Chapter 17
June marched relentlessly on into July. Caitlyn spent her days lost in the words pouring out onto the page, and her nights suffocating beneath the heart ache and grief she let out when she was finally alone. If her sons noticed anything was wrong they didn't ask her about it. She had finally put some of the pictures from her vacation in frames around the house. Some people decorated with art, big paintings on the walls. Caitlyn painted her home with snapshots and memories. Nolan wasn't in any of the pictures, but she saw him everywhere she looked. The picture she had up on the refrigerator of her smiling in the park next to the sculpture of Oscar Wilde, he was the one who took it. The stunning view of the Cliffs of Moher framed on her mantle in the family room, he had stood beside her as she snapped the picture.
She hosted a big cook out for the fourth of July every year, inviting all of their family and friends. Caitlyn made a real effort, wearing a pretty flowing floral tank top, and cuffed jean shorts, her hair flying wild and free. Her Dad happily manned the grill while the boys had a bunch of friends jumping in and out the pool all day. She sat with a glass of wine telling the women gathered around the table all about her vacation. Conversation turned, as it usually did to everyone's love lives. With one cousin fast approaching her wedding day, another still single, and Caitlyn herself divorced, so single. They all talked about what they wanted to wear to the February wedding, before her Aunt Maura leaned in saying, "maybe you'll meet a nice man there. You need to get back out there deary life didn't end when your marriage did."
"I know that Aunt Maura, I'm over Bryan, honestly. I'm happy with where my life is at the moment." Caitlyn said with a dismissive wave of her hand.
"You don't look happy Cait. Oh, sure you're enjoying your writing, and raising those delightful scamps of yours. But I can see the purple smudges underneath your eyes, even hiding behind those sunglasses. You've lost some weight too, and by the way you're pushing food around your plate without eating I don't think that was on purpose." Maura tucked the hair behind Caitlyn's shoulder. "I worry about you honey, especially since my sister hasn't been much of a mother to you."
"I know you do Aunt Maura. I've been deep into a project since getting back from Ireland, that's all." Needing a moment Caitlyn took a sip of the cool white wine in her glass. "I don't want to date right now." She said thinking nobody would be able to hold a candle next to Nolan anyway. Excusing herself from the table she walked inside the house. She walked up the steps and past everyone inside enjoying the cool air of the living room and kitchen. She headed into her room and closed the door quietly behind her. Leaning her back against the wood she dragged air into her lungs. She knew her aunt meant well, and loved her dearly. But even thinking of another man's hands on her skin was enough to make her hands shake, and had the bottom of her stomach dropping out. Caitlyn needed a few minutes to settle herself, and added a touch of concealer under her eyes to cover the circles there.
She sat on the side of the pool after that, away from the gossip. Dangling her feet in the water she watched her sons horse around and found herself laughing at their crazy antics. Pulling her phone out she took pictures of everyone. After the sun went down they all loaded into the vehicles and headed into town for the fireworks. Sitting curled up on a blanket in the field as the fireworks exploded in the air, their boom echoing deep in her chest she wished Nolan was here beside her. She took a video of the finale, posting it on her Instagram. She had quite a few followers, her readers keeping up with her. Caitlyn tried to make sure she posted regularly, but always careful not to post any of her sons. It had been hard lately though, just another chore on her list. She had only posted once since getting back from Ireland, a collage of her trip.
They made it back home late, and she sent the boys off to bed. Caitlyn spent hours cleaning up the mess from the party exhausting herself before climbing into her bed. It didn't matter though, she always dreamed of Nolan. Tonight was no different. He sat in a crowded coffee shop staring out the window at people walking past. A pretty blonde woman walked over and tried to chat him up, but he must not have heard her because he never looked over. The woman walked away disappointment written clearly all over her face. Nolan took his phone out and stared at the screen. Caitlyn looked down and saw a picture of her face looking back at her. Waking up to the sun shining in her windows she curled into a ball until the ache in her chest loosened.
The rest of July passed by with each day blending into the previous one. She brought Wyatt to drivers education up at the school every day, picking him back up a few hours later. He started dating Alex, one of the girls in their neighborhood, and they spent the afternoons together hanging out at one house or the other. Mason thought they were annoying with all of their flirting, so he usually went into his room and played video games when she was over. Caitlyn spent hours writing. Lost in the love story she was creating, instead of her own sadness.
Bryan took the boys camping up north for a week at the beginning of August. Left by herself, Caitlyn let the mask fall. She didn't have to pretend everyday that nothing was wrong. She curled up on the couch in an old t-shirt and her comfiest shorts, her hair wound up in a bun, no makeup on, and wrote all day. She fully realized she was just going through the motions, not actually living, but couldn't seem to crawl back to life.
When the boys came home from camping, the back to school frenzy started. Spending hours trudging around at the mall while the boys picked out and endless supply of clothes and shoes. Then they had to stock up on all the pencils, pens, binders, notebooks and all the other supplies that the teachers claimed they needed. Wyatt was in high school, but Mason still had one more year of middle school left. So there were two different school orientation nights to attend, and a handful of teachers to meet.
The school year started with the usual early morning grumpiness. In the final stretch Caitlyn wrote like a demon during the day to finish the book. Wyatt, and Mason were both doing soccer again this fall. Wyatt played through the school, but Mason was still on the youth league for another year yet. Thankfully she took turns with Bryan getting the boys to their practices all week long. Halfway through September she finally sent the finished book off to her editor. After bringing the boys to school one morning she turned the television on. She always fell into a hole when she wrote, but this time it was worse than usual, for obvious reasons.
Flipping it to a popular national morning news program she sat down with her coffee.
The anchors were talking to an older actress Caitlyn liked. She apparently had a new movie coming out soon, and was doing promotions for that. After the interview was done she got up walking into the kitchen to make herself a second cup of coffee. The commercials ended and the sound of screaming echoed out of the television. The anchor was struggling to be heard over all of the excitement.
"Finally, the man of the hour, here to play us his brand new single And You Don't Know live on television for the first time ever, the one and only Nolan Hayes!" Hearing the name Caitlyn dropped her mug, the ceramic shattering everywhere on the kitchen floor as she stumbled back into the living room. Standing there frozen she watched as his handsome face filled the screen. His hair was styled up off his face in purposeful disarray, and he had shaved his beard off. But there was no mistaking, she spent too much time staring into that face, this was her Nolan. He was holding a guitar in front of him, fingers dancing over the strings as the music started. The screaming hushed, the crowd in front of him filled with breathless anticipation. The camera zoomed in tight on his face when he sang the first line. She could see the pain swimming in his eyes, clear as day. He sang slowly into the microphone, his low voice pouring everything he was feeling into the words.
My love such a beauty hurts to see
My love left and took the best of me
I love you still baby
And you don't know
You got the best of me
Still holding the heart you gave me to keep
Your love was the best I ever had baby
And you don't know
That you're leaving me half a man
Caitlyn sat down hard on the couch with a thump watching him sing the rest of the song. He politely thanked the crowd when he was done, and another of the anchors announced, "Nolan's highly anticipated new album Definitely Memorable will be out next month, he's spent a long time writing it, but you won't have to wait to much longer to get your hands on it!" They cut to some news story that Caitlyn didn't even bother to pay attention to.
Sitting there on the couch she picked her phone up and called her dad, asking him to come over. She was still sitting there when he walked in the door twenty minutes later. The broken coffee mug still on the kitchen floor, television still playing. He had to call her name twice before Caitlyn realized he was even there.
"Darling, whats wrong?" He asked, the concern clearly written all over his face.
"Dad, remember when you said I could tell you what happened to me in Ireland when I was ready? I think I need to tell you now." Caitlyn told him everything in a rush, barely breathing between words. Every day spent with Nolan, all the magical little moments. She even told him how much chemistry they had without giving him too many details about the sex that he wouldn't appreciate. She told him about stupidly forgetting to use a condom when they'd had too many pints. How she left him still asleep, hightailing it all the way to up Belfast when she couldn't fly home sooner. He listened to the whole thing without interrupting once.
"That's why you have been wandering around like a zombie for the last few months?" Caitlyn nodded at him, tears shimmering in her eyes.
"What happened this morning?" He asked gesturing at the spilled coffee on the floor.
"I finished the book I was working on late last night, sent it off to editing. After bringing the boys to school this morning I turned on the morning news. Easy enough, drink my coffee and catch up on whats been happening in the world while I was locked away in a book." With a frustrated little laugh she added. "Except he was on the TV Dad!"
"Nolan?" He asked.
"Apparently so. He told me his name, and I guess thinking about it now, maybe it was a test, but I had no idea who the hell he was."
"Honey, even I know who Nolan Hayes is. You must've been living under a rock." He said pulling out his phone showing her that he had some of Nolan's songs. "Although I probably wouldn't recognize him on sight, I like his sound, but his good looks are lost on me." He laughed.
"I'm such a fool. Who falls in love with a rock star?" She shook her head. "I thought he was some normal guy from Dublin, Dad." She stood up stalking into the kitchen, grabbing a broom and cleaned the mess up ranting the whole time. Her Dad followed her, settling himself on a stool while she got it all out. Finally she looked over at him. "What am I supposed to do?'
"Well, do you love him?" He asked her already knowing the answer.
"So much, I can't breathe sometimes it hurts so bad to be away from him." She said rubbing a hand over the ever present ache in her chest.
"Then I suggest you tell him. This time let him decide if its too crazy to jump into this. From what you said about the song he was singing I'm thinking he's been missing you too darling."