.”

“Sure.” I put my bag on a table and pull my laptop out. As it boots, I unpack my camera and take the SD card from it, putting it into the laptop. As soon as everything is booted, a folder opens with the pictures from last night. “I’m not sure how all of them came out. But there should be good enough pics in there. And they will help with designing props too.”

Damon nods, looking at the pictures as I go through them.

Then I stop. There is a picture of Lo standing near a light. She looks so beautiful. There is something almost angelic about her, but the way she looks at the camera... at me...

Yeah... nothing angelic about that.

Fuck.

Double fuck.