Of course, we’re in the middle of filming, and B just takes most of the week off. I know that Damon and the others can take care of the stages and everything, but still, he’s their group leader, and he’s the one responsible for what they do. I don’t even know why he’s gone. Tamara said something about personal reasons and Damon said that it was for work. I have no idea, and neither of them are giving me any more information. I wish people would be more clear about why they’re suddenly dropping out during the most stressful time of the project.

I point a couple of people to sets that need to be moved and swapped around so that the camera can get the right angles, and then I sit back, watching six to eight runs of the exact same scene yet again. I was mostly involved with the writing of the outside scenes and some of the shop scenes, but we’re now filming the inside of the spaceship. This isn’t one of my own scenes, but I’ve read it so often that it may as well have been. And I’ve now seen it performed more often than I’d have liked.

My romance story has stalled. No matter if I try to write what I originally had in mind or go with what I wrote a couple of weeks ago, it’s not happening. I want to redeem the bad-boy character, but I keep seeing B. I keep seeing B in my head and it’s preventing me from getting any more words out.

I can’t redeem B. I don’t know how to, but I also don’t know if I even should. Writing the story has made me remember so many of the things that we went through together, and none of it matches up with what happened after he left me in the hospital. Or what’s been happening since he came here.

I don’t know how to write this story anymore. And not even the tips from Jo have worked. I’ve read all the articles about how to write romance novels. I’ve read books about writing, books about writers’ block, books about all sorts of stuff. But none of it is making writing the second half and ending of this story any easier.

I was doing so well, but no matter how badly I want to write the ending... I can’t.

In my frustration, I’ve actually finished a couple of projects that I’d abandoned. Stories that had been without endings for years suddenly got their ending. I could finish them. Finally.

I was ready. I was so ready to move on. So ready to start a new part of my life.

So why is this story giving me so much more trouble? Why can’t I write the ending to this one?

I don’t get it.

I jolt as someone puts their hand on my shoulder and I turn around, nearly falling over with the chair I’m leaning against. But it’s just Damon, with Lizzy at his side, their eyes worried.

“What?” Is something wrong?

“I think it’s time for you to go home.” Damon takes the papers and clipboard from my hands. “I’ll do this. You go home. Lizzy will take you.”

Lizzy reaches out. “Let’s go.”

“I’m fine.” I cross my arms in front of me, but I know that I can’t fight them.

“I don’t care if you’re fine. You look...” Damon shakes his head. “You’ve been looking lost since B left. You’ve been forgetting things. I think it’s time to give up and go home, have a relaxing weekend and start over on Monday.”

“I...” I want to say something, but he’s right. I’ve been feeling off, but I don’t think it’s for the same reason as he thinks.

Okay, it is in part, but most of it is not about B, at least not about the guy he is now.

Lizzy takes my arm. “Come, let’s go.”

I nod. I guess moping around at home is just as productive as moping around here. I turn to Damon one last time. “See you next week.”

“Next week.” He nods. “Now, go enjoy yourself.”

I follow Lizzy, first to the classroom to grab my things and then to the workshop.

“Lola!” Hanna immediately comes over as I step into the workshop. “You want to come to the theatre with me today? The kids loved you and you haven’t been in a few weeks.”

I shrug. Would it even be a good idea? It’s not like I’m in the best of moods right now.

“You can paint princesses and maybe even a tiger or a butterfly this time.” Hanna grins. “And we can have pizza and wine again after.”

I liked being at the theatre group with the little kids, even though I had no idea what I was supposed to do and all. But I liked it, and I need something that makes me happy right now. “Okay.”

“Really?” Hanna almost looks surprised.

“Yeah. I’d love to.” I’m thinking about making those kids smile. Just being in a totally different world might be exactly what I need right now, busy but fun, not giving me too much time to think.

“Yes!” Hanna gives me a quick hug. “They’ll love it. Thank you.”

“No problem.” I relax a little.

No matter what has happened in the past, with Hanna around, I can do normal things. I can pretend that everything isn’t all messed up and weird. That I’m not broken, that the way we all are isn’t just totally messed up. Hanna is the only light in this group of people, of friends I’ve been collecting, the only one not haunted by our pasts.

I can pretend that this darkness growing inside me isn’t slowly overtaking me, like it isn’t draining my energy more each day.

Normal. I can use some of that.

I thought that Hanna was joking when she said that the kids were looking forward to seeing me again, but when I walk into the theatre room, the kids swarm to us. They seem as happy to see me as they are to see Hanna, and it feels good.

“What are we going to do today?” Hanna makes her way to the middle of the room. “What do you want to play?”

“Soldiers!” a boy calls out, already holding up a sword.

“Astronauts and space!” A girl runs over, grabbing my hand. “And she can be the... the...” The girl stops, looking up at me, a little confused.

“Monster?” I don’t know, what do kids play in space? Probably not what we’re filming at the college right now.

“No!” A boy comes over. “You can be the pilot of the spaceship.”

Ehh... Not sure if I should do that, especially since I have no idea how to play with kids like that.

“I know! I know!” A little boy comes over too, grabbing my hand. “You can be the teacher.”

“But there are no teachers in space.” The girl frowns, pushing the boy.

I grab the both of them carefully, before they can fall over or get into a fight. “I can sit on that bench, and you can listen to Hanna. I think that she’s got really cool ideas on what we can play.” I walk to the side, sitting down and watching as Hanna gets the group sort of under control.

I like playing along, but I also like just watching them. I’m not that good with little kids, always scared that I’m doing something wrong. I just... I don’t know.

Time passes pretty quickly when Hanna has gotten most of the kids to play the same thing and everyone is enjoying themselves. One of the little boys comes over to me, sitting on the floor, leaning against my legs a little. He’s the youngest in the group, had just joined when I came here for the first time.

“What’s wrong?” I lean over a little, but he seems just content sitting there.

“Everyone is so loud and rough.”

“Yeah. You can just sit here for a while.” I remember being like that. I was also always the one who would be perfectly happy sitting on the sidelines, watching everything happen and not getting involved in things that were too loud or rough.

I wonder...

I swallow hard.

I wonder if my baby would have been like that too. I don’t even know if they were a boy or a girl, though I always think of them as a boy. I don’t know why. Would he have been like this too? Sitting and watching? Enjoying himself just observing others?

I hurt, a stab going through my chest. My eyes start burning and I wipe at my cheeks, hoping I’m not crying yet.

“Sorry.” I tap the little boy on his head as I stand up. “I’ll be...” I quickly leave the room, leaning against the wall, my vision filling with tears.

My baby would have been old enough to join this group in a few more months. He would have been almost two and a half years old by now.

A sob leaves me.

I don’t want to think of this. I don’t want to think of him, of the boy I never met.

And the boy I lost...

I tighten my arms around myself, trying to keep the pain inside, trying to not break apart right now.

I grab my phone, my finger hovering over B’s name. I need to hear him. I need to listen to his voice.

But it’s no use.

Like it wasn’t three years ago. No matter if he actually talked to me, it’s not going to make anything better anymore.

I’m alone in this pain. I’m all alone.

There isn’t anyone who can help me right now. And I need to learn to live with that, no matter how tempting it is to want things to go back to how they were in the past. It just can’t happen.

I need to stop. I need to stop depending on anyone else.

I only have myself.

Monday, when I finally get back to class, this dark feeling still hasn’t gone away. It’s only gotten worse. On Friday, I actually went home soon after I broke down instead of staying over at Hanna’s. And I’ve been holed up in my room the whole weekend.

Luckily, if everything goes well, this will be the final week of filming. We’re nearing the end of the project. After this, I won’t have to see B as often, and I won’t have to try to pretend that I’m not unraveling at the edges.

I have no idea how I’m going to survive this week. But when B comes into the classroom, he too looks like hell. When his eyes meet mine, there is something in them that I don’t know how to respond to. At least not right now. But it hurts seeing him like that, especially when I feel so raw on the inside.

Tamara makes some announcements and tries her best to encourage everyone to make these final weeks count. But all I want is to get back home and not come out again, maybe ever.

I follow the others to the gym, where we’ll be filming again. We were able to get more days here there than we were promised at first. Which is good as filming didn’t go as fast as we’d hoped.

I go through the motions, trying to keep everything running smoothly, trying to make this project the best that it can be. But my heart isn’t in it, not now.

When I make my way to another part of the gym, where they’re shooting some scenes to put in between other scenes, like transition scenes, someone pulls me into a hallway.

My sound of surprise catches in my throat as B is standing really close, his eyes so dark. “Lola...” His voice is but a whisper, and it immediately brings tears to my eyes.

I shake my head at him, my lower lip wobbling. I can’t start crying right now. I can’t. Not here.

He lets out a shaky breath, taking my hand, and I grip his hand hard. “Can I do anything?”

I shake my head again. Then I close my eyes, and the tears slide down, leaving trails that cool my cheeks a little.

He tugs on my hand, pulling me closer, and wraps his other arm around me, holding me tight. I take in his scent, his warmth, the way being in his embrace calms me down a little. Even though I know that this can’t last. We can’t keep doing this. But I need it, just for a little while. I need him.

Then I push off, gathering all the energy I have. “We can’t. You promised.” He promised that he would keep away if he couldn’t do what I needed of him.

“I know.” His voice is rough. “But you looked like you were...” He steps away. “Sorry. I’ll leave.” He blinks quickly, then he turns around, starting to walk away.

“B.”

He stops at my voice.

“What did I look like?”

“Like you were fading into darkness.” He doesn’t turn back to me as he speaks. Then he keeps walking away, turning the corner, out of view.

Fuck.

Of all the things...

Because that darkness? It’s eating him up. I saw it in his eyes, I’ve been seeing it growing inside him for weeks. But this morning, it’s taken full hold of him.

If I’m fading, then he’s already there, swallowed by it, becoming one with it.

And I don’t know if that scares me or if that’s a soothing thought.

Does the darkness scare me, or does the fact that he’s there already, almost waiting for me, make me feel safe?

And how messed up is that?