Chapter 15
It was still dark outside when Caitlyn stepped off the train in Belfast, Northern Ireland. She had tried, while crying on the park bench in Dublin, to switch her flight home to something sooner, but was unable too. Knowing that if she stayed in Dublin she wasn't going to be able to make herself stay away from Nolan, even though she knew she should. She just wasn't strong enough for that. So after hanging up with the airline, she booked a hotel, and bought a train ticket up to Belfast. Telling herself it was better this way. After all, how could she explain to her family back home she abruptly cut her trip short, the trip she had spent a lifetime wanting to take. No, that wasn't a conversation she planned on having. 'So kids, I fell in love with a handsome man I met in a pub. Everything was going great until we idiotically forgot to use a condom, and it burst my stupidly happy bubble, making me realize I could be ruining his life, so I ran away from him in the middle of the night.' Yeah, right.
The sun was just beginning to lighten the sky when she walked into the hotel. Thinking it was a real shame all the splendor of the place was wasted on her at the moment she walked into the lobby. She barely managed to hold it together until she was up in her room, with the door closed behind her. Her luggage still sitting stacked where the porter had set it, she crumpled to a heap on the floor. She curled into a ball and started sobbing. The wild pain filled, keening sounds ripped up from the very depths of her soul. Nothing had ever hurt Caitlyn this much, not even the dissolution of her marriage. Thinking about Nolan waking up alone, imagining his face when he realized she was gone, tore through her bringing another round of sobs wracking her body. She cried for hours, until she finally sobbed herself to sleep, still on the floor barely inside the room.
She dreamed of Nolan, running after her, and no matter how much she tried to turn around or stop, her feet just kept pounding the pavement sending her further and further away from him. He voice so full of pain echoed out as he yelled her name, begging and pleading with her to come back. Waking up with a start she sat up on the floor. Reaching a hand up she felt the tears already racing down her cheeks. Looking around she saw the late afternoon sun burning in the sky outside of her window. Crawling to her luggage she pulled her laptop out and sat back down, leaning with her back against the wall. Turning it on she let her sons know she was up in Belfast now, and the name of the hotel she was staying in. There was no need to worry them should they try and get a hold of her at The Westbury back in Dublin. Logging back out of her email account she turned off her computer and set it down next to her.
She stared numbly out the window her mind replaying every moment spent with Nolan over and over again on a heart crushing loop. She meant what she had said to him. No matter how much pain she was feeling right now, she would never regret him. Hugging her knees to her chest, she laid her face down on them and watched the light fade from the room through the watery veil of her tears. Sometime later when there seemed to be no tears left inside of her she trudged woodenly to the bed and laid down, still fully clothed. Curling herself into a tight ball she wondered what Nolan was doing. Knowing that each tear that fell from his beautiful ocean eyes was her fault. She hoped selfishly that he didn't feel as much for her as she did for him, if it saved him from the pain she was feeling. It was hours before she drifted to sleep feeling cold without Nolan's warmth pressed against her body.
She dreamed of him again. He was standing out on the cliffs, his voice raw, screaming her name out to the open sea. Bringing his hands up he clenched desperately at his hair and fell to his knees in the grass, tears flowing unheeded down his face. Caitlyn tried to take him in her arms to offer some comfort to him, but her hands passed right through his body. She sat there next to him crying as she watched him suffer unable to do a damn thing to make it better.
Caitlyn woke up with the covers tangled all around her, from restlessly tossing and turning no doubt. The dream had a fresh surge of guilt bubbling up to the surface. She laid in the bed, her face pressed into the pillow screaming, her tears soaking into it. When the tears ran dry once more she wandered into the bathroom. Seeing her reflection in the mirror she knew it was a good thing she hadn't been able to get home sooner. Even she could see the pain etched onto her face, the hollows under her red-rimmed eyes, her red hair hanging in limp tangles all over the place. She surely would have terrified her sons if they saw her like this. How had she managed to keep it together throughout her entire divorce, but losing a man she had in her life for only a week was bringing her to the lowest of lows?
Suddenly feeling pissed off at herself for wallowing when it was her fault in the first place she turned the shower on. Walking back out she rummaged angrily through her suitcase until she found her bathroom stuff. Carrying it into the bathroom she took a much needed shower ignoring the tears that fell mingling with the water down the drain. "How much can one person cry anyway? I don't have the right to these tears, dammit!" She yelled at herself. Thinking that since she had broken Nolan's heart, her own pain was the rightful punishment.
Stepping out of the shower she stood there, her hair dripping water everywhere staring into the mirror. There were still patches of red where Nolan's beard had rubbed against her sensitive skin as he made love to her. She still had a little hickey marking the side of one breast. Ripping the towel off her she threw it with an angry shriek at the mirror not wanting to look at herself anymore. Walking out of the bathroom she put on the first clothes she pulled out of her bag, not caring one bit what she looked like.
Sitting back in the bed she pulled her laptop onto her lap. Checking her email she saw there was one from her boys, and one from her ex husband. She read the boys letter, and replied back, as cheerfully as she was able to. Taking a deep breath she opened the one from Bryan. She expected him to be upset with her for changing her plans yet again. Instead she was surprised by what he had to say. He told her to have fun, and take some pictures of the Giant's Causeway for him since she was up in Northern Ireland. Not really planning on going out to see the area she realized that if she didn't everyone back home would wonder why she hadn't. Every other day of her vacation she had basically inundated them with pictures, they would definitely notice now if she didn't.
Pissed off at herself again she logged out and powered down her computer. Pulling on her sneakers she picked up her purse and begrudgingly left the room. Down in the lobby she asked if they could book her on a guided day trip tour to the causeway for the next day. Once that was settled she headed out of the hotel.
Caitlyn wandered around the city for hours, taking pictures of everything, but not really seeing anything. A few times she thought she saw Nolan, but when she got closer they were always just strangers. Realizing she was probably freaking random men out rushing up to them like a pathetically deranged woman she made herself stop. After all, what the hell would she even say to Nolan? 'I'm sorry. I still live on the other side of the world. I still have to leave you no matter how much I love you.' Feeling like she had never been more alone in her whole life she walked back towards her hotel in the fading light. It was dark by the time she made it into her room, and she collapsed onto the bed, crying herself to sleep again.
The next morning feeling as bad as she looked she met the tour guide, and the rest of her group in the Belfast city center. She sat in the back of the crowded bus and stared out the window at county Antrim rolling past, struggling not to cry. Everyone could clearly tell she wasn't going to be worth talking to, and left her thankfully alone chatting among themselves. Getting out at the first stop she took pictures of the Causeway Coast, including one of the Scottish coast off in the distance since it was a clear day. When they stopped in the Dark Hedges everyone but Caitlyn posed for pictures among the impressive trees. Deciding that crossing the Carrick-a-Rede rope bridge wasn't for her she sat quietly inside having tea with half of their group while the rest braved the walk. After that they finally made it to the Giants Causeway, and as beautiful as it was, all of the amazing hexagonal rocks, and the stunning view, she just couldn't clear the haze of pain away enough to enjoy it. She found herself remembering standing in Nolan's arms at the Cliffs of Moher, as tears poured from her eyes. Unable to stop them she wished Nolan was here with her.
An older woman from their group walked over and without bothering to ask pulled Caitlyn into her arms, rubbing her back soothingly as she cried. Caitlyn laid her head on the woman's shoulder, her body shaking uncontrollably with her sobs. She let it all go, everything she had been struggling to hold in since leaving the hotel room that morning. "It will never be the same, but you will get over him honey." The lady said to her. Caitlyn pulled away to look questioningly into the kind brown eyes. "I know that look. Hollowed out face, lost eyes. Your heart is broken, and you can barely breathe through the pain. I'm not going to lie to you though dear, it won't all be alright. But it will get better than it is right now." She took a tissue out of her large purse and handed it over to Caitlyn to wipe her tears.
"Thank you. I guess I probably shouldn't have come today, it just all got to be too much." She admitted.
"Nonsense, you're trying to put the pieces back together, no shame in tears. The direction is what matters, moving forward, not the pace. I'm Gloria, you can sit with me on the bus, and if you cry the whole way back to Belfast I won't mind in the least. I've got a daughter your age, and I just couldn't let you cry alone like that."
"Caitlyn." She said gesturing to herself "Thank you Gloria, I appreciate it, so much. Its been killing me trying to be strong." She admitted.
"It may feel that way right now, but someday it won't." Gloria said leading them back towards the bus.
"I left him. I shouldn't be such a mess." Caitlyn confessed guiltily.
"Oh, pish-posh! I'm sure you had your reasons, and they're probably good ones. But that doesn't mean you didn't love him. You gave him a part of yourself, walking away doesn't change that." Gloria said wisely patting Caitlyn's hand.
The ride back to Belfast was easier sitting next to Gloria. She didn't expect Caitlyn to talk much, and filled the silence easily. She told her all about her daughter back home in Oklahoma, and all of the grand children she had there. Pulling a small photo album out of the large purse she showed her dozens of pictures. When their tour van arrived back in Belfast Caitlyn hugged Gloria and thanked her, knowing she wouldn't ever forget the kindness. Heading back to her hotel room Caitlyn decided that she wasn't going to pretend to be a tourist for the remaining two days in Belfast.