Asking to meet her at the cafe seemed like a safe choice. I have no idea what we’ll end up doing, or where we’ll end up going. But at least here we’ve got the choice to go anywhere that we want.

I’m a little nervous. Our previous times meeting each other weren’t exactly the best, but when we talked at the cafe yesterday... It made me feel things I hadn’t thought about in a long time. And I realized that I wanted to do that more. Nothing fancy or anything. Just being with her. And I’m hoping we can do that again today. Hoping being the operative word here.

I’m not sure that this won’t just blow up in our faces. But anything is better than nothing. Especially now, since we’ll be seeing each other a lot in the coming months and we can’t just ignore each other. We can’t just pretend like the other doesn’t exist. We’ve tried that, that didn’t go over so well. So maybe trying to at least not freak out every time we see each other will be a better idea... Maybe.

I look up and find Lo watching me from a couple of steps away. She looks beautiful, as she always does. Her hair is pulled back, her eyes curious. Then she steps closer.

“Hey.” Her voice is soft, and I want to kiss her.

Instead, I smile. “Hey.” I don’t know what to say now that she’s here. Stupid me.

“Where did you want to go?” She looks around, looking anywhere but at me.

“I was thinking we could go have dinner somewhere? Do you want pizza, fries, Chinese?” I try to come up with more ideas, but I don’t really have an idea what they have around here.

She smiles softly as she looks my way. “I’ve got an idea.” She reaches out, but then pulls her hand back quickly and turns around. I’m feeling a little sting of disappointment, but I have no right to feel like that. She’s not my girlfriend, she doesn’t owe me anything.

I follow her down a couple of streets until we’re in front of a small restaurant.

“Here.” She turns to me. “They have a lot of different things here, and the food is good.” She smiles, waiting for my answer.

“Sure.” I really don’t care much about where, I just want to be near her.

We go inside, and I see that there are bigger tables in the middle of the restaurant, but the ones on the side are smaller and a little more secluded. She walks to the back, choosing a table in a corner. It feels... intimate. My heart beats a little faster, though I push it down. This is just so we can eat and actually hear each other. There is no extra reason for it. Right? Right.

We make ourselves comfortable as a waitress comes over. “Would you like something to drink?” She looks at both of us, but her eyes rest on me a little longer.

“A beer, thanks.” It’s the weekend, and I’m not driving anywhere anyway.

“For me too.” Lola nods.

“Sure. I’ll bring over the menus in a moment.” The waitress is off again.

“You drink beer?” I eye Lola, who smiles and shrugs.

“Sometimes. I like it, and they don’t sell good hard cider everywhere. This is the safer bet if you’re not into drinking wine.” She keeps smiling, and I relax a little, while my heart is doing a couple of extra jumps. Thanks for all those mixed signals, body, it’s not like this isn’t confusing enough already.

We’re quiet until the waitress brings over the beers and the menus. I take a gulp of the beer, the bitter taste clearing my head a little. I can’t expect anything tonight. This is just for us to talk a little. None of that taking-clothes-off stuff.

Lo takes one look at the menu and puts it away again, looking up at me. “I already know what I want.”

“What are you having?” I look down the list and see that they have a whole range of things, like Lo said, from pasta to fries to pizza and all sorts of other things.

“Chicken satay with peanut sauce and fries.” She smiles. “They do the best satay here.”

She’s always loved chicken satay, ever since I met her. “I guess I’ll have the same then.” I laugh. “If you’re saying it’s good.”

She nods.

“Do you come here often?” Such a cheesy question, but the way she already knew what to order makes me think this isn’t a coincidence. The restaurant doesn’t look too busy, but we’re early.

“From time to time. I usually come here on my own when I want to escape my parents. It’s quiet and makes a great spot to just spend on my own for an evening.” She shrugs. She doesn’t seem to care about it, but I can’t help but feel a little sad at the image of her sitting here, on her own, with nobody around for her.

“You don’t come here with others? Not with friends?” I close my mouth. I shouldn’t have said that.

She looks at me for a moment, but then shakes her head. “I like being on my own sometimes. The quiet of it.”

“Oh.” I’m not sure what to answer to that. While I tried my hardest to never have to be alone, no matter what, she was choosing to be alone. Such a big difference and it makes me hyper-aware that we’ve been apart for a very long time, and that we had very different ways of dealing with what happened.

We place our orders, and then finally find something to talk about in the project that we’re working on right now. What we think about the topic, about the story, all the different elements of it. It feels safe, but, above all, it feels comfortable. We agree on much of our likes and dislikes of the project, and we don’t really worry about the other things.

And, even though I’ve always surrounded myself with ‘friends’, now, for the first time, I finally feel like I’m no longer alone, no longer lonely.

Finally, I feel comfortable and happy to talk to someone, to not have to watch my words or who I’m portraying. I’m feeling a little like myself.

When we’re done with dinner, we look at each other. “Dessert?” we both say at the same time and burst out laughing.

Then she nods, smiling. “Yeah. I’d love that.” She leans back in her chair, her face falling, the mask disappearing, a deep sadness showing instead. “B...”

“Hmm?” I sneak a peek at her.

“Did you ever think...” She stops, sitting up and then frowning. “Did you ever think that this never had to happen like this?”

“Like what?” I also sit up straighter, looking her way seriously now. I’m not sure what is going on in her mind, but it can’t be good.

“Like...” She shrugs. “Like us not...” She pinches her lips together, then she closes her eyes and shakes her head. “Never mind. I’m just talking shit.”

“Lo...” I reach out, taking her hand. “What’s going on?”

She meets my eyes for a moment. There are tears in them. “Did you ever think that everything that happened to us was such bad luck that nothing will ever make up for it?” She doesn’t pull her hand back, though.

I need to think for a moment. Did I ever think that? Sure, sometimes, especially right after everything went down. But, since that was years ago, no. I don’t believe that everything we went through will forever haunt us, not anymore. “No. What happened does not have to be your future. You don’t deserve pain. You don’t deserve bad things. That’s not how this works.”

She nods a little, sighs, and takes her hand from mine. “I think I want to leave.” She grabs for her bag and I stop her.

“I asked you out. I’m paying.” I stand up. “I’ll be right back.” I walk over to the counter and one of the waitresses sees me. “I’d like to pay.”

“Sure thing. Was everything to your liking?” She taps on her screen.

“Definitely. Thank you.” I glance Lo’s way and see she’s grabbed her things and is leaving the cafe, and my heart sinks. What else did I expect?

“Go ahead.” The waitress gives me the machine so I can pay.

When that’s all done, I go back to our table, making sure that we didn’t forget anything.

Though, mostly, I feel like I forgot how to be a real person. I forgot how to live. Like Lo is the only person who can make me remember again. And now she’s left. I’m alone, and the sudden loneliness takes my breath away. It’s hard to breathe.

I make my way to the doors, stepping outside into the biting cold, my breath making little clouds in the air.

And my heart skips a beat when Lo is right in front of me, looking at me. Waiting for me? I don’t even dare to hope.

“B...” She steps closer, her voice soft. She looks a little scared. “I don’t want to go home.”

“Are you sure?” Because this looks scarily like she wants me to invite her home. And I don’t think I can promise her anything about what happens when we do.

She nods. “Yeah.” Her eyes meet mine, the pain in them tangible.

“You want to come with me? My place is kinda small, and I didn’t clean up.” I try to smile, hoping to make her feel better, and I also see a little smile in her eyes.

“I’d like that.” She reaches out, and I take her hand.

How easy would it be to just assume that we can go back to how we were before? How easy would it be to not worry anymore?

But after the words she said in the cafe... I know that we’re further away from how we used to be than ever before. That time held promises and potential. Both of which have been taken from us. We can’t go back. Going back implies that there is something to go back to.

And we don’t have anything anymore...

“Gimme a moment.” I open my little post box, but there’s nothing in it. When I turn back, Lo is looking around the hallway.

I live in an upscale student housing building. It’s all new and shiny, only built in the last couple of years. The place is all fancy and stuff, but it’s great for students who have a little more to spend, or who just really do not want to share their living space with others. Both of which apply to me.

“This way.” I start walking up the stairs. My place is a couple of floors up.

I hear her footsteps behind me, though much quieter than my own. She’s always been the quieter one of us.

I turn down a hallway and then take my key from my pocket. “Here it is.” I open the door and hold it open so she can come in.

Lola walks past me, still quiet. She takes her jacket and shawl off and hangs them on the hooks next to the door. Then she turns to me and looks at me, her eyes unsure.

I quickly take my jacket off and then my shoes. Then I walk along and hold my hand out to her again.

She also takes her shoes off, but then takes my hand, letting me pull her towards the couch. “B...”

I shake my head, sitting us both on the couch. Only after we’re seated do I let her go again. “I never thought this could happen. Or I would have cleaned.” I let out a little laugh, trying to break this weird atmosphere around us. We’ve been quiet almost the whole trip here and now it feels weird to talk.

“It’s not like I haven’t seen a worse mess.” She also smiles a little, relaxing. “Not that my room is much better right now.” She looks around. “Rented this with the furniture?”

“How did you guess?”

“This is not your style. Not enough black. Also not enough art on the wall and stuff.” She shrugs.

“True.” I stand up. “Would you like something to drink?”

“Beer?”

“Eh.” I stop. “I don’t have alcohol in the house.”

This stops her. She looks at me curiously. I may have had two beers at the cafe, but I don’t have anything here. And I get why that would confuse her—I was never above drinking—but she has no idea about what happened.

“Some water then?”

“Water it is.” I go over to the little kitchenette and pour us two glasses of water. Then I go back, sitting back next to her before I hand her the glass.

She takes a couple of sips, then she puts it to the side. “Why did you ask me here?”

“You didn’t want to go home. I live on my own. You can sleep here tonight, if you want to.” I also put the glass aside. “But I—”

“I wanted to see you more. I didn’t want you to leave yet.” Her voice is soft, wavers at the end.

“L—” I start, but she puts her fingers over my lips.

“Shh.” She comes closer, closing the distance between us, then her lips are on mine.

I grasp for her, pulling her against me, kissing her, deepening the kiss. For a moment, my brain wonders what’s going to happen, but that voice is quickly squashed as Lo slides her arms around my neck and gets even closer.

I can’t deny her. I want her. I need her.

I’ve only ever needed her. And she’s here, right in my arms. Again.

I’m holding her again and I don’t want to let go.

There is an urgency to our kisses, our touches, because we know that this could be over at any time. But we can’t leave each other alone.

We need this.

Even if it ruins us, maybe precisely because it could ruin us. We need this before we break too much and will never be able to recover again.