Chapter Eleven
Calee
He loves me. I think most women would be overwhelmed with joy if a good man told them he loved them. But I'm not most women, I guess. Because joy isn't the feeling that overwhelms me. It's fear. Confusion. Anxiety.
Those three little words have changed everything.
I've thought about it a lot over the last few days and I've come to the conclusion that I care for Danny. I care for him a lot. But I don't – love him. I know that telling him that is going to hurt him, but I have to be honest. I owe him at least that much.
I can't let him take me away from Raymond and the Ark without telling him that I don't love him. It wouldn't be fair to either of us to live a lie like that. If I tell him and he still chooses to help me escape, at least we'll be doing so out in the open, without secrets and lies between us.
I don't see how it's possible, knowing his feelings for me, but maybe if everything is out in the open between us, we can even continue on like we have been.
“You're looking a little green around the gills again this morning,” Ruth says.
I'm sitting on the edge of my bunk, putting on my boots, trying to pretend like I'm not about to either throw up or pass out.
“No, I'm fine,” I say. “Just tired.”
“You've been tired every morning for the last week,” she says.
Ruth walks over and kneels down in front of me. She looks at me closely and I pull away from her. I don't want her examining me. She's a little bit older than me and has seen a lot in her life. I'm afraid if she looks at me too closely, she'll see the things I don't want her to see.
Ruth grips my chin and holds me fast. She looks into my eyes and seems to be examining every inch of my flesh. A long moment passes and I think I'm in the clear when I see her eyes grow wide and her mouth fall open into a perfect “O”.
In that moment, I know that my life is forfeit and a cold chill sweeps through me. I open my mouth to start begging Ruth not to say anything when a smile spreads across her face. She pulls me into a tight embrace and tears well in her eyes.
“I can't believe it,” she says. “You're pregnant.”
“I – I'm not,” I say weakly.
“Please,” she says, shaking her head. “I've been around enough pregnant women to know what one looks and doesn't look like. Honey, I can practically smell it on you. How long have you known?”
I shake my head, despair washing over me and when I speak, my voice is little more than a whisper.
“A few days,” I say. “God, please don't tell Raymond. Please, please, I'm begging you, Ruth. You know what they'll do to me if they find out. Please don't say anything.”
She takes my hand and gives it a reassuring squeeze. “Way I see it, we have to stick together,” she says. “Raymond don't care about us. We're all we got.”
I look her in the eye for a long moment, my fears and distrust welling up within me. Ruth and I had never been close. We aren't friends. Not really. We're not enemies or anything like that, but Ruth isn't somebody I've ever felt comfortable enough around to confide in.
And now, she knows my secret – a secret that, if exposed, can get me killed.
“Who's the father?” she asks.
Even though she knows my secret, I don't know that I'm ready to give her everything. I have no choice but to trust her with what she knows. That doesn't mean though, that I want to expose Danny to the same risks I'm facing.
“Just some guy in town,” I say.
She nods. “What are you going to do?”
I shake my head. “I don't know yet,” I admit. “He wants me to run away with him.”
Ruth sits down on the bed beside me, still holding my hand. She looks at me with what I think is genuine compassion on her face. Ruth's never given me any reason to distrust her and I start to wonder if maybe I'm letting Raymond's paranoia and trust nobody mentality rub off on me more than I imagined.
At the same time though, I'm in a dangerous place and putting my trust in the wrong person can have terrible, even fatal, consequences for me.
“Are you going to do it?” she asks. “Run away with this guy?”
I shrug. “I don't know,” I reply. “I want to – but I'm afraid to.”
“I'd be afraid too,” she says. “I'd be afraid the Shepherds would find me. They seem to find everybody.”
“I know,” I say. “But at the same time, I can't stay here. I'm going to start showing at some point and if that happens...”
My voice trails off and I look down at the ground. I don't need to finish that though because we both know what that means.
“You're caught between a rock and a hard place,” she says.
“Tell me about it.”
“Why not take the risk though?” she asks me. “Maybe the Shepherds won't find you. Maybe this guy will be able to protect you.”
I sigh and bury my face in my hands, the tears spilling over. Ruth pulls me into a tight embrace, strokes my hair and murmurs soothing words in my ear. She lets me cry for a few minutes before sitting me up and looking me in the eye.
“You need to pull yourself together, Calee,” she says. “You can't go out there looking like you've been bawling or they'll know something's up. Until you figure out what you're gonna do, you need to hold it together. For your sake.”
I wipe my eyes and take a few deep breaths, trying to regain my composure. She's right. The last thing I want to do is tip Raymond off that anything is amiss. It takes a few minutes, but I finally get myself under control. I give Ruth a smile and a nod.
“Thank you, Ruth.”
“Nothing to thank me for,” she replies.