Chapter 8 - Izzy

“Jess! Let’s go, grab your backpack it’s time for school!”

“Coming!”

She appears out of the bedroom and comes running up the hallway of our small apartment. I hold out her lunchbox as she makes her way towards me. It feels light in my hand, and I know it’s not enough food for an active, growing kid.

“Here,” I say as she grabs it. She opens up a corner and looks inside.

“PB&J today?”

“I’m sorry kiddo, it’ll be PB&J for a few days until I get paid.”

Jess smiles. “I love PB&J!” She frowns and looks at me. “But Iz, where’s yours?”

“I’ll eat at work, they have lots of food there.”

Izzy frowns. She holds her lunchbox back over to me. “No, you should have this. You need to eat if you’re working on your feet all day!”

My heart feels like it’s breaking in half. How could such a young kid be so generous and kind?! Even after coming from parents like ours she still surprises me, I have no idea where this selflessness came from. I push the lunchbox back towards her.

“Don’t worry about me, Jess, I’ve got lots of food at work.” Kind of.

She frowns and stares up at me, and then nods.

“Ok.”

The two of us head out the door and I walk with her towards her school. It’s only a couple blocks away, but I still like walking with her. It’s the only time we really have together these days, ever since I took the Langley job. The hours are longer but the pay is better, so I suck it up and make sure we have this walk together every day. If I do well at this placement I can ask for a raise and at least I’ll be able to provide for her a little bit better.

“Iz, look!” Jess’s arm is extended and she’s pointing to a poster on the side of a telephone pole. She’s jumping up in excitement as she points at the colourful poster. Cirque du Soleil is in town. “Can we go?!”

“I’m not sure we can afford it right now, Jess.”

The disappointment on Jess’s face makes my heart break for the second time this morning. I take a breath.

“I’ll check out tickets and see how much they are, ok?”

“Ok, but it’s ok if we can’t, I understand.” You shouldn’t have to understand! I want to tell her, but the words catch in my throat. I wish I could give her the world. She’s practically obsessed with gymnastics and a world-class circus performance would put such a smile on her face. I wouldn’t mind a bit of a distraction as well, if I’m honest.

I don’t have to look up tickets to know they will be well out of our budget. Our “budget” doesn’t include things not required for basic survival right now.

We get to the school gates and Jess turns to me, wrapping her arms around my waist in a big bear hug.

“You’re the best sister in the world, Iz! See you tonight!”

“Yep, see you tonight kiddo. Be good!” I call out after her as she runs towards the steps. I don’t feel like the best sister in the world. I feel like a massive failure.

She’s already waving at a group of friends and laughing. I watch her for a few moments as she laughs and jumps with her friends. I wish I had her carefree attitude and easiness with other people. She’s always been that way, ever since she was little. People just like her right away.

I can’t believe this, but I’m actually jealous of my eleven year old little sister. I’m her complete opposite, always shy and introverted, always had trouble making friends. I sigh as I turn the corner towards our little apartment. If I’m honest with myself, I haven’t had any true friendships, not since Hannah Langley. When she died I lost a part of myself and I closed myself off. She was my best friend, just like a sister to me. She almost became a real sister to me, if her parents had gotten me out of there like they’d planned. I still think about her, about the way she would laugh and drag me along on all her crazy adventures. When she died it’s like the brightness in my life got turned down, like all the colours suddenly became more faded.

It’s ten years on now, and in some twist of fate I’m taking care of her grandfather in his final days. Maybe it’s some kind of weird karma, or some way for me to make amends for the past. I don’t know. All I know is I’m glad Dave Langley wont be there today, and I can just keep myself busy doing what I do best and take care of Arthur.

Maybe he’ll have another story about his youth to tell me today. I’ll ask him about his wife again, anything to keep my mind off Hannah and Dave Langley, off my money issues and off my thousand and one worries about taking care of Jess.

I’ll just get back in my regular routine, keep my head down and make it through these next few months until I can ask for a raise and breathe a bit easier.