Chapter 27
Hanna
I couldn’t get him off my mind. Kason left a couple of days ago, and while we might have texted a few times, he really wasn’t available all that much. I knew he was fighting things with work while I was dealing with his HR department, but I really missed him. I couldn’t get my mind off him, and every time I thought about him at night, I had to improvise when it came to my own pleasure. I missed his body and his voice. I missed the way he ran his fingertips through my hair after our orgasms. I missed the way he told me what to do in the throes of passion. I missed our conversations and our covert lunch dates. I missed the scandal of what we were doing and the stolen glances at the parties our parents threw.
But mostly, I missed the way he talked to me. Like an equal whose passions and life aspirations were warranted, even though he might not agree with them.
It was really bothering me to be away from him, and I didn’t know what to do about it.
I tried masturbating in the shower and in the evenings whenever he was on my mind, but it only got me so far. I’d stopped taking my birth control pills because what the fuck kind of use were they were to me anymore? I wasn’t sleeping with anyone, and I had no passion to sleep with anyone. Kason was the only one I wanted, and he didn’t seem to have any issues using condoms if we needed protection.
I couldn’t even look at my birth control pills without getting nauseous anymore.
Tears rose to my eyes, and I knew I had to get out of the house. I had to get out and talk to someone because looking outside and seeing Kason’s house was crushing my soul. Every time I looked next door, I thought about all the memories we’d silently created in his room, and every time I went out back and saw the greenhouse, it reminded me of his sweating body, panting and writhing and working for my benefit.
How did this train derail this badly?
“Hey there, Hanna!” Stacey said. I had decided to call her up and talk to her about it. I needed the guidance of my best friend. I needed her to tell me I wasn’t crazy and that this would eventually blow over. I needed to tell her about the birth control slip and how I’d made myself sick swallowing all those pills that morning before letting Kason fuck me silent in his childhood bed while our moms were right outside. I needed her to tell me this would all blow over and I’d wake up one morning and be just fine. That I would move on and Kason would fade from my mind and I’d find someone my family approved of so I could have the family I always wanted without Marcus stalking me or us sneaking around.
I was tired. I felt used. But mostly, I felt misled. I fooled myself into thinking I could do this on my own, and until Kason came home I really believed I could.
And then he happened. Kason swooped in and changed my mind. Made me feel things I’ve never felt before. Held me close when I needed it and gave a platform to my voice that felt shaded by my brother and my father. I missed him in ways I couldn’t explain. I closed my eyes and saw his face. I took showers and felt his lips against my skin.
For the first time since I’d set out to have a child, I found myself wanting not simply to have a child, but to have his child.
His and his alone.
But, of course, at the exact moment Stacey picked up the phone, my mom called from downstairs and said she needed me for something.
“You free for dinner tonight?” I asked.
“Sure. Same place?”
“Always.”
I hung up the phone and helped my mom around the house that day. Then I took a shower and got dressed for dinner. I told Mom and Dad not to wait up for me, and they told me to give Stacey their love. Then I raced across town with Kason still on my mind. If he were here, we’d be cruising with the windows down and he’d be holding my hand. He’d be making comments about having dessert elsewhere and jokes about parking his car in the woods. I’d secretly be squeezing my hips because he would be frustrating me so badly, and all the while I’d be looking over at his eyes.
Those beautiful, mesmerizing eyes.
Holy hell, what had this man done to me?
“Hanna!”
Stacey leapt from her chair and embraced me in a long hug. My mouth started to run away from me. I didn’t even sit down before it took off, and Stacey’s eyes grew wide with shock and awe.
“I don’t understand why I can’t stop thinking about him. I mean, he only left a few days ago and I’ve been keeping myself occupied! I talked with his HR about taking the internship early, but he hasn’t contacted me about flying me out for it, and I’m not sure if I should text or call him about it or just wait for him to call me. Did you know we had plans tonight? Yeah. We’d made plans to hammer out the payment details of my internship to use as a cover for us going to dinner, and I was so disappointed when he just up and left early. I mean, what kind of fuck-ups does he employ that they can’t handle some prototype bullshit or whatever it is they’re doing?!”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down, Hanna. Start from the beginning,” Stacey commanded.
“He had to leave Saturday.”
“I’m so sorry, Hanna.”
“Why? I mean, it’s work, right? It’s his fucking company. I’m not sure why he thought he could take an entire month off from it.”
“Why did he leave?” she asked.
“There’s some new thing they’re doing at the company and no one can get the prototype to work right or something like that.”
“Have you guys talked much?”
“A few texts here and there. I’ve tried calling a couple times, but he keeps shooting me to voicemail I think.”
“Two rings or three?” she asked.
“What?”
“Two rings on the phone or three?”
“Three. Why?” I asked.
“One to two means he’s shooting you to voicemail. Three means voicemail is picking up on its own. He’s not ignoring you. He’s probably just not in a place to pick it up.”
“I have to reevaluate my entire life now,” I said.
“How have you been since he left?” she asked me.
“Good I guess.” I shrugged. “I mean, I miss him. He kissed me before he left.”
“Wait. He what?”
“Yeah.” I nodded. “He came by to tell me what was going on, he apologized, and he kissed me.”
“Holy shit, he kissed you good-bye. That’s serious, Hanna.”
“Wait. What? Do I need to reevaluate my life again? What does kissing me just before he leaves mean?” I asked.
“Hanna, it sounds like you’re in love with the most eligible billionaire bachelor in all of North America, and he kissed you before apologizing for leaving early. Since when has Kason—the Kason Marx—ever stuck around with a girl for more than a few days, much less kissed her good-bye? He’s a playboy from San Fran with enough money to fucking buy the most beautiful woman on earth to have at his side. But when he does get some time, he is texting you. He’s hiring you as his secretary, he’s helping you with school, he was finding excuses to spend time with you, and then he kissed you good-bye? Do you really not see it?”
“Wait a second.” I paused. “I’m not in love with Kason.”
“That’s really what you took away from all that?” Stacey sighed.
“No. Really. I’m not in love with Kason. He’s my brother’s best friend. He’d blow a fucking gasket.”
“Uh huh. Sure.”
“No, my brother really would,” I said.
“Not what I meant.”
“I’m not in love with Kason,” I said again.
“No, really, you are.”
“Stacey, stop.”
“Hanna, no,” she mocked.
I sat there and shook my head. I wasn’t in love with Kason. I enjoyed Kason and how important I felt with him, but I didn’t love him. I was still trying to get him to agree to have a child with me! To have unprotected sex so I could become the mother I’d always dreamed of being.
That’s what I was still doing, right?
“You’ve got it bad, Hanna,” Stacey said.
“There’s absolutely no way I’m in love with Kason, Stacey. For fuck’s sake, he’s my brother’s best friend!”
“And cussing, too? You’re really trying to sell it.”
“Stacey, stop.”
“Look. Yes, the two of you were having mind-blowing sex. Yes, the two of you were sneaking around and it felt thrilling. But you just sat here and told me you couldn’t get him off your mind and you were paranoid about him not taking your calls or texting too much. If you didn’t at least care for him, then you wouldn’t give a shit what he was doing, right?”
“Stacey…” I warned.
“The mere fact that you’re getting angry about it tells me otherwise. You wanted to have unprotected sex with Kason Marx so he would give you a child and you could dump him and keep going so you wouldn't get hurt, right?”
“Stacey, this isn’t—”
“But now you’ve gotten attached. You miss him now that he’s not here and you want him to call and fly you out as soon as possible so you can be near him again because it’s not about getting pregnant anymore, is it?”
“Stacey…” I whispered.
Tears rose to my eyes while she backed me into a corner I couldn’t reason out of, and I didn’t like it. It was just sex with Kason and nothing more. Marcus would kill me and no one would accept us. It was like Kason had said: our age difference wouldn’t be accepted. Not by anyone. Not even him.
He had said it himself.
“Hanna,” she said, her voice soft and soothing. She took my hand in hers and rubbed small circles on it. I found myself comparing it to how Kason ran his fingers through my hair. His fingertips were so soothing and his touch was so warm, and Stacey’s small circles on my skin didn’t hold a flame to how comforting it was to be with him.
Shit.
I was in love with Kason Marx.
“Fuck,” I whispered.
“You ladies ready to order?” our waitress asked.
“A double bacon cheeseburger and sweet potato fries for me, and a large Caesar salad with extra dressing and a cup of broccoli cheddar soup for her, please. We’ll both have some blackberry iced tea.”
“Anything else?” she asked.
“An updated reality check,” I murmured.
“She’s being dramatic,” Stacey said. “We’re fine. Thank you.”
I sighed. “Will we get dessert?”
“Of course,” Stacey said. “Of course we’ll get dessert, Hanna.”
“I can’t believe I fell in love with Kason,” I whispered.
“Hanna,” Stacey said, “you’re in love. How does it feel?”
I couldn’t help the smile that crawled across my cheeks before I reached for my best friend’s hand.
“It feels… incredible,” I said, smiling.
“Maybe you might do this a little better than you thought,” Stacey said.
And for the first time since I’d set my mind to having a child, I had a feeling Stacey was right.