LOGAN

Hours pass and the sun begins to set over the horizon. On the drive home, I can’t help the smile on my face. Skylar was so happy, and it’s those moments watching her play and be a kid that I will treasure for life.

Everything in life was falling into place right before it was ripped into tiny pieces, which somehow isn’t surprising. Falling hard for Kayla meant hitting rock bottom even harder and nothing could’ve ever prepared me for this. 

Once I’m home, I take Herman outside then jump in the shower. As I stand under the stream allowing the water to run over my body, the overwhelming feeling of missing Kayla hits me like a ton of bricks. It’s almost as if I’m in mourning. My heart hurts so bad over this and no one can help me. No one can make the pain of losing her go away. Though she’s not gone, the memories of us together are, and it’s almost too much. I stand under the water until it turns cold and take that as my cue to get out.

Just as I’m finished drying off, Drew calls.

“Courtney’s informed me she’s busy tonight. The Yankees are playing, and I’ve got a fridge full of beer with our name on it,” he says as if I will automatically agree. I chuckle and decide to meet him because once he becomes a new dad, outings like this may be scarce for awhile.

On the way over to Drew’s, I’m half-tempted to call Kayla. It’s strange not being able to pick up the phone and chat with her about nothing. I should almost be used to it by now, but considering she’d become such a major part of my life, giving her space is hard. I’m learning to live with it one day at a time.

Once I’m at Drew’s, I get out and knock on the door. Courtney opens it with a big smile and a hug.

“Detective,” she says in her Southern accent.

“Hey, Court. Yankees winning?”

She nods her head with a smile then stands to the side to allow me in. After she tells Drew goodbye, she leans over the couch and gives him a big kiss on the lips. “I’ll be back in a few hours. Don’t get into too much trouble while I’m away.”

“Oh, you know me.” Drew looks at her with so much love and adoration in his eyes. Courtney looks over at him with the same expression, and it makes me miss my Angel all over again. Damn it.

Once she’s gone, Drew goes to the fridge and grabs us both a beer.

“Walking kinda funny there, partner.” He hands me the bottle, and I twist the cap off and take a big swig.

“I think it’s all the sex I’ve been having. Every. Single. Day. Sometimes three times a day. Though I’m not complaining at all.” He laughs. “I’m the luckiest guy in the world. Now if only Court would stop pissing on so many of those damn sticks. I should probably buy stock in pregnancy tests. Hell, at this point, I should probably just buy the company.”

I give him a smile. “It’ll happen when you least expect it. That’s how life works.”

Drew gives me a serious look as he takes a big pull from his beer. “Logan. Were you scared when you became a father? Did it freak you out that maybe you wouldn’t be a good dad or know what to do? I’ve been thinking a lot about it lately.”

His question somewhat catches me off guard. I’ve chatted about Skylar with him before but mainly small talk, and he’s never asked me any questions about fatherhood. Granted, in the beginning, I can’t say I was the best father because I was so far away, but it wasn’t completely my fault. I wanted to be there for her every chance I could. Before I get lost in my thoughts, I take the time to gather my words. I’ve never been one to just speak for the sake of speaking.

“The first time you lay eyes on your child, your entire world changes. You’ll do anything and everything for that tiny human being that you helped create. Instinct kicks in and somehow you know how to change shitty diapers and mix formula. I’ve never felt unconditional love before I saw Skylar. Trust me, your dad instincts just flick on. And yeah, I was scared shitless, not going to lie about that. But Skylar has been my blessing, my saving grace, and though I wasn’t prepared for her to come into this world, I wouldn’t change a thing.”

Parenting isn’t easy but I have no doubt in my mind that Drew and Courtney will be the best parents they can be. A big smile forms on Drew’s face and I know my words helped calm some of his fears. “Thanks, man. I think I needed to hear that.”

The mood swiftly changes as the Yankees are down in the fourth inning. Drew is yelling at the TV as if they can hear him telling them to get their shit together.

“And just think, football season starts in just a few weeks,” I remind him.

“Oh great. That means Courtney and I will be fighting over our teams again. I’m sorry but the 49ers are better than the Dallas Cowboys,” Drew tries to say without laughing. “Really, the Cowboys are the better team, but don’t you dare tell her that. I’ll never hear the end of it.” Drew laughs and slyly slips in his next question. “So, what’s going on with you and Kayla? Any progress?”

I take that as my cue to get up and grab our next round of beers since both of ours are now empty. It gives me time to breathe and an opportunity to think about his question. I’m stalling, I know, but Drew is glued back to the TV so he doesn’t notice. When I return with our beers, he’s waiting for an answer.

“Not really. We’re friends and just friends. I saw her with Christian, the vet, at the coffee shop and it took every bit of strength I had to not to beat in his perfectly straight teeth. Fucking prick.”

Drew grabs a bag of chips from the coffee table. “Have you ever thought of asking her on a date? Like, trying to start over? If she fell for your hardass once, I’m sure she could again. Everyone deserves a second chance.”

I look at him like he’s lost his mind. “Ask her on a date?”

“Exactly. What do you have to lose really? Absolutely nothing. But the real question is, what do you have to gain?”

As I think about Drew’s words and allow them to resonate with me, I realize he’s right. Why didn’t I think about this sooner? I’ve been too caught up with keeping my distance and us being friends that the thought of going on a real date never crossed my mind. We’ve been on many dates before, but for Kayla, it will be an opportunity to experience our first date again, if she agrees. Not many people get second chances, so why not use this opportunity to remind her why she fell so hard for me in the first place?

Only this time, I’ll be the one chasing her and not giving up.

The girl who loves me is still in there somewhere.

I have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

––––––––

KAYLA

My stomach is so full of Courtney’s muffins that I have a food baby and it’s twins. After she leaves, I sit on the couch miserably stuffed and turn on the TV to see the Yankees win the game in the last inning. Instantly, I change the channel to some silly love story where the girl and guy are madly in love and can’t stop sharing their feelings. It makes me wonder if that’s where Logan and I left off, but by the text messages and the way he looks at me, I know it was, and it kind of makes me miss the unknown.

All my life I’ve wanted and dreamed of a healthy, loving relationship, and I can’t help but be angry that it was ripped away from me at my happiest. I wish there was an explanation to it all, but there’s not.

Philip and Adam chase each other around the house, and I can’t help but laugh at them. I swear they must’ve found a few crumbs from Courtney’s muffins because they’re wired. Kristoff is lying on the floor unamused with them both. Just as I get up to open the back door to let them run around outside, the doorbell rings and startles me. All three of them start barking as loud as they can, and I decide to wait before letting them out, just in case I need extra protection.

Telling them to hush as I walk through the living room, I check the peephole. Logan is standing at my door in a black T-shirt and blue jeans. His hair is messy and his hands are tucked into his pockets. I can’t deny how sexy he is. There’s something about him that’s so mysterious. Knowing I look like a hot mess, I try to fix my hair quick. Just as he turns to walk away, I open the door.

“Logan,” I say, stepping out, almost worried that he’s here unannounced. “Everything okay?”

He turns and gives that look, the one that tells me how much I mean to him and how he would do anything for me. It makes me feel guilty for not remembering us. Taking a few steps toward me, I watch as a smirk charms his face, and I instinctively smile back at him.

“Kayla, sorry for coming over without texting or calling. I just...”

“It’s fine,” I say, inviting him inside.

After he shuts the door, Logan stands there for a moment, and I can tell he has something to say, so I wait anxiously.

He rubs the scruff along his jaw and even looks a tad nervous. I’m not sure what he’s about to say, but it’s making me worried just watching him.

“I don’t know how to say this, so I’m just going to come out and say it. I can’t just be only friends anymore.”

“What?” I question, panic quickly taking over.

“Go on a date with me,” he says, confidently now. “You and me. Next Saturday.”

I search his face, and all I can do is smile in relief. Swallowing, I shift my feet and nod. “Okay.”

“Really?” He almost seems shocked that I’d agree.

I nod again.

Logan takes a few steps forward, removing the space between us. His smell surrounds me and there’s no way I can ignore him when he’s so close. Opening his arms, Logan pulls me into them and holds me and oddly enough it feels like home. I don’t even think to push him away because I’m so comforted by him. It’s not awkward or weird—just different. If I close my eyes, I can almost imagine what our relationship was like before and sadness washes over me.

After another moment, Logan releases me. “I’m sorry. Habit.”

“I could try to get used to it.” His eyes tell me everything his lips won’t say.

“Trying is all we can do.” Logan shoves his hands into his pockets.

I give him a smile and walk to the kitchen. “Hey, do you happen to like Courtney’s blueberry muffins?”

Logan lets out a hearty laugh.

“Dumb question, I guess. Everyone loves Courtney’s muffins.” I open the fridge and load a bag of them for him.

“Please take them. I’ve already eaten at least five.” I open the freezer and show him two other Ziploc bags stuffed to the brim with muffins.

“I’ve already got two Ziploc bags in my car. Courtney made me swear I wouldn’t tell Drew she’s pawning muffins off on me, though I plan to bring them to the station tomorrow. The guys go crazy over those muffins.”

“Are you sure you don’t want another two bags?” I tease.

“You’re starting to sound a little bit too much like your friend,” he jokes.

Standing there awkwardly, Logan breaks the silence. “Well, I guess I should get going.”

He walks toward the door, and before making it across the living room, I stop him. “Don’t go yet.”

Turning around, he searches my face, waiting for me to explain. “I just...don’t want to be alone. Not yet at least. I’ve been trying to keep myself busy, trying to figure out my life, and it gets frustrating. Then I get down. I’m better when people are around. Gives me less time to think about how fucked up this situation is.”

“I’ll stay anytime you want me to. If you ever feel lonely, call me. I’m always available for you.”

“Why are you so good to me?” I ask with an appreciative smile.

Without a beat, he blurts out, “Because I love you. You mean so much to me. And God, I wish you remembered. I almost envy the fact that you don’t.” He doesn’t make eye contact with me, and I stand there allowing his voice to echo through the room. Neither of us says a word, too lost in our own thoughts.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said those things,” Logan says sincerely, obviously hurting.

Taking his hand, I lead him to the couch and he sits next to me.

“Never apologize for speaking your truths. Honestly, I’ve tried to put myself in your shoes a million times over the last few weeks. I’ve tried to imagine us in switched places with you not remembering me while I have every tiny detail burned into my memory. It would drive me insane. I’m sure it’s hard for you to be around me or even look at me. It’s like someone else is in my body. So, I agree and sympathize with you, I don’t know which is harder. To remember it all or to not remember a single memory, either way, we’re both feeling alone,” I tell him.

Logan takes a deep breath and exhales slowly. “We still have each other. And I’ll always be there for you, regardless of what the future holds. When I realized you couldn’t remember, a piece of my heart went missing too. I won’t feel whole again until I have it back.”

My emotions start to bubble over, and I try to hold it back, but there’s no use. I’ve felt so much confusion and frustration over the last few weeks that I knew I’d inevitably lose it at some point.

Before the tears hit my cheeks, Logan pulls me into his chest and we sit in each other’s arms until we lose track of time.

I want to remember. I want to know what I lost and why he meant so much to me. The memories may not be there, but I can give him a real chance and see where it goes. That’s the least I can do.