WAKING UP WITH JAY’S ARMS wrapped around me is a feeling I will never take for granted again. I snuggle deeper into him and never want to leave.
After what I confessed last night, I’m just grateful he’s even here. I thought for sure he’d leave me. Call me a cheating bitch and walk away. I never wanted it to even happen. I said stop. It wasn’t very firm; I barely convinced myself, let alone Paxton at the time.
I may have opened my legs for him, but my heart was closed off the entire time.
He’s been there for me and given me a job doing something I love again. Once he saw how good I was at it, he gave me a raise and more tasks to complete around the restaurant.
I still hostess but not as often as I used to.
My phone rings from the other room, and I kiss Jay’s arm before crawling out from beneath it. “Get back here when you’re done,” he grumbles.
“Okay.” I run on my tiptoes to the living room and snatch my phone. “Hello?”
“Katy. Or, um… Olive?” Paxton questions on the other end.
“Hi, Paxton,” I whisper, walking closer to the kitchen so Jay doesn’t hear me. After he’d taken off for his run yesterday, I quickly explained to Paxton that Jay was my boyfriend and what he said was true. He got a short explanation about me and then I told him he needed to leave before Jay came back. “I’m really sor—”
“Please don’t feel that obligation. I was just wondering about your services. Wanted to get that squared away before I went back to California.”
I sit in the same chair I was in when I told Jay I let the man on the other end of the phone touch me. “I don’t understand. My services?”
“I’m assuming you’re going to be quitting, so in order to save any hassle, I figured I’d get right to the point. If I need to hire someone, I’m going to want to get on it right away.”
“Oh.” I clear my throat and spin the salt shaker on the table. “Well. I didn’t want to just leave you hanging. I—” He cuts me off before I can finish my sentence.
“You didn’t?” His voice perks up, but he doesn’t give me a chance to tell him that I’m going to quit and go back home. “That’s great. I was really worried about the restaurant and the opening. You know everything, and if I lost you, I don’t know how I’d manage to survive. You’ve been a miracle worker lately, and I can’t imagine being without you in my life. I mean, at the restaurant, of course.”
My line beeps, and I see my sister calling. I wouldn’t be able to recite her number by heart, but as soon as I saw it, I recognized it as hers. All thoughts of the stupid job and my stupid, confusing, obligational, irrational feelings toward Paxton vanish. “Hey, my sister is calling me, and—”
“You have a sister?”
His question reminds me how much he actually doesn’t know about me. “Yes, three actually. Listen, I’ve gotta go. I’ll see you tonight, okay. Normal schedule.” So I can tell him face to face that I’m quitting so I can go back home where I belong.
“Okay.”
I click over before he can say anything else. “Opal!” I screech into the phone, ridiculously happy to be able to be Opal, Oakley, and Onnika’s big sister again.
“When are you coming home? Hi, by the way.” She sounds the same.
“Hi. I don’t know. Soon, though. I have some things to finish up here first.” The line is silent for a moment, and I pull the phone back to see if we still have a connection. “Opal?”
“You’re not coming right home? I want you to meet Olivia. I… I thought you’d already be packing up and coming back.”
“Don’t you do that, too,” I whisper. “Jay is already giving me shit for it, and I—”
“So, he should.”
“You don’t understand, Opal.” How do I explain? “I have a job. I have a friend who—”
“You have a family! And a niece you haven’t met yet. Who’s named after you!”
I swallow and take a breath, trying to calm myself. She’s not letting me finish a damn sentence. Nobody is letting me fucking talk. “I understand that. But you have to understand that I have some ends to tie up here.” I’m trying to be smart. A positive recommendation from Paxton could really help my career. I don’t want to leave on bad terms even though my impression of the Paxton who hired me is completely different than the man I now know him to be today.
“Oh, my God. Is it a guy? Did you meet a guy?” She screeches so loud I have to pull the phone away from my ear.
“What? No.”
“Oh, my God. I can’t believe you. Did you tell Jay? Is Jay even with you?”
I suddenly remember the photo I saw that was the catalyst to my own demise. To the downhill that ultimately led me to Paxton. And how much it hurt seeing my man and my sister seemingly together and so happy. Almost like a couple. I remember the pain of my heart tearing down the center at the thought of their unfaithfulness even though I know they would never do that to me. All that said, I can’t help the snark that I spit back at her, my guilty conscience seeking justification. “Why do you care about Jay so much?”
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
“Don’t swear at me.”
“Then don’t accuse me of something you have no clue about!”
I can’t believe her tone. “Opal! I’m not accusing you of anything.”
“You are. I swear to God if you hurt him—”
The phone is ripped from my hand, and Jay puts it to his ear. “Calm down, Opal.” He turns his back to me and runs his hand through his hair and then leaves it at the back of his neck as he looks at the ceiling. His back muscles tense with the movement, and his ass flexes in his running shorts. “I’m here, aren’t I? Yes. No. Opal.” I hate only hearing his side of the conversation. “Not your problem to worry about. No, it’s not. Stop!” he snaps. “Not. Your. Problem. Got it? Good. Yeah. Okay, babe. Later.”
“Babe?”
He drops the phone to the counter and turns around, glaring at me. “Don’t you fucking dare,” he warns with a low growl.
God, I’m being a bitch. Everything is so confusing right now. “I’m sorry. I know you wouldn’t…” I trail off, leaving the accusation I used at my sister hang in the air.
“You’re right. I wouldn’t. And I didn’t. And I never fucking would.”
“I know.”
He stands there. I sit here. Tension floats between us, and I want nothing more than to push it away and run to him, but after just essentially accusing him of flirting with my own flesh and blood the day after I told him I cheated on him, I wait for him to break the silence.
“We have some paperwork to go over today. Ryan Breaker, remember the marshal, he’s meeting us at the office downtown at eleven thirty.”
“What?”
“Paperwork. You’re not Kay Summers anymore, love. Never were, but legally we’re going to make you Olive Winters again.”
The thought makes something crawl around in my stomach. Not like the butterfly flutters, but not like spiders, either. Kind of a panic, like a nest of bees just fell from my chest and landed in my gut and they’re fighting to get out. I feel itchy and scratch at my arms. It doesn’t help, so I dig harder.
“Stop.” Jay’s hands bound around my wrists, and he pulls my hands apart. I look down to see angry red marks on my arms.
“Shit.”
“How long has this been going on, sweetie?” He crouches down in front of me and gently runs his knuckles over the welts.
“I didn’t even realize I was doing it.”
He shakes his head. “You’ve done it before, though. You have little scars that weren’t there before.”
I yank my arms out of his hands and stand. “I’m fine. I need to get ready to meet the marshal then I have to come back and get ready for work.”
“Unbelievable.” He sighs and stands up.
“What?”
“You’re going back to work tonight?”
I shrug. “Well, yeah. I need to—”
“For the guy you admitted to me last night had his fingers inside your pussy.”
… tell him I’m quitting. I think to myself since he cut me off.
“Not a man to take too kindly to my woman, and that’s what you are, Livvie—mine—going to work with a guy who’s felt how tight she gets when she comes. Who got to see how much more beautiful her face could get when she was havin’ an orgasm. You know this.”
Swallowing, I nod. “I know you’re not. And I get it. I’m only going in tonight out of respect for what he’s done for me. You should appreciate that someone was here for me when you weren’t.” The second the words leave my mouth, I regret them. “Shit. That’s not what I meant.”
With his fingers pinching his nose, he says, “Please tell me I didn’t just hear you.”
“It’s just tha—”
“No. No, Livvie. Jesus Christ.”
“Jay, I—”
“Fuck this shit, Olive. I cannot believe you’re questioning this right now. Never fuckin’ let myself believe you could do this to us.” He grabs his shoes from the front door and angrily shoves his feet into them. “I’m going for a run. When I get back, have your ass ready to go. I’ll take you to get the paperwork done.” He slams the door closed, and I squeeze my eyes shut. I can’t say anything right. What the hell is wrong with me?
If he’d have given me a chance to finish my sentence, he would have heard me tell him that I was going to quit. I deserve his anger, though, so I take it.
I get myself ready and am sitting on the couch when Jay gets back. He walks right past me and heads to the bathroom. I’m so stupid. God. The back of my throat burns, but I shake away the emotion. I don’t deserve to feel sorry for myself right now.
Jay is my world. I love him so much, and I can’t describe what it’s like having him back. But that’s also the reason that I’m acting the way I am—everything is so unnatural to me. I’m feeling so much at once, and it’s all happening so fast. Just like when he told me I was getting put into witness protection three years ago. Everything happened in the blink of an eye, and I didn’t know how to process it.
I’m human. I’m emotional. I’ve never claimed to be perfect, and I’ve made my share of mistakes, but I’m totally in love with Jay. I might have been pissed at him, or the situation, but I never stopped loving him. Even when I said I hated him.
He seems so in control. He’s always in control. And I’m not. I feel like I don’t know which end is up. I hate that I can’t relay to him exactly how I feel, but now I’ve just pissed him off, and until he’s ready, he won’t listen to me.
In no time at all, Jay emerges and grabs a set of keys from the table by the door. “Ready?”
“Yeah.”
“Do you have all your stuff? IDs and all that crap.”
Holding up the envelope that contains all the identity of Kay Summers, I nod. “Yup.”
He opens the door, ushering me out before him. I press the button to the elevator while he locks the door. When we get to the lobby, Darren is there.
“Well, hello there, Ms. Summers.”
I smile and wave at him. “Hi, Darren.”
“Morning, sir,” he says to Jay with a tip of his hat.
Jay lifts his chin. “Hey.”
A big black Tahoe sits at the curb, and before he clicks the locks, I know it’s Jay’s. “You upgraded?”
“Yup.”
As if my heart couldn’t be more conflicted, it shreds just a little bit more knowing it’s my fault Jay’s so upset with me. Since I deserve the anger suffocating the cabin, I breathe it in, hoping to lessen the intensity of it.
The whole time we’re at the police station, Jay stays by my side. He barely touches me, but knowing I can reach out and he’d be there makes this whole process bearable. I should pay better attention to what I’m being told, but I can’t seem to care. I’m more concerned that I fucked things up with Jay past the point where he’ll forgive me.
The drive back is quiet, too. But when he stops at a Chipotle, I think things just might be looking up.
But I’m wrong.
He orders. I order. He fills his drink. I fill my drink. He sits and eats in silence. And I sit and pick at my food in misery. My stomach too upset to eat.
When we pull up to the curb, he gets out before I do. Normally, he’s around to open my door before I can but not this time. Once my feet hit the ground, I hear him behind the vehicle. The latch closes and he walks around carrying a large box.
I don’t ask what it is, but lead the way back to my apartment. Once we’re in there, he drops the box on the floor.
“What’s in there?”
“Sit down.” He nods at the couch.
I gingerly lower myself and rest my hands on my lap. When he begins pulling out a bunch of gifts, I get even more confused. Once the box is empty, he stands.
“Those are all the things I got you over the years. Holiday gifts, gifts just because I was thinking of you, and…” He lifts up something that looks like a binder. “A photo album of all the stuff you missed and pictures of things I saw and thought you might like. Oh, and here.” He reaches into the box again and holds out a little velvet pouch.
When I take it from his outstretched hand, I’m surprised how heavy it is. I pull the knot out just as he explains. “Those are all the pennies I found while we were apart.”
I’m completely dumbstruck. And speechless. My eyes are blurry, and I’m unable to focus. I’m so, so ashamed of myself.
“What we had, Livvie, was strong. You were always precious to me. Delicate and beautiful, and maybe even a little fragile, like a butterfly. I get that you were scared and lonely, but I was too. Look at me.”
I raise my head to meet his eyes, and I hate what I see. Disappointment.
“Thought we were fuckin’ bulletproof. But I guess I was wrong.” He takes a step back, and I open my mouth to tell him how wrong he is. That we are indestructible. That we still are. That I’m going to tell Paxton I’m leaving tonight. That I never wanted him to touch me in the first place.
He holds his hand up and speaks before I can, “Kills me to admit this, but I can understand you getting… comfort from another man. My stomach is filled with acid saying that to you, but it’s the truth. The last thing I’d want is for you to be so sad and lonely you hurt yourself, and if he had a part in stoppin’ that from happening…” Jay’s jaw clenches, and he shakes his head. I want to tell him he didn’t comfort me. He made it worse. He made everything worse. “But the fact that you would even think, that the fuckin’ thought would cross your mind that I’d be interested in Opal disgusts me.”
“Jay, I didn’t—”
“You did, Olive.”
“I saw a picture.” I rush to say. “I know I wasn’t supposed to be on social media, and I wasn’t. Not as me or as Kay. I made a fake account and didn’t look for two years. And when I did, the only picture I saw on Opal’s profile was one of her looking up at you while you held her baby. You guys looked happy like the cute little family that I’ve always wanted with you and—”
“I don’t even want kids!” he yells. “Goddammit!”
My knees wobble when I stand. “What do you mean?”
“Not the time to have this discussion.”
“You don’t want kids?”
His shoulders fall, and he shakes his head. “No, Livvie. I Don’t.”
“No?”
“No. Never.”
“But I thought we were going to get married and start a family. You said you wanted to get a house with a big backyard for all the kids to play in.”
He cracks his neck. “The kids. Nieces, nephews. Brandon’s kids. Never said ours.”
“How could you not tell me?”
“You never asked.”
“That’s a bullshit technicality, and you know it.”
Instead of arguing with me, he presses his lips together before nodding. “You’re right. But that doesn’t change the fact that I don’t ever want kids. Nothing will change that.”
“You looked so happy in that picture, and it hurt so terribly that you guys were happy, and I was miserable, and I wasn’t there. Even though I knew, even though I know, nothing would ever happen, it still messed with my head when I read her caption saying how much she loved you.”
“You think I wasn’t miserable? Fuck, woman. I was wrecked. So was Opal. I love her, too, Livvie. Like she’s my own sister. She and I, we spent a lot of time together. We both commiserated over how miserable we were without you, and we got close. Olivia and I are really close. I love the hell outta that little girl.”
“She’s really cute.” I smile, remembering the picture that’s burned into my brain.
He smiles without showing his teeth. “She is.”
We let a moment pass without either one of us saying anything.
“You have some decisions to make, Olive. And I’m not going to wait around for you to make them.”