KAYLA

The holidays used to bring on bouts of sadness until I started volunteering. Now, I spend every Thanksgiving at the soup kitchen serving others turkey and cornbread dressing. I usually help Delores and the other volunteers prepare a Thanksgiving dinner for hundreds of people the day before. It’s become my tradition, one I look forward to every year.

As I drive across town, I stop at Starbucks first for my favorite holiday drink—Pumpkin Spice latte. When the barista hands me that bright red holiday cup, I almost burst at the seams with excitement. Taking that first sip brings an instant smile to my face. It tastes like happiness—something I’ve been struggling to find lately.

By the time I arrive, I’ve finished my drink and am full of energy. When I walk in with a bop to my step, Delores takes notice.

“I think I’m going to need some of that holiday spirit you have,” she tells me, giving me a big hug and looking more tired than usual. She then directs me to the kitchen to start preparing homemade pie crusts.

“You didn’t bring my sweetheart with you,” she says, stacking cans of pie fillings on the table as I begin mixing the dough together.

I give her a small smile. Every time I think about Logan, my heart lurches forward. It’s been a few weeks, but the pain of it all is still fresh. Never did I imagine it would hurt like this. I miss him, and I’ve replayed his words over a million times. We had love—true love—and we lost it. For him, I’m a reminder of what we had, and to me, it’s a reminder of what I’ve lost. It’s much more than the memories—it was my life, my love, my everything.

Dolores’ soft voice brings me back from my thoughts.

“Aww honey, did you two break up?” She looks at me with sad eyes, and I don’t have to give her an answer because my silence tells it all. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. I’ll be all right.” I hope.

“That’s my girl.” Delores smiles. “When you’re finished with those crusts, come over and help me with the turkeys.”

I nod my head and continue mixing the dough before I roll it out on the table and place it in the pie tins. Once I’ve finished, Gina comes behind me and starts adding the apple filling into the pans. I laugh, thinking of Courtney and all the muffins I still have in my freezer. Though she said she was going to stop baking so much, she hasn’t. Actually, I think it’s only gotten worse with every new negative pregnancy test she gets.

After we finish the pies, Delores and I mix the dressing for the turkeys and start stuffing it inside.

“Do you know how long I’ve been doing this?” Delores asks.

I feel like I should know the answer to this question, but I can’t remember, which has been the story of my life for months.

I shake my head.

“Forty years.” She grins. “My husband died when I was close to your age, and it was hard for me during the holidays. To keep myself busy, I started volunteering. Forty years later and this place has become a part of me. It feels like my home.”

“Have I heard this story before?” I ask, wondering if I already knew this.

“This is all new information for ya.” She winks at me. “I didn’t think I’d ever get over it. I felt like every part of my heart had died with him, but I’m still here. I guess the moral of this story is life keeps going regardless of the pain we endure. We have to make the best of each day we’re given.”

I let her words sink in as she places the turkeys in the oven. “And you never remarried, even after all those years?”

“A love like ours only happens once in a lifetime. So, I never looked for it again.”

Her words rip through me, and I wonder if I’m staring at a future image of myself. As far as I know, I had love like that, and what if I never do again? Confliction overtakes me for just a moment, and I’m grateful to be here and be busy because the thought keeps repeating itself in my mind. I had been distant. I had been feeling uneasy, but was allowing Logan to let me go a mistake? Or was it the way it’s meant to be?

––––––––

Thanksgiving Day comes and goes and everything at the soup kitchen went as planned. I couldn’t be happier to spend it serving others. I’ve been thinking a lot about what Delores said to me in the kitchen and realize they’ve all become my home and family too.

As soon as Thanksgiving is over, the radio stations begin playing Christmas music every hour on the hour. Between that and the white lights being hung up in my neighborhood, it’s an indication my favorite time of the year is here. Though it’s only the first day of December, the air’s been crisp this last week, and I’m excited to finally be able to pull my baggy sweaters and Ugg boots out of the closet. I live for this season.

My house is usually decorated from top to bottom before Thanksgiving, but this year I’ve been a bit behind. Between finalizing paperwork on the new shelter and searching for volunteers, I’ve found very little time to hang lights around the outside of my house until today.

Once I’m all finished decorating, I’m halfway tempted to text Logan a picture of what I accomplished, just out of habit, but I don’t. Over the last few months, he’s been my biggest supporter, someone I could lean on and talk to, but not anymore. Instead I snap a picture of my porch decorated with blinky lights and a huge Santa wreath and send it to Courtney and Viola in a group message. Instantly I see their text bubbles pop up. 

C: OMG SO CUTE! Come do my house next!

V: I want a Santa wreath with dangly legs!

I laugh, because they continue play arguing on who’s getting a Christmas wreath for their doors first.

I walk inside and let the dogs out while waiting for their replies.

C: I’m in!

I smile big because I’m so excited my friends are there for me when I need them the most. Though I know I can tell them anything, it’s hard for me to talk about Logan right now. I feel like my heart is fighting against my mind, throwing me into a deep pit filled with confusion and confliction. I can’t recall a time I’ve ever felt so empty after a breakup.

The next morning, I wake up so damn excited to focus on something other than the shelter even if it’s only for a few hours with my girls. My new work adventure has been taking all my attention, but with good reason, considering we have our grand opening the week before Christmas. I could’ve waited until after the new year, but time really is of the essence when it comes to saving animals. I’m not complaining, but the only time I’m home is to feed and walk the dogs or sleep. I couldn’t be happier for the distraction, though, because all the pieces are beginning to finally fall into place.

After I take the dogs for their second walk to Donny’s, I come home, shower, then change into some leggings with an oversized sweater. I pair the ensemble with some high boots that zip up my calf. As soon as I swipe my long hair back into a bun, I hear a horn honking outside. Courtney is always punctual. That girl doesn’t know how to be late.

Viola is in the passenger seat laughing, and I’m sure it’s because Court said something crazy or inappropriate.

I open the door and climb into the backseat next to TJ’s car seat.

“What?” I ask with a suspicious grin.

“Nothing,” Courtney says in a high singsong pitch. “I just won a bet.”

“About me?”

Her eyes meet mine in the rearview mirror as she reverses from my driveway and heads toward the zoo.

“I told her you’d walk out of the house looking like a basic bitch.” Courtney chuckles.

I look down at what I’m wearing then move forward and notice the three of us have on leggings, boots, and sweaters. “We couldn’t have planned this any better.”

“I know I’m a basic bitch. All I need is a muffin and a Venti black coffee from Starbucks and I’m good,” Courtney admits.

Viola laughs but doesn’t say a word because we know it’s all true.

“If you were truly a basic bitch, you’d get a Venti Caramel Frappuccino with an extra shot double blended. Just sayin’,” I say.

By the time we make it to the zoo, the sun is setting, which is perfect timing considering it’s a night event. Once we’re inside the gates, I’m in awe by how beautifully it’s all decorated. Twinkling Christmas lights are draped over the main walk area and different animal statues are covered with bright white lights. We stop by the wine garden and I grab three, but Courtney passes since she’s trying to get pregnant and Viola says she’s still breastfeeding, so I shrug and keep all three for myself. Christmas music is playing throughout the park and I love it. Where the sidewalks meet in the center of the zoo, there’s a big Christmas display and North Pole background where Santa Claus is taking pictures with the kids.

“We should get a picture together,” Viola suggests, pushing the stroller in that direction.

Sadness rushes over me for a second. The last time I took a picture with Santa was in San Francisco when Logan and I decided to start over. The picture is still on my fridge because I haven’t had to heart to take it down yet. Not yet. But maybe after today, I’ll replace it with this one and it’ll be a small step in moving forward. The cool wind causes a chill to crawl up my spine.

“Looks like we got in line just in time,” I tell them, looking at how far the line formed in just a short amount time.

We’re chatting and laughing together as we wait and when we step closer to the front of the line, I spot a little girl sitting on Santa’s lap. My mouth falls open and Courtney and Viola both stare at me with worry in their eyes. Emotions flood through me, so deep, that my knees almost go weak. I grab Courtney’s hand and squeeze it while trying to find the words.

“Oh my God,” I mutter to myself, blinking.

“Are you okay? Kayla?” Courtney asks, eagerly.

I suck in a deep breath, one that fills my entire lungs and watch the little girl smile for the photo. She hugs Santa one last time before she hops off his lap and walks out with an older couple. I blink my eyes hard, trying to focus, think, and recall.

“It’s...Skylar,” I whisper. Skylar. Logan’s daughter.

Courtney and Viola both turn around, scanning the crowd, until their eyes land on her.

“Yes, that’s Skylar,” Courtney says confirming it.

“And that’s Logan’s parents. Skylar’s grandparents,” I add.

Viola and Courtney keep looking at each other then back at me.

“I’ve never met his parents before,” Courtney says, not able to tell me for sure, but I know. I remember who they are.

“That’s Skylar. Logan’s daughter and his parents. Logan. Oh my God,” I repeat, almost dropping to my knees when the memories rushed back. Blinking repeatedly, I cover my mouth with my hands and hold back tears.

“Kayla, what is it?” Viola asks in a panic.

“I remember,” I tell them. “I remember everything.”

––––––––

Logan never mentioned her name to me or showed me any pictures, but it’s like someone turned on a light switch when I saw Skylar’s sweet face. Memories flood back in with full force and the only thing I want to do right now is go to Logan.

“Everything?” Courtney asks.

“Everything,” I confirm. “I have to find Logan.”

Courtney and Viola don’t hesitate to rush out and drive me back to my house so I can pick up my car. Tears flood down my face as everything from my past and present being merging together. I almost feel sick thinking about how hurt Logan must be, but I plan to fix that as soon as possible.

“So, it all just came back like that?” Courtney asks. They’re both so damn happy to have me back that I barely have the words to express what’s going through my mind right now.

“Just like that,” I reply, reaching from the backseat to give them hugs. Grabbing my keys from my purse, I run to my car. I need to speak with Logan right now.

Before I put the car in reverse, I suck in a deep breath and say a little prayer, hoping this all works out.

Courtney texts me just before I pull out.

C: Please let us know what happens. Go get your man!

K: I will!

Before going to Logan’s unannounced, I send him a quick text.

K: I’m coming over. I need to talk to you ASAP. I’m sorry but this can’t wait.

There’s no reply but I continue driving to his house, my mind reeling in everything that’s happened between us over the last few years. God, I wanted him so damn bad and had him. He loved me with every part of his heart and soul and then the worst happened.

I can’t stop smiling on my way over and by the time I pull into his driveway, I’m anxious as hell to see him again. I nearly run out of my car and up his porch and hurriedly ring the doorbell. Footsteps echo through his house and become louder as they reach the door. When the door swings open, my smile immediately diminishes.

A woman with blonde curly hair wearing nothing but one of Logan’s T-shirts stands at the door. The shirt is way too big and rests just above her knees. Her hair is all tousled up into a messy bun and there’s a wine glass in one hand. If I didn’t loathe the very existence of her being in Logan’s house, I’d say she was even pretty. She’s a spitting image of Skylar with bright blue eyes, and I can only assume it’s Maggie. She sure looks comfortable strutting around half-naked in his house. An uneasy feeling rests in the pit of my stomach and as much as I try to swallow it down, it threatens to surface. The sinking feeling that I just interrupted something steals my breath away.

“Can I help you?” she snaps when I don’t say anything.

“Um...yeah, sorry. I’m looking for Logan. Is he home?” This is awkward as fuck, but I’m not leaving without him knowing the truth.

“Sorry, sweetie.” Her tone is dripping with sarcasm. She glances behind her and grins. “He’s currently tied up at the moment and can’t make it to the door. Can I help you with something?” Maggie gives me a big smile but her eyes are shooting daggers.

“I’m sorry,” I mumble, trying to gather my emotions up in a small box and keep them there. I turn around and numbly run back to my car just as she shuts the door.

My mind is creating all these scenarios since Logan and I ended our relationship. They must be back together, and it’s too much for me to fully process. I can’t be the one who keeps a picture-perfect family apart, especially for Skylar’s sake. I want nothing more than for Logan to be happy, because he at least deserves that after everything I’ve put him through.

Before I completely lose myself, I reverse out of his driveway, but only get a mile down the road before I pull over and text Courtney.

It’s as if the universe is crying with me because just as I hit send, rain falls in big heavy drops from the sky. I didn’t even know rain was in the forecast. It pounds on my car as I pull back into traffic, and I drive back home slowly.

Sitting in my car and waiting for the rain to let up, I check the forecast and see it’s supposed to rain and storm all night long. Grabbing my keys and purse, I jump out of the car and run for it. 

Once I’m inside, completely drenched and feeling sorry for myself, the dogs run up to me, happy as ever to see me. It’s the only thing that puts a small smile on my face and keeps me from completely breaking down.

Not only do I remember our past, but now I’m realizing everything that Logan did for me while I was trying to find myself. Is it ironic that I’d now rather forget it all? My heart may have hurt before, but now it feels like it’s being peeled away in layers.

After I change out of my wet clothes, I sit on the couch with the pups and mindlessly watch TV. I almost fall asleep when I hear a loud pounding at my door. At first, I wonder if I’m hearing things, but then it happens again.

I get up to answer it and look outside to see Logan standing in the rain with his head bowed down. Quickly as I can, I open the door but I’m confused to see him here.

“Do you really remember us?” he asks over the pounding of the rain. Water drops against his skin and drips down his face.

“Oh my God, Logan.” I swallow hard. “Come inside. You’re soaked.”

After he steps inside, I close the door behind him.

“Do you really remember everything?” he asks again, brushing the wet strands of his hair off his face.

“Yes. You. Us. All of it. But...” I begin to ask how he knew when realization sets in as Logan pulls his phone out of his pocket with my message up on the screen.

“Oh, shit.” I shake my head. “I texted you instead of Courtney,” I say, confirming why he’s here. “Again.”

“You remember,” he repeats as if he needs more confirmation.

“I recognized Skylar and your parents at the zoo and it just all came flashing back. It’s hard to explain, but...”

He takes a step toward me, and I take a step back. The smile on his face slightly fades.

“Logan, wait.” I hold up a hand. “You deserve to have your family. I don’t want to come between you and Maggie. Skylar deserves—”

He removes the space between us and covers my mouth with his finger, stopping my words. 

“We’re not together, Kayla,” he tells me, but I can’t completely comprehend the words. “I had to stay late at work tonight and asked her to stop over to let Herman out. Since she only has a shower in her house, Maggie asked if she could use my tub and I told her it’d be fine. You must’ve come over then. I don’t know what she said to you, but trust me when I say there is nothing between us and never will be.”

“Really?” I ask, unable to fully believe it myself.

“Yes. I swear.”

My emotions are about to bubble over. All that heartache and horrible scenarios running through my mind weren’t a reality, and I feel the happiness flood back into my heart. There’s nothing in our way; nothing holding us back from being together anymore. I’m overwhelmed as I look into his eyes and see the same happiness on his face.

Logan moves in close and before his lips touch mine he slightly pulls back. “Do you remember the first time we kissed?”

Grinning, I nod. “Yes.”

“In the coffee house,” he adds.

Smiling at the memory, I continue. “Yes, when you saved me from my horrible date who spoke Ubbi Dubbi.” I remember, laughing out a choked sob.

“Do you remember the fake name I used?”

I know he’s testing me to see if I really remember, and I’m proud to know that answer. It’s a day I could never forget now. I think back to that moment, when our lips touched for the first time and remember the way it made me feel then and how his lips made me feel now.

“William Prince,” I confirm with a smile. “But you’ll always be my Knight in shining armor.”

Without a word, he cups my face in his hands and pulls our mouths together. When our lips collide, shivers run up my spine at the desperation of his touch. I feel his kiss with every fiber of my being, and there’s no mistaking the way I feel for him. 

Moaning against my lips, his tongue sends heat straight down my body. He pulls back slightly, grabs my cheeks and looks me straight in the eyes. “I love you so damn much, Angel. I always have. I would’ve waited the rest of my goddamn life for you.”

Tears of happiness form on the brims of my eyes, and it’s hard for me to find my words, but somehow, I do. “I love you, too. I always have and always will.”