Chapter Four
“You’re really quiet,” Jack commented, his eyes on the road as they drove back to the house, the air filled with a pregnant silence.
“Yeah,” Cara responded, her eyes fixed straight ahead, and her hands folded in her lap.
“Did something happen when I stepped outside to take a phone call? You looked different when you walked out.”
“Yeah, something did, but what do you mean by different?”
“I don’t know. It’s a bittersweet kind of feeling almost, but I could be wrong.” Jack shrugged, but she could feel the worry radiating off him.
Bless him, he always worried too much.
Jack had been her best friend since the fourth grade. He was the quiet kid who stuttered, and she was the new girl who loved books too much.
They bonded fast, and from that day on, they were like peanut butter and jelly.
She wanted so much to tell him how she felt, but she wasn’t sure she could articulate it, and she was worried about his reaction when he found out that Jack tried to win her back.
He used to like Jack a great deal, they were even becoming friends, but the second it happened, Jack turned on Jack in a heartbeat.
Cara’s mind went to how she felt walking away from Jack.
Each step she took away from him felt like ice cold dread in her heart, each breath felt more labored than the last, but with that pain came a different sense of freedom. And pride.
All the emotions she kept bottled up had finally bubbled to the surface, and she felt lighter than she felt in years. Sure, the price she had to pay might be never getting another chance with Jack, but to get her freedom back, that was worth a lot more.
As for the pride, well she was proud of herself. There was nothing wrong with that.
She’d done it.
What she should’ve done the minute she found out he was talking to his ex and hiding things from her then lying blatantly to her face. She should’ve left him then and there because she had a zero-tolerance policy when it came to lying, and cheating.
She didn’t though because she loved him.
Slowly, she began to realize that love wasn’t enough.
The longer she stayed with him, the more suspicious she became. Trust began to erode, like an eraser than you used one too many times until finally, it was just the tip that was left.
She kept telling herself that people make mistakes, and she could forgive him as long as he truly meant it. Until he did it again. The second time was way worse.
Because instead of apologizing for it, he turned the tables around, and blamed her for asking in the first place.
“It was, I guess. Bittersweet I mean,” Cara clarified after a long silence.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
Did she?
She knew she should, but want and should are two very distinct things. She knew she would feel better if it was all out in the open, but saying it made it more real, and more tangible somehow.
As if she could somehow reach out and touch old versions of herself and warn her. But even if she could, she wasn’t sure she would.
Cara was a big believer in fate, and things happening for a reason.
“I think I do, yeah.”
Jack turned to face her in surprise, forgetting for a second that he was driving. “Really?”
“You don’t have to sound so surprised about it. I talk to you about things,” Cara teased good naturedly.
“I know, but so far, you haven’t said a word about what happened.”
“Could you please turn your attention back to the road? Driving usually involves keeping your eyes on the road.”
Abruptly, Jack’s eyes swung back to the road, and he focused his attention elsewhere.
Cara took a deep breath before she exhaled loudly. “I wasn’t ready, Jack. Talking about it would’ve made it real, and I don’t think I was ready to face that it was well and truly over.”
Jack pulled into his spot in the garage, killed the engine, and he sat there for a moment as if he was afraid she’d change her mind. “What about now? What changed your mind?”
“Something you taught me actually.”
Jack turned to face her, astonishment written all over his face. “Me? How?”
“You saved my life, Jack. In so many ways. I wouldn’t have gotten through the break up if it weren’t for you, you know that. Let’s go upstairs, and I’ll tell you the rest.”
They both exited the car at the same time, and slammed their doors, a hush descending upon them.
On their way up, Cara stopped and stared out the window.
“Look, it’s the first snowfall of the year!”
Christmas was her favorite holiday. She loved decorating the tree, singing the songs and drinking hot cocoa while watching the classic Christmas holidays.
“I smell pumpkin spice in the air.” Jack rolled his eyes as he made a gagging face.
“Oh, shut up. You don’t know what you’re missing out on.”
“I can live with that.”
***
Twenty minutes later, they were seated on the couch in the living room opposite each other. They had both changed into comfortable sweatpants and hoodies since there was a cool chill in the air, and Cara had a blanket wrapped around her.
She curled her fingers around the mug, and let the steam warm her fingers. “Thanks for making me hot cocoa.”
“I’m happy to help. Besides, I figured it might help. You don’t have to tell me, Cara. You can change your mind if you want.”
Cara blew on the drink, and tentatively took a sip, savoring the taste as it raced down, tinkling different parts of her throat.
“No, I’m sure. It’s time to talk about it. If I don’t open up that can of worms then I will never truly be able to move forward, and in an odd kind of way, I needed to see Jack today to realize that.”
Cara curled her feet underneath and adjusted the blanket. She twirled a lose strand of thread. “I’m not even sure where to begin. I’ve spent so long running away from it, never ready to face it, and here I am.”
“Here you are.” Jack echoed. “Do you want to tell me what happened between you and Jack?”
Cara yanked on the thread. “Well, we were fine until he just started acting weird. All of a sudden, he wasn’t responding to my calls or my texts.”
“I remember you telling me that, and how worried you were.”
Cara lifted her gaze up. “What I didn’t tell you is that a week before that, his ex texted me because she wanted to make sure that I was there for him, and making sure he’s okay.”
“His ex?” Jack raised an eyebrow, glanced sideways then back at her. “The ex that he used to think was his soul mate? The one that he loved really and truly? The one he wanted to marry? That ex?”
Cara nodded. “That ex.”
Jack whistled. “Damn, that’s hard. She didn’t know you two were a thing?”
Cara and Jack had been best friends for about four years before they fell for each other and began dating. When they became an item, she thought that everybody knew.
“No, she didn’t, and I was at his house that day, so when I showed him the text, and asked him what she was talking about, he tried to lie about it, but then he backtracked and said it was nothing.”
“Why would he do that?”
“I don’t know, and the thing is, I wasn’t worried until then. He was free to talk to whoever he wants to talk to, I just wanted him to be honest about it.”
Jack picked up his mug and eyed her over the rim. “Isn’t this the ex he chose after the first time you two kissed, and she came back into his life?”
“Yeah, that’s the one, Zoe.”
Jack and Zoe had a long history together.
A history that, ironically, began because of Cara. Cara and Zoe were friends, and they hung out quite often, so when Zoe expressed interest in dating Jack, she asked Cara if it would be okay.
Cara was thrilled at the time, thinking that they would make the perfect couple.
And they did.
For a while.
But then they became impatient, and Jack fell back into old habits. He started pushing Zoe away, dodging her calls, and acting like she had the plague. Cara tried to reason with him, to make him see sense because she could see how much he still loved Zoe, but he was not to be deterred.
So, even though, he had already introduced Zoe to his parents, and he talked about marrying her, they ended things.
Jack was heartbroken.
Until they got back together.
Then they broke up again.
Then got back together again.
Eventually, they both realized that they couldn’t keep doing it, and so they ended it for good, or so Cara thought.
A year later, when Cara and Jack got drunk and kissed each other, Cara tried not to read into it considering they had both just gotten out of bad relationships.
Much to her dismay though, it unveiled some hidden feelings she never knew existed, and she found herself wondering about Jack, but they both agreed not to risk the friendship.
Then, Jack started acting like a jealous boyfriend, so that left them in a rather precarious position. That all changed when Zoe came back into the picture, and he dropped Cara like a hot potato.
“Anyways, I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it, considering nothing had happened, but then like I said, a week later, things took a turn for the worse. He kept disappearing then reappearing. Giving me monosyllabic answers, forgetting about plans we made, and eventually one day when he was really sick, I couldn’t find him. I was frantic, I called his parents, his brother, and even his best friend, but nobody had heard from him.”
Jack gestured for her to continue as he placed his hand atop hers and squeezed.
“I don’t know why I did it, and I know I had no right to go snooping like that, but I was terrified. The last time had disappeared like that, he nearly hurt himself, and if it hadn’t been for the fact that I got there on time, I don’t know what would’ve happened.”
“You reached out to Zoe, didn’t you?” Jack said softly, understanding dawning on his features.
“I did, and I’m not proud of it, and sometimes I wish I hadn’t. She told me she hadn’t heard from him that day, but that she had just spoken to him a few days ago to check on him since he told her that he was feeling down. A sick feeling began to form in the pit of my stomach, and so against my better judgement, I asked her if she knew that he was seeing somebody, and she said no, that he hadn’t mentioned it.”
“That bastard.” Jack swore under his breath, and he clasped both of her hands tightly in his. “I can’t believe he would do that. I remember you being very agitated, and it all makes sense now. You tried to reach out to him, but he froze you out, and then he went to his, his ex of all people for comfort?! Not only that, but he also failed to mention that he was with you.”
Cara sighed. “Yeah, so I confronted him, and when I did, I asked him if there was anything he wanted to tell me, repeatedly, but he said there wasn’t anything. With each other no, I began to despair until finally I told him that I knew, and that’s when things snowballed out of control. He accused me of spying on him, of not trust him, and how I just had to make things about me.”
Jack’s face contorted into anger. “What the hell is wrong with him? He was in the wrong here, not you!”
Cara shrugged. “I think it was because he knew that I had cornered him, and like a cat caught in the act, he lashed out. Instead of owning up to his mistakes. Jack did always have a problem admitting when he was wrong, and apologizing.”
Jack’s mouth pressed into a thin line. “What else did he say?”
“He flew into a rage, said that I was trying to victimize myself like I always did, and that he thought I was different than his exes who constantly spied on him, but that I turned out to be just like them. A two-timing backstabber.”
“Son of a bitch! He was projecting his own mistakes onto you.”
“That’s not the worst part, Jack. The worst part is that he knew exactly what to say to get under my skin, and I believed him. I was so in love with him, I would’ve done anything for him.”
“Jesus, Cara, I don’t know what to say.” Jack raked his hand through his hair causing it to stick out in tufts, his brown eyes regarding her solemnly.
“You know how things got ugly then, and how I spiraled into a deep and dark depression especially when my parents both get sick around the same time.”
“Cara….” Jack hesitated. “Is that when you tried to hurt yourself?”
Cara ducked her head, shame flooding her. She had never been the type to exhibit self-harming behavior up until that point. She had gone through a lot of break ups, good and bad, and when she was all cried out, she picked herself up and got back on again.
Jack was different though, or at least she thought he was.
He had been there for her through every single one of those break ups, and so he became an integral part of her life. As essential to her as air or water.
And for a while, she believed he was the love of her life.
They had even stayed up late one night talking about what they’d name their kids.
In that moment, that singularly beautiful moment, she was blissfully happy, she couldn’t imagine not being with him.
She should’ve seen the warning signs though.
Jack wasn’t stable, and he never had been.
He might’ve meant it at the time, but he never saw it through.
Maybe it was just who he was.
What Cara didn’t know at the time is because she had felt such intense happiness in the moment is that she would excruciating pain when it all ended.
It felt like someone had reached in and ripped her heart clean out of her chest without any kind of anesthetic then dumped her out into the cold and unforgiving night air. She lay there bleeding on the inside with nothing to show for it on the outside, and so nobody could help her.
Not that they didn’t try.
Jack, her parents, and her other friends did the best they could.
But, how can you treat symptoms that are in your head?
Physical pain is concrete, and tangible. You can see it, you can cure it, and people acknowledge it. It’s the mental pain that is the hardest to deal with.
Everyone cowers from it, ignores it, and so when it holds the upper hand, you suddenly find yourself helplessly paralyzed by it.
“Do you remember when I came to you because you’re a psychiatrist, and I told you that I needed help?”
“Yeah, of course, I remember that. I’ll never forget how you stumbled in, looking half dead.”
“Lily found me that day, at home curled up on the floor, and she began to give me a little tough love. I wanted to shut her out then, but it was the wakeup call I needed. Lily asked me if I wanted to waste my life away, and I realized I didn’t. She stayed up with me that day, and then drove me to your office.”
Cara remembered it all too well.
The cold that seeped through her bones, and seemed to settle there permanently. The inability to sleep, and she recalled flashes too.
Lily had been one of her closest friends since High school, and unlike Jack, she related to what Cara was going through because she had gone through something similar.
Cara evoked how much she despised her in that moment for being mean, and for yelling at her. Nevertheless, it got Cara to stand up and fight back.
Something she hadn’t done in months.
The first real sign that she was still in there.
She realized afterwards that Lily did it on purpose.
Anger was a very powerful motivator.
Cara didn’t want to hold onto the anger though.
And that’s when she decided to reach out to Jack.
“That day I went to see you, he tried to come back into my life, and I wouldn’t let him. I discovered something that day though. I wasn’t going to sit around anymore, I was going to get my life back on track.”
She had finally let it all out.
The words hung between them, quietly drifting away into the night, and for the first time in a long time, Cara felt like herself again.
The heaviness that had weighed her down for so long was finally starting to dissipate, and she felt a million years lighter.
“When I woke up this morning, I had no idea that today was going to turn out the way it did. I feel better, Jack. So much better than I’ve felt in a long time. I feel alive, and I feel like I’m becoming myself again.”
“That’s what I hoped you would reach when you came to me.”
Jack studied her quietly before he slowly put the mug next to him. He reached across the couch and took her into his arms. He began to pat her hair and stroke her back. “I’m glad you came to see me that day. I don’t know what I would’ve done without you.”
“You would’ve been hopelessly confused when it comes to women.”
Jack vibrated with laughter against her. “Would’ve been? I still am.”
“Let me help you then.”
Cara was echoing an earlier sentiment that Jack told her in the office that day. Something that she desperately needed to her, and even more, she urgently needed to accept it.
Cara was not good at accepting help from anybody, not because she thought that she was better than that, but rather because she always felt like she should be able to save herself and the people she loved.
She felt like she needed to be invincible for everyone around her.
Yet, even superman needed saving every now and again.
Cara shifted and pulled back. “Jack asked me to take him back today. He said he’d changed, and that he wanted a second chance.”
Jack slipped into psychiatry mode, as she liked to call it. “Do you believe him?”
Cara paused. “I believe that he does actually want to change this time, but I don’t know if he can commit to it. Commitment is his biggest issue, and that’s not something I can ignore again.”
“Do you want him to try?”
Cara exhaled. “I think we’re different people now, or at least I am, and we’d have to start over if it were to work, but I need to feel like I can trust him this time. It’s not easy to gain back broken trust.”
“So, what is that you would want him to do?”
“I don’t know, exactly, but it has to be something honest, and something heartfelt.”