Chapter 17
Will
When I went to pick up Avery after his weekend with his grandmother, she was fixing something for lunch, so I sat with her while Avery played in the other room. Like normal, we began to chat, but this time it was much deeper than usual.
“How is Ella doing?” she asked, glancing up from the stove at me.
“She’s doing good. Just trying to enjoy her summer before she heads back for her senior year at Harvard. I swear she never slows down. I can’t keep up with it all.”
“You and Ella spend a lot of time together these days. I haven’t seen you alone in a while. And I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, just an observation. I guess you could call me a curious old lady.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said, looking down. “Ella watches Avery for me a lot because he feels comfortable with her and then she can make some cash for school. Sure, I guess I’d consider her a friend. We are around each other enough. But really, I don’t know where you are getting all your gossip from lately. The janitor at the apartment complex? Just because a man and a woman spend time together doesn’t mean marriage and children are right around the corner. Like I said, she is just a friend.”
“Oh, come off it,” my mom said, surprising me with her candor. “I know there is something going on between the two of you. I’ve seen how you look at each other when you don’t think anyone is watching. Don’t worry, I very much approve of Ella. Besides, you have been on your own long enough. There is nothing wrong with moving on.”
I brushed off her statements and changed the subject, not sure how I felt about this revelation my mother was having. On one hand, she was right. There was definitely something going on between us, but it wasn’t what she thought. On the other hand, maybe she was doing what she always did, reading the truth between the lines. It did feel nice for her to tell me she approved, and to try to show me it was okay for me to approve of it as well. She knew me too well, and she knew I would be fighting anything more than sex tooth and nail. She was one of the few people who had actually seen how hard it had hit me when Megan died. She had taken Avery for me to allow me time and space to grieve. Without it, I didn’t know where I would have ended up.
After lunch, Avery and I said our good-byes to grandma as she dropped us off at the train station. This was always a tough time for Avery because he loved his grandmother and never wanted to leave her. Once the train arrived, though, he switched his focus to obsessing over “choo-choo trains” for the remainder of the trip. As we rode along, I thought about my mother and what she had said. Usually when my mother talked to me about something, it brought a clarity I hadn’t seen before. This time, though, there was nothing but fog in my brain. I pulled out my phone and scanned the numbers until I landed on Brian’s name.
“Hey, dude,” he said on the other end.
“Hey, man,” I replied. “Do you have plans this evening?”
“Nope,” he said. “No wife, no plans. Why? What’s up?”
“I wanted to see if you wanted to come over when Avery and I get back,” I said. “I could use some of your brotherly advice.”
“Of course, man,” he said. “Text me when you get back to your place.”
“Thanks, Brian,” I replied before hanging up the phone.
When we got back, I texted Brian, and he made his way over. Avery went into his room to play with his toys, and I grabbed us a couple of beers and sat down in the living room. It was nice to have my best friend here. Over the years we had taken on different roles in the company, and we barely saw each other anymore.
“So, what’s up? What is this big secret?”
“Things are a little more in depth with Ella than previously explained,” I said. “I’ve been sleeping with her on and off during the summer.”
He chuckled. “I figured that would happen. So, what happens next? I mean, this can’t go on forever, right? She still has an entire year left at Harvard. What are you going to do when she heads back to Cambridge? I mean, I’m assuming this is why you called me over—for some friendly woman advice.”
“I called you over because you are like my brother and I never get to see you,” I said. “As far as Ella, she comes home all the time so I will still get laid. I’m not worried about it. Her parents are my damn neighbors, so it’s pretty much a given that she will end up here. And on top of that, she babysits Avery whenever she can.”
“So is it getting any more serious?” Brian asked, sipping his beer. “I mean, you seem to be pretty adamant about this. If you are sleeping together, it’s bound to get pretty serious, right? I mean, I can’t see this girl just saying, ‘Yeah, stick it in, I don’t need commitment.’”
“No,” I said, chuckling and shaking my head. “Dude, there is nothing serious about what we are doing; nor is it ever going to become serious. It’s all really, really simple. We’re just fucking. That’s all. That’s it. Nothing more to see here. Everyone wants some big drama, but I’m sorry to disappoint.”
“Man, okay, I get it,” he said, laughing. “But if you did take it further, I wouldn’t look badly on you at all. I mean, you are living the life, man. You have this hot as hell younger chick you are banging on a regular basis. You’re like the thirty-something hero, man. My wife left me for another chick, which is the perfect way to castrate your husband without any sharp instruments. So while you’re over there getting way oversensitive about being asked about a girl, I’m over here being way undersensitive about my emasculation via my now lesbian ex-wife and her new lover. Can you see how you might have it a little better than me?”
I laughed. “I know. Dude, you have had one hell of a couple years. I have to give it to you. I seriously don’t know how you are still smiling and laughing it up every day. At this point, I might have become one of those mountain men, run off by the hell of life, growing a monster beard and chopping wood somewhere off the grid in Vermont.”
“That is actually on my list after this, although I don’t look very good with a beard,” he joked. “But seriously, man, what’s up? You have a super young hottie at your fingertips and you’re acting like it’s nothing. You need to reevaluate your life, bro. Seriously, I don’t have the courage to have another go at it, so I live vicariously through men like you. And you, sir, are disappointing me at every turn.”
I laughed. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize I had to take your feelings into account in this situation. Let me just rearrange my life so you can feel the thrill of living once again.”
“Thank you,” he said. “I appreciate you finally realizing how important it is to live for me. I just don’t understand why everyone else can’t jump on that bandwagon. They have such a hard time understanding my needs and wants. My life is important, too, you know?”
“Of course,” I said, laughing. “My apologies.”
“I accept your apologies, all of them,” he replied, smiling. “No, man, in all seriousness, since my wife left me, I feel so much better. I feel free now, able to do what I want, when I want, and how I want. Maybe it was because we obviously weren’t meant for each other, though that may have something to do with my lack of a vagina, but after the pain of the loss subsided, I was able to take a deep breath and really see the world. And what did I find, you may ask? The knowledge that turning up your nose at a beautiful maiden only leads to wanting.”
“Thank you, Buddha,” I said. “I see that divorce has made you a very wise man.”
“No. That’s just from my experience with missing out on beautiful women. The divorce fucking sucked.” He laughed.
“Yeah, but the last thing I need in my life, or really am ready for at this point, is something long term,” I said.
“Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why aren’t you ready for something long term?”
Brian’s question struck a chord with me, and for the first time in a while, I was completely stumped. I didn’t have an answer for the man. I had spent so much energy pushing away anything more than sex that I hadn’t stopped and asked myself why. Why was I so concerned about my relationship with Ella developing into more? I had spent so much energy trying to keep it from developing that I had missed out on some of the best parts of it. I had pushed Ella away only for her to come back to my open arms. There had never been any hesitation about it. There’d been no question of whether I should let her back in. I just had. If it was really all about sex, then why couldn’t I pick up another woman? I should have felt comfortable knowing I could pick up a girl anytime I wanted for the sex part.
Brian talked about how he felt freer and more content now after his divorce, but I didn’t see that at all. If he was so content with his life, why would he feel the need to live vicariously through anyone else? Brian was covering his fears and concerns with the idea of total bliss, with the thought that he had everything he wanted and could control anything else that came into his life. Sex was abundant but short lived for him, and that wasn’t the basis of any kind of relationship. Emotions were the base that he and most people on this earth were searching for.
At the same time, though, sex was the beginning of so many different relationships. Maybe, just maybe, Ella and I could be something more. Maybe we did transcend the line between just sex and a relationship. Besides, did just sex even exist? Wasn’t there always some sort of emotion behind sex, whether it was only for one night or just as friends or a good-bye screw? Still, the fact that Ella was not here all the time was still a factor. I couldn’t ignore that she was going to be leaving for school again soon. For the sake of both of us, and our feelings, I needed to stop the back and forth and be resolved in my decision. I had to be serious about whatever relationship we did have.